Out of the Storm

just got word - i'm in.  will be moving this week, should be all done and in my own spot by mon.  sobbed in gratitude and relief.  god does indeed work in mysterious ways.  i told the homeowner that i'd been in mex. for the past 15 yrs. and have no credit because of that.  she told me at the time she wasn't worried about that.  the background check came back today, sure enough - zeros across the board and a recommendation not to take me on as a boarder.  she's charging me a one-time, refundable $200 fee because of it, but she's taking me in anyway. 

i know that so much of this is due to all the positive energy you all have sent my way, all the warm wishes and wanting this to happen for me.  my heartfelt gratitude and thanks to all of you who have been pulling for me.  i can't tell you what this means, except that miracles do happen, so never give up your faith in the power of the universe.  bless you all. 

it may be a little bit after i move to get my computer up and running - gotta get some connectors for the wi-fi or something, but i'll be in touch when i can.  i can feel the tension running out through my pores as i write.  love and hugs to each and every one of you.  you're GREAT!!!

 :cheer:
;D  :fireworks: :party:
This is great news San!!
One mountain climbed xo

Yay!!  :cheer:

It is so nice to hear good news, caring people, and hope!!!

Yay!! :hug: :applause: :cheer:

::: Building a fortress of love and encouragement around this room :::

San, I am so glad that this is exactly what you need. It's wonderful that such a beautiful, helpful, kind person gets something right in your life at last!

:yes: The peace room, or the portal to the beginning of peace. I'm so glad you are there!  :bighug:

thank you all.  you've all been such a big part of this.

now i'm waiting for the move to actually happen, and last night i was able to recognize that i'm nervous as all get out.  today is exceptionally emotional, i'm crying all over the place, can barely get a sentence out without tears.  so, anxious, unsteady, afraid.  i've been holding it all together as best i could to get to this point.  still have a few days to go.  first part of the move will take place sat. to get all the stuff i can't fit into my d's place.  second part on sun. and grocery shopping to stock up, get my stuff in that room that seems like a room for a fairy princess, like the bed is filled with feathers, princess and the pea, and everything so dang pretty!  not used to it at all!!!

then i'll bring some of my own things that do not go at all with a b n b environment, and we'll see how that works.  no cute little knick-knacks.  rather, a string of black glass letters that spell M-A-G-I-C and a bold red and black raven print from a res in vancouver, canada.  very powerful stuff that somehow does not fit with these cute little doilied pillows on the bed, or the shelf paper on the little bookcase.  an interesting combination, to say the least.   all my witchiness/spirituality with a backdrop of sunshine and sheer curtains.  o my! 

one other thing that should be interesting is how my illness will be handled.  the day we went, i had the 'slows', had difficulty going up and down the stairs.  the owner is a cma (certified med. assist.) and began immediately talking about how doing those stairs will help me be able to do them better, how the walk to the grocery store will strengthen my legs, all these fixer-upper kinds of statements.  my 'slows' are purely from stress, and it was the first sign my body had really given that i was beginning to crumble under it all.  it should be fun (hah!) getting into discussions with her about this at some time.  we'll see!

meanwhile, wait.  it'll all come out the way it's sposed to, i'm sure.  it's hard to remember that during the worst times.  right now, with all your fireworks, cheers, and bands, i'm full of fortitude and optimism.  you all are great!!!  love and hugs all over the place.

Too much cute is annoying!      ;D

cracked me up, dee!  thanks for the smile.

phase 1 of moving should be today.  the guys here are gamers, one is so depressed that when i joked w/ him yesterday about how his motivation level was for moving some stuff today, he responded 'non-existent.  i'm not motivated to do anything.  but i'll do it,'  these boy/men were lovely to let me stay here, but the more i see this depression (he's another walking wounded, as is his older brother) and the edgy kind of vibe that's around sometimes, the more glad this is the last 2 days here.

i'm so nervous, tense, jacked up.  so very very tired underneath it all.  terrible combination.  the elder bro is playing d and d right now, started at 5 this a.m. cuz he plays with a bunch of people in eng.  i just want to get this over with, get settled, get a routine, all that.  soon, baby, soon.

very sad tonite.  tomorrow marks the first time in 15 yrs. that i'll be leaving my daughter's place, but not going back to my hub in mex.  very strange.  have begun having dreams, i know means that i'm beginning to crumble..  can't wait for this to be over.

also heard about gregg allman tonite.  r.i.p.  loved his music, and he had the best hair on a rocker, ever!  quite the memorial day weekend for me, one that i'll never forget.     

Great news that you're getting peace and privacy to heal, San, although I understand that being on your own has its own challenges.

Your recent experiences have been amazing, getting so fast from at home in Mexico to a small space of your own. I know you have a list of things to keep you occupied, starting with health issues.

One step at a time. You know we all love you here.  :hug:

Good luck to you sanmagic7

Yes, good luck to you sanmagic! You've accomplished so much in so short a time, getting out of Mexico and to your daughter's and then to finding your own little place.  :cheer:  :hug:

Hey, San, lets sit on that porch, enjoying a view and singing, loudly and badly, all our favorite songs by the Allman Brothers! I'll take the low harmony - I run tenor/low tenor - bass. Yeah, for a lady, that's deep. Thank you lousy thyroid! Still, I can now leave the soprano and alto to those with better voices LOL.

Now, aren't you glad you live very far away from me? I have heart, but not a good singing voice.

:bighug: For the heart of those issues. I hope you were able to sleep, maybe even to dream, without feeling the stitching popping and the snaps giving way. If so, I've got my thread, needles and bedazzler ready to go (closest thing I have to a snap installer). I may not help you fix or repair any blessed thing, but it might be funny and sparkly when we're done.

If any of those dreams got scary, I've got a big set of arms, just like this emoticon  :bighug: ready to wrap you until you feel safe to close your eyes. Tell about them if you feel ok with that. Otherwise, I see in your eyes that some things need to be absorbed before they get discussed. That's YOUR call. On YOUR time. As YOU are able. I'll still be here, friend. Ready.

Lord, I was born a ramblin' woman!

wife#2 and sanmagic, let me join in the singing on your front porch! Singing is really good for me but I have trouble hitting the right notes  :whistling: (I can't actually whistle either)  ;D

to you sanmagic  :bighug: with or without the singing

Lots of hugs to go around :bighug: I would love to join you three singing on the porch. Am actually a musician but singing is not my strong suit. Blueberry, I can't whistle either

When you can't find the light,
That guides you on the cloudy days,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

Soul Shine by the Allman Brothers. Lyrics from Metrolyrics.com. 

I can't sing in a voice that is pleasing to anyone. Still, I sing. It is a joyful sound, if a badly out-of-tune slaughter of the song I'm singing.

Friend, San, Let your soul shine. All of us will light our candles on the porch so you can find your way. Join us in weak or strong voice. Together, the good singers may drown our the untalented singers' voices, but we welcome that!

I can see us all gathered on the deep, friendly porch now. There is a swing on one end, a 'slider' sofa nearby, several rocking chairs and tables for everyone's drinks. The banister is wide enough to hold our candles in their repurposed bottle candleholders. It's warm, but not hot. The breeze promises rain later on, but we're not concerned. The porch is deep enough to protect us from rain, We each rock or swing as we all sing together, there is healing for each of us. The laughter is easy and gentle. If tears sneak up on anyone, the rest offer hugs, hands on shoulders, comfort. When the tears pass, we refresh drinks and begin singing again.

Join us, San. You are the bond that brings us all together on this porch. We are here for you today.  :bighug:

 :hug:

i heard you all, and i'm here.  just got internet this afternoon.  it's been a whirlwind to say the least.  lots of sadness, culture shock - so very very different.  am still adjusting, getting over yet one more round of bronchitis.  will see a proper doc on the 23rd.  kill me or cure me - it's my last shot.

as difficult and stressful as it's been these past 6 weeks, i don't regret getting out of there.  i feel bad for my hub - i pretty much cleaned the place out when i left.  but i think he's being taken care of by family and friends, one woman in particular i don't doubt, so he'll be just fine. 

one more house i lost, i left my car, it's difficult feeling so dependent.  my d has been great, but she's got an injury, hasn't been able to work, and doesn't have her own car so she has to borrow one from one of her roomies who isn't working right now, either.  at least there's that.  we're going for breakfast and groceries tomorrow.

that's about all i can say about it right now.  it's good to be back here with all of you, tho.  hugs and much love.

One foot in front of the other, san.  :hug:

We're just glad you checked in and are ok. HUGE hugs, because cyber-hugs don't hurt cough-weary ribs!  :bighug:

I am so glad to see you check in :bighug: It is good to see you back, and starting to adjust. I know you will make it and things will get to being better  :hug:

Good to hear from you  :hug:

Yay San!
:hug:

last night the enormity of what i've done washed over me.  not a lot of sleep.  felt like my alexithymia returned - i knew i felt bad, but i think there are so many emotions wandering around beneath the surface, and i can't even identify all of them.

my go-to emotion, sadness, is definitely up front.  there has to be anger, but i believe i'm holding it back.  i used to be able to pound my bed 'at home', which is no longer my home, but now that i live in a house w/ 4 other people, i can't yell and scream and curse the way i want to, which was always extremely cathartic for me. 

someone mentioned in another post about deep growling that they used instead of the screaming stuff.  i'm thinking that might be a good idea, when i have the energy to get that anger up.  i know i have a lot to be angry about, but i just can't really feel it yet.

as to other feelings, i don't know.  getting all these bureaucratic paperworks in order is kind of taking precedence right now.  don't have time or energy for me, don't have the privacy i wish i had to just let it out.  i don't regret the move - i wish it hadn't been necessary.

on the other hand, something has been pulling at me to be near my daughter, and i've learned to honor that feeling.  the why isn't clear right now, but i believe i need to be here for the both of us.

candid, wife2, contessa, blueberry, and elphanigh, i so much appreciate the support, the singing, and the music.  it just brought a smile to my face thinking about all of us together on that porch.  it's a great porch, wife2, and thank you for making it available.  it's being put to good use, for sure.  and hazy, your wishes for good luck were heard loud and clear by the powers that be.  that trip couldn't have been made without it.

love and hugs all around.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 08, 2017, 02:40:49 AM
last night the enormity of what i've done washed over me. 

I know that feeling! I'm still struggling with the decision to come back to the UK. More resources, more going on, but I feel like a dead woman walking. To say nothing of having put myself in a situation where FOO get reports... :roll:

Quotemy go-to emotion, sadness, is definitely up front.  there has to be anger, but i believe i'm holding it back.  i used to be able to pound my bed 'at home', which is no longer my home, but now that i live in a house w/ 4 other people, i can't yell and scream and curse the way i want to

As you know, I'm in a similar situation. I can feel my rage but not express it, and it's exhausting. I find no pleasure in anything, now.

Quotei know i have a lot to be angry about...

You and me both, sister! What I'm finding now is it's almost impossible to talk to anyone other than H, and I'm starting a training course with a roomful of strangers tomorrow.  :aaauuugh:  :spooked:

Quotegetting all these bureaucratic paperworks in order is kind of taking precedence right now.

It's good to have something solid to focus on, I think. Time for you is when the house quietens down and you can reflect on the day, although I know that can be a mixed blessing.

Quoteit just brought a smile to my face thinking about all of us together on that porch.

I'm there now. Let's have a fire!

San,

Somehow, some way, you are going to make it through this. I'm especially glad that the inner you spoke up about needing to be near your daughter. I agree, those are the kinds of 'hunches' that are best to obey. So, even though you have gone from a noisy world to a crowded world (WOW, 4 adults sharing a house, sounds like it could be good and could also be crowded), this 'new world' will have more to offer SAN in her healing than the old.

My many hopes for my friend San: I hope the bronchitis is getting better, letting go. I hope the paper tigers settle down. I hope the house-mates are good people who are kind to you. I hope they accept you (and your funky, cool decorations) with good grace. I hope having a door to shut for privacy, yet people within 'hollering' distance is one layer of the medicine you need. I hope that the emotional stew brewing turns out to be a manageable meal instead of an overwhelming volcano.

And, Candid - I love the bonfire idea! Just off the front of the porch is a fire pit. I'll gather some driftwood (Of course this is near the ocean - a mythical ocean that gives us the soothing sound of waves with no threat of hurricane or mudslide). We'll have s'mores and we'll write down all the things that deserve to burn on to sheets of paper and toss those papers into the fire.

Hm, I've actually done that once. It was really cathartic. I just used a charcoal grill on my front porch, then cooked myself some grilled hot dogs (money was REAL tight). Maybe, I can offer to grill out for the husband and kids - and do my cathartic thing over the memories I've had come up and over the current frustrations life is throwing at me. Candid - you are a GENIUS!

And San, my sister of the soul - I'm glad that the new place feels more peaceful, even though it's also more restrictive feeling. I'm mostly glad you are in a safe place and near your daughter.  :bighug:

hey, candid, the fire sounds like an amazing idea.  i've always loved them, have been drawn to them, love to tinker with them.  what a great idea for our porch of togetherness, healing, and recovery.  i just love it. 

good luck to you for tomorrow.  let us know how it goes, ok?  all strong energy going with you, and a protective shield as well.  warrior spirit to the fore!

i also hope you can get to that anger.  i don't doubt it's part of what's keeping you stuck in a dark place.  best to you with that.

o, wife2, you nailed it, too, with the ocean waves.  ocean or lake, the crashing/lapping ebb and flow has always been soothing to me, much more so than a babbling brook or a waterfall.  i've also burned stuff with bad juju, and it's been really helpful.  there's something about watching the smoke from it fly up into the universe, where it will be taken care of for me, as it gets taken out of me. 

the bronchitis is getting better, thanks.  the antibiotics are finished, so now it's just a matter of getting more of my energy back.  that may take a few days, but i'm used to it now.

this is a very big house, the people are quiet.  3 have rooms upstairs, i'm on the main floor, and her son is in the basement.  i had a pretty long talk with her today about some of what's going on with me.  she wanted to know if there was anything that she needed to be concerned about, but i assured her it's not like i have a heart condition or anything.  it's all the other things.

i told her about some of my physical problems, how my legs slow down and i'm thinking there's a brain disconnect in messages to them after stress, and how i'm hoping that i get a ct scan to let the doc know just what's going on up there.  as usual, i'm a little nervous that i'm making it up about my brain being damaged.  it's always been good to get a diagnosis that there's something tangibly wrong with me. 

i know that may sound weird, but there's been so much time, so many docs, and so few answers.  when someone finally says 'this is what's going on', it is such a relief, a validation that i'm not making it up, that there really has been something wrong with me.  how ironic!  30 years of hoping they recognize a real thing that's been hurting me and my health.  i don't know what it means to feel healthy anymore.

anyway, i did tell her that with my adrenals, i need rest, as little stress as possible, and more rest.  she told me that i'm in the right place.   i think she may be right.  this may be my new home rather than some kind of low-income housing where i have my own apt.  still in the adjustment phase.  we'll see.

in the meantime, step by step, little by little (poco a poco in spanish - i always liked that phrase).  i need time, am still gathering info on what i need, what i have to do.  thank you my sisters of the heart and soul - sisters on so many levels, it's difficult to comprehend, but feels right.  hugs and love.

:grouphug:

Yes, small but good steps. Enjoying the ocean moment :)

3 roses, that was adorable, made me smile.  we're all together in this, for sure, enjoying the ocean moment, like contessa mentioned.  thanks to both of you.

i can't wait to get the medical stuff going.  my poor body is so sick and hurting.  it's hard to concentrate on anything else, like recovery, when my physical being is acting up, acting out all over the place.  hmmm  . . .  acting out.  maybe that's my anger, like a rebellious teen, acting out.  geez, i don't even know anymore.  i think it's time to pound the bed and yell to myself.  otherwise i'm afraid i'll break open like a pinata.

i also haven't had time to think about the foods/spices i used to eat regularly, haven't had them since i got here, and that may be part of this as well.  sun. will be grocery day, and i'm stocking up on all that good stuff i left behind.  this makes me think that eating them on a regular basis might actually have been doing me some good.  i haven't had these joint pains before - inflammation building up?  could be.

strange to me to think something like food/seeds/spices could make such a difference.  well, not so much the food, but the others.  ok, i'll put this under the 'good realization' column.  of course, all the stress i've been under could have caused flare-ups as well.  ugh!  small, good steps, huh contessa?  ok, gotcha.  in the back of my mind is the fear that my landlady will kick me out cuz i'm too sick.  it's tickling my brain, and i know that isn't good for me.  i had to write it out, again, tho.  it's a lot of pressure.

i'm so mad at my hub for not following thru on what he'd say, and for going behind my back and getting himself into all kinds of debt cuz he knew that i'd tell him i didn't think it was a good idea.  so mad and so sad that i had to leave.  i would've been hearing all the time about how he didn't have any money - even more than before, and it had become nearly a daily thing before this happened.

all the 'i'm gonna do this' and 'i'm gonna do that' and never a follow-through.  dammit!!!!!!!  all the money i gave him or that he took and promised to pay me back and it never happened.  i am a stupid gringa.  3 husbands have now forced me out.  3 strikes and i'm out of the husband business.  certainly don't want another one. 

just did some quiet pounding, but it felt good to get some of it out.  there's more, i'm sure.  this is one of those small, good steps.  there will be more. 

thank you all for being with me.  love and hugs!

sanmagic, love and hugs as you settle down bit by bit in your new life, find your feet, find new people to trust. And as you have realisations about your past, painful ones. I'm so glad you're in a place where you feel you can do some quiet pounding. That's a good release.
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive and thoughtful comments on my threads while you're in a bad spot yourself. I really appreciate it.  :hug:

thanks, blueberry.  it's just all the upheaval that's gotten to me.  i got here may 12, which means i left mexico may 9.  i was making up my mind about my hub and leaving and packing all at the same time for the 2 weeks before that.  that makes 6 weeks of being upended.  all this, and my main goal is supposed to be as little stress as possible.  hah! 

ok, breathe, thank you wife2.  and thank you for your porch, and everyone else's contributions to making that a comforting, healing, and fun hangout space.  it has become my new safe place, and it's filled with what and who i love and want in my life.  it's good.

i'll get through this, i know, eventually.  you all have been helping me so much.  really.  more than i could ever have imagined.  thank you. 

You will get through this! I have faith in you. It's just you've been through so much in the last 6 weeks. No wonder it's taking a while for you to settle again. I think it would for anybody, not just us with CPTSD.

thanks for the faith, blueberry.  being sick just doesn't help.  i'm still recovering from the bronchitis, and i've had the runs for a month straight now - gross, but it seems my body is not reacting well to the stress of this.  i'm drinking electrolytes every day to make sure i'm staying even on that count, but my system just isn't liking this.  pepto bismol has become my best friend!

what a crappy post this is! 

as i suspected, another woman.  i know her, she and he have known each other since they were in their teens.   i believe their relationship changed from feeling like brother and sister to something more.  she's the one who paid for his trip to watch the whales with her hub and other relatives.,  conveniently, there was no room for me. 

she's been lavish with him over the years, and i do believe that when this whole money fiasco went down, she, unlike his crazy wife who could only see the ramifications for the marriage, the lack of teamwork that he'd always insisted on, the sense of betrayal, and the disappearance of any kind of trust, the crazy wife who ranted and raved and called the whole thing stupid, called him stupid for going along with the whole thing, who cried and questioned why he didn't talk it over with her before hand (because i knew you wouldn't approve), who was aghast at the risk he'd put her money in, while crazy wife (me) was doing all this, she was, i'm sure, giving him tea and sympathy and a shoulder to cry on about what a rotten thing was done to him, and then his wife goes ballistic on him as well. 

he told me tonite that she's buying him a new bed, and is probably going to set up camp with her trailer in front of our house, rent a spot on the property so that he'll be getting money coming in.  very nice gesture on her part, to take care of him in his hour of need, don't you think?

it's just that, all these years he's referred to her as his sister (he referred to another woman friend the same way, called her little sister in spanish), until one morning he was on the phone with her and i heard him call her 'baby'.  that's what he always called me.  when i called him on it, he defended it, said 'it's just a word'.  somehow, however, i don't see a man calling his  sister of choice 'baby'.,  that's a whole different relationship.

her hub just left again, and, as they say, the timing is perfect.  it's an affair of the heart, rather than of sex.  so, i'm not sleeping tonight due to thinking about this.  it was inevitable, i suppose.  he'll have someone to take care of him, etc.  one more reason to be gone - i was interfering in their 'thing' that had hotted up tremendously since he knew i was leaving.  but it had already started while i was still with him.

i just want to sleep this away.  i can't stand it.  i know he's telling me this stuff like it's just all a good thing between friends.  i can feel the difference.  he fell today and i felt so bad, was so worried, believed he was hurting so much emotionally, but i don't know about any of that now,.  i'm all in a kerfuffle.  and i hate it, hate that jealousy raised its ugly head even tho i was the one that left.  what the frick is wrong with me?  all the reasons for leaving  were valid - you all supported me on that.  i hate that i feel like this. 

ugh!

 :hug: Here's a cup of your favorite warm beverage, and here is a brand new box of tissues. If the tissues run out, my shirt can hold lots of tears.

I'm so sorry this has happened, right when you've been feeling so vulnerable and in upheaval. Suspecting and having a thing proven are very different things. Suspicion can help you have the healthy anger you deserve to feel when betrayed. Having it proven, and so matter-of-factly, well, that cuts too deep for anger alone. That's the territory of soul pain.

The thing that's wrong isn't with you. Really. He excused this changing of the relationship in his own mind. He made those choices. You are paying the consequences. That's just one small part of why this hurts so bad. You tried communicating without it being 'crazy wife'. You tried everything you could. As my father wisely told me and my husband once (regarding my mother), do all you can do. If you have done that, then it's time to wash your hands and walk away, with a clear conscious. That's exactly what you did. This fault does not lay at your feet.

:hug:  :bighug:  :hug:  :bighug:  :hug:  The gang is all here, ready to help you move forward from this. It's a big blow and it'll take time, but you WILL survive even this. You WILL overcome and discover, perhaps for the first time, that you ARE loveable and worthy of love.  :hug:

We had a couple marry in my county a few years back. He was 85, she was 90. They were an adorable couple. They ARE an adorable couple, both are still alive and happy together. Maybe, for the first time in their lives! This I tell you to remind you that as long as you are drawing breath, hope is not gone. 

well, i may have jumped the gun.  thanks for all your encouraging words, wife2.  his email this morning sounded very different from the one before.  i didn't have a very good night, but i was able to see that he does need help, and if she can give it to him, i'm ok with it.  i couldn't help him anymore.

so, it may not be as bad as i made it sound.  it was late last night, i just wanted to get some of those feelings out.  the jealousy thing was a surprise, tho, and something i didn't want to admit.  what i wrote him today is that i can't live with him, but don't know how to live without him.  so much sadness about this, so many tears. 

i'm actually not too worried about being alone, at least for the time being.  getting together with someone sounds like a lot of work right now.  too much sickness to bring to that table, but my primary focus is having a safe, quiet, stress-free place for this healing to begin/continue. 

and of course i'm loveable!  i'm a cutie pie!!!  lol!!!  just playing a little.  i'm just still on edge with all this.  it's been so much in such a short time.  eventually, it and i will even out.  yeah yeah yeah.

Roar said the lion in defense of her friend.

I'm keeping this tissue box handy, though. No matter what, there is the mourning of the end of a relationship. No matter what, we're here for you.

Fluffing up the cushions on the porch chairs and swing. Refreshing the drinks. Making sure the chalk bucket is easy to reach. And the sand buckets, too!

Just inside the door, for when the porch view has lost a bit of it's appeal, is a bookcase with cards, board games, books and videos.

This giant porch wraps around 3/4ths of the house. It's an old brown cedar shingle house. The rooms inside are spacious, just like the porch. Each room is lit in a different way. Some are bright and vibrant. Others are softly dim and peaceful.

I think I smell incense burning, it's a pleasant scent, wafting down from upstairs. The way it mingles with the smell of the saltwater feels spiritual.

I'll stop roaring my 'friend is hurting' roar.

I may not be able to give you the quiet space physically. But, the cyber porch and the cyber cedar house are available whenever you need.

you're the best, wife2!  you set a scene of exactly what i need.  happily, i've found much of that where i'm living now.  it is quiet, there's a deck, porch swings, flowers all over the place, and, while the ocean isn't in sight, i can see miles and miles of trees.  it's quite good all around.

i love incense, too.  jasmine, i think, is my favorite.  and parcheesi!  i haven't played that in ages.  lots of card games - canasta, cribbage, hearts.  all the good stuff from my childhood that i enjoyed so much i still enjoy now. 

you have the best porch in the world, peopled with the best people.  hooray for wife2!!!  big hug, sweetie!

Oh yeah, let's get together on the porch and play parcheesi!

In the meantime sanmagic,  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Please allow yourself to be, with all your feelings. Please don't condemn yourself.

I have Parcheesi at my house, too! My sister got it for my son and the pieces are big enough my husband can see and play. Hmm.... thoughts for IRL play with DS & DH this weekend.... Fathers day doing father/son stuff that we can all enjoy!

I love creating these images and helping everyone find the contentment within our souls, even if just for a moment.

My game box holds backgammon, life, monopoly - for whole weekends of fun, yatzee, cards for hearts, spades, poker, go fish, war, uno cards, battleship. The last two are late-in-life discoveries thanks to my wonderful stepkids. We had game night for many months until hubby got bored and oldest daughter would rather go on dates....

Now we can start that Parcheesi game... I claim the Green pieces! San gets to go first  ;D

I am so glad that your new home has peaceful spots and quiet housemates. What a delightful change, maybe just what your soul needed. I'm wrapping you in a blanket of warmth, love, peace and acceptance. Just as you are, flaws and all, because to me you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are.

You two make me so happy with all the games and happy images! Thank you  :cheer:

I would love to partake, but you will have to teach me Parcheesi haha, I am great at battleship though :) I

San I am glad it sounds like things are going well. You have truly done a brave thing for yourself  :hug: :hug:

i'll take the yellow piece, wife2.  i've played most of those games, just not backgammon.  never got into it.  wasn't particularly a gambler, except for a card game of my hometown called sheepshead.  that's my absolute favorite but hardly anyone outside my home state knows it.  you have set up a wonderful space to think about and come in out of the storm, so to speak, for at least a little while.  thanks for the acceptance.  it's wonderful that i can jump the gun about stuff and still feel the love.

elphanigh, of course you're welcome to join in.  i played battleship as a kid, loved it.  and parcheesi is easy peasy.  i'll teach you.  there is a red and a blue piece left.   and thank you for being you.

you all are the best.  i hope you know that.  wife2, did you ever take your turn in the middle of the circle?  i began packing right after it was kizzie's turn, and never got back to it.  i'll have to check it out one of these days.  i'm exhausted right now from the soc. sec. b.s. paperwork.  ugh!  see you all on the porch!

Thanks, you two are the best  :wave:

I will take the blue piece, it is my favorite set of colors. Thanks for letting me join in on the images and your porch

you and everyone else is welcome, at least to my way of thinking.  i'm hoping that's how wife2 sees it.  anyone who's recovering and battling this beast deserves a place just be for a bit, have some quiet time with friends, and play and laugh and just enjoy ourselves away from the scars and the scares.  just a little time out - it brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.  lovely.

speaking of doing something lovely, i took a walk in the misty rain today.  it's literally been years since i've walked outdoors, just taking a walk.  gotta build up my legs again, i couldn't trust them to go very far, but i got down to the corner and back.  it made me feel good in the belief that soon i will be able to walk to the store if i need to pick up a few things.  it's a couple of blocks further, but it's not so intimidating now.  yay!

That sounds so great! I am so glad you got outside to walk and could soon go to the store. Great progress and fun as well :) it is pouring rain here, so no walking but I love listening to the storms

San, that is wonderful news! We count all victories around here, remember?

:fireworks:

Yes, next time maybe one more block. I'm glad to hear that you are pushing some, but not beyond your ability to return home safely. Literally, one step at a time, right? :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 16, 2017, 12:48:09 AM
speaking of doing something lovely, i took a walk in the misty rain today.  it's literally been years since i've walked outdoors, just taking a walk.  gotta build up my legs again, i couldn't trust them to go very far, but i got down to the corner and back.

Yay for you!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: That's how we progress, in little steps. Ever forward, even if we slip back a bit for a while, we then move forward again.  :hug:

thanks, everyone.  small steps for real!  but, i do celebrate it as a victory.  in mexico, i stopped walking outside cuz of the dogs, the uneven surface (no sidewalks), and too many days of heat.  i used to walk about 3 mi/day, which felt really good.  then i just couldn't do it anymore.

so, starting over.  one foot in front of the other.  i just love everyone's enthusiasm, no matter what the accomplishment.  it's just great!  love and hugs!

i just had a wonderful phone conversation with my hub.  dang it, we're still in love.  i just can't live with him anymore, and i truly believe that i can't get the medical help i need there, either.  thankfully, he agrees.  so, we're going to be supports for each other in the best ways we can, even if it's long distance.  it's better than what it was when we were living together.

he told me he was always worried about me being at home alone all day, and that it broke his heart that i had virtually no one there, except him, but we only saw each other about 1/2 hr./day cuz he worked all the time and was so tired when he got home that he ate and fell asleep in the middle of conversations.  it wasn't good.  i was basically alone even tho i was living with someone.

plus the bickering, all the time, nearly every day, and worse if we were anywhere in public.  during this phone call, we were able to make each other laugh.  i told him about my fears about him having a girlfriend, he explained it all, absolutely not, and it felt reassuring and comforting.  i can choose to believe that because i want to.  i'm too far away for it to make a difference anyway.

so, this was good - caring, loving, comforting, reassuring.   i'm glad i decided to give him the number here.  this will help me heal. 

San, I am so glad you are getting the reassurance and healing you need. It sounds like from a distance you two could be truly healthy for each other  :hug:

i wrote earlier, but the page froze me out. 

elphanigh, i think so, too, at least so far.  we'll see.  one phone call is not the rest of our lives - i'm being cautious.

today i was able to walk all the way to the store, about 6 blocks.  i was really happy about that, it felt good and right.  then, my system slam-dunked me, too many bathroom trips, and i've been feeling physically crummy all day.  i can't wait to see that doc on fri.  i need this to be fixed.  it wears me out.

other things are falling into place, but feeling physically sick takes the glow off all of it.  i just hate this crapola - in more than one sense!   ugh!

The caution is propbably wise, San. I am glad some things are falling into place. I hope seeing the doctor will help your physical ailments. I am so glad you could make it to the store, but maybe time to slowly work up to that?

I do hope you are getting/have gotten rest, and that it helps you recover

Sanmagic, I just wanted to say Hi  :heythere: and Thank you for being here. I hope you take as good care for yourself as you do for us.
:hug:

Lingurine

elphanigh, to tell you the truth, this is a very restful place where i'm living.  i think it's exactly what i needed, even tho the idea of renting a room in someone's house was the last thing on my mind!   the rent is at least 1/3 what an apt. would cost, and even in senior low-income housing, i'd be having to pay utilities, cable, and wi-fi so i could get internet - all that would still come out to at least the same cost. 

this was, i believe, a miracle given me.  i am really grateful. everything - EVERYthing is included in my rent, and like someone pointed out, i'm rarely alone in the house in case something happens.  plus, i'm not isolated.  and, close enough to the grocery store.  i even bought some stuff this morning - walking there and back.

i am being cautious with that, also, being very mindful of when i'm getting tired.  there's a shortcut i can take on the way home if i'm beginning to feel tired.  i'm excited about being able to walk, have that little bit of independence, get a little bit of exercise, get out in the fresh air.  where i was living, it's already over 110 this week. 

so, i'm relishing where i am, what's going on, and glad i'm here.  the doc is in 3 days, and i'm excited and nervous.   i have an entire list typed out of everything that's going on with me, and i'm going to tell her that i'm putting my life in her hands, that i need help and healing.  in her picture she looks young, so we'll see what that means.

lingurine, hi right back atcha.  that was such an awfully sweet thing to say to me, it brought a smile to my heart.  thank you so much.  i'm so glad i'm here - you all are the best people i've never met, yet you are more my family than most anyone i know.  love and hugs to you, lingurine and elphanigh.  you help me keep going.  i don't know what i would've done without you, and everyone else here.  and that's the truth.

Sanmagic, I am so glad to hear all of that. You deserved a peaceful place to heal and make progress. It sounds amazing. Best of luck with that doctor. An always hugs and lots of love to you

got so scared today thinking about the doc appt.  my history with the medical profession has been horrible:  i've been ignored, glossed over, misdiagnosed, poisoned, given meds without any info on side effects, had horrendous side effects without being able to talk to my doc about them or what to do next.  i ended up taking my physical care into my own hands on nearly every level.

i've been treated piecemeal, but after 30 years of my own curiosity, exploration, research, and becoming part of this forum, i believe i have most of the big picture at last.  i have to have faith that this new doc in a new country will be a healer rather than a pill pusher, someone who wants to get to the bottom of what's happening to me and why, instead of just treating symptoms and sending me home,

i know that all of you wish me the best, and just like another member (and how i got across the border), i will be surrounding myself with you.  you are my shield and my light, will give me the strength and courage to speak up for myself, to challenge if that's what's needed, and to push for what is best for me.  you will also be there to allow me to take the time i need to explain what needs explaining.  i was told i have a 20 min. appt.  we'll see how that goes.

now it is time for me to get my info in order.  that was my goal for today.  i've put it off long enough.  the fear and anxiety was beginning to overwhelm me.  my hub called me and helped with that, and writing on here has helped the rest of the way.  i will be fearless because i know what all these physical ailments are about, and i know what i've put myself through in order to lessen, diminish, and even eradicate some of them

i am fighting for my life now.  i will not let fear get in the way of that.  nor anxiety.  they have no place here in this particular battle.  god will give me the words and actions i need in order to get the care that will help me out of this pit of physical despair.  i will trust.  i will have faith.  i will know what stance is necessary to get my point across.  i've survived possible threats to my life and physical wellbeing before by knowing how to behave, what to say in the situation. 

come friday, it is going down.

Holding hands, forming the circle of healing around you.

I may not be in here posting every day. Still, I read every day. Today, I had to join in this circle of truth, healing and well-being. Today, through Friday - and longer if necessary, we are here for you.  :bighug:

i know you are, my dear sister of the soul.  i can feel it.  i've got most of what i want gathered now, and i'm exhausted.  you will all be with me, there is no doubt in my mind.  thank you so very much.

I will be here with you as well, every step of the way :bighug:  Joining in the circle with Wife#2 to truly support and encourage you. YOu are so brave and strong. I know you can tackle this too  :hug:

Still here with you  :hug:

I'm here too sanmagic, keep your head up, you're so strong.
:hug:

Lingurine

thank you my dear friends and family.  i do need you, today and tomorrow, and will be keeping you close. 

i was reading parts of 'the body keeps the score' this morning, specifically about alexithymia, and one part talked about how many people suffering from this malady (for want of a better word) have so many complaints, aches, and pains that doctors can't figure out.   well, if all docs are looking at are the symptoms, and not the root causes, of course they won't figure them out.

all these emotions and feelings that i've been out of touch with for so long have sat and rotted inside my body, increasing inner tension until something has to break.  as i was gathering my previous lab tests to take tomorrow, i noticed (and looked up) that my liver is showing signs of being in trouble.  for years, i've been given meds or taking meds that the docs told me were hard on my liver, but never really told me how to help it cope.

so, add one more to the list.  i'm not afraid of dying, per se (just hate the thought of my self being taken from my hub and daughter - they depend on me and my strength), but i don't like not knowing.  what i'm afraid of is that this will be one more doc who does nothing more than the minimum, and i will go back to struggling to keep myself alive for the sake of the people i love.

as far as i'm concerned, if it were just me, i'd be ready to go.  being sick and uncomfortable all the time is no quality of life.  i wouldn't wish this on anyone.  i've had 2 instances in the past 9 mos. where i could actually feel myself dying, like my insides are slowly and quietly crumbling.  last year, after feeling this, is what gave me the impetus to visit my daughter up here for christmas.  i'd spent most of the year sick, but i didn't think i'd make it till the next christmas.

just before i found this place to live, i had the same feeling.  it's quite eerie, actually, but very real, and very different from anything i'd ever felt in my life.  each time it lasted long enough for me to take note, but not more than a few hours.   it'll be interesting to see what's going on inside me.

it would also be nice to be referred to a therapist, someone competent for a change, to help me get my 'self' back and become a whole person.  i've been struggling with doing it myself, you all have been fantastic support for me, but there's only so much i can do.

this is just no way to live.  i no i won't get anything near like what my life and way of living used to be, but it would be nice to have this trauma-related misfiring of my mind and body find some kind of peace.  i'm sure i could live on xanax for the rest of my life to alleviate the tension that's always there (yeah, i often do yoga and mindful breathing, but the results don't last very long.  they don't make me feel grounded or relaxed, hardly ever, but i do them cuz everyone says they're good to do.)

maybe i'm just so wound up and i need some professional outside input to help me untangle.  that would be nice.  in the meantime, i come here to rant, puke this crapola out, renew myself through all of you, and distract myself by answering other posts. 

today's just a bad day.  too much wariness.  i wish i could just accept that what will happen will happen, and i'll deal with it (and i know i will), but i can't shake the junk flying around that knowing.  my brain hurts now.  time to go kill some zombies.

San that sounds like such a rough day. I wish I had more words to console you and make it all better. I can imagine that feeling is so eerie and difficult to handle. Truly, I hope that the doctor you see tomorrow will be helpful. I would make sure to speak up about the root of the problem, even if she doesn't ask. I know that can be so hard, but it is her job to help you.

Know that even though I don't entirely have words to express it right now, I am right there with you. I  know just in the short time I have been on here, that you have truly made a great impact on my life, and I am sure there are many others on here that would say the same. I will be caring for you and supporting you every step of this way from however far I am from you. I do hope that you find some peace and to get back to your self. I will be here to offer any help and warmth I can.  :hug: :hug:

I hear you Sanmagic, the first thing that comes to mind is: do you take anti depressants? I know this puts a strain on your liver but when you don't take them already, maybe it's time. There are different kind or combinations to make. They do improve the quality of life and maybe that's a road you can travel. Why suffer and feel body pains all the time, especially when they don't find anything, stress can cause a lot of pain. Worth a try maybe?

Take care dear Sanmagic  :hug:

Lingurine

elphanigh, i know you're with me, and you, too, lingurine, and everyone here.  i can feel you when i just stop for a minute.  you're all around me, and i'm safe with you.

i've been on anti-depressants several times, as well as anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and more.  the last time was in april, i was given prozac.  it made me move like a robot, actually uncoordinated arms and legs - even my mouth worked in a very robotic manner when i talked.  my daughter could hear it over the phone.  that happened in only 3 days of being on it.

when i was on effexor, eventually it started affecting my legs.  at the time i was diagnosed bi-polar, and the shrink said that the bi-polar was getting worse, that's why my legs were shooting out randomly sideways.  so she put me on a mood stabilizer or some such thing.  again, and that was about 4 yrs. ago, within 3 days my legs were so out of control that as i was walking in the morning, i lost control of them, and i ended up falling, breaking a wrist and a part of my vertebrae.

my hub made the 125 mi. trip by bus to talk to her 3 times about this, she kept insisting it couldn't be from the meds cuz it had happened too soon after i'd started it.  i ended up in the e.r. up there, not trusting my legs at all anymore, using a walker.  finally another shrink told me to stop taking that med. 

my body doesn't take well to meds anymore.  any stress and i get the runs.  i've basically had them now for 2 months because of this move and the 2 weeks before, when i was deciding to go, and packing.   i'm drinking water and electrolytes every day, but i know this isn't good for me.  pepto bismol has become my best friend.

i know what my depression felt like when i was truly clinically depressed.  that's not what this is.  i'm just worn down from feeling crappy all the time, always in some kind of pain or discomfort, have been like this for over 20 yrs.   i've had periods of feeling ok, more of my pos. spirit at the fore over this span of time, but even i, as strong as i am, can only take so much. 

maybe i do need to be on xanax, just to give my brain/mind a break from the tension of feeling crummy.  i'm open to taking something that will help me feel better, but i need something for chronic illness.  it's just gone on so long.  the doc tomorrow is my last hope.

i have no trouble telling a doc what i need, what i think, if i disagree.  i've seen too many of them over the years, and when i didn't know what was going on, i took their word that they knew.  as i've learned more, i've spoken up more, taken in all kinds of info, whatever it took to get my findings across.  i need massive lab tests taken, and i need my brain scanned.  i need to know, and to have the doc know, just what we're dealing with, once and for all.

so, i will be armed with all my info, with my guardian angel, with la bruja who protects me from danger, and with all of you.  we'll see what happens.  thank you for your suggestion, lingurine.  and for your caring, all of you.  i am aiming for satisfaction, but i have to be careful.  my system doesn't do well with very much anymore.  and my patience with pill pushers for the sake of treating symptoms is gone.

you all are a big part of my strength now.  i'm forever grateful.  i hope you always know that.  you're in my prayers and my heart.     :hug: back to you all.  thank you for being here.

Today is your doctor's appointment, let's hope it will go okay for you. It's good to know you at least try to improve your quality of life, you deserve it.

Good luck!  :cheer:

Lingurine

you know, i've gotten myself into such a snit over this doc appt., and thinking it over, i believe i've been experiencing an ef over it.  it has triggered me back into all the medical walls i've experienced over the past 30 years, and the fear rose up and roared in my face.  this caused me to just write all the unnecessary thoughts and feelings down here, and to stir myself up even further into a bad place.

then, as i've read so many times in posts about past abuse, i would wonder if i was making it up, if it wasn't as bad as i thought about it, if i was just being a baby.  those thoughts crossed my mind last night.  maybe my brain is fine and it's just me, trying to get attention or something.  doubting myself big time.  maybe i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and it's some simple little thing that i should have been taking care of all along.

so, i am definitely stirred.  my digestive system is going bananas, worse than ever.  i feel sick, like i'm getting the flu - my eyes hurt, my face feels warm from the inside, i am fatigued and lethargic, as well as in pain.  i also thought about how many times i went to docs, asking questions, just to get an 'i don't know' and no follow-up.  i would feel terrible and all the tests came back saying nothing's wrong.

that happened earlier this year.  i kept telling the doc i had adrenal fatigue, he adamantly denied it, said my symptoms were the same as thyroid.  he finally agreed to test my adrenals and my thyroid - sure enough, the thyroid was fine, the adrenals were not.

on to the internal medicine doc this past april.  she looked at the adrenal test, decided that what she saw couldn't be so, and ordered another test to prove she was right.  i left before i had to see her again.    this is another diagnosis that the medical profession doesn't generally believe in - either adrenals are working, or they're not.  no gray areas, like 'fatigue'.  similar to our experiences with c-ptsd and alexithymia.  they're not in the manual, so they don't exist.

we are black swans.  the bell curve generally used by teachers, docs, therapists - any and all in the helping professions - has a small wing on one side of it, bells up and curves down, then has another small wing on the other side of it.  between these two small wings lie 80% of the population.  these are the people and their maladies that are taken as the norm.

but, what about the 10% represented by each small wing?  what about that 20% of the population that is basically ignored because it is outside the 'norm'?  how are they looked at and treated?  practically non-existent so basically ignored.

for many, many years, people believed there were no black swans, because all they ever saw were white swans.  eventually, someone went exploring off the beaten path in new zealand (i think - this is a true story) and lo and behold, they discovered a bunch of black swans.  these beautiful birds (look up a picture of them - they are magnificent) lived nowhere else in the world.  if it weren't for these hardy explorers whose curiosity sent them to regions unknown, the world would continue to believe that black swans don't exist.

i think of us as black swans.  we are magnificent creatures, surviving in our own way in our own place.  we are outside the bell curve, and it is only those in the helping professions who are curious enough to be explorers that will discover us and learn about us.  i'm hoping this doc is one of those explorers.  i deserve to be recognized and acknowledged. 

so, i will fight for that today.  fight for validation and verification that i exist as my own unique being.  whatever it takes, whatever i must do.  i can do this because i am not alone.  thank you for being with me. 

Dear Sanmagic, this is such a beautiful post. I am so proud of you for fighting for this validation and making your voice heard. I love the black swans, they are so beautiful, it is a great comparison to all of us. I am right there with you, giving you all the strength and support I have.  :hug: :hug:

I know what tattoo I'm getting next!  :D

Three roses, that is a brilliant idea actually. I have a few and my abuse related one was going to be a lotus flower of sorts. the black swan would be so amazing as well. Not sure how serious you were about it, but definitely made me think

Oh, on a scale of 1-10 of seriousness I'm at 92. :D

That is great! Would love to know if you go to do it  ;D

Dear sanmagic,
I'm not reading and writing on here so much atm either. So I missed your post from yesterday / day before about doc appointment and how you're doing. Just want to wish you the very best and say I'm standing with you and standing with the others in the healing circle round you.  :bighug:

San, did you learn anything at the docs today?

you were there with me, all of you.  my daughter came in with me and helped me speak about what was going on. 


the doc felt good, i'm going to go back to her.  i ended up with the 'slows' by the time we were done, and i was able to show her what i was talking about.  she's got me going to see a behavioral psychologist to discuss stress management.  we'll see how that goes.  i'm also getting referred to a retinologist and dermatologist - she saw a mole on my belly that she didn't like the looks of.  i've got about 50,000 moles and i don't like the looks of any of them!!!   lol!!!

anyway, my legs are beginning to come back now.  this is about 3 hrs. later.  i did tell her that i wanted a brain scan, she kind of ignored that, but i'll keep at it.  she wants to see what these other lab results say, i think.  she's cautious, as most of them are, but she was also gentle and seemed caring - not at all gruff or dismissive.  i think she's gonna need some education, as will the psychologist, on c-ptsd and alexithymia.  that will come in time.

i'm hopeful.  she did say right off the bat when she was looking at the list of stuff that is bothering me that this was going to take time.  i know that, and i don't have a problem with it.  luckily i have enough extra eye drops to keep the glaucoma at bay until i get around to seeing someone. 

i did find melatonin when i went shopping.  someone had mentioned it for help with sleeping, so i'm going to give it a whirl tonite along with my benzo, see what a difference, if any, it makes.  i've been doing magnesium with my klonopin for a few nights, and it seems to have been helping me sleep more deeply - i haven't felt the desperate need for naps the past few days.  that's very new for me. 

i think that because i don't have to get up at 5 every morning is making a difference, too.  if i wake up, i can go back to sleep not worrying about what time i might get up.  before, my hub's alarm went off at 5, and if i woke up at 3 or 4, i'd just stay up cuz it would take too long to fall back asleep.  i'd aggressively guard my nap time - it was nearly claws out and fangs bared.  i don't have that feeling this way.

so, i think even this is part of my healing, finding my own sleep rhythm.  i'm looking to be extremely selfish in this phase of my recovery.  i just finished talking to my hub, and, like i told him, my not being there is a load of worry off his shoulders, too.  especially during the summer.  he worried about me constantly getting stuck in the heat and what it would do to me. 

knowing he doesn't have to worry about me is also something off my mind, because, truth be told, i'd worry about me in the heat as well.  it would be 100 by 7:30 a.m., which was when i'd be coming home from buying groceries every week, completely exhausted and feeling totally out of it.  it seems that as i write about this, more of these things i'd been dealing with on a regular basis are falling off my shoulders.  it's a good feeling.

black swans, huh!  magnificent.  i'm glad you liked that story, and i'd love to see those tatoos!  i can't remember when or where i heard it, but i looked it up and found it to be true, and i thought of people like me who haven't fit in the 'norm' on so many levels.  it seems to embrace all of us here.  beautiful black swans, that's what we are.  i embrace you all right back. 

thanks so much for being with me, for pulling for me through my rantings and ramblings, and  for pulling me through these trying times i've been experiencing.  you are all in my heart, always.  i love you all.  this is what friends and family are supposed to be like, and i'm honored that you've included me.  time for some porch-sitting.  i've got my citricel with me, gonna put my feet up for a bit.  the future looks brighter. 

3 roses, i was just finishing up when your post came through.  perfect timing!  love that picture - it's really quite outstandingly lovely!  takes after you, methinks! 

San, I am so glad to hear that she feels good to you. It sounds like she is going to be helpful to you. I hope she finds answers for you, although I am glad you both recognize the long process that all of it may take. I have faith that you will be able to educate them on cptsd and help further their understanding. She does seem pretty open.

You definitely deserve to sit back, with your feet up for a bit

thanks, sweet elphanigh.  the referrals went thru for both the dermatologist and the retinologist, so i'm in the process of getting those appts. set up.  both will be good to see, get some answers. 

just tired today.  so much to do, it seems.  one foot in front of the other!

just need to get this out of me, onto the screen, and off into the universe where it will be taken care of. 

my brother contacted me today, assuming i was still living with my daughter and hoping all was well with me.  i've already written that a few weeks ago, my sweet daughter was put in an awkward situation because he told my sister (who has refused to speak to me for 25 yrs., and has spread lies about me - methinks she is npd, and i've talked at length with my bro about that.  he had a horrible time with her last year, swore that he was done with her, and wanted nothing to do with her anymore.  well, i guess he didn't keep his word.) who told my nc daughter who told my nc ex who told my sweet daughter that they all now knew i was back in the states.

my daughter here has also gone nc with her sister, and that whole situation is upsetting/triggering just to mention her name.  her father knows this, too, but being who and what he is, he also felt the urge to get her involved with all of it.  which made her quite nervous and worried about whether she should tell me or not.  grrrrr!  i'm so p.o'd right now i want to grind my teeth!  argh!!!

so, i not only got ticked at my bro, but at my ex for getting her involved, for dumping that crapola on her, putting her in such a position.  not cool at all.  she told me that she talked to her father about it when i said i was mad (she didn't want me to get involved, wanted to handle it herself, the little independent streak rising up in her!) but i told her that i could be mad at him if i wanted to.  she agreed - she just didn't want me to get involved between him and her.  (my girls have always protected him against me, like i was going to do something horribly wrong to him.  it's been this way in our family the whole time). 

when i got the email from my bro this evening, i decided it was time to let him know what i thought, and i did so in no uncertain terms.  told him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship.   i also told him that i don't trust him anymore, that i can only assume now that he's told my nc sister all the crapola that i've told him, and that it wouldn't happen again. 

i'm glad i'm writing this.  it was really difficult to do, but i am so sick and tired of people going behind my back and telling my business to people when i thought there was some kind of innate confidentiality inherent in our relationship, that these personal things wouldn't be let outside to anyone.  especially not to someone who we have agreed on time and time again is a liar, manipulator, bully, and controlling ------  i don't even know the words anymore.  someone not nice.

ok, breathe, thank you wife2.  deep breath in, out, in out.   yawn.  crap and a half, they're dropping like flies.  that's it for me.  no more.  i don't know that i can trust anyone anymore.  what a frightful feeling.  i've gone thru my life trusting everyone from the get-go.  i guess i had to learn this lesson the hard way.  sucks.

Oh San, I'm so sorry he let you down like that!

Ugh, I absolutely hate that feeling I get when I think someone's been talking about me. There's a fear, or something, that comes up in me, and then I get to go thru all the * thought stopping again, correcting my thinking and bein' all functional. Blah! What a pain.

'Twould be a darn sight easier if everyone just said what they meant and meant what they said, & followed thru with it. If you say you won't tell, then don't! Or don't say you won't! How hard is that, people???

Sorry, I seem to have some feelings about this....

It feels so, so lonely when this happens to me. Hugs to you, dear San. ♡

Ooh, it makes me so mad when they get together and make up stories about us and our nefarious intent when all we're trying to do is stay clear of them.

Quotetold him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship

It's the constant betrayal that makes me mad.  :stars:

3 roses and candid, thank you for those feelings - they feel so supportive!  they feel validating as well. 

i've been betrayed now by nearly everyone i'd held close to me, believing we'd had a relationship as confidantes.  to find out otherwise, especially through third parties, really sucks the big baloney!  and the fact that this one had put my daughter in a compromised and awkward position really fried my bacon! 

i didn't hear from him today so far, and i don't know that i will.  you're right, 3 roses, about having to go thru that whole process again.  that's almost worse than the actual betrayal, cuz those thoughts can take a lot of time to be resolved, at least for me.  it did help to write about it here, and to my hub.  i told him that i'm just gonna focus on my health from now on, and he agreed that's a good idea.

happily, you all are part of my health plan now

so, that's the last of my foo going down the drain.  he and i have both been smoked by her, he several times, and i thought she was out of his life.  now that i think of it, how could i trust someone in that family who was raised with her?  another lesson learned the hard way.

thank everything for all of you and this place.  thanks for being mad on my account.  i absolutely loved that!  i loved that show of emotion from both of you so much, it really warmed my heart. 

i've got a little niggling thought in the back of my head of what if he didn't do that?  i didn't ask him in the email, just rammed him full bore.  i know christa told her father, told him not to tell her sister, but i can't really trust that he wouldn't.  i don't know.  i suppose it doesn't matter.  i'll never see my brother again.   he's back in our hometown, and i don't plan to go there, unless it's for a funeral, and my daughter here wants to go.  any kind of family thing would be hard on her, and i'd want to be there with and for her.

otherwise, i'm where my future is, with the people of my future.   that's plenty enough.  i will be content.  focus on healing and health.  those other people are not my priority.  i wish there was an emoji for blowing a raspberry!!!

San, I am sorry to hear he did that. I will validate you as well in the fact he had no right to do that. It was a large betrayal of trust. I am glad you stood your ground and emailed him about it not bring okay.

I hope you ahve found some peace in your day, it sounds like you are starting to move forward at least. If it helps we could go play some catch, or sit on your porch with something to drink. I miss Wife#2's ability to create those scenarios, but I hope you  know what I am getting at. Lots of hugs to you my dear friend  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 26, 2017, 03:44:56 AM
when i got the email from my bro this evening, i decided it was time to let him know what i thought, and i did so in no uncertain terms.  told him i was mad, that i felt betrayed, that i'd been open and honest about my life and the people in it and i thought there was honor and integrity in our relationship.   i also told him that i don't trust him anymore, that i can only assume now that he's told my nc sister all the crapola that i've told him, and that it wouldn't happen again. 

Yay for you  :cheer: I can hear and sense your strength here. You go for it! Tell it like it is.  :hug:

thanks, elphanigh and blueberry, for your validation and support.  i haven't heard from my brother, and it's been several days, so i don't expect that i will.  there's nothing he can say, unless he didn't tell her, but i think, if that were true, i would've heard from him by now.

on with the medical stuff.  i'm getting notices of my lab test results.  both the adrenal hormones came back, and both are now lower than what they were when tested in mexico.  i don't know what it means, yet, won't find out till the 14th. 

yesterday, i was looking thru the med. history in this online chart they correspond with (this is all new to me!), and i noticed that the doc had me down as having ptsd.  well, i jumped on that, sent a message to my doc, then simply poured out my heart about how i've suffered at the hands of docs and therapists, and that i need help, need to have her look at every contingency.  i felt extremely vulnerable in doing this, not only in giving some of my history, but in pleading for help.  i even mentioned i was desperate.

it turns out the message was taken by an assistant who wrote back blah blah blah, so sorry, this is a space for simple questions, i'll give the doc your message so she can update your history.    an ice cube would have been warmer.  now i've got info on c-ptsd printed out to give to both the doc and the therapist, cuz i don't doubt that they're both clueless, but i do doubt that they aren't the explorer type who go off the beaten path and discover black swans.

it feels like it's gonna be another frickin' battle, i don't know.  it was spirit-sapping.  i'm sposed to see this behavioral psychologist for stress management.  well, i looked it up.  i do several of the things suggested, but they're stressful to me because they cause me pain.  i do them cuz they're supposed to be good for me, like massage, but it hurts too much to be relaxing.

i started doubting myself again.  what if, once more, all the tests come back neg., there's nothing wrong with me, they'll shrug shoulders, say i don't know - this has happened so many times in my life, i've lost count.  then, one of the articles i printed out was by van der kolk, and he restored my faith again.  there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain (i did include that in my message to my doc, that i believe there's brain damage due to layers of trauma).

my appt. isn't for 2 weeks.  i don't know how to keep my undies out of a bundle until then.  focus on the now - i just read that in someone's journal.  it's just that when i begin to focus, my brain starts running around all over the place.  i focus on breathing, breathe in, breathe out, over and over and suddenly i've had several minutes of thinking of something completely off the wall.  don't know how i got there, don't know when i stopped focusing on my breathing.  i just catch my mind in this new place, haul it back to my breathing, and inevitably, the same thing happens.  this has been going on for more than a year.

i know, wife2, breathe, but i tell ya, my mind just runs off with a mind of its own.  i think 3 roses mentioned that i was a 'flight' person, always busy.  that's probably what's going on here, but it's frustrating.  and, how do i explain this to the t who's going to be telling me to be still and relax?  frickin' battles, man.  they just won't stop.

i'm jumping the gun, i know.  it's just that it already feels like the same old thing is waiting around the corner.  wonder why i'm so fatigued?  my brain doesn't stop working!  time to live better through chemistry, slow that mother down.  my chest is pounding just writing/thinking about this.  should be a fun 2 weeks. 

Oh San! It's horrible when we reach a point of begging for help and get those ice-cool responses. I'm so sorry to hear about your sapped spirit, although I know you and I know you'll keep getting up and battling on. Don't fret over the receptionist/paper-shuffler; they're not allowed to think for themselves.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 30, 2017, 12:24:19 AM
there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain

I know this about myself. I am perpetually so exhausted that I spend as much time as possible lying down. The mindfulness thing is over my head, too. Focusing on the here and now is far too painful, so my mind runs back over every trauma and finding new ones.

Hold on, my darling. One thing at a time.  :hug:

San,

OK, I had to read, catch up and respond. I can't even respond to everything, but I will say this much....

Bro, maybe keep him as family, but only discuss the weather from now on. Yeah, betrayal, even when they think it's 'for a good cause' stinks up to the highest heaven.

At least you still have your sweetheart daughter in the trusted/trustworthy category.

Dang, I'm so sorry that happened.

And, yes, breathe. You can still flit around your room/house/yard, but breathe. In for 3, out for 5.

As for massage, don't get a 'real' massage, but just a 'touching' massage. Just ask the masseuse to touch once over where the massage would usually take place. Baby steps. Acclimate your skin to being touched in good ways. Then, next visit or two down the road, ask for gentle pressure for that touch. Like you would if you were wiping your face with a napkin. Just a little pressure. If it stops being relaxing and starts to hurt, back to touch only.

Last thought. Yes, you probably are flashing back to all those other visits before. Since nervous flitting around is how you cope with anxiety, go with it! That is NOT a bad coping mechanism. Maybe, when  you see this therapist, tell them, 'I don't do sit and relax. Hand me a duster and let me pace your office. That would actually work better for me than sitting and 'relaxing'.' Remember, my therapist friend, that the PATIENT is in charge of HOW the process moves forward. You don't have to listen if they point to the couch. If sitting cross-legged on the floor worked best for you, then insist you get this done YOUR way. Flit, and don't apologize for it!

Your coping mechanisms may not be perfect and may have stumbled you a few times in your life. But, they did get you THIS far in life, imperfect as they are. Ones that work for you shouldn't be eliminated because they make a therapist, a doctor or even a friend uncomfortable. My husband is a constant motion fellow. It doesn't make me nervous anymore, especially since I recognize it's how he thinks and deals with life. People you are paying to help you had better just get over it. Pace, flit, frolic if you want to (and your body is up for it).

:bighug: :bighug:

candid and wife2, my darling sisters.  you two are part of my true family of the heart.  my bro, well, he can kiss my sweet, awww, you know what!  i just don't need it or him.  it's not like we have family get-togethers or anything.  i haven't seen him in 10 yrs.  so, that foo thing is pretty much out the window.  it's ok.  just another loss.

as far as being busy, i'm not a mover type person.  typing here is a way of being busy for me.  playing computer games.  my brain running in circles.  that kind of thing.  i can sit in her chair for an hour and be still physically, but my brain and probably my mouth will be working overtime.  we'll see.

got the results of most of my tests.  the ones that i could understand show, basically, nothing wrong with me.  the adrenal tests are differently done than they were in mexico, so i don't know what they mean.  the only thing i saw is that both hormones were at lower levels than they were when done in mexico.  so, that's still up in the air.

otherwise, right now it looks like the same old thing - tests come out fine, don't know why you feel crummy.  shrug shoulders.  again, working on putting this in its own compartment for the nonce (love that word).   but, it does look like my liver and kidneys are ok, so that's good.

and, i didn't pop a pill yesterday, just rode the anxiety out.  i was kinda proud of myself for that. 

i'm now waiting for my daughter who's going to take me to the eye doc.  i'm glad that's going to get started so quickly.  i do worry about my eyes.  it's a lovely day today, the end of june, and the year is once again flying by.  my hub will call tonite to see how the eye doc went.  i am good.

I am so glad to see you say the words " I am good".It is a beautiful day here to end the month here as well.

I am sorry the test can't show anything wrong so they can help. Have you mentioned the trauma? I know that is hard but they can look at different symptoms differently if they understand the background.

Good luck at the eye doctor! :hug:

Wife#2, that was a beautiful post and a reminder of something very simple: declaring what we want, as opposed to gritting our teeth through what Other People (especially 'professionals') think we should have.

I've just read a terrific post by JohnIvan, http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6626.msg44527#msg44527 and I think it's pertinent to us right now, san.

I'm exhausted with trying to think my way out, so I'm going to work with this and see what happens. I say we meet on the porch in an hour.

thank you, elphainigh and candid for your tireless support.  love it, love you.

the eye doc, after 2 1/2 hrs. of tests and exams said that he couldn't see any evidence of retina detachment.  ticked me off that the last ophtalmologist i saw in march diagnosed that in approx. 10 min., leaving me worried and nervous for my eye for several months.  this guy also said that with such a diagnosis, it should have been fixed immediately, not tell me to get an appt. with my reg. doc 2 mos. down the road.  ticked me off.

i also started crying in the office for all the care the assistant was giving me, tests, exams, etc. that were basically prep stuff, info for the doc.  i cried on realizing how badly i was being cared for down there.  she tried to smooth it over, but i wasn't having any of that.   i had never been in the eye doc's office, incl. any of the eye chart prep stuff for more than 15 min. at most.   that was for more than 4 yrs.

this doc couldn't even say for sure that i have glaucoma!  only that my eye pressure had been elevated to a point where someone else thought to start treatment as if i did.  he did tell me that i have cataracts on both eyes, but that was an age thing.  i'm ok with those.

grrrrr!!! 

i'm so glad i'm out of that place.  there was no chance of me getting better there, and every chance of me getting worse and worse.   the med. profession may have its flaws here (i know, i've heard from lots of people), but having been treated where i was, this is like coming to a sanctuary.  again, so clean, everything up to date and available.  wow, what a difference.  he did want me to see the retina specialist just to make sure, but i'm 99% sure now that there's no problem w/ my retina.  ugh!!!

for some reason, i read kizzie's info on depersonalization, took an online diagnostic that came out saying i was severely depersonalizaed.  i've had questions about dissociation, and the rest of this, but never felt like i dissociated.  this other, however, i could relate to.  wow - i didn't see that coming, but i guess i've had an inkling about it for awhile. 

i think my depersonalization is less than it used to be - i was answering the questions not necessarily in the present, but anytime during my life that i remembered.   it makes sense to me, tho.  i've been told that i live in my own sanmagic world, and i have clung to things that in my mind were true (whether they actually were or not i have no proof) that got me thru some of the rough times - like 30 yrs. worth.    i've told others as if they were true, too.

one more coping mechanism.  you're right, wife2, maybe not always neat and tidy, but they've helped me survive in order to be here today.  i'm grateful to them.   

candid, a little chat on the porch would be great.  i have to tell you, tho, that i don't agree with everything johnivan says, so i'm going to keep going my own way.  i'm feeling better than i was, my system is settling down, my life is much calmer since i moved - those were all things i needed to think about before i was able to move on to this next phase.  i  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

the example i shared about being able to hold one's arm up or not depending on what your mind is thinking shows me that the mind is greater than the body.  and, when i watched 'a beautiful mind', it showed that the mind, what we think, can even be greater than the brain.  i'm once more using my mind to re-wire my brain, working on getting my emotions back, as well as getting my body into a healthier place.  but, if what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

so, i'm clean, my bedding is clean, my clothes are clean today.  it felt good to just do some physical stuff after the stress of yesterday.  yes, i lost my legs for several hours afterwards.  i haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.  meanwhile, forward!

It's good to have your decision to leave Mexico vindicated by, of all things, an appointment with an eye doctor! The outcome was all positive, too. I'm glad they were so caring and happy to take the trouble. I know that really makes a difference.

Quotei  don't think the brain is a slave to the body; rather, i think they have profound impacts on each other. 

I agree. I certainly have a negative feedback loop going on there, but I've tried working on my mind ie. thinking my way out and it hasn't worked. Just keep falling back into helpless and hopeless. I've known for some time that I'm not helping myself by letting my body go; what I need is the motivation to do better on that score. It's a tough one.

Quoteif what he believes works for him, i'm glad, and if it works for others as well, i'm glad about that, too.   it's personal and individual, to my mind.

Yes, and that's where our own wisdom comes in. I think we all know what works for us and what doesn't. Whether we follow through is another matter. I see you going to extraordinary lengths to get those ducks in a row, and I salute you!

Quotei haven't gone too deeply into the trauma yet, candid, but these next appts. are with the psych. and the doc, so i'm sure i'll begin addressing it there.

You've got a positive roll going on now. March on!

hey, candid, here's a thought.  how about, instead of working on your mind, you work with your mind.  what i mean is, use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy, and it's not necessarily a 'quick fix', but re-wiring is do-able.  it takes commitment and determination, tho.

i know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

today i'm feeling uck - i ate real healthy yesterday, fruits and veggies, and my body is protesting, starting last night.  today i'm just drained of energy.  each time this happens, my gut is sore and i feel, well, crappy.   it always feels like a step back. 

i've had a lot of 're-visiting' the last couple of days - letting neg.  thoughts in about the people i've eliminated from my life.  i don't doubt it's cuz i'm safe and am surrounded by peace here, so i bring in something abusive in order to feel more comfortable.  all this air and light, i'm just not used to it yet.  plus, communicating with my bro about my sister stirred it all up again, i think. 

i'm still not at the point, i guess, where just their names don't continue to pack a neg. emotional punch to me.  i don't doubt, either, that with so much change in such a short time, and i'm just now beginning to feel settled here, my emotions are in a whirl.  i can't really pinpoint them, either, which is frustrating.  not all of them.  still working on that.

but today, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 03, 2017, 10:39:37 PM
use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy...

I do that in small bursts and feel better, then reality hits and I fall down again. I know I need some outside input (ie. therapy) for rewiring but I've put myself in such a helpless position... The self-recrimination for that is a heavy burden.

Quotei know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

Thank you for that. Especially the last part!  :hug:

But this is about you. What is it about eating fruit and veg that messes you up? Would persistence make that go away? 

Interesting that NC people are coming back to haunt you. I've no doubt the recent incident with your sibs is what stirred that up. As you know, I've been through similar. Maybe writing letters-not-to-be-sent would make them go away. Or it could be just a matter of time. I'm okay with people who know me talking about my FOO; it's the newchums who ask impertinent questions who throw me off. I don't want to go into details with them :shudder: and usually change the subject as fast as I can, but it leaves my brain whirring and assuming they now see me as peculiar. [[NOTE TO SELF: Who cares how they see me??]]

Quotetoday, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens.

I reckon it's usually good policy to assume we're getting better, but you do have to trust your gut pains!

yes, i do trust my gut pains, and i'm continuing to work on this whole eating thing.  i've had this problem from eating fruits and veggies for years.  i don't know why.  i also know that after a while of eating 'healthy', i'll start feeling sick-y, like stress flu (i've heard it called that - flu-like symptoms altho it's not the flu or other 'real' illness at all), and then, if i eat pizza, or burger and fries, i feel much better.  guess i'll have to talk to the doc about that.  it must be something i'm lacking, or my brain is lacking.  it's been a puzzle for years.

today i was able to walk to the store, and later i'll take a shower.  that's pretty much the extent of my 'work' for today, physically.  a little nap soon, then some tennis.  watching tennis is both relaxing and exciting for me. 

i think there's progress here, it just gets difficult to see when i get knocked down physically again.  it's just so frustrating.  and painful.  i'm really getting sick of being in pain.  maybe someday . . .

candid, please don't be hard on yourself.  you did what you thought best at the time with the info you had.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.  we all have.  we've had enough recrimination from others for not being perfect to last us a lifetime.    here's hoping it doesn't.   

Oh Sanmagic, I think fresh cherries and strawberries, mango and melon. The good stuff. Is there a favorite fruit you like? I hear you about the fastfood. It's so comforting sometimes, maybe that's why your body loves it so much, what you need is comfort.

Comfort yourself and maybe let us comfort you. Big hugs and soothing the pain in your body.

Lingurine

lingurine, altho i'm not fond of mangos, i surely do love fruits of many kinds.  i used to grow grapes and cold-weather kiwis - they're the size of big grapes don't have the fuzzy skin, but taste just like regular kiwis - and i love most berries.   i think i shall bring a bowl of fruits to the porch to have available.  today it'll be strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries, both wild and regular.  yummy!

you may be absolutely on point about the comfort thing.   i've gotten so twisted around, i forget about comfort.  haven't had too much of that, haven't been able to feel it from all of you, altho i know it's there.  why haven't i been able to just let that in?  cuz i'd start bawlin' my eyes out.  they're tearing up right now.  thank you for that. 

i think that i'm able to take the good stuff, like compliments and such, but when i really dig into it, i believe it's just on the surface.  i only let it caress my face, but it rarely makes its way to my heart, where it needs to go.  haven't had enough of that to be comfortable with it.  wow, you really hit a note with this for me.  who has ever comforted me in my life?

my hub has done a little of it at times.  most of the rest of my life it has been independent me all the time.  my daughter tells me reassuring things, like 'we'll figure this out', which is comforting.  the 'we' is comforting, to know that i don't have to do this myself, she's willing to help, and she has.  i just don't remember anyone simply gathering me in when they've seen me in distress.  ok, i'm crying full bore now.

to be comforted.  i don't really know what that feels like.  this must be my little me crying for this.  she was ridiculed for crying by my dad, not shown kindness or concern.  well, by that time it was already too late.  my feelings were already beyond my reach.  i wouldn't have known what to say.

i don't know what to say now. 

and, candid, i wanted to ignore what you were suggesting, deny it, but finally, today, the emotions presented themselves about the whole brother thing.  more pain, more sadness, more anger.  lots of sad, tears, pounding the bed, and lovely cuss words.  that did feel good.  it's taken nearly a month for me to be able to feel and express these feelings.  this whole thing started when i was still living with my daughter, and she told me that he had talked to my sis about me. 

i was disturbed, but didn't have a handle on the emotions running around.  i could feel a bit of anger, but not very much, and not very much of anything else.  just a disturbance.  dang, i wish i could find a t to help me with this.  it's too big for me to do it by myself.  there's so much yet.  so very much.  time to go kill some zombies.  thanks for the realizations, everyone. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 04, 2017, 10:43:02 PM
i just don't remember anyone simply gathering me in when they've seen me in distress.  ok, i'm crying full bore now.

I'm gathering you in now, san, and we're both crying full bore, knowing how much better we'll feel afterwards with our hearts wide open.

Quotefinally, today, the emotions presented themselves about the whole brother thing.  more pain, more sadness, more anger.  lots of sad, tears, pounding the bed, and lovely cuss words.  that did feel good. 

That's how it works. Damn, I need to do some releasing like that myself!

Quotei wish i could find a t to help me with this.  it's too big for me to do it by myself.  there's so much yet.  so very much.

Next Monday I go back to the MH place for intake to 12 weeks one-on-one support. I gather it's about goal-setting and being coached, which feels dreadfully premature to me. I can only go along and see what happens. And, with my certificate from that training course, I'm expected to be a peer supporter at the same time. But isn't that exactly what we do here?

I'm sure there will be time for me... eventually. :whistling:

Re. the good foods = intestinal distress, I wonder if that's because toxic build-up starts moving around?

I'm sorry san, I'm not even really capable of more than skimming your posts atm but I am sending you  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: And am especially grateful that you took the time to answer my "I'm sick" post. Especially since you probably feel worse than that every single day. Maybe you heard the inner child in it?

Anyway, we should definitely add a big bowl of fruit to the porch. I can even add redcurrants and blackcurrants from the garden. My raspberries are still green unfortunately, and my strawberries minute. At the other end we can have a bowl of chicken noodle soup for people like me. Since we're out on the porch I can be out there too with you all, I'll just lean over the edge to cough.

looooove currants!  thanks for that contribution, blueberry.

letting these things into my heart, opening my heart to the goodness and caring i've received here.   i must be super protective of my heart - it's been so shredded over the years by my daughter and her father.  that statement brings tears to my eyes.  if i look at it, it's in rags, bleeding still.  not enough time for it to heal even yet. 

but, i also know that this concern and caring i've found here will help to heal it.  i'm starving for it, i know that.  i'm scared to let the good stuff in.  ok, that was an emotion i was able to express.  progress.  i don't know why yet.

i found an article that connects alexithymia with fibromyalgia and intestinal troubles.  i'm going to do some highlighting and bring it to my next doc/psych appts.  this helps clear up some of the mystery, reaffirms what i've suspected - that so much of what's going on with me physically is related to the trauma, to my inability to get the energy from all those neg. emotions out of it.

this alexithymia is beginning to play a bigger role than i ever imagined. 

thanks, candid and blueberry, for your ongoing support, your caring, your concern.  i know there are others, too.  i hope to be able to begin bringing it in a little deeper as we continue moving through all this.  poco a poco, as we said in mexico - little by little.   love to everyone.

extra thought - i see the words, see the images of hugs, know what they mean.  i can't feel them yet.  alexithymia is in the way.  i'll keep pushing at it, working to re-wire whatever can be re-wired.   i want to feel all this good stuff from all of you.  it ticks me off that i can't!

Good morning dear Sanmagic, I would love to be able to read everything I have missed. However, I must admit my own exhaustion from my trip and everything that has happened around it. I have read as much as I can and want to send all the hugs and love your way  :hug:

Even if you can't fully feel them yet, I will always send them to help you reach that point. I am proud of all the work you are doing to help your doctors understand what is going on so you can get to feeling better. I truly do hope they can help. Currants are great, and I hope they are useful.

Best of luck to you my friend. Just remember we can go sit on Wife#2's porch whenever you need it. I am here for you best I can be  :hug: :hug:

elphanigh, i thought about you gathering me in before i fell asleep, thought about how few times that's ever happened.  maybe it's cuz i've always been the strong one, wouldn't let the pain or longing or whatever vulnerability was there be seen.   i loved that you said that, did that for me.  it's something i won't forget.

i'm going to the porch right now.  time for a break, time to be with people who care and really do have my best interests at heart.  thanks so much to everyone.

I am glad you could think of that. I am sorry it has happened so few times, but I understand. I too am usually the strong  one, who doesn't let the vulnerability be seen. You have been strong for so very long, I can see it in your words and how you treat me. I will gladly be hear to help you and take you in. You deserve it, and I want to be a part of your healing the best I can from here. Lots of love always  :hug:

I will also come join you on the porch tonight. I think we could both use a peaceful night

candid, i also thought of you this morning, gathering me in, and the tears did come, full bore.  i'm just so sorry we, any of us, have to go thru this crapola.   i once talked to my hub about this concept, asked him if he didn't gather his children in when he saw them in distress.   his eyes were blank about it.  he didn't know, probably because he'd never been gathered in himself.

this morning i was feeling very bad, sick, frustrated, so small and alone, hopeless.  so tired of being sick, wishing it would somehow be done with.  i didn't feel strong at all, spent much of the day in bed.  i'd been awakened by a nightmare at about 3 in the a.m. and was just very messy afterward.  a dream about me dreaming a nightmare.   today it felt like i was living one.

i thought about my little me, comforting her, telling her everything would be all right, that i'd take care of her, but it seemed false.  my adult me is supposed to be saying this to her, but my adult me is the one who is scared, dependent, not knowing what is going to become of me.  i'm the one who is struggling to hang on right now, and she is only along for the ride.

another week till my doc and beh. psych appts.  i can't even imagine how either one is going to go.  stress management.  that seems like an impossibility to me, mainly because the stress keeps blindsiding me.  i've run as far as i can from stressful situations, eliminated the stressful people from my life, and they insert themselves somehow, from others who i thought had eliminated them as well. (my bro). 

i know i can only put one foot in front of the other, just continue getting from day to day.  thank you god that wimbledon is going on and is helping to keep me distracted.  writing here does the same.  just give me the strength to get thru another day. 

Sounds like a time to visualize the sparkly little girl you once were, gather her in, and when she quietens down listen to the wisdom she had then. She didn't come here to be kicked around by anyone; she came here to love and to play.

I'll keep this short because you don't need words right now, you need feelings. Yours and hers.

I wish I could help comfort both you and little you. It sounds like you need a peaceful day away from all the stress. I like Candid see that you need warm feelings and not words. Know that I am sending you a warm comforting hug, to help keep you safe and shield you from the stress, if even for a little while :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 08, 2017, 04:43:55 AM
i thought about my little me, comforting her, telling her everything would be all right, that i'd take care of her, but it seemed false.  my adult me is supposed to be saying this to her, but my adult me is the one who is scared, dependent, not knowing what is going to become of me.  i'm the one who is struggling to hang on right now, and she is only along for the ride.

san, I can so relate. I used to feel like this too. Sometimes even as if some of my little Blueberries, esp. 4 year old and 6 year old were supporting me the Adult. That's not actually a bad thing. Our Inner Children hold strengths we may not be aware of and which we can tap.
I'm sending you  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: to strengthen and calm you and any little ones along for the ride.

you all are the best.  can't say much now cuz i'm feeling what you're offering.  love you all, hugs right back.

Let the tears come, little one. You're safe now.

 :hug:

got an email about my lab tests and the doc's comments.  basically, all the tests are fine, nothing but lose weight, eat different, and exercise.  yeah, that should cure what ails me.

for over 30 yrs., it's been exactly the same.  so why do i feel so crappy?  why do i lose the ability to move my legs normally when i've experienced stress?  why do i feel like i'm getting the flu about 85?% of the time?   i knew it's what was going to happen.  my appt. is fri., along w/ the psych for stress mgt.  how do i manage stress when the smallest yoga stretches are painful?  that just brings on more stress.  how can i take a walk when i need to be within 3 ft. of a bathroom?  more stress.

i know i'm going all over the place with this.  even breathing (forgive me wife2) is frustrating.  mindful breathing, i focus on my breathing, breathe in 3 counts, breathe out 5 counts, breathe in, breathe out, and suddenly i catch myself in the middle of some other thoughts that i don't even know how long i'd been thinking them, don't remember how i forgot to be focused on my breathing.  don't remember when it happened.  suddenly, i'm just in this whole other place and i don't know how i got there.

is this dissociation?  depersonalization?  i'm beginning to think that i've been going thru that most of my life, just not aware of it.  not aware of so much.  dang, my head hurts.  time to kill some zombies.  i feel like i'm on the verge of insanity.  working real hard to hold it together. 

i just wish they'd find out what's wrong with me, so i could have some understanding.  i don't even care anymore if it's not fixable, just so i know.  i can live sanely with that.  ugh.

I know how disappointing it is to have doctors tell you there's nothing wrong while you're feeling like *. Don't know how many times I've gone to an appointment thinking they'll find some whopping great tumour or a particularly virulent blood disease, then being gutted when they say everything's normal.

As you know, your own instincts are your best guide. Do what feels right moment by moment. We're all rooting for you.

Standing with you, San.

I am right here with you San. I am so sorry that they are not coming up with anything that will help you.  :hug:

I wish I could help you with all of this San. Just know that I'm around, I'm listening, I care - actually, I love you as my sister.

I want to wrap you in a blanket of peace somehow. Just one special blanket, that you can use when the world needs to just shut up and go away so you can rest. That includes the world inside that is very unruly and won't listen to shut up when it is the noisiest thing around! The blanket will be on the healing porch for you, it's draped over that rocking chair. I've laid it out so that you can sit and with one movement, draw up both sides and be instantly wrapped in peace. The games are all set up on different tables around the porch (it extends around the side of the house behind the photo.

Because it is our healing porch, that blanket of peace is draped over whatever chair or swing you approach.

It's not a heavy blanket, just heavy enough to shut out the rest of the world for a while.

This peace is a gift I want to give, this soul rest, this mind settlement. If the healing porch helps, I'm grateful. Yes, grateful. HUGE, gentle hugs to you.

crying right now.  i thought of you all on my walk today.  you are right with me, i know, and i'm so glad about that.  you're absolutely the best, and i can't thank you enough.  once again, i have you surrounding me.  man, i've used you a lot in the past few months.  you've never let me down.

that blanket sounds beautiful.  i'm going to watch tennis now, eat and relax with that image.  i also love that you wrote about your healing porch in your signature, wife2.  that is so cool!  it is the best place in the world.

when beginning emdr with a client we ask if they can imagine a safe or calm place that they can go to in their minds if things/emotions get overwhelming.  this porch, this wonderful porch, is my choice.  i can't imagine anything more soothing, playful, comforting and healing than this porch.  thank you so much for that first invitation to sit and have a cold one with you.  you didn't know what you started, and look how it's grown, how it's helped us.  we have become a family on this porch.  i've never experienced anything like it.

now to relax.  i need to stop for a bit.  love to you all, always.  with tons of gratitude.

San, I am so glad you find comfort in all of us being there with you. I will always be here for that.

I am also in emdr and have started using the porch as well. It is easier to use than anything else I have tried. Thank you Wife two and San for inviting me in to that image when I needed it. You are both so amazing :hug:

Each of you mean more to me than anyone outside of my FOC and a few close friends. Each of you have been there for me, as well. This is why I'm grateful.

Grateful to have you all in my life. Grateful to have this forum where we can and do connect. Grateful for our healing porch and the camaraderie we all feel when we 'visit' it. We are sisters and brothers of the soul. Those who have a heart for others help us much, but we who travel this unique journey are able to buoy each other in equally unique ways.

The porch did surprise me, how it's taken off. I think often to the porch that played a big part in my childhood. It's why the avatar image is so ... I don't know... RIGHT! The imagery of a porch, of us sitting in our own spaces, some talking, some reading, some listening to music, each of us able to be alone when needed, but together when needed, ready at a word to support whomever needs supporting. That is powerful. That is healing. That is beautiful. And that it has helped anyone else is the most rewarding part of all.

More huge, gentle hugs for everyone. For my heart-sisters and brothers. Being allowed to reach out to each of you has also been healing to me!

Hi - coming into this post late, as I'm new to the forum but I'm curious if you would like to share how your move went/is going?
Thinking of you.  C

I'm a regular visitor to the porch, too. It's nice that I'm never alone there.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2017, 12:56:41 AM
got an email about my lab tests and the doc's comments.  basically, all the tests are fine, nothing but lose weight, eat different, and exercise.  yeah, that should cure what ails me.

i just wish they'd find out what's wrong with me, so i could have some understanding.  i don't even care anymore if it's not fixable, just so i know.  i can live sanely with that.  ugh.

San, I'm really sorry after all your hopes of better progress physically and better medical care where you are now that the tests are still coming through as if you have normal physical health and the doctors come up with less than useful suggestions like lose weight, exercise more, eat better. Yada, yada. I've heard all those kinds of non-useful suggestions before so I really feel for you and am standing with you and sending  :bighug:  some of those big wrap-around hugs.

I also know the longing for the docs to find what's really wrong. I'm lucky in that with most things, eventually reasons were found - mostly psychosomatic pains and my body reacting in other physical ways to show me I had to slow down or do something different. I also remember asking: I've slowed down my life so much, how else can I slow further?? But there was no answer to that. I've had to find my own answer with time.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2017, 12:56:41 AM
for over 30 yrs., it's been exactly the same.  so why do i feel so crappy?  why do i lose the ability to move my legs normally when i've experienced stress?  why do i feel like i'm getting the flu about 85?% of the time?   i knew it's what was going to happen.  my appt. is fri., along w/ the psych for stress mgt.  how do i manage stress when the smallest yoga stretches are painful?  that just brings on more stress.  how can i take a walk when i need to be within 3 ft. of a bathroom?  more stress.

I hear you and am sending more  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2017, 12:56:41 AM
i know i'm going all over the place with this.  even breathing (forgive me wife2) is frustrating.  mindful breathing, i focus on my breathing, breathe in 3 counts, breathe out 5 counts, breathe in, breathe out, and suddenly i catch myself in the middle of some other thoughts that i don't even know how long i'd been thinking them, don't remember how i forgot to be focused on my breathing.  don't remember when it happened.  suddenly, i'm just in this whole other place and i don't know how i got there.

I do this a lot too when supposedly concentrating on my breathing. Sometimes when sitting here writing on the forum I remind myself to breathe, and even write that (!I but it's just for a few seconds, but otherwise I tend to re-ground my doing something physical like stamping my feet on the ground or patting my upper chest or stroking my arms with a bit of pressure. This is all what my T has been working with me on for months now so I can work on stuff in therapy and outside therapy on my own and not dissociate. It's got a lot better. Breathing is good for a lot of people with CPTSD, but not so much for me. Maybe it isn't the right method for you either, or at least not all the time?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2017, 12:56:41 AM
is this dissociation?  depersonalization?  i'm beginning to think that i've been going thru that most of my life, just not aware of it.  ...  time to kill some zombies.  i feel like i'm on the verge of insanity.  working real hard to hold it together. 

Time to come to the porch where there is a blanket called Just Be For A While. We're all there accepting you as you are and by our very physical presence keeping you back from the verge of insanity, and ourselves too. There is strength and resilience in numbers.  :hug:

candid and blueberry, a huge thank you for all your support.  yes, the porch.  i've now begun gardens there, and i've thought of them on my walk, and they brought a sense of peace to me.  so glad you reminded me.  i need to keep them at the forefront of my mind. 

i'm bringing info on alexithymia to my appts. on fri.  lots of stuff about how alexithymia is linked to physical problems like fibromyalgia and intestinal problems.  if one can't identify the feelings, it's all just a tangle of disturbance, and stays in the body.  one passage also says something about how it often causes a myriad of physical complaints and disorders without anything biochemical showing up as out of whack.  that's it exactly!

the lab tests show nothing untoward with how my systems are operating, yet something is not functioning correctly.  i thought of my restless legs syndrome, diagnosed thru a sleep testing 20-some years ago, and given meds to calm them.  well, as i was researching rls, it said that it's caused by a brain malfunction sending out incorrect messages to the legs.  there is a reason for all this.  it's just that no one has looked in the right place - my head!

this is my last fight for validation, for getting a doc to look and see where the true source of these physical manifestations come from.   it's not because i'm overweight, or i don't manage stress well, or don't get enough exercise.  it's (i'm convinced) because my brain has been damaged by unrelenting trauma over the course of my life.

i don't know if there's anything that can fix that - for various reasons (none of them being epilepsy) i've had 4 different epilepsy meds., something that was supposed to calm my brain.  none of them worked, but made things worse.  just to know what's behind all this, even if there's nothing to do about it - i can live peacefully with that.  it's the not knowing that's the bummer.

cherryblossom, the move has not been without it's own ups and downs.  the motivating force was a bloomer my husband pulled that put my finances in jeopardy - he went behind my back to work a hair-brained scheme that backfired appallingly - but it was what i needed to get out of there. 

getting out of mexico, finding rides (ex-hub #1 came to my rescue in a big way - a better ex than a hub) to get to where my daughter lives, having to live with her and her 2 roomies (brothers) for 2 weeks which i know interrupted their whole lifestyle, routine, etc., looking for an affordable place to live (couldn't afford an apt., so i'm living in another woman's house along with 3 other people), having to leave my car/independence behind and there is no public transportation w/in walking distance.

then, setting up the doc appts., dealing with soc. sec., all that crapola - it has been 2 months of non-stop stress, and my body showed it.  got bronchitis, could barely walk (my legs don't function properly when i get very stressed), and 6 straight weeks of the runs.  it's been difficult at best.  plus, my daughter's been out of commission, and i rely on her for rides to where i need to go.

however, things are settling down, this house is like a bed and breakfast, reasonable rent with all the amenities, quiet, no one is bothersome, peaceful, and a grocery store is within walking distance - i'm finally able to walk to it, so that's a big plus, and something i don't have to worry my daughter about.  this is actually exactly the place and space i needed.  it must have known and was waiting for me.  the owner said the same thing.

my hub and i are still together in spirit, but many, many worries are gone.  we're still in love, and the distance has stopped the incessant bickering that we'd fallen into.  he's been very supportive and loving, which has been a blessing.  all in all, i don't regret the move for a minute.  i don't even miss mexico, altho it was where my heart led me when i couldn't take what was going on anymore nearly 16 yrs. ago.  my heart is now with me, wherever i am. 

this is where i need to be.  a lot of people helped me get here, and to them i am forever grateful.  if i have a chance of healing, it's here, or at least where my daughter is, no matter where that might be.  right now, tho, all of that is very good.  thanks for your thoughts, cherryblossom.

so, off to the porch to check on the gardens, put a flower in my hair, sit in my rocker with that lovely blanket wrapped around me.  perfect.  couldn't be better. 

i just had to write this down.  last nite as i was watching agt, a 13-yr. old girl sand 'i'll stand by you'.  suddenly, i actually felt the love and care of the people in my life - my hub and daughter, but also all of you.  i felt loved, i felt cared about, i felt the feeling of not being alone, not having to do this all on my own, that you all are with me.  it felt like a miracle.

i am convinced this happened because in the past year i have been bombarded with all this kindness, all this caring, a lava flow of love and affection that has not stopped no matter how messy i've gotten, how imperfect, how flawed.  you all have kept it coming at me, you've never wavered, you showed me unconditional acceptance.  even my living space has provided this.

to feel this for the first time (except perhaps when i was very young and being rocked to sleep by my dad on a few occasions) brought a sense of peace to me that i've never felt before.  suddenly, all my worries about the doc and the psych. melted away.  it didn't matter what they say,  i already know.

i know what my body does, i know what it needs, i know it's reactions and history.  they don't know jack, except what some lab tests tell them.  i'm still arming myself with info when i go fri., but i'm not anxious about it anymore.   everything became clear instead of muddy.

i imagined myself on the healing porch with everyone, and i could feel being there, having everyone there, enjoying everyone and myself, puttering in the garden.  i felt lighter, somehow, and began giggling at the dumb jokes.  i felt it all. 

i hope this isn't a one trick pony.  it's still there today.  thanks to all of you for being you.  thanks to my daughter who has always been kind to me, even when no one else was.  thanks to my hub for loving me still.  thanks to all my friends and family for their help in getting me here.  i feel it all. 

someone posted about how healing comes about, what people have done to bring it home.  i responded that much of my healing has to do with being part of this forum.  last night was living proof.  i am smiling, twirling, my diaphanous  skirt floating around my legs, no shoes, flowers in my hair, eyes sparkling.  i am a flower child once again.  i feel happy.  this is so strange!

 :bighug:

I'll dance with you! I'm two souls in one - the practical mathematician and the gypsy free spirit. Today, gypsy wants to be in the lead. Dancing a mix of modern dance, ballet and some movements that just feel right. Watching our skirts flow, floating as we spin.

You are an Earth Mother soul, San. Embrace that. Earth is as capable of weathering and surviving hurricanes as she is capable of birthing new islands and allowing the gravity of the moon to gently tug her oceans and lakes to form the waves we find so peaceful.  :hug:

San how absolutely beautiful!!!

It is so important to read about the breakthroughs, it is so uplifting and encouraging...thankyou for sharing!
I'm v new here as you know, but this forum has already astonished me, and made a HUGE difference.

May this feeling for you.. last and last ..... for EVER!!!   :cheer: :hug:

thanks, clarity.  i don't doubt you'll get to a lovely place in your feelings one day as well.  this place is amazing.

today's the doc and the beh. psych.  i feel much stronger today than i thought i would.   i will request a referral to a neurologist, i'll have all my info to pass on to both of them about trauma/alexithymia and the damaging of the brain, and i will get this done. 

i'll report back how it goes.  you all have given me the gift of life as i've never known it before.  time to get ready.

Good luck today! I am here rooting for you through those appointments  :cheer: It has been so glad to read about you feeling a bit stronger. I hope it goes well

Thinking of you today! I hope all goes well or at least well enough that you are not upset.

i'm exhausted, so this will be short.  both appts. went well.  the psych., after telling her a bit about what's been going on said, 'i think this is way beyond stress mgt.'  i said 'thank you,' and she gave me a list of possible people to see for a neurology testing, and trauma therapy.  the doc said that losing my legs like i do is something odd enough to warrant an mri, and she's putting it thru  medicare to see if they'll cover it.  so, the wheels are turning, and it feels like 'finally'. 

thank you all.  i know you're with me.  i told my daughter about the porch today, she thought it was an absolutely wonderful concept and image.  then she said that moving here was her porch.  just wanted to let you know that the porch is making the rounds, each to their needs.  my hub also loves the idea, and he's got one just for him and me.  wife2, who'd a thunk it!!!  it's a brilliant metaphor to calm and soothe and feel close to even more people than here.  lovin' it. 

San, I am so glad to hear the wheels are finally spinning. It sounds like you got some much needed validation and understanding from those appointments. I am so proud of you for standing up for what you need, and making sure to communicate everything with them.  :cheer:

Get some much deserved rest, my friend

 :yeahthat: What Elphanigh wrote

:bighug: to you san!

thanks to you both, elphanigh and blueberry.  i'm very tired today, so have been pretty low key.

i was responding on another thread about core beliefs about ourselves, when i discovered one that had been lurking inside me.  i cry at kindnesses toward me because i don't believe i am worth the time or energy of them from someone.  i am rather stunned right now at this.  i thought those tears were for another reason, and maybe they're for that as well, but this has me floored for the nonce.

will be leaving here to ponder this, maybe to be able to turn it around eventually so that i can feel the goodness of someone being kind to me instead of the sadness of not having much of it in my life.  big sigh.  whack a mole.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 16, 2017, 02:52:36 AM
i cry at kindnesses toward me because i don't believe i am worth the time or energy of them from someone. 

My mind rejects perceptions of kindness from others, always looks for another reason someone did something good for me while immediately asking myself what I can do in return so as not to incur a 'debt'. I also have a way of inverting compliments. If someone tells me I look good, I think I must look more than usually windblown and as if I need boosting.  :doh:

these mind tricks of ours, candid.  dang!

pondering this belief i had been holding beneath my exterior of i'm just fine, i'm more than fine, (and in the past, that i was perfect.  i did believe that because i had to), and i know i've explored some of this before, but i think this went to a deeper level. 

my defense mechanism has been to not show any of the 'baser' emotions, but always be patient, observant, and understanding, always make excuses for the foibles of others while not allowing myself to fall into the same cracks.   of course, my alexithymia helped me do this.  i wasn't afraid to tackle anything, even my own stuff, and i couldn't understand that fear in others, had no compassion for them, and expected compliments and kindnesses because i was always giving them out, was always doing the 'right' thing, so i was due them.

but i could never take them into my heart.  i expected them from others because my expectations for myself were so high.  i expected them, superficially acknowledged them, but never gave them a second thought because i was always looking for the next one.  i was a bottomless pit of wanting. 

so i never got enough, never recognized any of it because it was always overshadowed by what else i was getting from the people closest to me, which was the opposite of kindness.  i took it all in stride, never got mad, just began getting confused.  and eventually, sick.

i thought it was my job to put up with what people were dishing out to me.  my job.  that's what made me believe i had a lot of self-worth.  i did my job and i did it well.  i was great in my own eyes, didn't feel all these things i read about here that others struggle with.  i had flipped the tortilla, had a very strong persona to the point that people were (and sometimes still are) intimidated by me.  i was always the 5-star general leading the troops, giving commands, unaware of others' feelings or misgivings.  i was always sure of myself.

so, as the real me begins peeking her head out from under this take-no-prisoners tortilla, i'm finding truths about me that have been hidden for so long.  i admitted to my daughter that i'm not going to renew my dr. lic. next year cuz i'm scared to drive here.  she gave me an out - well, mom, that's understandable.  you've been driving in a small town for 15 yrs.  no freeways or any type of traffic, per se.

that was nice, but the truth is that i don't trust myself to be able to be safe on the road.  my neck is so stiff that i don't think i can turn it quickly enough to see what's coming.  i've driven umpteen thousand miles on my own, always loving being on the road, and now i'm scared to drive.  that's a tough one for me.

i'm not who i was, and it's not just cuz of age.  it's becoming a better version of me, but that in itself is frightening.  those core beliefs that i'm above and better than everybody else are crumbling.  i'm only another human being after all, average. 

average was never allowed me while i was growing up.  i had the intelligence, so i was expected to be better at grades than everyone else,  i pretty much was.  13th out of over 3000 kids in my class.  i had a superiority complex ingrained in me, and i lived it really well.

as i continue learning about myself, i'm pretty good at some things, but i'm not all that.  even as i write that, i don't want to fully believe it.  that's how insidious this training is that we've experienced.   brainwashed, and hung out to dry.  so what if parts are stunted because of it - we're still expected to act and think and make decisions as if everything had always been in place.

then we get down on ourselves for not being perfect, for not knowing all the answers, for having made mistakes, for surviving.  that brought some unshed tears behind my eyes.  so much pain might have been avoided had i not survived, not only to myself, but for my daughters and others.  this sucks.  i don't want to be real.  it's too hard.

have had a long, difficult week, very emotional and overwhelming on one hand, and now i have some issues that must be discussed with my daughter.  more later, but it involves being shushed (she's not the only one who's done that) and something about her perception of me being a horrible person to others when i get upset or angry over something they do.  i've got to take a nap now, but later i'll write more.  i need some opinions on these.  gotta sleep now, tho.  just had to put this down, get it started.  more later.

Get some much needed sleep dear friend. *hugs*

 :bighug: to you san!

thanks, e and b.  i feel better, still a bit dragged out, but should be ok tomorrow.

anyway, sitting in waiting rooms, and i'm speaking quietly (so i think), editorializing on the people i'm seeing around me, both pos. and neg.  or talking about some controversial subject to whoever i'm sitting with, and suddenly they're shushing me.  no one near us has turned a head or given me a dirty look or said anything because they've heard me, yet i'm being shushed.  my daughter is the latest to do that, my hub has done that many, many times.

i don't mean to be mean or nasty, but i'll say something about a trendy thing i don't like or that i like or don't like someone's hair or clothes cuz of a personal preference - it's the same stuff i'd be saying in my head if i were sitting alone.  when i'm with someone else, i'm just sharing, thinking i'm going to get agreement or discussion or the other's preference or something conversational.  instead, i'm getting shushed.

i don't know if this is because they're embarrassed by me (altho i don't know what they have to be embarrassed about.  they're not doing anything), or if they're afraid that someone will say something and bring some kind of neg. attention in our direction (which i would immediately apologize for - i really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings). or if they're afraid they're going to be 'tainted' somehow because they're sitting next to this big-mouthed old lady.

i know i'll have to talk to my daughter about it, find out what's going on with it.  the other thing she's done is admonished me for calling a person some kind of silly name or said something like i'm talking to someone who's in the parking lot and we're in the car.  example.  yesterday, end of the long day, and we're backing up in the parking lot to go home.  some guy is walking behind the car, and my d puts on the breaks pretty abruptly.  i yell out 'ow' cuz my back is killing me by now, and she said that this guy decided to be behind the car.

so, i said 'numbnuts' while looking down.  he couldn't possibly have heard me, and it's a silly name (to me) but she immediately said 'no he's not.  he was just there.'  i said 'well, just cuz i called him that, doesn't mean he is one' and she shot back while looking me straight in the face 'if i say you gritch it's because i think you are one.' 

my brain was wobbling by then, and i reiterated that he couldn't hear me, i didn't confront him, that i'm really a nice person, that i was lashing out cuz of the pain.  we pulled up to where i live and that was that.  but this isn't the first time this kind of thing or the shushing has happened, and i'm getting ready to not speak anymore when i'm in public with her.  better that then eggshells, trying to figure out what might be offensive to her or not.

maybe it was cuz it was the end of the day, but this has happened other times when it wasn't that kind of situation.  in a doc's office in mexico, my hub got very upset because of how i was speaking to the doc, trying to get my point across.  when the appt. was over, he left quickly, while i stayed back, apologized to the doc.  he didn't hear that part, and was surprised when i told him i'd done that.

i know i'm not the sweet, shiny, smiley type, never have been.  i like to play with words, can have a dark sense of humor, and like to play and have fun with people.  however, i'm not afraid to confront someone.  i'm trying to figure out where this may have come from with my d.  it may be from her dad and our family dynamic.

i was consistently set up to be the bad guy in our family, while he took a pass at making decisions or doing anything that looked like it might come from him.  he was scared of me, i know that, tho i never raised my voice to him, never got angry, was always patient and understanding, talked things out with him, was reasonable in our discussions.

in the meantime, if i confronted him on something, always in the ways i mentioned, and he made a change, our daughters saw it as me 'making' him do it.  this was never the case.  they would complain to me about him, and when i asked if they wanted me to say something to him, they'd plead with me not to.

i am strong, have a strong personality, am loud, laugh out loud, love to joke and jest, and am generous (sometimes to a fault, certainly to her and her roomies) but somehow this has gotten twisted into a thing where she has to watch me carefully in order to protect others from me.  i don't understand why she hasn't gotten to know me, the real me, by now.  i don't understand these blinders she's wearing, unless they're left over from being with her father and how he handled things in our house.

so, i ask anyone who cares to jump in, what am i doing that's so wrong?  if i'm wrong, i'll stop, apologize to her, change my ways somehow.  i remember an incident with a friend who i went to visit.  i got off the bus, got a big grin on my face (i'd just rode 48 hrs.), and dropped the f-bomb about how glad i was to see her.  i didn't realize it, but there were some amish people sitting in the area.  oooops!!!

my girlfriend pointed them out to me, and we both started laughing.  i mean, i wasn't saying it to them or about them, and probably made them stronger in their convictions that we who are outside their community are well worth the effort to stay away from.  but i don't think i harmed anyone, and there were no children present, and we've told that story over and over.

am i way off base here?  i know i don't always go by standard conventions, and i don't much care what people i don't know say about me if i'm wearing something funky or weird or unconventional (i just figure if they've got nothing else going in their lives, i've given them something to talk about), but i never intend to hurt anyone with what i say, and i will keep my voice way down if i'm saying something that might be offensive. 

but, a lot of this stuff doesn't seem so serious to me, seems like something we could laugh about.  maybe i'm all wrong and i don't know it.  that's why, if anyone wants to weigh in here, feel free.  my d also knows i don't care much about what i think is petty stuff.  is that a bad attitude to have?  i'm lost here right now, but it felt good to get it out.  i'm a little scared, tho, about what anyone might say.  dang, if i'm all wrong, ugh!  another big change to make, or just keep quiet.  so be it.  thanks.

I do the same thing, usually but not always out of earshot. I don't know which is more strident, the inner critic or the outer, because the inner critic's stuff is mostly subliminal whereas the outer critic just opens her mouth and out it comes. I suspect they say similar things, and that I criticise in others the things I know I have in myself.

I believe the outer critic will disappear if I make the inner critic conscious and start challenging what it says about me.

You're under a lot of stress, san. Take good care of yourself.  :hug:

San  :hug:

I'd like to raise a glass to toast your glorious potty mouth !!!  Seriously... I say that with absolute sincerity and even passion. NO!! to censorship, NO!! to you not expressing yourself, and NO!!   to allowing others to throw down their eggshells in your path.  Stomp on those eggshells until they are fine sand you can walk barefoot on and be free.

You are YOU!! Unique and one day irrepressible...my vision for you and for us all is a new ability to know the freedom that is our birthright as human beings. There is no shortage of space for us, save in our own fearful perceptions...there we feel so cramped, so restricted. We are slaves in chains if we allow this to continue..

I sound over the top! But my convictions about this are so strong! 

Raising my glass again for every numbnuts comment you have ever made.... it makes me laugh, glorious, belly laughs... I relish your humour and your understandings of how ridiculous it all is....how stupidly seriously they all take it when all we ask for and hope for is our freedom of expression!!!! 

Go San....  never EVER apologise for being you....  :cheer: :hug: :cheer:

PS.  Internalise all this and then be wise and smart...and if you choose to stay quiet as I sometimes do now, know it is your choice, you have the power and shout the words outloud inside!! That can be such fun....  ;)

Please excuse my overbearing post San.... I need to look at the way I put things across sometimes... too preachy but I hope you got the gist of it under there!   :doh: 

I enjoyed it, myself.

Go San clarity....  never EVER apologise for being you....  :cheer: :hug: :cheer:

Haha Candid thanks I fell for that one didnt I ?!!!  ;D

San, this post helped me in a way. I'm like your daughter, my husband is like you. He has a free mouth and very vocal opinions. I feel deep shame and fear that someone will hear the negative stuff and judge me and him (notice I put myself first?) if they hear it.

Sometimes, what he says is pretty provocative - and that's very deliberate. He's just making observations based on his life experience. He's not wrong (I often agree but would NEVER DREAM of saying it out loud). As in the case of your name for the parking lot walker. Though he can be offensive and it would be if the other person heard him.

My issues with that are: He's teaching our son to speak his mind without filter - in our area and the school he attends, that is not a safe thing for a smart-to-nerdy fellow to do. He's also teaching our son to be very judgmental of others. Our son doesn't understand that hubby isn't intending to be insulting or judgmental, just provocative. Also, hubby is louder than he realizes - his hearing is slowly going bad.

When he insults the panhandler on the street and our windows are open, I'm mortified. Even if I agree with hubby, I get embarrassed and sometimes angry with him for saying it so loud! Especially in front of our son.

Over time, hubby and I have tried to work that out. He tries to not call me too sensitive (something I hate) and I try to stay calm. One of the things that helps is when he laughs and says, 'That was wrong, wasn't it?'. I'll answer, 'Yes, but it's still true!'. If I disagree with his assessment, I'll answer, 'Yes. That was wrong, even cruel. But, funny'.

This has helped me calm down, not get so angry and to realize that hubby is who hubby is. I haven't had his life experience, I can't judge his judgments. I do wish he'd be quieter when expressing them in public. He realizes that I'm hurt when I think he's embarrassing me and more hurt if he calls me sensitive for feeling hurt. He tries to be quieter or wait until we get where he knows they won't hear him to express that 'zinger'. It's working for both of us. And I no longer 'shush' him just for having opinions.

As one loudmouth to another.... :rofl:

I'm all for self expression and frequently indulge myself, much to the chagrin of my family and friends. But I think we do need to be mindful of not engaging in behavior that we know to be triggering to those we love.

I liken it to not wearing a certain perfume that I know a friend is allergic to, or behaving in a respectful way to people from other cultures. (Never eat with your left hand in India.)

If I'm out with a friend or family member who reportedly behaves in ways I find disturbing, and I've repeatedly talked to them about it, chances are I will curtail my activities with them. This too is out of respect for them and their freedom of self-expression, but I need not expose myself to uncomfortable situations just because I recognize their autonomy.

i thank you all very much.  i get it, all of it.  no, i won't censor myself, but, yes, i will be mindful so that i don't make my d uncomfortable.  i'll still have to talk with her, tho.  the numnuts and gritch comments are actually two different things.  i wasn't saying that to his face, but definitely out of earshot.  whereas, she was saying it to my face, and i see that as completely different.

candid, thanks for the reminder about the stress.  that may have been underlying everything that day, because it was stressful for her, too.  lots of things got changed even as we were driving, and she doesn't do well with that.  i need to keep that in mind.  she has anxiety and feeling out-of-control problems, so even missing an exit can be disturbing for her.  i have to admit, i didn't quite understand your point about the inner and outer critics, but i've never understood that well.  i never had much of an inner critic, and never really got to know what an outer critic means.  i guess i'll have to look that up.

clarity, your post (before you apologized for being you - lol!) filled me up in a good way, so thank you very much for that.  no, i won't lose my potty mouth - it's too much a part of me now.  besides, i love it!

wife2, i get it about the whole kid thing.  i agree with you on that.  i didn't swear or call names when my girls were little, and i don't do that if kids are around to hear me.  my d is 36, so she's full-grown and has been making her own decisions on how to be for a long time now.  she's just a lot more conservative in some ways than i am.   but, i don't want to hurt her.  i just wish she wasn't so serious about this stuff.  i guess that comes under the heading of 'trying to change her' and i need to stop that.  thanks.

3 roses, yep, i hear ya loud and clear.  you're absolutely right about the respect thing.  and i don't want her to stop wanting to be around me cuz i make her uncomfortable too often. 

a grateful thank you to everyone.  you all made sense, and gave me opinions that i can live with.  beautiful!  you're all beautiful, inside and out.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 21, 2017, 04:03:22 PM
i didn't quite understand your point about the inner and outer critics, but i've never understood that well.  i never had much of an inner critic, and never really got to know what an outer critic means.

The inner critic is the one who keeps up a steady background burble of what your parents or significant others said about you. You may not have one. Mine is relentless. You're a piece of shlt. What right have you got to breathe air? Get out of my sight. No wonder no one likes you etc. I don't hear mine as a voice; it would be much easier if I did. I 'just' act on it. Ugh.

The outer critic sees fault in everyone and everything. Nothing's so good that it can't be torn down for one perceived fault. It attacks others virtually all the time. It embodies all the hurt and rage we feel.

The two go hand-in-hand, obviously. It's hard to think well of others when we don't think well of ourselves. It's hard to think well of ourselves when we know we don't think well of others.

Some pertinent sayings:
We treat ourselves as we believe we deserve to be treated.
We treat others as we treat ourselves.
The world will treat us as we treat ourselves.

That's how I see it, anyway.

I know this is off topic Candid.. but my IC and OC act differently as far as one going along with the other so strongly. I have a super bad inner critic, all of the time. It is so consistent and strong.. However, my outer critic isn't strong. I will believe the best of a person until it is proven too many times over that they aren't good. My outer critic almost doesn't exist, and my inner critic runs rampant.

San, I am glad to hear that you are working with your daughter to help this not be an issue. Everyone's words are wonderful and I will second them all. I don't have words for much more at this moment, but I am glad you are going to help keep your daughter in  your life. Outside of this she has sounded great for you :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on July 21, 2017, 04:34:22 PM
However, my outer critic isn't strong. I will believe the best of a person until it is proven too many times over that they aren't good.

Actually I think that's true of me, too. It's not like I actually say anything to the people I'm judging. In fact. I think I've been giving someone (see my Need a job... thread) the benefit of the doubt for too long. So I have all these judgments about what other people are doing and I'm more likely to give them a wide berth than come out and criticise openly.

Quotemy inner critic runs rampant.

I'm starting to challenge it, but there's a lot of negativity to be overcome and right now I'm greatly hampered by my environment. Outer critic with a gag on, there.

I do a lot of visualisation stuff, picturing them in front of me and telling them exactly how I feel ..all privately but it feels so good...and relieves a lot of the inner pressure. 

thanks for the explanations and examples.  no, my inner critic was silenced a long time ago.  since i was 'perfect', there was no reason to criticize myself, and any faults i may have had i excused away, telling myself that perfection is boring so flaws give character, therefore i was perfectly flawed.  (these flaws usually took the form of having a run in my nylon, or a spot on my blouse.  nothing personal)  o, i had a rich inner world where i was queen!!!

plus, i didn't have my feelings to tell me any different, which is why most of my life i simply floated.  i wasn't really judgmental, always able to see both sides of an argument, always understanding how someone could be the way they were (rotten childhood was the standard way i excused a lot), and having no opinions of my own.  since i had no opinions, judgment didn't really come into the picture.

without a sense of myself, i didn't project anything onto others.  without knowing or noticing my own faults or flaws, i didn't project those onto others, either.  i was self-contained, and rarely even noticed others.  they were unimportant in my life, so i didn't care what they thought, couldn't empathize with how they might feel about anything. 

as i'm becoming more aware, it's a struggle to remember that others have feelings, have a different way to look at the world, or have different perceptions than i do about what i do or say.  where something is very important to another person, i pay it no attention most of the time.   i haven't had much practice in doing so.  self-absorbed to the max, and it was basically all in my favor.  it's how i survived. 

that's why i had to ask about this thing with my daughter.  i don't have the system that is aware of what i'm doing and what kind of impact it may have on others.   seeing it thru all your eyes helps me to know how i should be seeing it.  i don't have that capacity for myself.  i've always had to make myself right.  it's how i maintained my perfect image of myself.

that's why, too, the idea of an inner and outer critic had escaped me.  couldn't relate.  i've had small breakthroughs here, but they were easily diminished.  so, i appreciate the help in learning how to be a real girl instead of a puppet.   i may never be able to get it all on my own, but i learn from you, and i so appreciate your honesty and forthrightness.  this is very difficult for me.   thanks for your help.

I am really glad that hearing these examples have helped. I am sure you are not the only one that survived that way. It worked for you, and you do really deserve the right inner life you have. It is good your inner critic doesn't run rampant. I am glad of that for you. It is also so huge that you can ask about stuff with your daughter and recognize you need some outside perspective. That is wise and so much progress from how it is you say you survived then.  :hug:

thanks for that, elphanigh.  never thought of it, but i guess it is.  i'm talking about that getting others' perspective is different from how i used to do it.  that's true.  is it wise?  it just felt to me like i was stumbling and needed some clarity.  i know i have some wisdom just from living this long and having a lot of different experiences, but i don't think of myself as wise.  that sounds organized, which i'm not.

anyway, thank you again.  it's still hard to be human and get knocked off that pedestal of being 'right'. 

i did think of an outer critic voice, and it comes from my nc daughter.  she was very vocal about putting me down - lazy, too old to go back to school (she was 14 when she told me that), selfish - lots and lots of stuff that i had to either ignore or fight thru.  lazy was the big one for me.  i worked for years to prove to her i wasn't lazy, including taking her with me on a day of cleaning houses and teaching groups.  it didn't matter.

then again, with narcs, it never does. 

feeling better today.  i was trying to change her, and letting go of that feels good, right.  i feel like i will be a kinder, gentler mom, not trying so hard to make her see me.  i don't know exactly where i get these ideas from, but i do know that when i let them go, it finally feels not only like it's the right thing to do, but that i can ease off from pushing myself so hard.  so much work.

so, i'm gonna look at watching some tv today, see if i can find one of my favorite series and just marathon it.  it'll be like being on the porch with my comforting friends. 

Hi SanMagic,
I am imagining you enjoying your TV on the Healing Porch, and I hope it's going well.   :)
Hope  :)

hey, hope, yesterday was restful and just what i needed.  thanks.

today i woke up feeling very good.  took a walk, ate, did my thing here.  i had a bout of feeling quite lost and alone the other day.   this is still a new country for me (literally) in so many ways.  it hasn't been 3 months since i got here yet.  i have to keep that in mind.

today will be a day of chores - shower, laundry, change the sheets.  that will be later, tho, after my nap.  will get some tennis on the tv.  for some reason, i've always been able to get a lot done during commercials.  and tennis is relaxing (unless my boy is playing a really intense match, then, not so much.  i can get really wound up in this stuff) for the most part.

so, i'm off to take my vitamins and such, take a nap, and get geared up for the rest of the day.  i think it will be all good today. 

San, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better and are seeing clearer what was going on between you and your daughter.  :hug:

thanks, blueberry.  so am i.  i've talked to her several times since then, but not about it.  i think i'll just start showing her a kinder, gentler mom, and let my actions and words speak for themselves.  if she brings it up i'll address it in more detail.  for now, it just feels better to have that clarity.  you all have helped with that.  love it, love you.

I have heard it said that smart can learn, intelligent can understand why to learn, but wisdom learns and applies what is learned.

From what I see in all of your posts, San, you are indeed wise.  :hug: For being wise and not even being aware of it. That is not false humility, that's the real thing, my friend. When we are humble, we are teachable. When we are teachable, we grow. When we grow, we become even better versions of ourselves. I have been enjoying watching you grow and become an even better San.

Every day, you make me more glad that I can call you friend. You make me even more proud of you, of your tenacity and willingness to do the hard thing, because it's the right thing. You may not have thought of yourself as a teacher, but you are. I have been a happy student at your feet, absorbing all that you are sharing with us. Thank you, friend, thank you.  :hug:

wife2, you really touched me.  thank you from my heart. 

guess i overdid it yesterday cuz i was feeling so good, so i'm slow today, tired.  still difficult to find a balance for myself.  i want to do all these things, forget i'm sick, but days like today remind me that it's something i have to keep in mind at all times.  one of these days this lesson shall be learned. 

it's that nagging - what do i look like to others? - thing.  do i look lazy?  do i seem like i should be doing more cuz i walk and talk with no discernible disability?  part of it is, too, that the woman i live with is working, cleaning, clearing, tidying, dusting, the others' rooms as well as holding down a job and cleaning, etc., the rest of the house.  it feels like pressure to me to keep up to her standards.

when people in the house don't, she goes in and does it for them.  i don't want that being done with my stuff.  still, i'm not a perfectionist like she is.  my d suggested that i just accept that's her thing, and allow it so that i don't stress myself out over it.  i'm working on it, but . . . then i push myself to do more than i know i should do in one day.  the next day, like today, i crash and do very little.

this is not her fault.  it's from her background, her expectations.  she isn't rude to me, or judgmental, i don't think.  i think i put the pressure on myself cuz i don't want to be admonished for anything.   i know i have to live my life the way that's best for me, and let the chips fall where they may.  we've even gotten to be quite friendly, and she's told me she has nothing to complain about re: me.

it's a nagging worry that if i don't live up to expectations, i will somehow be rejected, lose a place to live, and i sure don't want to do that.  yet, one of the other people is being complained about pretty constantly, and she's been here nearly 5 yrs.

i've just got to settle myself with this.  got to take care of myself first.  know that nothing bad's going to happen.  maybe it's all part of this moving process.  it hasn't been 3 months since i was living in mexico.   take my time.  breathe, thank you wife2, just be who i am, what i need to do for myself.  big sigh.  i guess that hit home. 

 :bighug: San. You've achieved so much and been through so much in the past 3 months. So many changes in every aspect of your life. So many adjustments to make. At least that's what I find - changes in life require emotional adjustments, which I think are the synapses in our brains making new connections (but I could be wrong on that). When that's going on, then I am tired and slow and have difficulty getting moving at all.

Is there any way you could approach the woman you live with about not touching your stuff in order to clean and tidy? I could maybe accept somebody doing that to my things if they were in common areas (kitchen, bathroom) but in my own room I'd have a problem with it. Unless of course you can get used to "that being done with (your) stuff". Maybe if you had some time limit, e.g. if you don't clean for 4 weeks, she'll start cleaning your stuff to prevent any problems like mould or insects, rodents etc moving in  ;) That could be a worry for her.

Absolutely, take care of yourself first! It doesn't sound as if anything bad will happen, if the woman doesn't have any complaints about you.

::: Trotting over to the healing porch, be back in a jiffy:::

There, the 'acceptance of self as-is' blanket. Let me drape it in the sun for a few minutes to warm.

OK... That's long enough - it's HOT over here!

Now, get in your most favorite comfortable relaxing position, whatever that is. I'll get your favorite drink and book. Now, here's that blanket.

It's not lazy if you're doing what you are capable of, even if you're not meeting the capricious standards of others. Their expectations are their own.

As to others' perception of us - I've heard it said that others' opinion of us is none of our business. I think that's accurate - that if we want you to know our opinion of you, we'll tell you. Most people operate under that reality. They don't have out-of-control inner critics looking at others and checking the mirror to see if we pass some undefined muster.

Sure, there are standards that many people expect of themselves and others. That's their problem. I know the whole - how can people understand I'm differently abled when I look just fine from the outside?' My brother had it the worst I have seen. It wasn't until the disease ravaged him, leaving his 6'1" frame lighter than my 5'5" frame that people understood just how sick he'd been for years. By then, the pity was stupid and my brother rejected it.

Even I, who shared a house with him, sometimes forgot that he was battling for his life when he looked so healthy.

So, maybe create a kewl doorknob hanger that says something like, 'Healing in progress, will try for tidy tomorrow.' Or some such witty thing to let the landlady know you respect her wishes, but respect doesn't mean you'll always be able to DO it.

And, before inner critic gets a chance .... no that does NOT make you lazy, less than or 'disabled'. It makes you a survivor, life-liver whose abilities tend more towards organizing the mind than the bed pillows.

Now, for that book, favorite beverage and the 'Acceptance of Self' blanket.

thank you, wife2.  you are a dear and darling friend. 

i've taken to heart all your suggestions.  i love the 'healing in progress' doorknob hanger - that's precious!   i am able to shut my door on days when i just need to be alone, and she's ok with that.  i think that pressure i feel to live up to her standards comes from my mom's spotless house.  you'd never be able to tell that 3 kids lived there.

so, with your words in my heart, i will ease that pressure and do what i can when i can.  i have to admit, for the first time out loud, that i will sometimes feel like a little kid trying to please mom.  since i started walking again, she'll ask me nearly every day if i took a walk that morning.  i can tell it's a question that she may mean as encouragement, but it feels like pressure.  (she's very active, watches her weight, eats 'right', pretty perfect looking.  comments on the junk food that others in the house might eat, or how much weight they need to lose)

she's an admitted perfectionist, and in such matters i'm anything but that.  same age.  i think she's obsessively clean, which i'm not.  the others aren't either, more so than me.  from what she's told me of her upbringing, i understand.  she complains about them, then goes and does it for them.  i have to put a big 'whatever' on that.  she wants her house spotless.

so, i thank you for the blanket, and will wrap it around me lovingly.  take a deep breath, and let her crapola go.   it just kind of unnerves me to have someone so much in my business, almost like keeping track of me and what i'm doing, all the time.   i'm too independent for that to set easily on me.

you're wonderful, wife2, have i told you that lately?  what a kind and giving friend.  i'm blessed to have you in my life.  thank you.

Forgive me, but I had to laugh a bit. You both are the same age. When she strives for spotless, you feel pressure. I think she's 'feeling the pressure' as well. You are both from a generation when women who were in the home were expected to keep it SPOTLESS. Think back to childhood summers - how much time did you spend either outside, in your room or helping Mom clean up? How many times did you tell yourself that you would NEVER treat your children that way? Well, your landlady came to the conclusion that having a spotless house is it's own reward (my suspicion). You (and I) did not.

The laughter comes from recognition of that pressure. I used to feel it, but my depression won. Then, when the depression started to lift, I ran across the statement (author unknown to me), that nobody will remember if my home was spotless, but they will remember how they felt when they visited. To me, that meant, make my home inviting (in a way that plastic on the furniture can't do - Aunt Meanie). Tidy accomplishes inviting. Spotless feels like I have to vacuum after ever step because the carpet would lose it's back/forth paths. No thank you!

Another way to help you laugh - think of the realities of the 'perfect housewife' or 'perfect mother' that showed when the masks slipped:
1) Moms in the 50's felt the pressure of keeping spotless homes and perfect children. Enter Mommy's little helper.
2) It's been 60 years and many still need Mommy's little helper to cope with the pressures.
3) Spanking was legal, they could even let the schools do it for them!
4) Overheard in a grocer store line: 'Junior, with all love and respect, stop that now or face the spanking when we get home'.
5) In the 70's, the wonderful hippie culture gave us the idea that we'd rather than have happy kids than perfect homes. PERMISSION to not be PERFECT!
6) It's now considered 'uptight' to be so concerned about a little dust on the picture frames. Or to put plastic on the furniture.
7) Even Martha Stewart had to have help. She had a production staff for her magazine and tv show. We'd all look perfect with a personal assistant, makeup artist, hair stylist, personal trainer, maid, cook, groundskeeper and lighting specialist!
8) Even Martha Stewart ended up divorced.
9) We still love the idea of Julia Child because she was a real woman - who enjoyed people and food and drink. The flaws showed and we loved her for that.

So, the next time that pressure wells up to think that you aren't doing enough to help around the house, think of Martha Stewart. You are 'paying' to have that done for you. Your rent frees up your landlady to be able to be home, dusting, sweeping and shaking out curtains. Close the door and enjoy your little piece of chaotic comfort.

a smile both on my face and in my heart, wife2.  never a domestic goddess have i been (and martha stewart ended up in jail as well!), and never do i want to be.  i also heard that creative minds enjoy clutter around them.  i'll just say i have a creative mind - lol!!!

i am feeling the enormity of what i've done, i think.  feeling lost, alone, unsure.  i think i've been on auto-pilot up till now, just doing things blindly, by rote.  yesterday i got the first of what will be, i'm sure, a myriad of doc bills.  and so it begins.  no wonder i've been weepy, even watching rerun sitcoms at night. 

and, last night my hub was sposed to call me, but the time came and went and nothing.  i kept emailing him asking where he was, no answer.  so i began to get worried.  he's been really down, no money coming in cuz it's summer and there are no tourists and he's on commission, and has bills and bank loans, and i got scared.  i realized then that i could not bear another loss in my life.  there have already been too many, including nc loss, loss by death (2), loss to grieving/depression of my best friend, and all the losses included in leaving my marriage, mexico, my hub, my car, my independence - holy crapola!  he did eventually email me - his phone was giving him problems.

so, right now i've just got to make it thru one day, then another.   i'm so glad i have here and all of you to hold me up thru all this.  i can't imagine what i'd do without you.  love and hugs all around.

 :bighug:  Calling on the troops, wherever you are! Rally around SanMagic time.....

BIG, WARM, GROUP HUG!!!!  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I'm here, san! albeit somewhat depleted myself. One foot in front of the other, big hugs...  :hug: :hug:

you are all so darling!  i love you all.  thank you so much.

now i'm just waiting for the results.  waiting is one of the hardest parts for me.  ugh.

Hey, let's head over to the porch and play some Parcheesi to pass the time. Otherwise, you'll obsess and decide what the doctors are going to say and how wrong they are anyway, because they NEVER (and this is so very true), NEVER get the WHOLE history and/or list of symptoms.

So, while you wait for results... join me at the porch for some soft breezes and Parcheesi? I still have the box with the instructions, because I'd forgotten so many of the fun, challenging rules (like you can block the path on purpose). Or, you choose. We'll play and keep our minds off these things that won't do us any good to dwell on them anyway.  :hug:

sounds like a great idea, wife2.  i haven't played in forever, but will re-read the rules with you, and we'll have a blast.  there's also room for 2 more if anyone wants to join.  i'm heading over there right now. 

am at my d's, my computer's on the blink.  hope it's fixed by wed.  miss you all. 

You're in our thoughts even when you or we are not posting! :hug: Be kind to yourself today.

I was beginning to be alarmed, san. Relieved to know it's your computer and not you!

I was worried as well. So glad to hear you are okay and just having computer troubles. Know you are always in my thoughts, even when you are away from here  :hug:

it seems that so much has happened since i've been here.  i stuck my toe in a few posts, but feel quite lost at the moment.  so, i think i'll just stick with me for a bit.

had to cancel my t appt. so the computer guy could come fix it.  no virus, just a scam pop-up.  anyway, not important, except that nothing on my computer has been corrupted.  yippee!

more tests from the doc - everything's ok, basically.  so, that got me to thinking.  what is going on?  i mentioned before about depersonalization, and i do believe that losing my legs like i do is part of that.  i scored very high on a depersonalization diagnostic online, and have been thinking about it a lot.

as far as i can tell, i don't dissociate, but i'm not sure.  i will get very 'tuned in' to what i'm doing and not realize anything of the world around me.  when my landlady comes to my door and says my name, i'm so startled that i jump and my heart starts pounding.  it takes a few minutes to settle down.  is that a form of dissociation? 

the depersonalization, however, does really seem to fit the more i look at it.  i have said things to others, than thought to myself - i don't know where that came from.  that wasn't me talking.  those words just came out of my mouth.   i have spoken, depending on the situation, in different voices than my normal voice.  i have been in situations where i had a completely different personality than normal. 

i've 'sensed' situations to be dangerous, but not felt fear, only saw them as problems to be solved - how should i act, what should i say, etc., to get me out safely.   it's always been like an instinctual kind of thing.  that would be the alexithymia.  i've also had voices tell me stuff in my head - not to harm me, but like an outside thought, some thought coming at my mind from outside it.  i could always differentiate it from me, believed it wasn't me.

emotional situations where i lose my legs - many times they encase anger, either at someone or at the situation.  sometimes i simply have to wait, do something neutral, and in a few hours my legs function again.  however, i've been remembering times when i was in that state where i could barely move, and i got angry, and like magic, i was fully functional again, and feeling stronger than before. 

so, i'm thinking this is a sub-category symptom of c-ptsd rather than a brain thing, which is what i've been believing.  that puts a whole new spin on it for me.  does it make sense to anyone else?  could this leg thing be a depersonalization symptom connected to not being in touch with my emotions?

if i go on this premise,  it gives me a new direction to work on.  i'm hoping to get to therapy next week.  i do need help with this.  maybe i'm still all flummoxed from the move, and my d is still incapacitated, so that's been wearing on my mind, and now the doc bills coming in and pressure to get more tests, vaccines, etc., all of which will cost me something.  i'm thinking i mostly want to pay these bills off first before i accrue new ones.  ack!  the pressure.

o, and the eye doc told me he sees no indication of glaucoma, and i should stop taking the eye drops.  gotta go back in 2 mos. to see if the eye pressure stays low on its own.  he did say that the pressure can go up with stress.

so, this all boils down to stress for me.  by the by, when he told me that, i got so p.o.'d that i started swearing in the office.  to think that the eye doc in mex. had me diagnosed with glaucoma for over 4 yrs., i had to make all those friggin' trips on the bus in the heat, worried all the time in the back of my mind that i could be going blind (how's that for added stress?) and watching my h's brother walking around with his white cane cuz he actually did go bling from glaucoma - i couldn't believe what shoddy medical treatment i got down there.  they made me worse.

so, i'm battling to get back on track.  my heart breaks for my d, and i can't help that.  it's a stressor.  this computer thing was horrible.   i missed you all so much, missed being here.  i knew you were still with me, but i need that tangible, even if it's cyber, to be grounded by it.  dang, i'm a freakin' mess.  sometimes writing about it brings the reality to me so that i can't dodge it.  one step in front of the other. 

You were missed.  :hug:

Quoteso, i'm thinking this is a sub-category symptom of c-ptsd rather than a brain thing, which is what i've been believing.  that puts a whole new spin on it for me.  does it make sense to anyone else? 

Most definitely! There are some moments when I feel completely immobilized, unable to speak or move; generally this happens when I'm alone. It seems random. But I'm sure it has its roots in this CPTSD crapola.

This feels very logical to me. That extreme current-day stressors cause the body to freeze so literally that your legs don't work at all. Then, the fact that they freeze causes another layer of stress - enter vortex.

I don't have much more time to support. I just wanted to give you this:  :bighug:, let you know you are loved, that you have a right to be po'd about mediocre or even dangerous bad medicine. And that we're still here, no matter how many days have to go by before you can post next. We are by your side.

just lost my whole reply.  thanks, both of you.  i'm exhausted.  my d won't let me do some emdr just to lower the pain.  very frustrating.  when i'm here, the boys just kind of don't do anything to help.    ugh!  i don't know what i'm gonna do yet, but i need some rest.  no mri results till mon. 

Hi Sanmagic7,

I hope you get some nice rest, and that you take care and just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: to say I care.

Hope  :)

Hi Sanmagic,
You've been such a great support to me in the past, I wanted to read up from the beginning to see what's been happening. Looks like you've been going through a lot of stress with moving back to the US and dealing with complicated FOO issues. I know you are a warrior, a very strong and spiritual lady, and I just want to say I am right behind you. I hope you receive the right help now and begin to get the strength back in your legs, hope your life improves soon.

Sending you healing wishes and warm hugs  :hug:

Quote from: Wife#2 on August 09, 2017, 01:50:28 PM
This feels very logical to me. That extreme current-day stressors cause the body to freeze so literally that your legs don't work at all. Then, the fact that they freeze causes another layer of stress - enter vortex.

I have even witnessed this happen to others. So it does happen. I mean, I believe you!

:bighug: to you san

blueberry, fen, and hope - you brought a smile to my heart.  i'm on a break right now, back at my own place till mon.  i kinda lost it this morning, went on a rant after a shower, cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes,  vacuuming, and picking up all the recyclables, fixing them so they could be bagged.  then my d asked 'do you want to know how to pack those for recycling?' and i said 'no, i want someone else to do that.'

i was so frustrated, i ended up just saying that all the mess/dirt laying around, it was disgusting, and no one was doing anything about it.  ugh!!!  her roomie got mad, we ended up making up, but it just seems to me that these guys, in their 20's, with part-time jobs could step it up.  i came there to help, not to be the maid, after all.

i know they've been helping, but dang, it seems that they work for 5 min., then go play games for a half hour or until someone asks them to do something.  not very proactive with asking if there's anything they can do, anything else that needs to be done.  maybe i'm just old school, but i took care of a marriage, 2 kids, volunteered, made sweaters, then went back to college for 5 yrs. to get my master's, and went to work full time afterwards.  i don't get it.

i'd swear that if either of these kids were to even think of doing all that, their heads would explode.  granted, they're both damaged, but still.  i was, too, and i was 10-15 yrs. older than them.  this stuff with my d is crisis time - she's been to the e.r. twice in a week.  gets off the floor only to go to the john because of the pain.  it's a terrible situation, but it's like they think they're doing so much cuz they bring her food a few times a day.

ok, just a rant, it felt good to get it out.  this is all about healing, and i did get her to accept some emdr stuff around the pain when i come back on mon. to take her to more docs.  we'll see what happens.  her anxiety around anything new prevents her from doing something new too many times, but i still think she's gotta push thru it and learn that life is not logical and linear, and find a way to be ok with that.  in her time, i guess.   it's just me being a pushy broad.  i just want her pain to stop.  it's been 4 mos.  too long, and it's wearing everyone down.  ugh!!!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2017, 03:14:44 AM
i ended up just saying that all the mess/dirt laying around, it was disgusting, and no one was doing anything about it. 

I hear you sister, having lamented my one-year anniversary in this pigsty on August 10. I've talked at length to H about it, you bet I have, but neither of us says anything to MIL. That would be asking for her to yell: "It's my 'ouse!" at the top of her voice, which she does at regular intervals anyway. Even cleaning is impossible: way too much furniture and 'stuff' in every room, every surface covered with more 'stuff'. A lot of 'stuff' appears to be rubbish, but in this 'ouse we don't bin a rotten tomato; we dry it out for seeds. We don't just run a hot tap until the water's hot; we run it into a big plastic bottle, which must then be carried around to the dozens of indoor plants.

I'm surprised we haven't had a go at laundering toilet paper for re-use. Or what the *, keep used sheets in an adjacent bin the way they do in countries with poor plumbing, and use the clean bits next time. I wish I was joking, but I'm too busy monitoring my food for cat hairs and myself for malnutrition.

It sounds like these kids are not long away from mothers who did everything for them. They believe the bath cleans itself, that kind of thing. I really don't think it's up to you to do anything more than care for yourself and your daughter.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2017, 03:14:44 AM
i'm on a break right now, back at my own place till mon.  i kinda lost it this morning, went on a rant after a shower, cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes,  vacuuming, and picking up all the recyclables, fixing them so they could be bagged.  then my d asked 'do you want to know how to pack those for recycling?' and i said 'no, i want someone else to do that.'

san, that sounds a reasonable reaction to me, especially your final answer. Sometimes it's just good to get it out!

thanks candid and blueberry.  really.  your voices again help me calm down and be ok with acting in a way that i don't normally do.  and i do believe that my job is my daughter.   the boys have been good about giving me rides to and from where i live, nearly an hour round trip.  i want to do for them, too, like buy pizza for everyone, give them gas money.  i think i and they are all stretched pretty thin right now.

their mother, actually, is a gritch who they can't stand, who kicked them out when they were 18 cuz her boyfriend didn't want to pay for their support anymore.  the oldest lived in his car for 2 years.  he also raised his 3 siblings since he was 8.  they are pretty depressed and damaged.  the whole situation sucks.

we'll get thru it.  i'm relaxing until i hear about her mri's.   we'll see what tomorrow brings.  thank you all for your caring and kindness.  it goes a long, long way to keep me steady and strong.  love and hugs all around.

How about you do only what you enjoy doing? Buying pizza yes, cleaning no. Sounds like you've got the place to maintenance level anyway.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 14, 2017, 12:29:12 AM
the oldest lived in his car for 2 years.  he also raised his 3 siblings since he was 8.  they are pretty depressed and damaged. 

This doesn't surprise me.  Their behaviour sounds a bit like mine atm, tbh. There's a reason behind it. I agree wiht Candid's idea of only doing what you actually enjoy doing for everybody. Because if you do too much of the other out of a feeling that you 'have to', resentment tends to grow, which isn't helpful for anybody.  :bighug: Come to the porch instead and do something for you!

thanks, candid and blueberry.  the porch sounds good today. 

my d told me yesterday that the boys did clean up the rest of the place, so i guess maybe my rant was needed to  light a fire under their butts.  it's also been very hot, but i don't want to use that as an excuse for them.   i'm tired of excusing people - done it all my life. 

anyway, i'm helping her with this book she's editing.  she can't think straight with the painkillers, and this editing needs to be done this week.  it's something i can do that's strictly for her, which is where i want to be with all this.

i'm also feeling stronger than i have in the past.  i think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general. 

don't know when/if i'll be going back, if she needs me there or with her to see the doc.  so, the immediate future in still a bit uncertain, but i have faith.  i do believe the healing is beginning.  yay!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 14, 2017, 04:53:22 PM
i'm also feeling stronger than i have in the past.  i think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general. 

That sounds really good, san. Yay!  :cheer:

 :hug:

I just wanted to give you a hug today.  You are strong!

blueberry, big smile on my face right now.  thanks for that cheer!

and, dee, i love your hugs.  they always warm my heart.  thank you so.

i'm doing ok, but my hub and daughter are not.  dang, they are such good people - i wish they could catch a break.   i know the best i can do is be there supportively for them, and to stay  as well as possible.   it's been feeling good that i've taken my power back from all the docs.  i've got bills to pay off before i rush to make more apptsl, but it feels more like i'm now doing it the way i want, rather than what they want for me.

i was so caught up in being sick for so long, really tangled in a web of illness and pain.  some of it is still there, but it doesn't feel so overpowering like it had, like it was all my life had to offer.    this is how it is today, and i'll enjoy it while it's here.  those intrusive thoughts seem to be diminishing somewhat as well.  i don't trust it, but i have faith. 

after another realization about crapola as a kid, i was also able to get some anger out, some child hate at my dad.  it was a bit weird, cuz he was god to me and i wanted to be like him and please him always, and i'd excused or ignored a lot of what he did as i was growing up, especially mocking and humiliating me.  i just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.  it was a stretch, but i do believe it was right. 

a kid only knows love and hate - doesn't have the logic and experience of gray areas of emotion - and that's why i pushed myself to use the word 'hate' when letting that anger out.  i somehow knew that it was my little me who needed to feel the power of being able to say what she might have said if she could have said it.  very existential, i know, but rational at the same time.

so, i continue working on this.  i don't doubt there is more of it within me - my body still has too much pain and tension inside it.  but this was the first time i let my little me get angry.  i think more of that will be coming.  i've allowed her to talk to him, tell him his expectations were impossible, cry about it, but have never before let her get angry.  yep, there's more of that coming. 

ooooh, this feels right to write about it, realize it, get it out.  my insides are moving in a way that tells me i'm onto something with this.  little sannyswee will be pounding and getting the hate out in the future.  piece by piece to peace.

Quotei just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.

At the depths of her/your pain, Little San said she hated what he'd done.  She didn't say she hated him.

Little San loved her daddy. If she hadn't loved him so much she wouldn't have been so angry with him.

Under the anger towards him, the grief about him. 

Under the grief is more love for them, flawed as they may have been.  More importantly, it includes love for ourselves. How could we possibly not love the person who took so much for so long, and still loves?

I regularly run through rage, grief, love.  Much less rage and much more love now, for self and others.  The grief is mellowed as a result.

Quotei think this move was exactly what i needed.  my mind is clearer, my perspective is able to change to make myself feel better, and i'm feeling more stable in general.

Being able to change our perspective is a powerful tool indeed. :yahoo: for all this, my friend and sister!  :hug:

wow, candid, good catch.  she didn't say 'i hate you'.  maybe that was my adult me editing that emotion.  a child would say 'i hate you' - kids personalize these things and don't have the means of separating the person from the thing they did.   that's why if there's a problem between the parents, the kid always thinks it's his/her fault.   can't make that separation.

something to ponder next time i do this.  thanks, you darling you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 15, 2017, 03:51:29 AM
after another realization about crapola as a kid, i was also able to get some anger out, some child hate at my dad.  it was a bit weird, cuz he was god to me and i wanted to be like him and please him always, and i'd excused or ignored a lot of what he did as i was growing up, especially mocking and humiliating me.  i just let my little me pound the bed and tell her daddy how much she hated what he'd done.  it was a stretch, but i do believe it was right. 

....i somehow knew that it was my little me who needed to feel the power of being able to say what she might have said if she could have said it.  very existential, i know, but rational at the same time.

Good on Little San and Adult San!  :cheer:  :cheer: I've done a lot of Inner Child work, letting them express what they felt and thought about all what happened. Was very healing, counteracted physical pain and exhaustion.

So sorry to hear, you too had to suffer mocking and humiliation.  :bighug:

thanks, blueberry, and a big hug back to you.  your other post was what turned me on to this in the first place.  i'll keep going with it - i don't doubt that it'll help my physical stuff.  yeah, when i think about the mocking, etc., it really sucks.   i would always think that it was just his way, how he was raised.  he was out on the streets a lot as a kid, ran away at 16, all that rot, so i never focused on what it meant for me in reality. 

for so long i've focused on what happened to me in adulthood that i mostly overlooked my childhood.  back to the drawing board. 

I am so glad that you had the realization. It can be hard but it sounds like you are doing so well with it! So glad that you are exploring it and letting little you express what needs to be.

Much love and many hugs  :hug:

i'll take that love and those hugs, el, and hold them in my heart.  they are blessings.

very low energy today.  have been helping my d with editing, and it's much more work than either of us expected.  lots of brain drain the past few days.  today is a day of rest.  i just wanted to jot this down. 

i do get so tired of this exhausting roller coaster, this constant battle.  will be going to stay with her to help her the next couple of days.   the 'boys' help a lot, but they sure don't have the same work ethic either she or i have.   or the same strength and stamina.  they're pretty damaged, and i know they do the best they can.  still  . . . .

just whining.  it is what it is, no one's fault.  feels good to whine every so often.  get it out of me here so i don't go there filled with resentment.  i don't want to do that cuz it's not good for her - just more stress - and it's not good for me, either.   i want to help her cheerfully and lovingly, and resentment can knock the socks off both of those.

so, i let it out here.  i know you all get it, understand, have been there yourselves.  the more i type, the more calm i feel.  so glad this is here, you are here.  foc - you're the best.  time to watch some netflix, eat a little, take a nap.  big yawn.  sounds like the prescription i need for today.  ta!

San, I am glad you take my hugs and love. I will always send them your way. I am sorry I don't currently have words, or anymore to give...

Know I am always here, sitting with you in spirit. You are truly such a dear friend to me  :hug:

as are you to me, el.  indeed.

i think some of the sadness that i've known to still be inside has been leaking out.  most mornings now, i'm usually not awake for 5 min. before the tears come.  this is so unusual for me, so i'm thinking/hoping it's because some of my stress levels and health issues  have calmed down and there's finally a path open through which the tears can flow.

i finished watching a tv series that i've enjoyed, and the ending was all about sacrificing yourself in order to keep those you love out of harms way - a protection thing.  i started sobbing at the end, still can't think of it without tears now.  it made such an impact on me. 

everyone here, myself included, has rarely if ever had someone love them so much that they would do whatever it took, including giving up their own beloved way of life, to make sure the important people in their life were kept safe.  once again, i felt so sorry for myself.  my little me came out again telling my dad that she hated him. 

different from last time.  progress, i think.  this inner child stuff is pretty powerful.  a voice inside my head wants me to compare it neg. to the horrors i've read that others have gone thru, that i'm just whining again.  i didn't have to survive such horrific abuse like others.  then again, i lost all my emotions for most of my life, had no sense of self till i was in my 50's.  i still can't connect with a lot of feelings, for myself or others.

so i weep, i leak, i'm teary-eyed, and i'm going today for the weekend to take care of my daughter, clean up their kitchen, fetch and carry for her cuz she's had a down-turn overnight.  i suspect she did too much, which brought back the pain.  she'll have to find her own balance with this, i guess.

push the sadness back down.  another reminder from the doc about the tests i'm supposed to do.  pressure.  i'm holding those off till my d is more stable, till i can find a ride from a ride service cuz i can't count on her anymore.  hoping to make a t appt. on mon., complete with a ride.  that's one thing i do want to get going.  i need help with this.

i don't know what else to say.

good weekend with my d.  she told me something about grieving that i hadn't thought of before - a new perspective.  that we need to grieve what has been taken from us without our permission, not just our losses.  it put a whole new spin on it for me.

when i began thinking of it, as we continued talking about it, i realized that most of my relationships were dissolved not because it was my choice, per se, but because i had been pushed to the edge and it was either me or the loss of me.  in order to keep myself intact, i was forced to make the decision i never wanted to make.  the choice was taken from me out of survival.

i'm thinking that my constant crying, my constant sadness has been a result of a generic grieving, one that has had no real focus, so it's been like a bottomless pit, neverending.  like my anger - when i became more specific about who and what deserved my anger and aimed it there, it became more productive.  i was able to be rid of it, released from it, even if it went from one layer to the next because i couldn't get it all out at once.  still, it finally had purpose, and therefore, a finality.  it felt cleansing rather than frustrating.

i'm now wondering if my grief can be dealt with likewise.  i'm triggered by 1000's of things, all reminding me of something lost, something wonderful that had been withheld from me, something taken from me.  the other day, on tv, a couple learned they were going to have a baby  he leaned over and said 'hi' to her belly.  altho i've had 2 babies, i've never had the fathers, my hubs, be happy, proud, loving toward me for being pregnant.  one did for about 5 min., after which he basically ignored me, humiliated me for my weight gain, and accused me of carrying another man's baby.   after pleading with me in the beginning not to get an abortion ('everything will work out'), he told me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  i moved in with a girlfriend.

hub # 2 didn't even want the baby, altho i told him i wanted to give him a baby of his own (he adopted my first) and he knew i'd gone off the pill, didn't take precautions so he was complicit in the whole thing.  he, too, ignored what i was going thru, refused my entreaties for him to be involved in childbirth classes (you've done this already - you know what to do), wouldn't read the books about it.  he did go into the delivery room when i was there (i hesitate to say 'with me' for he was no more with me than the wall against which he stood the whole time) but i know now that a narc will do what's necessary for show.

so, when i see a touching scene of a man wanting to support his wife, the tears spring to my eyes unbidden, unstoppable.  these are the things i believe i have to consciously list and grieve separately.  they aren't just losses, they're 'never had's' and 'shoulda been's'.  i was trying to make a family and was thwarted in those attempts.  making that family was taken away from me.  being the loved and loving mom-to-be was snatched out from under me.  i didn't just lose those, i was robbed of them.  that's a very different feeling.

there's one example.  i don't know how many more there are, but that will do for now.  what a concept to wrap my head around.  aaaah, and here comes the anger that goes with it.  specific, lethal, purifying.  yes, anger is beneath all this sadness, i've suspected that.  didn't know how to get at it, tho.  here it is, and i want to rip heads off.  it feels great.  more to come.

i looked up the stages of grief.  there are various categories - some have 5, some have 7.  both these models put anger in front of  sadness/depression.  hmmm . . . that's not how it worked for me, but i've always been sad so it makes sense to me that's i'd be stuck in sadness. 

stuck in sadness.  i think that sums it up.  i'm stuck in sadness, and i have to find a way to get unstuck so that i can move on to acceptance.  still no t to help me with this.  if anyone has ideas, i'm totally open to them.    i'm so very tired of crying anytime anything emotional comes up - dang, just watched sharapova win her tennis match, and when she burst into tears, so did i just at the emotionality of it. 

what does someone else getting emotional about something as neutral as winning a tennis match have to do with me?   why would i cry at that?  i don't understand it at all.  hers were tears of happiness.  i wasn't rooting for her, so i wasn't crying with her for that reason.    could this be linked to my own detachment from my own emotions for so long?  rats - i wish i had the answers. 

usually writing about this gives me some insight.  i'm getting nothing from these past posts about it.  it seems more mysterious than ever.  i sure do hope i get a t soon - maybe she can give me some help with this.  i just don't know what to do with it anymore.  ugh!!!  just writing that makes me want to cry.

Darling san, you've had to fight for survival every step of the way, and you're still having to.  I understand about touching scenes in movies.  Even comedy has the potential to spark me off.

Yes, 'never had's' and 'shoulda been's'.  Maslow's hierarchy.  Second level up is safety.  Did you have emotional safety in your childhood home? I didn't.  Of course the next step up is belonging.  Without inner safety, any kind of belonging is a house built on sand.

Quotecould this be linked to my own detachment from my own emotions for so long? 

I believe so.  :bighug:

no, candid, my dear sister, i didn't have emotional safety as a child.  that's where the alexithymia began.  everything but my sadness was buried too deep to even realize by the time i was 17.   and i was demeaned for crying before that.  i stopped for many years, buried that, too, but as i began opening up to my reality in my late 30's, the tears started coming.  and haven't stopped.

yeah, maslow.  i am able to cry w/ my d - as she says 'crying is allowed in this house'.  she accepts my tears with no question.  my hub is used to my tears now, and isn't as upset by them.  that's my area of belonging.  but, since i had so little emotional connection with anyone, i went up the hierarchy anyway.  i didn't know i couldn't. 

wasn't afraid of success or failure, so just did what i wanted.   had nothing inside that told me i couldn't or shouldn't.   didn't get down on myself if i couldn't pull something off at first.  just looked for and found another way.  almost always felt safe cuz i rarely, if ever, felt fear.  i trusted everyone, and when i was betrayed, i didn't cry - just went out and eliminated them and/or found someone else. 

so, maybe this is just how it is for me.  maybe that's part of what i have to accept.  thank you for this, my dearest candid.   so very sad, but only those who look into my eyes when i'm not smiling see it.  not that i'm trying to hide it.  i don't consciously know it's there unless i really think about it, which i just don't most of the time.  my crying reminds me of it.  that's when i'm aware. 

yes, i continue to struggle because of this.   dang.    i never would have thought what far-reaching repercussions something as elemental as emotions could have.

i feel like i'm fading.  i finally have a t appt. in a month, so i'll just have to hang on till then.

i'm very stressed out.  stressed from helping take care of my d.  she found out yesterday that she'll probably have surgery in 6 weeks, so she'll still be dealing with this until then.  it's taking me longer to recover from going over there.  her 'boys' help as much as they can, but they are both quite moody, and i have a hard time dealing with that.

i guess i'm admitting this out loud for the first time.  i love them dearly, they're nice guys, but quite difficult to get past their defenses.   very little interaction.  even living there for just 2 days seems like i'm slogging thru mud with them.  very damaged young men.  they don't exactly make me feel unwanted, but they have major issues w/ their mom, and i'm a mom.  quite a bit of transference is what it feels like.

in a word, my friendliness is rarely reciprocated.  hi, fine, ok is about the extent of the interaction, especially with the younger one.  both are gamers, so they don't go far without some kind of computer device.  it's stressing me out.  i don't want to talk to my d about it cuz 1, she's very defensive of them and all they've done for her (which is a lot, including paying her rent, etc. since she hasn't been able to work) and 2 i know it would be upsetting for her to hear that from me.

she knows how stressful this is on everyone, but she doesn't know these underlying reasons i have.  she's stressed enough that's she's had to be in pain for 4 mos., lying on the floor, not even able to sit up to eat.  i want to make it as easy for her as possible, and my going there 2 days/week helps ease the burden on the boys.  just another thing to push thru.

so, i'm having a bit of a difficult time holding myself together.   being able to write this all out here helps.  then, realizing that my alexithymia may have skewed my grieving process and caused me to be stuck in sadness isn't helping.  as much as my heart goes out to the people in texas, i can't think about them or i'm in uncontrollable tears. 

i also feel like i'm isolating from here - i don't have the energy to put forth toward too many others right now.  i've noticed several times in the past week that my words don't seem to make sense to me, aren't exactly what i want to write, or i can't really wrap my head around them.  i just had to put this all someplace.  this seemed as good a place as any.   i'm not feeling right.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:
You take care of you, dear San. I'm sending you all the love I possibly can!  :hug:

I echo what 3 Roses said, San, and I hope that you are ok, and that you are able to hang on in there - and get strength from somewhere to help you to cope with everything.  Sounds really tough to be handling all of that, and just wanted to send you a  :hug:

Hope  :)

 :bighug: :bighug: to you san. You've given tons on here to other people like me. You can have a break now to take care of yourself and just come on here when you want to to gather strength and support and not feel you have to give to somebody else.

blueberry, hope, and 3 roses, i can't tell you how much you and your words mean to me.  thank you so much.

i'm not feeling well today.  i've got to start paying doc bills, and am trying to figure out how much i can give to each one.  i haven't had to juggle bills for so many years, it's sickening me to have to start again.   ugh!!!

one step, then another.  time to make myself some food.  loving thoughts to all of you.

Dear san, I wanted to reciprocate all the kindness you have for people on the forum here. Like I said to you before: you are a great driving force on this forum and deserve all that kindness right back.

Thank you for being here.

Lingurine

o lingurine, thank you so much.  i swear i owe my life to this place and all you darling people.  i absolutely couldn't have made it this far without you all. 

feeling much better today.  it's taken me about 5 days to de-stress from my last visit with my d.  it's a difficult time for all of us, but it seems that we have an end in sight, so that helps.  she will be getting surgery to end the problem in about 5 more weeks.   finally, a real answer, and a true fix.  i'm so glad for her and for all of us.  it's been quite stressful, to say the least.

'll be going back for a couple days on mon., i think.  am gearing up for it.  i just want to be accepting and caring and loving the whole time i'm there, helping her as best i can.  i'm also thinking i need to ignore the moodiness - it's all that i have in my control, is to change something about me.  i'm a mom, a neg. authority figure for the boys, and, while the older one has warmed up to me somewhat, the younger is like a fog.  nothing of substance to grasp re: his personality.

it's just weird, and not something i've had to deal with on a reg. basis.  usually, when i meet people like that, i end up avoiding them.  being thrust into this situation, where he lives, i have to manage to make this as good for myself as possible.  so, change my attitude, change my perspective, don't take it personally (i'm just pep-talking myself here), and be happy i don't have to live with him.

in the meantime, i paid part of a doc bill yesterday, which felt harrowing.  my hub has been doing that for me all those years with him so i wouldn't have to go out in the heat (there are no payments by mail there) or take a chance with my legs acting up.  he worried about my safety constantly, and would rather do those errands himself (except for grocery shopping once a week).  so, having to juggle bill-paying is something new again, and threw me for a bit of a loop.

but, it's done, and i'm ok again.  so weird how the smallest thing can send me spiraling downward - things that i used to do without blinking an eye.  i mean, writing a check, for crying out loud!!!  how many times have i done that in my life, and now it seems like such a big deal.  can't just do an online payment cuz i'm only paying these bills in pieces right now. 

i noticed a couple times lately that i have been feeling the love that's been sent to me.  the feeling of being loved.  it's a miracle to me.  it still doesn't happen all the time, but a few expressions of it lately have hit me in the heart.  hopefully, it's progress.  it's quite overwhelming.    i know this is because i've surrounded myself for the most part with people from this forum, my hub, and my daughter.  these are the sources of continuing love in my life, and it's beginning to penetrate.  it's odd to me, but i'm finding that i'm more able to pull up the feeling when i'm trying to go to sleep.  it's soothing to me.

so, with gratitude, there are places inside me that are healing.   what a concept.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 02, 2017, 05:34:28 PM
i just want to be accepting and caring and loving the whole time i'm there, helping her as best i can. 

I can't imagine you being any other way, dear friend.

:thumbup: to pep-talking ourselves.

IME the anticipation of having to get out, navigate buses and town centre + do whatever needs to be done is much worse than actually doing it.  As you say, things we used to do without even thinking about it.  I tremble at the thought of having to live alone now, and it's only been two years (this week) since I cracked my head open.  Before that it was a whole different ballgame.

:thumbup: to feeling the love, too.  And a :bighug:

thanks for the vote of confidence, candid.  you didn't see or hear me a couple weeks ago when i was there for 5 days and absolutely blew up at the mess they were all living in.  i was doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, changing linens, making food for her, and wasn't getting any help, and i exploded!!!  it's been a tough situation all the way around (it was also during a heat wave and not adequate cooling in all rooms).  i just let 'er rip, and it wasn't very nice at all.

i'm really not a very good 'nurse', so to speak.  3 days of taking care of someone is pretty much my limit.  anyway, she's feeling better, and surgery to fix the problem is on the horizon, so that's good.

i'm still doing the crying thing, several times a day, just bursting into tears at an image or a thought.  it doesn't matter if it's happy or sad, i cry about it.  that's ramping up my stress level.  yesterday i finally remembered to do some tapping, both mine and blueberry's types, to calm myself down.  i'm at the point where i'm just asking for the strength to make it thru the day.  don't want to xanax myself every day, either.  it doesn't always help anyway.

funny, i was feeling pretty good yesterday morning, then the crying and stress started out of nowhere.   i just hope that this t i'm going to see at the end of the month can help me with this.  for all my knowledge and experience, i can't figure this one out, don't know what to do about it, don't know how to fix it.

thanks for that wonderful hug, candid.  i love it.

I don't understand that crying ramps up your stress, san, although I'm guessing it's because you have to hide your tears on a regular basis.  Going from your shared home to work in D's shared home would be a hard act for anyone over 30, still more someone with galloping CPTSD.

Re. the xanax, you nailed the problem with taking any meds every day; they cease to work.  I hope the T can help you, because we know this is just a temporary blip for you. You are so strong and so caring about everybody, here and in your RL.  Baby steps, my darling. :bighug:

Quote from: Candid on September 04, 2017, 05:17:15 AM
Going from your shared home to work in D's shared home would be a hard act for anyone over 30, still more someone with galloping CPTSD.

:yeahthat: bucket loads.
And also your move from Mexico and away from H and all that entailed isn't that long ago either, so, you know, as Candid would tell me  ;) give yourself a break! Or try and do so. Maybe it's just too much to expect of ourselves to be loving, caring, accepting all day every day, when we are also not in the best place and struggling with CPTSD?

You write that being 'nurse' for 3 days is your limit. Good for recognising that  :thumbup: IME I then have to act on that type of realisation, and give myself a break after whatever time period it is.  :cheer: for remembering to do some tapping because there you were doing something to try and calm yourself down.

san, I'm sending you  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: and hoping you'll find someone on the Healing Porch to wrap you in their big earth mother skirts.

candid and blueberry, i do believe you are correct, and thanks for reminding me.  the move has only been a few months, and everything that went along with it.  then all of d's problems, and doing what i can to help her, all my own doc stuff, begging rides cuz i no longer have my car, no complete privacy anywhere, no professional help . . . yeah, i just need to let myself be the way i am.  it's been so much in such a short time.

i used to do it all, all the time.  i guess i think i still can, should, must.  well, la-di-da, ain't i the super-friggin'-hero!!!  time to jump off this pedestal and get to being human again.  it's such a big jump down for me, every time i have to do it.  but it's really important that i do. 

crying ramps up my stress because every time i start crying, it's because of some kind of trigger that i'm not always aware of exactly what it is.  it's an unknown for me, and that stresses me out.  whether it's happy or sad or whatever, emotional stuff is stressful for me.  to add a physical component (crying) to it is just that much more stressful.

thank you my friends of my heart for being here for me, making sure that i return to earth.  i needed that.  love and hugs right back.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 04, 2017, 10:46:30 PM
no complete privacy anywhere...

I looked at those words for a long time.  That alone is like being shaken or shouted at all day long, for me.  Then try to sleep, hypervigilantly wondering if you might be woken in minutes if you so much as close your eyes.  Stress like that means not enough quality sleep.  That alone is enough to cause giant mood swings, crankiness and tears, with no need for a trigger.

I'm so sorry crying adds to your stress instead of relieving it.  Are you having to cry in front of people who don't get it?  Or run off and hide?

:grouphug: here, definitely.

i cry on my own, usually, unless something triggers me when someone else is around.  it's still hard for me to cry in front of someone - was mocked and humiliated for doing so way too often.   difficult to just break down and sob, except in front of my hub.  he got used to it, understood it was what i needed to do, so he was ok with it.

here at the house, i'm afraid to make the noise that comes with sobbing.  don't want to be intruded upon.  there are times, tho, when the house is mostly empty, and i have let go a little bit then.  i've gone to my car at times in the past - complete privacy there.  another reason i miss it.  it was a cocoon of comfort and safety.

usually, tho, it's just tears running down my face at some trigger from a tv show.  feeling horrible, and not being able to pinpoint what's going on, what emotions/feelings are specifically involved.  that's what's so stressful.  at other times, yes, i've cried, and it was releasing and provided relief, so i know what you're talking about.  i just think i'm overwhelmed by the stress of what i've gone thru in the past 6 mos.

i'd thought of writing a list here of all that, it helps me to see what i'm dealing with in black and white.  i'm tired now, tho, so i'll save it for later.  i'm also nervous about seeing the skin doc thurs. and about seeing a t at the end of the month.  i keep imagining her saying the common opening t gambit - so, why are you here today?  - and i have no answer because i have too many answers.  it all gets caught in my throat.

anyway, gotta eat, take a nap.  thanks for the questions, candid.  they make me know how much you care, how much you're interested in me.  i really appreciate that.  haven't had enough of that cuz i always looked like i was always on top of everything all the time.  i'm not.

I can understand how hard it is to cry in front of others sometimes... Even if it's crying over grief or pain, I struggle because for all my life I was told it was me being "weak".
It's nice that you've got someone you trust to show your tears to though. ^-^

When you go to your T, maybe take a piece of paper with you, with key words written down on it to help you remember and clearly say what you want to say if you get asked that question. :) Just a suggestion. That's helped me plenty in the past.

Hope your nap is nice and that you feel well rested!

thanks, aa.  that's a good suggestion.  i believe i'll do that.  the nap was good, thanks.  i felt better.

some switch clicked yesterday, like another piece of the puzzle fell into place.  i think writing about being denied helped with that.   it's such a big chunk for me because my 'self' via my emotions/feelings was denied.  without them, i floated thru life.

only beginning to get feelings of being grounded, not just floating thru life, letting the wind take me where it will.  i could never answer the question 'where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.?'  never had a clue, so that question made no sense to me and i was unable to even picture the concept.

i think the words on the paper will be a grounding exercise, now that i think more on it.  instead of reaching for thoughts out of the air, they will be there in front of me.  yes, a very good idea for me.  thanks again, aa.   

the derm. doc today.  not very good news.  2 things i was very worried about turned out to be no problem.  2 things i wasn't particularly worried about may possibly be.  i'm in shock, it's after midnight, can't sleep cuz i took 2 excedrin, which have caffeine, and i'm pretty shook.

the fungal infection i've been told by numerous docs in mexico has invaded my thumbnail may be something altogether different.  it may be fungal, which hasn't responded to any kind of treatment, both external and internal, or there may be something going on beneath my nail, in which case it will have to come off.  not a fun thought.

years of history with this - mexico is a great place to pick up fungi.  all my other nails that had been corrupted by it have long since grown out of it and are fine.  this has been bothering my thumb for at least 8-10 yrs.  something is wrong here.

on my scalp, again after talking to an army of docs thru the years, about 8 or so, all of whom have told me that i had a mole that was not to be worried about and they refused to remove it because it wasn't really bothering me, and the stuff around it was also either a fungal infection or, as a derm. told me  was psoriasis, so i was sold/given stuff to treat it as such - both have been removed and are now being biopsied.

he's already told me that if it's cancer, as he suspects, he'll be having someone else doing the surgery because of the location.   my biggest concern is that i know it's been spreading over the years.  after swearing at the batard docs in mexico, again, for such poor medical care that i've gotten, and sobbing uncontrollably, he kept apologizing for having to be the one to tell me.

i told him not to apologize, i was so glad to have someone see something to be concerned about and take action.    i'm up now, having a difficult time going to sleep, but my anger once again gave me strength and i didn't completely lose my legs like i have after such an emotional situation in the past.  i worked at staying angry, and they kept working.  my anger is my strength and i have to remember that.

so, i'm sitting at my d's right now, writing about this.  i don't know if it was a good idea or not cuz of bringing it all up again, but i also know that if i'd tried to ignore it, it wouldn't have worked, either.

one good thing about all this, and for which i'm extremely thankful, is that this doc and his assistant were extremely kind and understanding, very human and compassionate, and did everything possible to reassure me that this matter would be rushed and taken care of as soon as possible. 

i wont know till next tues. or wed. about the possible cancer, and won't know for about a month about what's going on with my nail.  god, give me strength. 

Oh dear, San. I hope it all turns out okay for you. :(
Perhaps if you wouldn't mind, keep us updated on how those things pan out. ^^

San, I'm so very shocked and sorry to hear this.  The only bright spot is that finally someone is taking you seriously, and you will get the best care they can give.  I know what a huge difference that makes.

:bighug: and COURAGE to you, my dear friend.  It's time to start letting other people look after you.  xx

We are standing with you, or sitting with you on the porch, whichever you find most comforting. Maybe a nice cup of tea and a refreshing ocean breeze? We are with you and will remain there. Much love, my friend.  :grouphug:

i know you're all with me.  i'm comforted by that.

i, of course, researched everything i could last night.  if it is, indeed, the type i think it is, i believe it's already mestasaisized into my lymph nodes and breast.  last year, more than a year ago, my massage therapist already found something in my left lymph node that she believed was due to having an infection.  the lesion is on the left side of my head

this year, after a mammo, they've wanted me to come in for a sonagram for a mass they saw.  i didn't pay any attn. cuz i've had very cyst-y breasts in the past, so i haven't rushed to get an appt.  now it seems these may all be connected.

the good news is that i know nothing for sure yet.  just getting myself ready.  the doc was extremely concerned, already had plans for putting a team together.

i won't do chemo - it upsets my system too badly.  i've talked to both my d and my hub about such circumstances, and we're all for quality of life, doing the utmost to preserve that even to the end.  this may sound neg. but it's actually not.  it's thought out and it's fine with those closest to me.  i hope so with all of you.

so, we wait.   in the meantime i have pizza to eat, and god to thank for a great life.  i'll be ok no matter what.  5 days.  there's still some good tennis left.  if the news is pos., we'll go from there.  if not, the same.  i'm preparing for the worst, tho.  and i want to be here to help my d thru her surgery in a month.  that's my goal, and i believe it's a good one.  she needs me, has already asked that i be there with her.  she and i have come a long way.

so i sit, wait, and wonder.  this may be the longest 5 days of my life.

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: oh sanmagic, I'm sorry. As Candid says, it is good that the docs are finally taking you and your concerns seriously. But that would have been possible without this possible diagnosis too.
Come and sit on the Healing Porch with us and enjoy those flowers you planted.

blueberry, i know you are.  all those hugs are beautiful.  i'll be joining you on the porch till i find out what's exactly going on.

i talked to my hub tonight.  i hated doing it, but knew he'd want to know, just as i would if the situation were reversed. 

bought a bunch of comfort food to wait with.  until i hear one way or another, nothing much matters.  it struck me how something of this magnitude can put things in a different perspective.   all the b.s. about others seems pretty insignificant now.  i'm just glad my d is with her best friend, so she's taken care of with all this.  i know my hub with be ok, even tho he's so ticked he's ready to line docs up like an amusement at the carnival and shoot their heads off.

i'm pretty numb for the time being. 

The waiting is the hardest part....

quick update:

i heard from the doc.  he's jazzed - it is not the melanoma he thought it was, which is a very bad one, but still a type of skin cancer.  however, he says the procedure is 99% effective, the cancer doesn't spread, my other concerns aren't linked to it, and everything should be ok.  yay!!!

thank you, god.

so, i'll be in touch with him mon. to figure out the plan.  i'm breathing easier.  thank you all for your love and support.  it meant the world to me.  love you right back. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 09, 2017, 05:07:34 AM
quick update:

i heard from the doc.  he's jazzed - it is not the melanoma he thought it was, which is a very bad one, but still a type of skin cancer.  however, he says the procedure is 99% effective, the cancer doesn't spread, my other concerns aren't linked to it, and everything should be ok.  yay!!!

thank you, god.

so, i'll be in touch with him mon. to figure out the plan.  i'm breathing easier.  thank you all for your love and support.  it meant the world to me.  love you right back.

:D That is so good to hear, San! I'm really glad it isn't as bad as it was first thought out to be. You must be so relieved.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 09, 2017, 05:07:34 AM
i heard from the doc.  he's jazzed - it is not the melanoma he thought it was, which is a very bad one, but still a type of skin cancer.  however, he says the procedure is 99% effective, the cancer doesn't spread, my other concerns aren't linked to it, and everything should be ok.  yay!!!

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :hug: :hug: :hug: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

That is great news, San! I am so glad to hear it can be taken care of effectively. I hope you can take some of the day to rest after all of thay stress.   :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :party: :fireworks: :bighug: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hope you'll be joining us on the Porch anyway.

i pictured this response before i even saw it.  you all are the best.  thank you so very much for all your support. 

tomorrow the doc and i will figure out when i'll get the surgery done.  until then, i'm on the porch, smelling those wonderful flowers and enjoying the company of everyone there.  you're beautiful, you really are.  fireworks - yep, an immediate smile.   muah!

So glad you seem to be in higher spirits today, dear friend! I hope the doctor can take care of things quickly. So happy to hear all can be helped  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

so, this is a day of phone calls, which i dread.  not having my own phone doesn't help as i have to rely on my landlady's house phone.  plus, the rideshare place is always a callback kind of thing.  just a lot of back and forth stuff that i'm not fond of.

i'll be so glad when all the doc stuff gets down to a routine maintenance kind of thing.  for now, there is so much stuff that's medically related, both for me and my d.  ugh!  it's just a bit wearing.  think i'll rock on the porch while waiting for a call back.  that sounds relaxing, at least.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 11, 2017, 04:56:34 PM
so, this is a day of phone calls, which i dread.  not having my own phone doesn't help as i have to rely on my landlady's house phone.  plus, the rideshare place is always a callback kind of thing.  just a lot of back and forth stuff that i'm not fond of.

i'll be so glad when all the doc stuff gets down to a routine maintenance kind of thing.  for now, there is so much stuff that's medically related, both for me and my d.  ugh!  it's just a bit wearing.  think i'll rock on the porch while waiting for a call back.  that sounds relaxing, at least.

Oh I know how you feel. Phone calls, oof, the worst. lol
But do try and relax today! Perhaps grab a cup of tea or something to go along with the rocking on the porch. :) The phone calls will stop eventually!

Like wading through treacle.  Keep wading, san!  Priorities, letting other things slide, one little step forward at a time...

Here we are with you  :grouphug:

got the appt. for surgery today.  oct. 19.  3-8 hrs.  moh's surgery.  right now i'm not coping well, am overwhelmed by all this setting up dates and times for appts. and coordinating those with rides.  i went on overload this morning.  will have 2 therapy appts. before it, so i hope that helps, altho that will be stressful as well.  have reached my stress limit and gone over.  need some time to just veg out now.  one step at a time.  breathe.  this, too, shall pass.

yeah, i know all the words.  nothing sticks right now.   it feels too much for me.  give me the strength to make it thru this day, please.

Sending you strength san.  :grouphug:

I'm pulling for you. You can do this.   :hug:

thank you blueberry and alarrah.  the strength i get from this place has continued to get me thru one more day. 

i know worry does nothing good, but it sneaks in nonetheless.  the fact that this carcinoma has not been treated for maybe 10 yrs., which was when i first noticed it and brought it to the att'n of doctors, is blindsiding me.  i know already that it's spread on the surface of my scalp in 2 different ways - both the scaly patches and the tumor have grown.  actually, there's another small tumor that i've just noticed a few months ago.

all the literature says that if this is caught early, there's no problem.  the doc is very happy that it isn't what he first thought it was, and seems sure that it will all be taken care of.   i have no trust because it's been so long.   i don't know how deep it might have gone by now.  there's not much meat between scalp and cranium.

crap.  i'm just driving myself crazy, and i still have a month to go.  i'm not afraid of dying or of being dead.  that doesn't frighten me.  it's what might be on the way, like pain and such, that bothers me.  i've been in pain for way too long, and even this biopsy has been painful.  i'm still taking advil every day cuz it's so uncomfortable even as it's healing.

just venting here, tears in my eyes.  i'm ready for this to be over.  time for more distraction.

was thinking about the title i gave my journal here.  i was so sure that when i wrote it i was going uphill, making real progress, and turning things around, finally.  instead, i feel less healed than ever, sicker, less energy, less able to cope.  i thought i'd be beyond this by now. 

too tired.  just too tired.  got nuthin' for nobody.  wish i did - it usually made me feel better.   i hate this crapola.

 :hug: dear San, I am sorry this is taking such a toll on you. Come join me on the porch today. Three Roses, made me a cup of tea for my time there. I will gladly make you one to share with me. We can sit in peace on the rocking chairs, with a warm blanket if you would like.

I can fetch us tea, or fresh vegetables from the garden today.  We can sit and enjoy the quiet there among the animals that reside there.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
:hug: for you if you'd like one, and I just wanted to pop by and say, standing by you  :grouphug:
Sometimes it's just tough - and this is one of those times, but hopefully you will have some light, however small it may seem, that will help you to cope at this challenging time.
Hope  :)

Dear san,

You know, I'm glad you're venting on here! Out with all the crapola. You've given lots of us here so much! Now is space for you when you need it.
Then sit with us on the porch, or just with Elphanigh. I'm sure you could both do with the Porch atm. Enjoy those flowers you planted too! :hug: :hug: Then vent some more, if you need it.

Waiting on the porch for you, San, with a goodly supply of slippery watermelon seeds.   :hug:

I don't know if I can tell you how much your posts have encouraged me. I'm new to the site, but I can see how much good you have done for everyone here. I'm sorry you have so much weighing you down right now. Thank you for everything you do. 

just checking in.  thank you all for your care and concern and beautiful thoughts and wishes.  i have very little energy, am just holding myself together, but i think of you often.   you are all gold - don't ever forget that.  wish i could say more, but not right now.  love and hugs all around.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2017, 10:49:41 PM
just checking in.  thank you all for your care and concern and beautiful thoughts and wishes.  i have very little energy, am just holding myself together, but i think of you often.   you are all gold - don't ever forget that.  wish i could say more, but not right now.  love and hugs all around.

Hey San, thanks for checking in. ^-^ I hope you're doing alright.  :hug:

San, whether you are here posting or taking time as you need doing what you need - we are here. We know you have a warrior spirit, but even warriors need to recharge and take stock sometimes.

Always, always, always love, hugs and support are yours. Be gentle with yourself and breathe.  :bighug:

again, so grateful for all of you.

my last straw has come now - my hair.  my first career was as a hairdresser, i've always loved my hair, and i always notice a person's hair first of anything.  i've even identified people from the back by their hair.  it's always been a big thing with me.

now, my hair is shot.  the cancer skin scales have mucked it up on that side of my head, i can't brush it cuz the hair is all caught up in the muck, i can't style it at all, and i look like crap.  no lie. 

TW *****

when i nearly attempted suicide, it wasn't because my hub at the time was cheating on me, or because he said he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, or because i had to leave another home behind and move to another state to live with a girlfriend.  it was because of a last straw - she told me that the landlord wouldn't allow my dog to stay at the house anymore, and i had to send him back to my then-hub. 

that dog was the sweetest, most beautiful black collie, and had been with me thru all the trials and tribulations of that marriage.  he was the only constant in my world of ongoing crises.  having to get rid of him broke me to the point where i couldn't go on, and was about to end it all.  as i got up from the couch to write my galpal a note, my baby kicked - i was 8 1/2 mos. pregnant by then - and she saved my life.  if i'd killed myself then, i'd be killing my baby as well, and i couldn't do that. 

i decided then that i would do what i swore i'd never do - go back 'home'.  to do so meant, to me, the end of my independence, my freedom, all that i'd worked for to get myself out of a stifling situation.   but, my mother's whatever kept me alive in order to keep my baby alive, and i did what i had to do.

i doubt that suicide is often the cause of one big event, but rather a series of events that eventually come to a head with the 'last straw'.  no, i'm not going to do anything to myself like that - i have to stay alive for my d and my hub - but, if i were on my own, this hair thing would have been what would have pushed me over the edge.

as it is, i'm venting here instead, putting the poison on the screen, puking it out so i can continue to hang on, albeit by my fingernails.  i am so worn out from everything, i can barely stand it.   i hate my hair, and i've never said or felt anything like that ever in my life.   just that thought about does me in.   

i know that you all help me, and i thank you for that.  once again. 

I wish I had some silly little thing to say to cheer you up. Having never been fond of my baby-fine-do-nothing-with-it hair, I can't relate. Though, in my 30's when my thyroid crapped out and my hair started to become independent of me, I was ticked. I'd already lost the genetic dice roll - Dark black hair on pale white skin - showing on arms, legs, face, belly and - thanks Mom - back. So not feminine. So, to spend such a majority of my life wishing I had less hair, I was getting my wish. I should have been more specific in my prayers! LOL

I know you don't put much stock in vanity. Still - a woman has to have SOME things in this life! I'm so sorry that your tresses are not what you need and deserve them to be. One thing I can suggest - and it fits with your free-spirit-flower-child self - the creative use of scarves? That way, mirrors don't become such an enemy. My aunt had a magnificent collection which I inherited. I'm not much for scarves now, but my neck skin is telling me that I should have kept that collection and added to it. If you build a collection, you can change scarves to suit your mood. Pretty and flowery, Brown and earthy, traditional. Make it part of your self-identity statement!

When I am old, I shall wear a Red Hat with a Purple Shirt.....Why not start now?

 :grouphug: if I can get some more people around, or  :bighug: :bighug: to you san.

I second the suggestion of colourful scarves. Or if you prefer, beautiful scarves with muted colours.

I can feel with you about wanting to give it all up when you had to part with your collie. I ended up in an inpatient place for a while after one of my pets died. I used to manage to keep going for my pets, that was it. So I feel for you while you are remembering this.  :hug: :hug:

I have been a vain creature for most of my life, and focused a lot on my looks. Not that I was a beauty or anything close, but I found a sort of safety in being attractive. (Later I also found a sort of safety in being a little overweight.)

When my hair started falling out because of a stressful situation, I was mortified. I fussed and obsessed, and finally came to the decision to stop coloring my hair in an effort to let my scalp recover and maybe my hair would grow back in.

My hair is now almost 100% white, even my eyebrows. It has been difficult to let myself feel vulnerable and go shopping or to appointments or whatever, looking like I do now. But it's also been a good thing for the focus I want to have, which is focusing on who I truly am and what I want and how I honestly feel, for maybe the first time ever.

Thanks for bringing this up, it felt good to talk about.

 :hug: ouf, I am sorry to hear this.  I wish I had some words of healing or relief, but instead I will send you warm thoughts your way.

last night a black curtain lifted, and i immediately felt better.  as it was going up, i was p.o.'d that i was going to have to get back up once again and continue with the struggle (how many times can a person do this?), but it didn't turn out like that at all.  i'm convinced that this beast can be killed with love, and i feel it from all of you.  i know that i'm being love-bombed from all sides, from my regulars, from those who are new here (which is very touching), and from my hub and d. 

i do think that these beautiful vibes being sent my way lifted that black curtain.  i know i was in a very dark place, and all of you allowed me to be vulnerable and speak my truth, even tho it wasn't pretty, accepted me, and still cared about me.   that is the purest medicine i know and have ever had in my life.

i will have all of you with me when i go to see the new therapist next week, and when i go for my surgery.  just like you all surrounded me as i was crossing the border and making my escape, you will all surround me again during another harrowing experience.  yeah, to me, seeing this new t is going to be harrowing.  too many bad experiences, and i'm not trusting her one bit right now.

this is the first time i haven't trusted a therapist, so it's a new and difficult feeling for me.  i want to have an open mind, but a part of me just doesn't know if i'm going to get stomped on yet again.  i've had enough mind smashing to last me a lifetime.

in the meantime, i'm still reticent to get real involved with the forum right now.  i've got all this other stuff i'm sorting out, and i just don't trust myself to give coherent responses.  doubting myself at a conscious level is new for me, too.   it doesn't feel like i can be comfortable even giving support, altho i honestly do, to everyone on here. 

i guess i'll have to sit with myself for a bit yet before i feel ok enough to reach out to others.  thank you all for the hugs and support - it all goes straight to my heart.  love and hugs to all of you.   you have all helped me so much.  (i even feel guilty for not listing everyone's name here who has responded so warmly and caringly to me, but right now it's beyond me.  still, i've read all your posts and know who you are.  you're all such generous people, and i appreciate you all so much.  thank you).

Hey san, it's good to hear from you  :hug: Keep taking care of you and feeling the vibes from here. If you want, drop by on the porch and just be.

i'm on the porch whenever possible.  have already pictured all of you with me when i go for surgery.  for therapy, too.  it's getting harder to bear.  just read a doc's article about cancer possibly, likely, often a product of stress.  i've suspected this for a long time.  i'm surprised mine hasn't shown up sooner. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 22, 2017, 11:41:19 AM
i'm on the porch whenever possible.  have already pictured all of you with me when i go for surgery. 

I'll be there on the porch with you, offering to lend you some strength to get through surgery.

thanks, sceal.  looking forward to it.  bless you.  i'm keeping you all very close right now.  it's why i keep venting here, even tho i don't have it in me to respond to others right now.  this is my safe place.

I'm on the porch atm too. Here's my safe place while I recover from writing an Unsent FOO letter. So we can sit out here together, no need for words.

I have missed a lot but wanted to remind you I am here with you too. Even when I am absent from the forum like I have been this week.

Lots of warm hugs and good vibes your way  :hug:

on the porch, yes, blueberry.  and, el, i know you're with me always.  you all give me the strength to pick myself back up and carry on.  feeling better.  thank you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 19, 2017, 01:55:12 PM
i doubt that suicide is often the cause of one big event, but rather a series of events that eventually come to a head with the 'last straw'. 

I agree.  It makes me mad when I hear "she owed a lot of money", "his wife left" or whatever.  For me, that's a fighting reason against suicide.  It would be too galling to think of people saying "her library book was overdue" because I'd finally succumbed.

Hair grows back, darling.  If it doesn't, wigs are good these days.  I often wish I'd lose what's left of mine, because colouring it is expensive or a chore, but going about with a head like an expired dandelion is worse.

Quotei was p.o.'d that i was going to have to get back up once again and continue with the struggle (how many times can a person do this?), but it didn't turn out like that at all.  i'm convinced that this beast can be killed with love, and i feel it from all of you.  i know that i'm being love-bombed from all sides, from my regulars, from those who are new here (which is very touching), and from my hub and d. 

It makes me feel warm through and through to be included in the Sanmagical Coven!  We are witches casting love spells, like Samantha Stevens twizzling her nose.  You know what I tell myself whenever I think "Too much. Really, too much. I can't get up again from this"?  I think hey, I'm an old hand.  This isn't what I would have chosen, but it's what I do. What would I be doing with my life if I wasn't showing the world You can't keep a good woman down?

Quotejust like you all surrounded me as i was crossing the border and making my escape, you will all surround me again during another harrowing experience. 

One day last week I was in some horrible situation or another -- I've forgotten! -- and I remembered my people here.  Don't take this the wrong way, but y'all make a wonderful adjunct to the imaginary friends I've cultivated all my life.

Quotethis is the first time i haven't trusted a therapist, so it's a new and difficult feeling for me.  i want to have an open mind, but a part of me just doesn't know if i'm going to get stomped on yet again.  i've had enough mind smashing to last me a lifetime.

Of course! Me too.  Speaks flattering volumes about our minds, n'est-ce pas? Hope for the best and prepare for the worst is good sense when it comes to meeting a new T.

Quotein the meantime, i'm still reticent to get real involved with the forum right now.  i've got all this other stuff i'm sorting out, and i just don't trust myself to give coherent responses.

Do you honestly think anyone here will forget you?  Ever?  Because I know I won't.  Take the time you need.

Quote(i even feel guilty for not listing everyone's name here ...

Someone needs a hug real bad.  :bighug:





Oh! It was me... :rofl:

you do my heart so good, my darling candid.  a coven of love.  a loven.  made me smile.

and here's that hug right back atcha, sweetie      :bighug:

wise words from a wise woman - you really CAN'T keep a good woman down. 

i'm tired, but doing ok.  this stuff just gets wearing.  so, i'll wear it out, dammit!  with a little help from my friends.  yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello sanmagic7,

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. I can sense your power from here. I really do.  :hug:

P.S. I wanted to write before but it made me too self-conscious but I was thinking about you.

i'm so glad you wrote, berceuse.  thank you very much for your thoughts.  they are appreciated indeed.  each one gives me just that much more strength.  big hug to you, sweetie.

i need to write this down.  another realization/question popped up in this whack-a-mole land of c-ptsd. 

i'm now wondering if i have an alter.  or more than one.  there have been occasions, both in the past and lately, where i've found myself in a situation and it seemed like my personality had been replaced.  my demeanor turned gray (i'm usually a very colorful personality) and my voice became flat.  i've also noticed another, different form where i'm very chirpy and, again, my voice sounds different.  too over the top, even for me.  doesn't fit with my regular personality.

once, when going for an interview to be an intern to become a licensed addictions counselor, something i really wanted to do (i'd already gotten all the educational credentials i needed, loved the subject - just needed to intern for a year and a half in an addictions setting), it was like when i walked thru the door to the interviewer's office, my 'self' stayed behind.

what took her place was this almost morose, no personality, gray presence who sat in the chair, answering questions in a very flat voice.  i noticed it, but could do nothing about it.  as soon as i left the office, my regular personality returned.  i wasn't accepted into the program, and i'm sure it was because of how i presented myself.

just last month, when answering questions on the phone before my mri, that same personality and voice came back.  my answers were short, abrupt, and i felt all gray again, with a very flat voice.  couldn't stop it while it was going on, but as soon as i hung up the phone, my regular self returned.

earlier this week, there was a mix-up in a t appt., - they were expecting me but i didn't remember making the appt.  i do remember feeling scared that this t who i've been waiting to see for a month was going to tell me to forget it, don't bother coming back, and i was talking in this falsely (for me) chirpy voice - 'o, i'm so sorry', 'i'm so sorry', 'i don't know what happened'.

now, i usually have a lot of personality, and a warm, friendly voice, but this was not that.  it was much higher than usual, and almost desperate sounding.  i've noticed my voice being different at other times as well.  i don't know why.  when i walk, i say hi to people i pass, but i've now consciously recognized that it's not always in the same voice.  i'm confused.

having another person who takes over is a brand new concept applying it to myself, but i can't disregard this gray person with the flat voice.  thinking of my upcoming t appt. (consciousness right now),  i've been wondering how to present myself.  like i have a choice of several people who might show up, which clothes to wear, what kind of message to send, what kind of personality to show her. 

this is seeming strange to me as i'm writing about it.  don't know if this is normal.  never had these thoughts about this stuff with any other t.   i guess i'll have to do some research.  i've never lost track of time or anything like that, which is what i've always heard about alters.  still, it's like i'm being possessed.  that's the only way i can explain it.  am i worrying for nothing? 

just had to get this out, start learning something about it now.  another facet of me to explore, i guess.  i just don't know.  if anyone has any opinions/insight/comments, please, i'd love to know what you think.  i've been in a lot of anxiety-inducing situations in my life, but this kind of thing hasn't been a regular occurrence just because i'm anxious/nervous. 

Is it possible that they are letting you know they are here now because of how far you've come in your recovery?
Maybe it's a way for you to protect yourself in this new place of life? Could they be representations of yourself that you don't fully identify with, but are trying to let you know that they are still a part of you? I

I think it is important that you tell your T about this, your thoughts on it, your suspicions. And then ask her if she's "met" some of these alters before, or if she's suspected. It seems like you are making relevant discoveries about yourself.

I am not sure if they are alters, or not. I don't know enough of what that is like to give you an answer about that as I do not have any alters (that I am aware of). But I do hear voices, different kind of voices. Some kind, some not so much. Most of the time they just talk over my head, but I can communicate with them. And I know that's not the same thing at all, but I just wondered... Have you tried communicating with the grey, flat one, and the chirpy one?

How do you feel about it, besides being anxious? I hope I am not making you more confused, than you already were.

Remember to breathe.
:hug:

san, there's a whole thread running on alters / littles / inner children here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7376.0 Maybe if you post there, you'll get more replies from people on here who understand the topic better. I'm too tired to write anything else.

thanks, sceal and blueberry.

sceal, this is a brand new t, never seen her before, so she doesn't know me at all.  i don't even know if or how familiar she is with c-ptsd (her bio said trauma and ptsd), alexithymia, and depersonalization.  i know the alexithymia is not normally well known, and it's played a tremendously huge role in my life.

blueberry, i'll check this out.  thank you for the link.  i appreciate it. 

hugs to you both.

ok, quick entry.  my head is all a-flutter.  gotta go take a shower, am seeing a t for the first time today.  we'll see what happens.  i'm just gonna watch netflix till it's time to go.  wish me luck. 

 :grouphug:

Peace for your mind, friend, and hugs before you go to that appt.

I hope it was a good first meeting.

i have found what i've been looking for forever - a therapist who works like i do, both from the head and the heart.  finally, someone who will help me instead of harm me.  thank you, god.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2017, 02:02:24 AM
i have found what i've been looking for forever - a therapist who works like i do, both from the head and the heart.  finally, someone who will help me instead of harm me.  thank you, god.

:cheer:  :hug:  ;D

That is so wonderful to hear! I am truly happy for you.  :hug:

Amen and Amen! You have deserved a quality therapist forever. To finally have one is cause for celebration!  :fireworks:

Love, kindness and hugs being sent your way!

i am celebrating inside, altho i'm exhausted from the stress leading up to this. 

when i went into her office, the first thing i noticed was there was no couch, no pastel colors, no hotel pictures on the walls.  it wasn't like the offices of too many therapists i've been in.  i clutched my purse on my lap (never did that before - very protective gesture, protecting my gut, i believe) and cried as i began talking.  told her some of the story of the horrible therapist, some of it coming in whispers, crying, crying, crying.  she listened, asked a few gentle questions, made a few gentle statements.

i'd been telling her how i didn't trust therapists anymore because of all the horrid experiences i'd had with so many.  she made appropriate faces.  there was a lull.  out of the blue, she said 'i believe in magic.'  just like that.  and the world shifted, i knew i was with a like kin, said 'thank you, god', looked up to the ceiling, and put my purse on the chair next to me. 

we just chatted.  i have the sense that she was simply getting the feel of me.  at one point, i said, 'what do you want to do now?' and she took a beat, then said, 'i want to do more of this'.  direct.  her voice was strong but not overpowering, gentle but not that whimspery type voice that i can't stand.  it was sincere.  she told me she wanted to work with me.

i called my d when i got home, and i believe she cried with relief when i told her.  she told me that she was very worried about this cuz she was afraid that if it didn't work out, that i might be too tired to try again, what with everything else i'm dealing with.  i told her she was most probably right.

trust the magic.  it's always there even when we forget.  that's why the healing porch is magic.  it's one of our most powerful allies.  this was magic at work.  she told me she was honored to meet me a little ways into our conversation.  i asked 'why?'.  then she put it to me about what i've come thru to be there, to still be around, to still be looking for healing and resolution.  she said i was a miracle.  magic, indeed.

there's even more, but i'm tired now.  trust the magic.  aa, sceal, and wife2, thank you so much for your support.  i just love it and love you, too.  hugs all around.

That is beautiful to hear, San. I love that you have found a therapist that can connect with you, and work in the same ways that you do. You defintely deserve someone so perfectly understanding, and one that honors just what you have made it through. It may indeed me magic. It fits your screen name perfectly. I have only more hope that she continues to help you with all that you need  :hug: :cheer:

Hi SanMagic,
This is wonderful, I agree with Elphanigh - beautiful to hear that you have found a therapist who connects with you so well - what a great start. 
Hope  :)

am in an ef today because of the news, puerto rico, the darvo, - couldn't help but hear because the tv was on in the other room, and i had to pass thru to get food.  i've had enough narcissistic abuse in my life - i can't take more. started crying thinking of those dear people asking for help, and having it turned on them.  i have to get some better timing so i don't hear any more of this.

earbuds & loud music. ;)

Sending you some warm thoughts tonight.
It's indeed horrible what's happening over there, no words for it really. Try to take the best care of yourself you can today.

thanks 3roses and sceal.  i'm still here, just feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails.  my daughter's surgery is mon. a.m., early, so i'll be going over there tomorrow nite.  3 days of caretaking - so very stressful cuz my heart is involved.  i just have to make it to be there for her.  then i can collapse.

thank heaven i've got my t appt. thurs.  i'll be a mess, i'm sure.  more crying today.  i was triple-teamed by narcissist and misogynistic madness for so long, and the madness that's going on now finally took me down.   i am now officially scared, tho i don't want to admit it.  i've been keeping that bear at bay for quite awhile, but it's out of the woods now.  i was sure before, now i don't know, i really don't know.  i'm just glad i'm near my d. 

Want to pass on the warmest hugs and all of the healing feelings your way. I am a bit young to be a Mother Earth spirit like you, but I have been told I am great at comforting hugs and warm thoughts. You can stay wrapped in my arms as long as you want, taking comfort and shelter there during these difficult times. I come with a shoulder for tears, blankets for any purpose, and warm comforting tea/snacks of your choosing.

I adore you San, and know just how strong you have had to be. Let us all help support you right now. We will help you through this

you brought tears of i don't know exactly what but they were good tears, el.  i am resting in your arms right now, and it is a relief.  thank you so much for making yourself available to me.  it's so appreciated. 

earth mother spirit in the making, you lovely thing.  now i'm smiling.  that feels good, too.  deep breath, tension loosening.  wow - you hit me smack dab where i needed it.  you're beautiful. 

It is an honor to be able to be available to you. I love that you allow me to help, and nurture. Rest in my arms as long as you need, dear. Tears and smiles are both welcome, as are words or any other thing than you need to feel.

I love that I am a Mother Earth spirit in the making. I have always been hurting, but don't feel that I have enough wisdom and such yet. It made me smile to hear you call me that. I want to be as good at it as you are one day.

Glad to have hit you where you needed it. I am sitting here with you tonight, and always. Much love

i will never forget this.  thank you.

You're very welcome. I am glad to have given you something you won't forget.  :hug:

Quote from: Hope66 on September 29, 2017, 05:55:30 PM
Hi SanMagic,
This is wonderful, I agree with Elphanigh - beautiful to hear that you have found a therapist who connects with you so well - what a great start. 

:yeahthat: bucketfuls of it

hope, 3roses, sceal, el, blueberry - i don't have enough words.  thank you so much for all your support.  i know wife2 and others are in there as well.  you have saved me so often, i can't even count the times anymore.

i'm just waiting now, asking for the strength needed to get me thru these next few days so i can fully be there for my darling d.  that's my focus.  you'll all be with me, my protectors, my shield, my support.  bless you all.

Sending you loads of love, support and strenght from my little corner of the world.   :hug:

my d's surgery went better than expected.  12 hr. day, so we're all beat.  i'm at her place, go home tomorrow.  looking forward to my own bed, routine, etc.  back here on sat. for my birthday, which is nice.  pizza, cake and ice cream, and a movie.  very sweet of the 'kids' to do this for me.  the big 7-0.  looking forward to it.  just gotta get thru this week.  i'm make it.

Yum! Here's wishing you a happiest of birthdays ahead of time!
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

First, I'm glad your D is alright. Breathe, now, Mama. You're baby is going to get better now.

Second - How fun, pizza and cake. Happy Birthday to you! And, yes, you technically COULD be my Mom, but I'd rather have you as my 'older-wiser' sister, if that's OK with you :-)

Still, if I don't make it by the forum before then - Happy Birthday, we're glad you were born!  :grouphug:

Glad to hear the surgery went well, san. ^^
If it's alright, I wish you a happy birthday. :D Glad you exist, glad to have met you.

3 roses, as always, thanks for the fireworks - they always bring a smile to my heart.  so sweet of you to remember.

wife2, of course, sisters of the heart.  i've had enough 'mom' stuff, don't need any more kids.  you are my darling sister, always.

aa, birthday wishes are always welcome.  thank you so much. 

my daughter is healing, won't have to go thru the pain anymore as soon as she heals fully - that's the best birthday i could ever ask for.  except, of course, to have my other daughter back.  but, there it is.  we can't always get what we want, right mick?   i'm grateful for what i've got, tho, and won't let the other overshadow this blessed thankfulness i feel for my darling d.  she's so wonderful.  hoping for sunshine and lolli;pops and rainbows for her from now on.   i guess i got the oldies goin' on today.  love and hugs all around.

i so appreciate such kind words from all of you.  zing go the strings of my heart.  i can feel you, and i love that - love all of you, too.  you're the best.  thank you.  hugs all around.

Happy birthday!
So glad to hear the operation went well! That's the best news anyone can get! You can celebrate twice as much now!
I hope your daughter will go through recovery smoothly!  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

 :party: :cake: :phoot:


:wave:

Lingurine

therapy today.  she's great. 

she asked what i wanted from her, i told her i didn't know.  i'd written on the intake form that i wanted healing and resolution.  when she asked me what healing looked like for me, i told her i didn't know, that i feel like i keep getting worse cuz more stuff keeps popping up that i have to deal with.

so, that's my goal.  healing.  nurturing relationships, which she is beginning to establish with me.  and that i'm basically supposed to stop 'doing'.  stop getting the info, doing the research, everything connected with this beast that i've been doing, and, instead, not do.  i spent a lot of time crying.

my birthday party is put on hold - just finished talking to my daughter.  too much energy.  plus, it turns out that she's been 'doing' too much already after her surgery just cuz it went so well.  so, we're both floating in that unknown gelatinous arena of 'not doing' for awhile until we're more stable and healed.

neither of us know how to do that real well.    practice, for sure.  i think i'll have to stop posting very much for a bit, until i get some balance with this.  i may come here to my journal - i'm starting a new one for my birthday.   this one was called 'let the healing begin' and it really hasn't.  so, new title, new inner focus, new way to be. 

i feel totally helpless in her office.  i know so little about me and what i need from a visceral angle.   i told her about an incident w/ a t that i fired, she told me that what had happened was trauma.  i never saw it that way.  i think i'm more wounded and more fragile than i thought.  but i just kept plugging on, just kept roaring thru it.  'i can handle this' syndrome.

i want you all to know that when i went down for my nap today, i saw you all surrounding me, protecting and nurturing me so that i could get some sleep that i badly needed.  you are real to me, and so helpful, and i can't thank you enough for your encouragement and support.  i'm sorry that i won't be able to be very interactive with you for awhile, but know that i love and accept and support each and every one of you in every way possible.  i just may not be able to express it for a bit.

so, let the healing begin.

 :hug:

 :bighug:

That sounds healthy to me san

:hug:

Lingurine

 :hug: :hug: lots of hugs for this new stage in the adventure. Happy early birthday just in case I don't get to tell you tomorrow.

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Dear San,
Whether your birthday is a few days past or tomorrow (I'm quite confused, but it doesn't matter)  :cake: :party: :phoot: :fireworks: :sunny:

and otherwise it sounds good with your new T and good that both you and your d are taking time to just be. Not overdo it and all that. I'm sure we can celebrate your birthday on the Healing Porch though, if you like. Even if that just means that we surround you, offering what you might need in the way of drinks or snacks and blankets, healing blankets, while you sleep or while you just relax and enjoy what you can see from your spot on the Porch.  :hug: :hug:

thank you all.  for everything.

i won't be back here for awhile.  everything is triggering right now, and i have to stay away from this, from the news, and just kind of hibernate so that i can do some healing.  i've become overwhelmed by too much in too short a time.  you are with me - i do surround myself with you, or visit the porch.  it's all i can manage.  don't know when i'll be back. 

you're all brave and wonderful, and don't let anyone tell you different, not your ic's or oc's or anyone in between.  they're wrong.  love and peace.

May peace, love and healing follow wherever you go.  :hug: :wave:

I am wishing you well, San. ^^ Take your time. :)

Warm thoughts your way Sanmagic! I hope you will find ways to ground yourself.
Big hug!  :bighug:

I wish you all teh best san. Healing and non-triggering people and situations.  :hug: :hug:

thank you sceal and blueberry.  i started a new journal now.  this one's done.  thank you all for everything.