tired

[arpy1]

hey tired, just catching up as i have been in the doldrums for a couple weeks and missed the last few posts.  what can i say? i feel for you and i hope you are managing to be kind to yourself. kudos for getting p....d off with feeling like the doormat.  you go girl!!

got to say this, i think you are growing alot lately, even tho i know you have been finding things so hard.  just wanted you to know that, so you can feel a bit encouraged becos i don't think it's easy to see it for ourselves sometimes. your kids have got a good mum who deals with her stuff. try and believe that (i also know how hard it is to do that, but try anyway!)

much support, 

[tired]

arpy1: thank you for saying that i'm making progress.  it's hard to tell sometimes.

i seem to have a setback every time i have some moment of feeing successful.  i was just telling someone how great work is going then i got a message from a client that her neck hurts.  i feel terrible.  sometimes exercises hurt the neck and i suppose it's not entirely avoidable. but people come to me because i claim to move slowly to avoid injury.

i think i have this problem:  when i'm training people i have a plan and i know i should move them slowly.  sometimes though i feel like i'm barely doing anything. i think, here is someone who came to me to make them work hard and what am i doing? a couple of stretches, a tiny weight?  they want to feel like they are moving.  so i try to add in a couple of things and i always ask "do you think this movement would be ok" if there's a question.  then it turns out, no that movement isn't ok.

the truth is that my neck hurts a lot of the time, and i'm often told to do things (by my workout buddy who can run and jump and all kinds of stuff) but when i try, i get hurt. it goes away and i remind myself not to push myself.  so maybe it's just how it goes sometimes. i read that even if the training program is designed to prevent injury, the rate of injury in the first 6 months is something like 90 percent.  i don't know what this means exactly, because it's vague. what's an injury worth reporting?

i hate it when clients don't feel good after a workout and it makes me so depressed i feel like i have no business trying to help anyone. 

i want to cut through the self-criticism and figure out if there's anything i can do differently. i know there is; i can write down the routine more meticulously and not stray from it.  i tend to write it but go by how the client is feeling which usually leads to toning it down, rather than speeding it up. 

i'm depressed about this and worried.  maybe i'm too sick to be doing this.  maybe i should pick something more benign where it's impossible to hurt anyone.

[arpy1]

i know how easy it is to lose confidence with stuff like this  .  it triggers so many critic attacks it must be hard to cope with. 

from where i am standing though, it sounds to me like you are a responsive, flexible trainer and that's a good thing. and imo, exercise, sorry to say, does hurt sometimes. muscles and ligaments that don't want to move, haven't necessarily been moved much for a while, suddenly get asked to move and they don't like it. that's my experience, anyway. i always get paid back with soreness when i take another step with it.  doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. 

i only ever got one 'injury' from it and that was when i tried too heavy a weight... hurt my back, no exercise for a few months. but my back is problematic anyway, so i didn't blame the trainer. i just waited till it improved and took more care next time.   

try and hang on to the fact that this situation has triggered you and deal with it as such, rather than letting it make you catastrophise and think you're doing it all wrong.  you are good at what you do.

much support 

[tired]

i wrote her back and said i would feel better if she asked a doctor before we started again and she just needed to rest it for a week.  i said i looked through a list of what we did and i think i know what might have aggravated things and we will tone down the workouts until it settles down.  if i injured someone bad enough to be out of commission for weeks, let alone months, i would be mortified. 

i think what bothers me is that i worry that i am not capable of thinking straight.  the only yardstick i have is that as far as personal trainers go, i am very careful and responsive and i have more education.  i have this wish that i would have a personal assistant who is familiar with cptsd issues and can follow me around and point out anything i'm doing that is off.  i wish i knew someone who also has the same problem who can see what i'm doing and tell me if i'm seeing myself clearly.

on another topic my nutrition is so bad.  whenever i don't eat enough i get sick and there's a flu going around.  i get calories, through juice mostly, but that's not food.  i'm using it to prevent myself from binging at least for a few days at a time, because when i binge i feel bloated and i can't function.  i get so paranoid about food and even vitamins. i wish i could find liquid vitamins that i can add to juice . i'm sure i can. i'm even afraid of coffee now so i had redbull not that it's any better.  i'm what they call a weird eater. maybe i should take lysine; they say it prevents the flu.

ok i have a client, and she seems happy with the last two sessions we have, and wants to pay for 6 sessions at once which i don't require so i guess i'm not so bad. i think i have imposter syndrome and i think people like what i seem to be but then they will find out the truth and run away for their own protection. how does one know if they have imposter syndrome or if they are really just a big faker?  i think i'm a faker.  i've made a ton of forms and things to make my fitness training systematic and that actually helps because it keeps the emotional me out of the picture so as long as i only do what my forms say, i'm confident .

i think i'm upset about my mom and i'm obsessed with wishing i would get that call-she is old, over 80 now, and i just want it to end. it's a bad thing to say but i just want this drama to be over.  maybe if she just said "i won't talk to you ever again" i would feel better, like it's done .  she used to tell me, you're so wishy washy.  i don't know why i just remembered that. you know what, she got that from charlie brown and lucy, where she tells him he's wishy washy.  why would you say that to a kid, especially if you just said it to be funny and use a phrase you just learned?  is it against the rules of the forum to say i hate her? 

[arpy1]

What you feel is what you feel, tired. and it's not like you're going to act out is it! the whole mum thing is such a big trigger for you, no wonder you feel weary from it all.  sending you a big from me, to help you to remember to be compassionate to yourself.

i wrote her back and said i would feel better if she asked a doctor before we started again and she just needed to rest it for a week.  i said i looked through a list of what we did and i think i know what might have aggravated things and we will tone down the workouts until it settles down.

perfectly reasonable and professional response, imo!.  and proof that in your professional capacity you most certainly were thinking straight!  i really understand why you're feeling insecure about it, but i firmly believe you are a.o.k on this.

re the imposter thing, i guess most of us here can relate to feeling like this. it sucks, but i reckon it's more to do with flashbacking than with truth.  maybe if you tried to treat it as an EF and manage it that way? don't know, it might help.

on the food issue, i am currently (after months of drug-induced over-eating!)  not wanting to eat at all. so i am going to buy some Complan and drink my meals whenever i can't face eating solid stuff. that and multivits and i can't worry about it any more.   

more  to you, keep going, you are more ok than you can feel at the moment.  support n peace x

[tired]

I had a bad cold and didn't have clients last week. I started to question myself and my ability to work but I went back to my idea of doing what I can and no more no less. I'm a fitness trainer and I'm good at listening and solving everyday problems. I'm not the greatest at any of those and I make mistakes but that doesn't mean I shouldn't work at all.

[tired]

so the client i had who had neck pain ended up with a two week migraine and went to the doctor.  she messaged me yesterday and said the doctor cleared her for exercise and she is coming back.  i feel a lot better. she's a very cautious person who has been through some car accidents and worries a lot about her neck and for her to come back must mean she's pretty ok with me. but i'm going to really concentrate on everything i'm doing and not move so fast. i feel like i don't deserve any money so i tend to try to cram a lot into a session, to make it worth their while, but this end up translating into people moving too fast, or too much.

anyway. my mother sent me another message (the third so far) this time apologizing for anything she said and telling me to forgive her. not asking me but telling me. i mean if it were me i would just say sorry and leave it at that but she wants something from me because again, it's about her.

her voicemails have been pretty amusing in a way. the first one was a little snippy, demanding i call because after all she's my mother.  the second one was a "woe is me" message, sounding miserable and pathetic .  the last one was apologetic.  but they were all demanding.  you must call me/pick up the phone/forgive me.  it made me feel like the whole point of the message was to get what she wants.  it wasn't just an unconditional statement of something. like, hi, hope you're ok, thinking about you, love you.  more like, i miss you , i want to talk to you, therefore you must call me.

[arpy1]

so glad about the client, tired, hopefully you'll feel more confident with her now.  remember it's more about quality not quantity! she obviously values what you do, so what you earn from her is just that - Earned!. you earned it becos you're good at what you do and she thinks so too.  just had to say that!!   

you are so wise to your mum's manipulative behaviours!  i have to admit, it sounds just like my ex's   .  i wish i'd got wise to him before i did, but i guess it's a learning process like anything else.  keep strong, dear tired, and remember it's right to protect yourself. that's the most important thing. her feelings and demands are hers alone, but your emotional safety is paramount. supporting you mega lots.

[Dutch Uncle]

[tired]

now that i feel more confident and secure about work i am returning to the mess that is my daughter's education.  i feel like life is just one failure after another and when i fix one thing, another falls apart. last year i didn't even think about work at all so i could help her with schoolwork.  then i got back to work, and now i realize she is not learning anything in chemistry. i know it's my fault. i don't know why i missed this but i guess being preoccupied with my own stuff is probably the cause. 

i'm ashamed of myself right now and whenever i get mad at my mother i think, well what am i doing?  my kid failed a chemistry test and i just realized it now.  she started to cry, telling me she studied a lot, even more than she needed to and doesn't understand why she got such a bad grade.

i have to sit and figure this out. we had a chem tutor but she was unreliable and finally sent me a text saying she was going into rehab haha.  figures. i should probably just help her myself which means i have to brush up on the topic. 

i feel so guilty about all the time i spend on myself.  i've been angry all day at my mom and how self centered she is and yet when i think of my day it's all full of stuff i want to do.  ok so it's laundry and dishes and one client.  and i took a nap because i have a cold.

i think--- i think the problem is attention deficit and a tremendous amount of trouble staying on track with anything. i go off and do laundry and forget that i had planned to do something else.

i have lists but maybe not enough.  i tend to avoid them because they make me feel discouraged when i don't finish what's on them.

i'm a bundle of nerves. i was upset about the test grade and got mad then i said i'm not mad at you because you did your job and studied. i'm just mad at the situation and i feel like i let you down.  i hate yelling at her and i hate making her feel bad and it all gives me a headache and i don't likebeing that person. i'm not that person. i'm actually a calm person deep down, i swear.  but on the outside i appear to be a disaster. 

[arpy1]

hey hon, sorry you are feeling so cr*p   .  been feeling pretty similar myself lately, majorly triggered and ef's all day every day. wearisome, eh? listen, i don't want to be invasive in your journal so if you would rather i don't respond like this, do say, won't you? it's just i seem to relate to loads of stuff with you and it sparks things for me. but only if it is helpful for you, ok? let me know.

i had two underachievers and major headaches with both of them.  from the perspective of hindsight, i can only say, tired, maybe try not to take the blame for stuff that isn't yours.

from the 'rational' standpoint, which i know doesn't help a lot when you're so triggered, but i'll put it in anyway for when you feel a bit better:  there could be a zillion reasons why the test grade was low: she might have felt crummy that day, had pmt, got nerves, had a falling out with a classmate, or just maybe had studied stuff that didn't appear in that partic paper...  and none of them are your or her fault.

i think you are amazing that you are willing to get down and help her even if it means having to brush up your chemistry, especially if you have trouble concentrating. wow. i wish i had a mum who'd done that.  and i know how hard it is, becos i tried to do it for mine and it wasn't easy.

it might help to contact her chem teacher and see if she can shed any light or maybe help in some way? depends on the school and the teacher, i know.

i wish it were easy but it isn't. but you are not and never were a failure. you have nothing to beat yourself up over. honest. you are conscientious and despite dealing with a very difficult illness in cptsd you are doing your best and actually doing everything right as far as i can see. no one could ask for more.

all i can suggest is poke a big stick at your inner critic who just loves to try and kick your feet out from under you. you are ok. promise.

[tired]

i feel better knowing someone is reading it otherwise i get that nobody cares feeling.

[tired]

I realized something . It occurred to me that when I get irritable with my daughter it's because I don't feel confident in my parenting.  I don't feel free to be the kind of parent I know I should be and want to be so I have this anxiety and in that moment I'm not really clear about what I'm saying.  I'm not confident because 1. My mother flat out told me I'm not good at things and the list is long and 2. If I do act like a good parent it will make my mother seem like a monster in comparison so instead I try to be less than I am . So in comparison my mom can seem like she made a few mistakes . 

[Dutch Uncle]

2. If I do act like a good parent it will make my mother seem like a monster in comparison so instead I try to be less than I am . So in comparison my mom can seem like she made a few mistakes .

Wow. What a tough thing to realize, but also so beautiful, dear Tired. 
I hope and wish this will be of comfort to you:
"I hereby give you permission to be the mom who you are and the mom you want to be, regardless if this will make your own mom look like a monster. You are not responsible for making your mom look like a monster by what you do, that has been her responsibility and doing all along.
You may scare away 'monster-mom' by being the mom you are. Shine your light! You don't have to scare her away by being not the mom that you are, by keeping the curtains drawn."


I bet you are a great mom. 

[arpy1]