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I agree with Papa C that normal does not exist. I think it is a useful construct when used as a starting point for various things. Like, what range of blood readings is "normal". Also, what is "normal" for an individual? For instance, I started taking my temperature every day during Covid (no idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time) and have continued. This is actually kind of useful because I have discovered my "normal" body temperature tends on the low side. So a reading towards the high end of "normal" as per Dr Google is actually on the high side for me and means I need to watch that I am not getting sick.

I don't think it is at all a useful construct when working out whether our behaviour or reactions are "normal". Even if someone is behaving in a patently unacceptable way, such as going round attacking people, how does it benefit anyone to say "ooh, that person is clearly not normal", when what they actually should be doing is stopping the person from doing the attacking and finding out a way to help/prevent them doing it again?

I have often said to my T "is this normal?" or "would a normal person think/do this?" and she always pulls me up on it, asking me what is normal and why I think there is some sort of objective "normal"parameter to judge myself against.

It is a tough time when we start realising there is a little child who was so badly treated and we start feeling for that child. I personally also think it is a mark of progress when we acknowledge that.

Wishing you well, Slashy.

Welcome. I am sorry you have need of such a place as this - but since you do I am very glad you found us. I have always found everyone here to be supportive, kind and helpful. I'm sure you will too.

This is all so familiar.

My mother is the relationship police. She tells me when she thinks I should contact my sister or visit her. I usually say "um" and "ah" and then do nothing.

Occasionally my sister pushes for a visit or trip away together. I dislike these occasions. Partly because I find her difficult and partly because I am utterly sure she is only doing it because mother has prodded her.

Recently my mother contacted me to say she'd had a long conversation with my sister who was very unhappy with her life and they'd had a real heart to heart. Sister is enmeshed, so this was not a total surprise. Then mother said she thought I should visit my sister to give her some support. My mother did not feel she could visit because there had been an argument between them some months ago. I wish I had thought quickly enough to suggest that if my sister was pouring her heart out to her mother maybe it was because she wanted attention from her mother, not delegated attention from me. Alas, I just made non-committal noises. I did vow to make that point if mother ever raised the subject again, but she did not.

The "fatherly duty" is familiar too, though of course in my case it is motherly duty. That old saw is always being trotted out.

As for your last paragraph - I think there is a difference between standing up for yourself against your father and not being able to handle other relationships so you end up ghosting people. I have ghosted many people in my life for very similar reasons to you. But I don't think the experience of standing up to your father (if you do) will translate to communicating your wants and needs to other people. That is something that needs separate practice. Because if you stand up to your father and he just ignores you, or worse, it may just cement your belief that people will always behave badly to you. It would be a mistake to think others would do that if you communicate your needs to them, because most people do not. Even if there is an initial disagreement, once somebody has gone away to think about what was said, it is quite often the case that they come back and you negotiate and compromise and find a way forward. It feels very scary and unfamiliar when this happens. But people will not all treat you as your father does and you can only experience this by interacting with other people.

Welcome. I'm really glad to hear you have a good therapist and have some good protective mechanisms in place.

Thank you for the video about the blink technique. I discover that I have been using it for some time, though not knowing it is a recognised technique. Not counting the blinks, as such, but in the face of any truly bizarre statements or behaviour from my mother (my FOO are all narcs but she is the arch-narc) I just sit there like a cabbage and stare at her. This has actually reduced her in-person outbursts, but not the ones over the phone because silence is less effective when the person does not have to actually watch you sitting there with a blank stare.

Welcome. It's great to have you here.

 

Good for you, CactusFlower. You are, indeed, a writer.

Our art teacher is always drumming this into the class, too. We are artists. We may not be professional artists, since we do not sell our work, but we are artists all the same.

Welcome, Pisa.

As Blueberry has said, progress is not linear. When I started pushing back I found it viciously hard. My T had to do a lot of hand-holding as I struggled through simple things like refusing an invitation to a family party that FOO wanted me to attend. (It was not their party and the host was not at all bothered about my absence.) That refusal gave me grief for around three months - partly due to FOO annoyance but mostly due to my fear of FOO annoyance/retribution and fear that I would not be strong enough to hold my position. I was strong enough, but it did take a huge emotional toll. Gradually it becomes easier to hold firm to boundaries. Remember that you have a lifetime of coping mechanisms that once served you well. And which are familiar, and tempting to revert to. I cannot tell you how many times I would waver about my new boundaries, feeling it would just be easier to roll over like I have always done.

It does get better and easier, I promise you. And I think it is worth the effort. But it is a really tough journey. I wish you strength as you tread this path. And please be kind to yourself.

What a wonderful post. So honest, sharing, informative and hopeful.

Thank you very much.

I wish you all the very best, with life, the book and everything.

 

Thanks for joining us and sharing with us and supporting us. I hope you'll drop in again some time - and hope that it is not because you are struggling but just to give us a really positive and good update on your life. Take care.

I once commented to my T that I thought it was a shame it took me so long to see that there was a problem with my FOO and their treatment of me. Not just a shame; I was kind of berating myself a little for being so blind and stupid for so long.

She stopped me berating myself. And I am glad you are not berating yourself, Hope, but recognising that you have never, until now, been in a position to start processing things. That's similar to what my T said to me, and she also said that she believes we do not start processing things until we are ready. Sometimes we have to live under false impressions and blunder along as we always have because our psyche is simply not ready to contemplate anything else. We've created our protective mechanisms for a reason.

I started doing therapy via writing because it felt easier. It gave me time to marshal my thoughts into something coherent rather than trying to respond on the fly. It felt more comfortable to do that. And it helped me to start processing some of the main issues so I do not at all regret starting in writing. I don't think I would ever have moved on to verbal without doing stuff in writing first.

When I started face to face therapy (via Zoom with the same T I had been doing some written therapy with) I was surprised by how much easier, and at the same how much harder, it was than I expected. Easier because my T is very gentle and understanding and will not push me anywhere I am reluctant to go. She will pick up on things I am finding hard, and will revisit them from another direction, but never in a way that is too tough. Harder, because I thought that I had already done the "betrayal" of my FOO in writing. And yet saying it out loud was different. It felt like a "betrayal" all over again, but it also brought it home to me much more. It made their abuse real in a way that me just writing about it did not. Voicing something is surprisingly powerful - even if you have no listener. So maybe, if you think it would be helpful to say things out loud, you could consider just saying them in the privacy of your own home. You could see how you feel after voicing something and then maybe have a better idea of whether voicing it again to somebody would be something that might help you. I have sometimes just read my writing or posts out loud.

Discard if not helpful, but wanted to share the thought with you.

You really are working though a lot, Dollyvee.

I don't know whether this comment will be of any help, but what really stood out to me in reading your latest posts was the bit towards the end about your gm rising to the occasion to deal with a crisis involving you.

What it made me think of is something I have often discussed with my T about my relationship with my M. Which is that she treats me essentially as a toy. My sister, too. To the extent of liking to dress us up. I was not allowed to choose my own clothes until I was 15. Even now her gifts to us are often clothing or jewellery items. All to her taste and with no consideration given to what we actually wear and like. All good quality and expensive. She has given me two pairs of earrings over the years that I actually like and wear but the clothing is dire.

And I often feel that I am sometimes the favoured toy, put at the top of the toy box, or even brought out to show off to friends. And sometimes I am shoved to the bottom of the toy box because I am boring or have not complied with her demands.

However, the point I want to make here is that she regards me as HER toy. So if anything threatens me (like my current health problems) or her possession of me, she will swoop in at once to protect me. Not out of any love for me personally, but because something is threatening HER possession. That bit about your gm thriving on your crisis reminded me of this state of affairs in my own life.

I also find it terribly sad that the psychologist should have suggested she arrange her life around you because she seemed to respond well to your crises. On the surface it sounds quite reasonable, but I think it demonstrates a woeful lack of regard for you, the child. Being the sole focus of somebody who is struggling is not, in my view, at all healthy for a child. But then the welfare of children has been occupying my mind a bit recently because our UK newspapers are currently full of the absolutely appalling treatment women are getting by our maternity services. There are endless horror stories about malpractice, terrible injuries during birth etc. And, quite rightly, people are calling out the health service and finally pointing out the damage being done to mothers. What nobody is doing, however (except me in an online comment to one of the newspaper articles) is pointing out the long term damage to the babies. They may have been born healthy enough but when their mothers are so consumed by PTSD from the birth trauma that they can hardly bear to be in the same room as the child for the first few months of its life, you can be fairly sure that there will be instances of CPTSD along the line.

That sucks.

You know, I sometimes think that nothing actually sinks in with these people. If they are told something that does not agree with their narrative they are quite capable of simply pretending it isn't so. Even if they have kicked up a fuss initially, somehow the whole thing just fades back into their own little world view. They just stick their fingers in their ears and sing "la la la". 

Oh, my. That happened to someone in my gym and they healed fine. I do not know them well enough to have been privy to details about recovery and suchlike.

Wishing you all the very best for a successful surgery and a fast recovery. And don't let those medics boss you around. I know one should take the doctor's advice and that is right, of course. But given my recent hospital experience I would say you are your best advocate. If you are not sure of something, or something does not feel right - speak up. Ask all the questions you have.

    

Those houses are all so wonderfully creative. Yours is super, and so are all the others. Thank you for sharing the pics.