Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, I understand about being scared and approaching / dealing with a T and feeling like going through the motions, just wanted to send you a gentle  of support.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sweetie,

a thought came to mind as i read what you wrote.  you were in a much different place when writing in your diaries before, and it shows, to my mind, how much progress you've made.  if they sounded like a child was writing them, that may have very well been exactly what had been happening.  the idea that you are getting more adult about yourself, acknowledging and integrating your parts, feeling your power and strength now is showing, especially as you begin to think of going back to books you've begun in the past but never finished.  you probably weren't able to do any more about them at that time.

as far as a t goes, it does sound like you're struggling.  not being forthcoming in therapy is going to be its own kind of experience.  that was a different you than you are today.l  i do believe that you'll know if/when it's time to try therapy once again.  there's a reason for all your hesitation, even if you don't quit know what it is.  take your time.  you're doing great so far!  sending love and a hug full of insight to you.   

[Tee]

  I second San's thoughts.  Sending love.

[Three Roses]

Hope - I've been reading but not responding - conserving energy - but now want to take the time to say 'hello' and send a supportive, validating hug to you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, SaB, SanMagic. Tee and Three Roses,
Thank you all for your replies and I appreciate the hugs and your kind thoughts 
SanMagic - what you said makes sense to me, and I appreciate it - I think that whatever I read now, I am reading mainly with fresh eyes, as I have integrated more of myself and therefore approach things from a new perspective.  So I am hopeful that maybe when I re-read something, and approach the books I had attempted to read previously, that this time I will get something more from them, and I will keep growing and progressing.

I think that I have been experiencing some grief this past few days, as I realise and think about some things that have happened in my life.  But I am also able to think about some positive things that have also happened in that time - which balances it at least! 

19th September 2019
I am just taking each day as it comes, and I've just tried to write about what I'm accomplishing, but I've ended up feeling like I can't put those things into words right now, so I'll hope to come back another time, and write more.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Just putting a link here to a Trauma Conference that I've signed up for, and the list of talks - it starts on 21st September 2019, and here is the link and also the list:

https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/

Day 1: Richard Schwartz Ph.D. - IFS and Working with Trauma
Day 2: Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD - Mindfulness in Trauma Treatment: Fitting the Practice to the Person
Day 3: Lisa Ferentz, LCSW-C DAPA - Helping Clients Heal From Sexual Trauma
Day 4: David Grand, Ph.D. -  Brainspotting - Reaching the Hidden Realm of the Brain: Bypassing the Neocortex to Access the Subcortex
Day 5: Bonnie Goldstein, Ph.D. - Helping Our Adolescent Clients Help Themselves Through the Lens of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Engaging the Body to Overcome Trauma and Face Transitions
Day 6: Peter Levine, Ph.D. - Somatic Experiencing and Autonomic Dysregulation Syndrome
Day 7: Deb Dana, LCSW - Navigating the Nervous System: A Polyvagal Theory Guided Approach to Therapy
Day 8: Stephen Porges, Ph.D. - Demystifying the Body's Response to Trauma: A Polyvagal Perspective

It looks really good.  I've signed up and hope to manage to watch each of the talks.
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

  Here's hoping you will gain some insights via the conference.

[Hope67]

Dear Woodsgnome,
It's lovely to hear from you, and thank you for that hug and for hoping that I'll gain some insights via the conference - I am very much hoping that I will - and I'm excited to listen to the talks, they start tomorrow.  I am thankful there is just one each day, as I got over-whelmed by a previous conference that had three talks per day.  I couldn't keep up and I over-whelmed myself so much.  But I feel as if I can hopefully handle one per day, and I am especially excited to hear Richard Schwartz speak tomorrow, as I have read about his work on IFS and Working with Trauma - I think IFS stands for Internal Family Systems, I think so.

to you Woodsgnome

*************
20th September 2019
I am in a strange kind of mood today and I don't know how to describe it.  I feel as if I'm in a dream-world really, and like nothing is actually real

Oh no, I have to go, I wanted to write more now, but something has come up, and I need to stop.
Will be back later.
Hope 

[Hope67]

20th September 2019
Back again.  I feel as if nothing is real today - like I'm in a dream-like state, and I wonder what is going on with myself.  I had to attend a meeting this morning, and it was very stressful, and I got myself worked up about it beforehand, and didn't know what to expect.  The reality of the situation was that it went ok, that the person I saw was very nice, and she was calm and pleasant and very nice to me.  I realised that the things I'd worried about beforehand, hadn't actually happened, and I was relieved.  But the result of that has been that for the remainder of the day, I am not able to connect so easily with the reality of life, and things just don't seem real.  I know they are real, but they just feel like I'm not connected to them.  It's almost like I'm floating and my head is a little dizzy.  I'm wondering if maybe this is a longer term state of de-realization.  I've had that before, but it's not normally lasted so long.  I'm wondering at the same time if it's because I've been comfort eating and I'm feeling numbed and blissed out on the comfort food.  Already I feel my clothes are tighter, and that is a feeling I don't like.  I must stop comfort eating - but it's hard to break it. 

I feel as if there's a tightness around my head, and also around my throat.  I am wondering what that physical feeling is communicating and which part of me is behind that feeling.  I feel worried too, because I have not felt as if I'm in control of what I'm saying or writing - and I worry that I've said something inappropriate.  Yes, I think this is what worries me the most, that maybe I am not in control of what I'm saying or communicating!  It's like I'm in another world - another experience - and not in the reality of the day to day existence at the moment.

I had been re-reading some diaries that I had kept from when I was a child and a teenager and a young adult, and they had made me reappraise things and realise things from a different perspective, and maybe this has thrown me, in terms of my understanding of stuff.  But I am also aware of the things I never wrote in those diaries, and which I remember only too clearly - and yet, there are massive gaps in my memory - and the gaps are at stages in my life that I wouldn't have expected to have forgotten things, and therefore that makes me wonder about what exactly might have happened at those times.  This scares me, and worries me and perplexes me.

My estranged sister's Birthday is approaching, and I have been looking at cards to 'sisters' - but I thought I'd just look to see what kind of card I would have liked to send to her, and I'm not actually going to send her anything, as we are once again estranged, but it's upset me to think of the loss of that relationship - and the fact that it was never allowed to be a relationship in the first place.

Actually I feel very upset as I write this, and I can feel tears and a constriction in my throat.    It's harder to swallow at this moment.

My head hurts too - and I feel tired.

I'm looking forward to the online conference about trauma that is due to start tomorrow, but I remember how over-whelmed I was when I last tried to watch an online conference.  I must ensure I keep my perspective and just listen to the talks, and not get over-stressed out.  I am excited about them, at the same time.

I think I felt some guilt and shame when I was reading my diaries through, because I thought that maybe my FOO had tried their best for me, in some ways, but I am also very aware that I tended to describe things in my diaries as being ok, when infact I didn't feel ok at all - I used to portray a perfect picture - whilst underneath that, I felt far from that. 

Anyway, it's felt better to write these things, as I am beginning to feel a bit more reality and less spacey - which is interesting, as I had feared that I might make myself feel worse if I wrote about it, but I actually feel a bit better!  So that's good.

It is a good thing to write about things and get them out.
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope, I'm really glad that you feel a little better for writing things down and getting them out. I hope the rest of your day is restful and I hope you get lots out of the conference tomorrow, whatever is comfortable for you. 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Thank you 

********
21st September 2019
I watched the first of the talks on the online Trauma Conference, and the first session was interesting, and I took some notes - which I've shared in another part of this forum - not sure how clear they will be to others - but might be something there that's helpful.  I found it helpful to see the talk. 

I've been comfort eating quite a bit today - I need to get to grips with stopping doing that, as I don't want to end up piling on lots of weight.  I think that could happen if I don't stop.  I can feel some uncomfortable underlying feelings, and I guess that a protector part is making me comfort eat to try to numb those feelings, and I need to perhaps try to communicate with that part of me, and find out what is underlying it.  I'm not sure how to tackle this, but I will just be kind to myself over the weekend, and see what happens.

Hope 

[Jazzy]

I watched it too. I was really resistant at first, and didn't take any notes, so now I'm looking forward to reading yours!

I'm sure you will get to that problem when the time is right. Have a great rest of your weekend. Take care Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Glad you watched the talk, and got past your initial resistance.  I read what you wrote in the other thread, and many thanks for your wishes for the weekend, it has been ok.  Hope yours was too.   

**********
22nd September 2019
I have been comfort eating a lot this weekend, but I am hoping to change that next week - starting tomorrow.  I will try to eat better. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

23rd September 2019
I just wanted to write a few things, because I've just typed up my notes that I took about a talk on Sexual trauma (TW - mentioning my thoughts about it, might be triggering regarding content), and I noticed that I was so anxious this morning, because I knew I would be watching this talk, and I was anxious and scared about it.  But I did watch it.  I experienced quite a bit of spacey kind of feelings, and I also noticed feelings in my body as I watched - and weirdly at times I felt incredibly small as I looked at the women in the video - and I noticed things about their faces and their necks and their mouths, so it was a bit weird.  I think parts of me were experiencing the video differently - and I did need to stop it and replay bits, to get the notes I needed. 

I also noticed during the day that I felt angry feelings surfacing, and almost some stronger feelings - maybe even a rage bubbling about.  So it's definitely raised some feelings in me.  In different parts of me.

But now that I've shared the notes, I feel some relief at the same time, and I'm glad I was able to watch the video and write the notes, and then re-type the notes.  It was ok.  I am ok.

Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, glad you are feeling ok