Messages

Thank you Blueberry, Kizzie, and brightlight for your kind thoughts

It's nice to be able to be open about tough topics

I have started listening to the podcasts. May eventually choose to start going live and sharing.

I will say, the mods do a great job, and it seems to be a good group of ppl who join in.

I wanted to give one trigger warning, though, since I know some folks with CPTSD have experienced abuse in a religious context: 
Although they welcome ppl of all faiths or lack of faith, and they seem to really mean it, there are occasional references made to God/faith. Also, at least one meeting ended with the Serenity Prayer, led by one of the mods... This really caught me by surprise...

I figured I should mention, in case this could be an issue for anyone. They really do embrace all ppl, though, so don't feel like you'd have to participate in parts of the meeting that may not resonate

Brightlight, I feel for you that you're in so much pain. I totally get it, too.

I've been struggling for decades, and I wish that, looking back, I could say that "it was all worth it!", but I can't. There doesn't seem to be anything redeeming for me after all's been said and done, and it would have saved me much pain if I had just died a long time ago. I've been wanting that since at least age 8 (but I don't know that I'd ever actually attempt, just to be clear...) Honestly, I would rather my F had killed me than kept me alive such that I'd have to trudge through this "life"; he was too much of a coward to take it up to that level, so I couldn't even be granted that kindness

Sorry so candid, but I think without honesty, there's no hope whatsoever for growth or healing. So here's to honesty and openness. I hope it's of some comfort to you that you're not alone in this

Hi oceanstar,
Yes, I pretended. I feel sick that I did it, but I also realize it was an essential survival move. FWIW, I posted about this topic a few months ago. Rather than rehashing it, here's the link, if you're interested:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13059.msg97056#msg97056

I've also wondered whether ppl (esp. my stepM), might not believe that I had been abused by my F as a little girl because she always witnessed my kissing up to him later on, when she came into the picture (and after the beatings had stopped, but the rage carried on). She probably thought my eventual estrangement from him, once I was an adult, was because I'm just rotten inside.

Yeah...

Thank you, Slim

It's astounding how alone and "in a deep, dark pit" I feel when my brain is revving on these terrible ruminations. I'm grateful to you guys for sharing on this topic, as it takes away some of that darkness and brings in light

I've studied up a bit, and the impression I get is that ketamine can really help some folks with complex trauma. It seems to work best with IV or intramuscular injection, and when the patient is induced into a deep dissociative state. However, that state can constitute a really frightening trip for some (def not all). Also, at least where I am, it's very expensive (insurance won't cover) to do in a clinical setting with IV, and the treatment doesn't work for all, and even for those who see some success, they generally need to go back for a redo at regular intervals, so... cha-ching!!

I'd love to try it, but can't justify the expense for something that may not work and probably won't last long. So frustrating that some of the more effective brute-force treatments are effectively out of reach for most ppl

You're welcome to put up a post under "Announcements" inviting members to contact you if they're interested. It sounds like you have Zoom figured out and that members could preserve their anonymity.

I'll bet there would be some takers if you decided to do this, Chris. I think the key is providing anonymity

I can totally relate...    

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I've been mulling over your words and they've brought me some comfort, and new ideas

My brain seems unable to stop ruminating on things that have caused me pain, rage, and/or humiliation/rejection. It's making my life miserable. It feels like, short of a lobotomy or drugging myself into oblivion all day long, the only other "solution" is of the mind-over-matter sort, where it's up to me to "decide" to move on and put it all behind me. A lot of the self-help stuff I've come across seems to suggest that if I continue to suffer indefinitely, it must be because I enjoy playing the victim, and I'm just not trying hard enough, etc. Here's an example of what I'm talking about: https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/

The suggestions in the article just felt flippant and facile to me, sort of like someone telling me, "Just become a millionaire!" as a solution proffered for my inability to pay my bills. The message in this (and other things I've read) almost make me feel shamed by my stuckness in past pain. Like it's all my fault that I'm in this situation. Sure... I realize that my life would be infinitely better if I was no longer affected by my painful past, and I realize that it will take some sort of doing on my part, but I have yet to learn of any actionable ways out of the abyss that truly work for me. Thought work (e.g., CBT, DBT techniques), radical self-compassion, and mindfulness all help a little bit, temporarily, but I still end up falling back into the old thought patterns despite what feels like much effort on my part... I'm so worn out and despondent anymore, I'm wondering whether there's hope for me. I don't "enjoy playing the victim" at all. It's downright miserable to go through life this way. 

Is there anyone here who suffered (long-term) from toxic ruminations about the past, but then found lasting relief? If so, I'd be keen to hear what worked for you. Maybe the ultimate question is, should we be able to control our thoughts and feelings? I can fully accept that I'm in control of my own behaviors and actions, but it's the thoughts/feelings that are causing me ongoing distress and I'm skeptical as to whether they're at all under my control. Should they be? What am I doing wrong that I can't magically, like the author advises, let go of the pain?

When I read articles like the one above, it makes me wonder whether my brain was simply too damaged by complex trauma to ever be ok, or whether maybe I'm just genetically too "unresilient" to ever get over the awful ruminations and live a tolerable life. Maybe (most) others can and I simply can't. How would I know?

So lost...

brightlight, I'm so sorry that that was done to you, both as a child and later in life, and that you felt you had no safe place to be, growing up. It's a horrible thing to have to stilll be dealing with the fallout, psychologically and physically and relationship-wise 

Your Inner Child poem really captures that alienation that feels so familiar. It so resonates with my own experiences

My goodness, what a terrible position for your M to have put you in with that birthday party, and abandoned little you there! And why couldn't the other M have made the minimal effort to include you, choosing instead to reject you harshly in front of an audience? That must have been so painful, embarrassing, and confusing to you as an 8 yo. Kids that age don't have the perspective to know that it's not them, it's the adults behaving atrociously

searcher, it has affected me in too many ways: relationships, work, school, sense of self, sense of the world around me. I was well into middle age by the time I was diagnosed, though I'd had symptoms for decades. I'm tired, disillusioned, and don't have a ton of faith that I'll ever be "ok", but I'm still searching, like you

I'm sorry that you're suffering, too

I should add, as far as participating in studies, I've been keeping an eye out myself, as I'm also interested (especially in the potential for healing through careful administration of psychedelics, as they apparently hold much promise). But in my country, anyway, the only opportunities I've seen are studies that require that volunteers be veterans. I haven't seen anything for folks whose trauma is non-combat-related. I think this is because most funding for PTSD research comes from military budgets...