I wish I could post more about recovery right now. I wish I was doing better. I called a therapist, they didn't have an appt available until next month but at least it's scheduled, right? I dunno. I'm falling apart right now, I feel like the water around me is above my head and I'm not doing a very good job of swimming. 
My entire life routine has been up-ended for two months now. I've been traveling 2 hours away from home on Monday, staying in a hotel and working on-site for a client through Friday, and driving home (2 hours again) on Friday. I've been working long days Mon-Thurs so I can start the drive at noon on Friday, and see my SO a little earlier (I have to stop in at my regular workplace on the way home for about half an hour as well). This disruption, isolation (I'm eating most of my dinners out, and all of my dinners alone), and separation from SO and my two kitties is wrecking my (never perfectly stable) mental health. I've also been suffering from IBS (still getting diagnosed, actually, but the GI is pretty sure that's what it is) and am still trying to find the right treatment for that, and scheduling appts around being 2 hours away from home all week is rough. Especially when I already hate calling doctors (don't really feel like whatever I am dealing with is a *real* issue), and have phone anxiety in general.
So, despite trying things like reading recommended books on CPTSD, and meditating (though it's hard to make myself do that every night), I'm still feeling like a yawning chasm of despair a fair bit of the time. My inner critic is winning some of the arguments I have with it because I just don't have the energy anymore, and whenever I go to the top of the stairs at work (I'm on the 2nd floor) I stare down and thoughts about jumping just pop into my mind. More and more thoughts like that have been popping into my mind. Things like just grabbing the scissors and slashing my wrists (I've had problems with self harm in the past, which I've mostly managed to not go back to despite feeling like this). I've always had intrusive thoughts (as long as I can remember) but they get worse when I'm feeling passively suicidal - I feel like I actually want to do them, as opposed to just seeing something horrible that could happen.
I suppose hope is on the horizon, because my company is in the process of approving an extended stay hotel I found and negotiated a discounted rate with, so that my SO and kitties can come down and stay with me, and I'll be down here over weekends, too. But still, I'm going to an office that doesn't have windows, a cubicle that isn't mine, isn't the one I carefully decorated to help my mental health over the course of 3 years. It's not even a full wall cubicle! I feel so exposed, on all sides, all the time. I just want to hide. But I can't complain about the work, because my company is laying people off and this was my dept's way of keeping me utilized - sending me to this client site. However, when they asked me about going, that's not what it was, it was for a month, which I agreed to. It's now an unknown length of time, possibly 6 months, and I don't want to be down here in this city I don't know, where my friends aren't (yeah, I know, all *three* of my friends, but still). I want to look for another job. But I feel guilty about that, because my boss is trying to be really accommodating in giving me the extended stay, and such, and the company is a good place to work, normally. And a new company would just be another routine disruption, as well as the godawful trigger-y mess that is the job search process (* you mum, * you so much).
My entire life routine has been up-ended for two months now. I've been traveling 2 hours away from home on Monday, staying in a hotel and working on-site for a client through Friday, and driving home (2 hours again) on Friday. I've been working long days Mon-Thurs so I can start the drive at noon on Friday, and see my SO a little earlier (I have to stop in at my regular workplace on the way home for about half an hour as well). This disruption, isolation (I'm eating most of my dinners out, and all of my dinners alone), and separation from SO and my two kitties is wrecking my (never perfectly stable) mental health. I've also been suffering from IBS (still getting diagnosed, actually, but the GI is pretty sure that's what it is) and am still trying to find the right treatment for that, and scheduling appts around being 2 hours away from home all week is rough. Especially when I already hate calling doctors (don't really feel like whatever I am dealing with is a *real* issue), and have phone anxiety in general.
So, despite trying things like reading recommended books on CPTSD, and meditating (though it's hard to make myself do that every night), I'm still feeling like a yawning chasm of despair a fair bit of the time. My inner critic is winning some of the arguments I have with it because I just don't have the energy anymore, and whenever I go to the top of the stairs at work (I'm on the 2nd floor) I stare down and thoughts about jumping just pop into my mind. More and more thoughts like that have been popping into my mind. Things like just grabbing the scissors and slashing my wrists (I've had problems with self harm in the past, which I've mostly managed to not go back to despite feeling like this). I've always had intrusive thoughts (as long as I can remember) but they get worse when I'm feeling passively suicidal - I feel like I actually want to do them, as opposed to just seeing something horrible that could happen.
I suppose hope is on the horizon, because my company is in the process of approving an extended stay hotel I found and negotiated a discounted rate with, so that my SO and kitties can come down and stay with me, and I'll be down here over weekends, too. But still, I'm going to an office that doesn't have windows, a cubicle that isn't mine, isn't the one I carefully decorated to help my mental health over the course of 3 years. It's not even a full wall cubicle! I feel so exposed, on all sides, all the time. I just want to hide. But I can't complain about the work, because my company is laying people off and this was my dept's way of keeping me utilized - sending me to this client site. However, when they asked me about going, that's not what it was, it was for a month, which I agreed to. It's now an unknown length of time, possibly 6 months, and I don't want to be down here in this city I don't know, where my friends aren't (yeah, I know, all *three* of my friends, but still). I want to look for another job. But I feel guilty about that, because my boss is trying to be really accommodating in giving me the extended stay, and such, and the company is a good place to work, normally. And a new company would just be another routine disruption, as well as the godawful trigger-y mess that is the job search process (* you mum, * you so much).
