Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Bach - May 03, 2024, 08:44:22 PMSending love and good thoughts 
#92
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: To My Father - a poem abou...
Last post by BecomingMe - May 03, 2024, 07:13:19 PMThanks so much for your comment PaperDoll
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - May 03, 2024, 04:35:00 PMSmall "drive by"
Had a situation that wasn't directed at me but still brought up some old sh-te. Tis the "part of but not belonging to" aspect of me (adopted) to the 2cd (adoptive) family. Well, 2nd family, maternal grandfather got into wood carving towards the end of his time in this realm, on that go around. He created functional models of the wagons, buckboards, including harness, harness trees, mules, people, that were around as he was growing up. I have previously told 2cd family that I would like to have a keepsake from him. Doesn't have to be a large piece, just something, you know? Multiple times over multiple years. Still waiting. While a nephew got a piece.
Ockham's razor the sisters are up in age, health issues, yada, yada, and they "forgot". However, this behavior is commonplace, has happened multiple times previously. Took several years to even get a image of my Dad. Like WT ever living F? I reckon the good part about it is that the "connection" there is * enough that if I bounce overseas, go native, go incognito it's not going to be that big of a thing for me. Part of this I think is the adoptee bit of accepting any little scrap of connection.
Wishing all here all the best
Had a situation that wasn't directed at me but still brought up some old sh-te. Tis the "part of but not belonging to" aspect of me (adopted) to the 2cd (adoptive) family. Well, 2nd family, maternal grandfather got into wood carving towards the end of his time in this realm, on that go around. He created functional models of the wagons, buckboards, including harness, harness trees, mules, people, that were around as he was growing up. I have previously told 2cd family that I would like to have a keepsake from him. Doesn't have to be a large piece, just something, you know? Multiple times over multiple years. Still waiting. While a nephew got a piece.
Ockham's razor the sisters are up in age, health issues, yada, yada, and they "forgot". However, this behavior is commonplace, has happened multiple times previously. Took several years to even get a image of my Dad. Like WT ever living F? I reckon the good part about it is that the "connection" there is * enough that if I bounce overseas, go native, go incognito it's not going to be that big of a thing for me. Part of this I think is the adoptee bit of accepting any little scrap of connection.
Wishing all here all the best
#94
Family / Re: Dad
Last post by Little2Nothing - May 03, 2024, 04:21:36 PMRizzo,
I had a similar experience with my M. Though I am finding a deep anger rising up in me. I thought I had forgiven her but now I'm not so sure.
I had a similar experience with my M. Though I am finding a deep anger rising up in me. I thought I had forgiven her but now I'm not so sure.
#95
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: To My Father - a poem abou...
Last post by PaperDoll - May 03, 2024, 04:08:15 PMThank you for sharing. I really like the sense of determination your words convey applause:
#96
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: We'll miss her
Last post by PaperDoll - May 03, 2024, 04:02:58 PMThank you for sharing your beautiful poem 
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Little2Nothing - May 03, 2024, 03:08:25 PM #98
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - May 03, 2024, 03:06:23 PMMy mother and I had a volatile relationship. We got along sometimes, but when she was upset it was difficult to be around her. When I ran away at 13 our relationship was cordial almost sterile. I can't remember that she ever asked me how I was, where I was staying, if I was getting enough to eat, etc. It never entered her mind.
Living on the street was difficult, especially in the winter. Shelter was not readily available and back then no one was worried about hobos and bums. In the area where I lived there were no soup kitchens or shelter that you could go to for the night. I had to fend for myself.
Over the years I thought that I had forgiven her. She wasn't really in my life and I would only see her under controlled conditions. I kept her from my kids, except for the brief period when she lived with us. She didn't care when I got married. Was never particularly fond of her grandkids.
Now I find myself thinking about her more than I ever did before. She abandoned me, ridiculed me, let me go hungry, let me have inadequate clothing, and didn't bat an eye when I was sleeping in a school yard. I don't know why she did all of that and I suppose I never will.
But, right now, I feel an anger toward her I have never felt before. She was my mother, why didn't she love me or take care of me? I am angry because she had me, her last child, even after she had abandoned every other baby she birthed. I am angry about the way I was raised, about the orphanage, scavenging for food, having shoes with holes in the soles. I am angry about her taking me to my abusers house, trying to give me to a strange man for money. I am angry that she made me carry the guilt of her beatings.
Most of all, I am angry for being angry. This is all in the past and I can't seem to rise above it. I wallow in its sorrow, groveling for someone to care and knowing no one could conceivable understand the anguish that cripples me almost daily. I am a caricature of a man, lost, fumbling with no sense of normalcy. I will carry this to the grave. I feel like I am allowing her past abuse to continue to abuse me.
Living on the street was difficult, especially in the winter. Shelter was not readily available and back then no one was worried about hobos and bums. In the area where I lived there were no soup kitchens or shelter that you could go to for the night. I had to fend for myself.
Over the years I thought that I had forgiven her. She wasn't really in my life and I would only see her under controlled conditions. I kept her from my kids, except for the brief period when she lived with us. She didn't care when I got married. Was never particularly fond of her grandkids.
Now I find myself thinking about her more than I ever did before. She abandoned me, ridiculed me, let me go hungry, let me have inadequate clothing, and didn't bat an eye when I was sleeping in a school yard. I don't know why she did all of that and I suppose I never will.
But, right now, I feel an anger toward her I have never felt before. She was my mother, why didn't she love me or take care of me? I am angry because she had me, her last child, even after she had abandoned every other baby she birthed. I am angry about the way I was raised, about the orphanage, scavenging for food, having shoes with holes in the soles. I am angry about her taking me to my abusers house, trying to give me to a strange man for money. I am angry that she made me carry the guilt of her beatings.
Most of all, I am angry for being angry. This is all in the past and I can't seem to rise above it. I wallow in its sorrow, groveling for someone to care and knowing no one could conceivable understand the anguish that cripples me almost daily. I am a caricature of a man, lost, fumbling with no sense of normalcy. I will carry this to the grave. I feel like I am allowing her past abuse to continue to abuse me.
#99
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by Armee - May 03, 2024, 02:34:53 PMGosh he*l yeah. Digging through all this trauma stuff, getting to a good place and then being able to biologically reset back to 20s or 30s and live life over without the trauma imprint so heavy? Yes please!
#100
Other / Re: Dissociation (I don't get ...
Last post by Armee - May 03, 2024, 04:47:57 AMDissociation is part and parcel with CPTSD. It really doesn't exist without it.
Don't worry. Yes it's weird but also it's how we survived everything we did. It is actually a skill that saved us.
I haven't read it but another forum member has recommended a book called "dissociation made simple."
Don't worry this doesn't mean you are crazy, it's what saved you from being crazy.
Don't worry. Yes it's weird but also it's how we survived everything we did. It is actually a skill that saved us.
I haven't read it but another forum member has recommended a book called "dissociation made simple."
Don't worry this doesn't mean you are crazy, it's what saved you from being crazy.