Before reading I want to point out that I am not sure what the difference is between emotion and feeling and I might have gotten it wrong in my text. I thought they were synonyms till I looked it up. The difference in definitions confused me so I decided to just keep my text as it is.
Today I told myself what no other person have been able to understand that I need to hear. I told myself that it's okay to take a break; it's okay to lower my ambitions and it's okay to lower the demands that I have on myself. What that means in practice is that it's okay for me to quit my education.
I guess it makes sense that only I know what I need to hear, especially when I have been so incapable of opening up to others. How are people supposed to understand that I cannot regain motivation to complete my study, when the origin of my lack of motivation roots back to unwillingness to live? With this realisation, I also understand what I need to do in order to regain control over my life, my emotions and mental well-being. The issue is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. Therefore, I need to find a place where I enjoy living in. I am done living for others.
I remember when my therapist told me to think of how my parents or my sibling would feel if I commited suicide. That I should think of them, their feelings and reaction in order to keep myself from harming myself. I remember thinking that it made no sense to me, not logically or emotionally. How is guilt supposed to motivate me into living? You are telling me the only reason I should keep on living is for the feelings of others? Guilt-tripped into living, what a motivator. Guilt has already been the primary emotional state during my entire life. Guilt has never been a motivational emotion for me. It has surpressed me, disabled me and stupefied me.
Wanting to live is an emotional state. I have memories of a feeling where the thought of living felt easy, enjoyable and possible. I felt it in my body. I remember the feeling as warm, energetic and light (I even thought there was a possibility I would lift from the ground and float). I don't know if the experience is relatable. But a feeling like this is rare for me. Most of my life has been depression or numbness. Knowing there are other feelings or other emotional states, and that I am able to experience them, are motivational. I just havn't lived in a way that let me feel, happy, I guess?
I wrote this text because I had an urge to share what I view as an accomplishment and step forward in recovery to a community who understands the difficulties living with emotional confusion. When I told myself that it's okay to quit my education I started crying because I felt relief. I have accepted my situation, understand what I need to do in order to move forward and I feel motivated to focus and take charge of my recovery process, as for today at least. I also felt like it's important to save my reflection, because I might need to go back and remind myself to allow relief.
dear cookido,
so glad you were able to realize all this for yourself, and i back you up in wanting to take back control of your life all the way. i can totally relate to that feeling. i've also had times where i made a decision that brought me to tears for the same reason you describe. it is relief and it is liberating.
living for others constantly is a drag - it dragged me down farther and farther. it was only when i began living in ways that benifitted my life that i finally felt a sense of freedom.
what a huge decision you made. that took a lot of guts, courage, and fierce willingness to take on life on your own terms. sending love and a hug full of sustenance to keep you going on your individual path.
Cookido, I dont know what to say — your reflection beautifully expresses where you are. A step forward, yes! And for keeping it around to remind you later to enjoy the relief you gave yourself. (You know your ‘self’ and you are loving it!) I get this. Many times, that ‘emotional confusion’ distorts the choice I made to live on my own terms. The distortion is not real but ‘choosing me’ and how I ‘sight’ it, becomes my way through. Your choice of words and tone resonate with me.
I especially enjoyed your visual of lifting from the ground and floating! I do relate. I was a flyer in my youth, too. When I remember what made me happy back then, it brings me present. Saying to myself, ‘What is happening right now? What am I doing to make the life I imagine?’ Recognizing that your lifestyle limits your ability to know more states of emotion is amazing! It means you are changing. Your writing is open, mindful, and willing to explore. May the energy of these emotional states sustain you, while you venture into becoming who you are.
Cookido, I would like to write more but I have to go. Emotional writing takes me longer to do (I feel so much; I struggle to put it to words) but its so worth the wait. I will get back to you with more —- your inquiry about a motivation to live, hit me in the right spot. Thank you.
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They are standing
sanmagic7 thank you, your words are always so warm and supportive. I'm looking forward to exploring this new sense of freedom. It's strengthenigh for me to hear that you have been able to live on your own terms. It gives me hope that I will be able to do the same.
milk thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad I was able to express myself in a way that is relatable, because it helps knowing that my thoughts and feelings are shared with others. I liked how you pointed out that all this is part of me finding myself, or my identity. I don't think many people who are close to me would understand or relate to my post here, and therefore this community and you sharing your own experience and thoughts are very meaningful to me. Even though you are far away, and a text on an internet forum, it still puts me in a state of not feeling or being alone. Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Today is a fuzzy mess of side effects from the antidepressants that I've started taking two days ago. I am generally against taking medicine that, in my point of view, covers up symptoms before treating them. I have this idea that I should be able to function and get better without the help of substances, especially when they have an effect on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.
Last time I used antidepressants I noticed a huge change in my persona. I became extrovert, socialized with people, had energy to study and work, give time to hobbies and relationships. However, I cannot remember feeling anything. I remember being active, but it was also dull. I was going on auto-pilot. When I stopped with the medicine I also ended the new relationships I had started, I quit work and basically went back to what I was before. Either the medicine made me a better version of myself or it made me another person. I am not sure. I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember and therefore I strongly integrate it with my identity and personality.
Most of my life has been finding out who I am as a person. I ponder, really, not ever coming to any conclusions. As a child my thoughts mainly concerned more shallow personality traits such as gender (am I really a girl if I don't wear make-up or enjoy discussing boys?) or appearance. Today I feel secure, both gender and appearance wise (even though childish thoughts about my blemish skin makes me wanna dig a hole, hide in it and never to be seen again). As of today, my thoughts mainly surround how I am being percieved by others and how I percieve myself.
Is it possible to have a complete opposite view of oneself from what others have of you? The eye sees everything but itself. But who's view of me is the correct one, my own or others? I have gathered some of the words that have been used to describe me from various people in my life. These are the ones that I remember strongly and that has stuck with me. They are subjective, sometimes they have been said in the heat of the moment, others are more repeated over time. Some mean more to me than others.
Sweet, intelligent, nice, cold - my ex and closest friend
Non judgemental, open-minded - friend
Hard worker, strong-willed - coworker
Angry, intelligent - therapist
Funny, sweet, intelligent, down to earth - new partner
Selfish, respectless, stubborn - mom
Creative, stubborn, one with integrity - dad
Sloppy - brother
I realise when watching this that even though most of them are positive, it's my mother and fathers words that I most strongly feel describes how I view myself. It's frustrating that I can't seem to cut loose from their upbringing.
This last part gave me a lot of thinking to do. I can't really sort it out enough to put it in text yet, but I feel as if this writing gave me some insight. Maybe I'll continue the subject later.
I think we know ourselves best. Sometimes it's harder to see our strengths and positive characteristics so it's nice to have them emphasized by the people who know and care about us.
I've been thinking of this today because of another post, I think our family members are the people who have the hardest time seeing us objectively. Maybe it's because they feel they have somehow invested in us? Idk. I guess I just really believe that if someone sees me negatively or criticizes me without cause, it has more to do with the weakness they see in themselves and want to deny or ignore. It isn't necessarily accurate. Just my two cents. 💜
The eye sees everything but itself.
This is a true thing.
Much more difficult than that is finding the true others who are willing to share with you in an uncritical way.
Without them you are left in the quagmire of bovine faeces. Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.
**Cookido, I just realized this is a journal and I have started a discussion that would be best moved to a thread outside your journal. I apologize for my negligence. Could we move this post to a new thread?
—-
The eyes see everything but itself.
There are other senses. When I read this, I thought about it and realized I know myself through touch, feeling in the body. Sight gives me reference, its surface oriented, the deeper knowledge comes from touch/feeling — its the movement within a space.
If a person knows one’s self through all the senses, what does one find out? How does one assign validity to the knowledge? Perhaps, the variations one chooses, develops attunement to one’s authentic nature.
The quagmire of bovine faeces.
If one knows one’s self while walking through the bovine faeces, it will be humility that leads the way, still yet, not the best place to dine. True, others who show one the direction in an uncritical way are rare.
Cookido (a pleasing aesthetic) you are most welcome for the comments. The closeness you feel is mutual.
I am returning to your thoughts about your parents and I am thinking about how parents perceive their children as they grow. This is of particular interest to me. I remember clearly the day I saw my mother’s projected view of me (distorted) when I was in my first somewhat (working through our guises) healthy relationship in my early thirties. I saw the parent not wanting me to make a mistake and taking away from my learning experience, I saw the woman (parent) hurting when she thought of her own love relationship, I saw myself growing, by acting on what I needed and asking this of my partner. It felt weird to recognize all these facets; it was a liberating weird.
This experience gave me practice in compassion for myself and others — to me, this meant letting things be as they are (recognizing what is out of my control), with me moving forward in a liberating weird way. The heaviness of worry lifted; I now prefer a light weighted existence, I get it when I can.
Three Roses, thank you for your reply and reflections. I think you are probably right about people projecting their own insecurities on others. What you wrote about how people close to us emphazise our strenghts resonates with me because it's something I can believe in, or it makes sense to me. I'm not sure how to explain my thoughts regarding this but it's positive and I'm glad you shared.
Boy22, I am not sure how to understand your reply if I'm being honest. I interpret it as quite negative or hopeless, or at least the last sentence "Turn whatever way you wish it is all BS.".
milk, I don't mind that you started the discussion here, it doesn't bother me. I will keep writing my journal. Also, I'm not sure how to move the thread, or I don't feel like trying either haha. Regarding what you wrote about our parents and how they percieve us. I have been thinking more of how I percieve my parents. I realised quite early on how human they are, that they are not all knowing or perfect. I used to idolize them as a child, but slowly I came to recognize their imperfections. I still call them mom and dad, but I have come to view them more as friends than parents. I think this is a mutual feeling. ((After this I started to spin off into another direction than answering you and I realised that the next part is more fitting for my journal than a reply to you. Therefore I split the text from here on out. But anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts milk, they produce a lot of reflections from my side.))
I am unable to recall any feelings of unconditional love from them as parents would have for their children. I think this is what has always been missing in my life. That hole that has always existed in me, cold, dark and deep. The feeling inside is very real, so real I wouldn't be surprised if I looked down and saw the hole on my chest. I try to fill it with love from friends or partners, but the hurtful truth is that it cannot be filled. I am marked for life with the knowledge of not ever have been truly loved by the people who gave birth to me and raised me. I realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.
good for you, cooki, of embracing your reality, even if it isn't pleasant. i've done similar things along the way, and for me it's actually always helped me move forward. i hope it helps you as well. love and hugs, sweetie.
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Quote from: Cookido on November 27, 2018, 10:37:27 PMI realise this might sound depressing, but I am able to write about it because I have somewhat accepted this truth. I have always wondered what that hole is, why I sometimes feel it stronger and other times barely at all. Usually I denied its existance but I realise now that it is just as real as my thoughts and feelings are.
Cookido After reading your last post a few days ago, it hit a little close to home - so I took the time away so I could reply to you in a meaningful way.
‘I have always wondered what that hole was’ I sense a bit of dark humor - hehehe. I get it. The humor and the hole. (I just recalled a relevant short story** see below) Not that I know what its like to be where you are but I have wondered about how I could recreate that unconditional love feeling. I, too, can not recall feeling unconditional love as a toddler and on through the teen years by my birth parents. Although my parent talked about it and gave me examples of it (he was an ethics professor) as if he knew I didn’t feel it but wanted to give me what he could to help me to recognize it —- accepting the truth about it, does make it bareable to share.
I do believe that unconditional love can come from anyone (including one’s self) that is willing to go there —- and that ‘anyone’ will change over the years. I write this because it has happened to me — my experience is a bit different than yours but similar in a cold dark way, with a little love to push it along: the coldness felt like I was in pieces and parts of me kept falling off, sometimes I didn’t even notice it, I was leaving parts of myself everywhere, (Monty Python comes to mind) a bit of a mess really, until one day the pieces came together (loosely) and binded; they binded each time I experienced unconditional love (rare), reinforcing the connection between the pieces. It’s still happening.
Your acknowledgment of the hole in your chest as real, puts everything out on the table, scars and all — in fact where you are now shows the work you have done to take care of this part of yourself :cheer: —- its being shaped while you write about it and when you expose it to people you care about, giving them the choice to step up. The hole may not be filled as you state but maybe something else will happen —- here is to your adventure in knowing and feeling love! A Chinese tea toast for you. (An act of good wish that I do when drinking obscure Chinese teas for healing) May you know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.
Cookido thank YOU for sharing your journal —- it is helping me to feel and think about love and the meaning of life in a different way that I am used to. A conversation like this is rare for me and shared with a select few — I love it! I also feel pretty good about inspiring your reflections.
**in the story, what came to mind are the vivid descriptions of the Count being cut in two by a canonball (loss of innocence) and how he lived through it - Il Visconto Dimezzato by Italo Calvino
Something else. If unconditional love can come from one’s self — are we also capable of being our own mother and father?
Today has been a stressful day. I'm not sure why it's been stressful, it just has been. Not every day can be filled with insight and self-reflection. Sometimes it's just bad. I know that I'm dissociating, I know because I can sense the devil resting on my shoulders; making them heavy and hurt; cradling my head; forcing me to tunnel vision; bending my neck so I can only focusing on the ground and toxic wispers. I hate it when I forget myself and start gazing down at my feet. I remember as a child that whenever I was out of the house, I would hold my fathers hand because otherwise I would be completely lost. I could only look at the ground beneath me. I never paid attention to my surroundings, the people or buildings. The only thing I knew was the pavement. One time I saw a 10 dollar bill on the ground, though, I never took it because I was still holding my dads hand and he kept on walking.
That's something I've been thinking about lately. Why I'm not satisfied with my life, something I brought up in my first journal post. It was a book written by Thomas Erikson called "Surrounded by idiots" (the title speaks to me) that made me reflect upon it. What the book basically discusses is that everyone can be generalized into 4 different personality types, red, yellow, green and blue. I could recognize myself in the green personality type. However, my parents are more blue or red, accoarding to the book (and my subjective opinion of my parents). The colors are really irrelevant actually. My point is that my parents, who are very different personaltiy types than I am, have been raising me after their own needs, interests, ambitions and expectations. The saying "Everybody is a genius. But If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid". Gosh, I gotta say it hurts a bit to quote something as cliche as that, but it does explain my life pretty well. I am a fish who has been trying to climb a tree. My parents are poop-throwing monkeys.
cooki, that's a fantastic realization, to my mind. it may be a cliche, but i think it's absolutely true about the fish and judging. we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, don't we, so to say we should be like someone else, well, it probably isn't going to fit one bit,
personally, i love that 'cliche'. it rings very true for me. thanks for bringing it to my attention again. love and hugs.
It sucks to know that about your parents and to find out the way that you did. But hey - YOU are a fish :cheer: Now that you know - the possibilities abound
*Trigger Warning*
I have met this guy for a few months now. Actually, it's been two. Somehow it feels a lot longer. I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone before, I didn't know it was possible. I'm not sure it is possible. Derealisation doesn't help. At times I'm convinced this person is made up in my mind.
Sometimes I'm convinced that I can feel what he feels. I'm sometimes convinced that he can read my mind. It's weird. Like I met myself, but in another persons body. Is that what a soulmate is?
I love him. If that's possible after the short time we have been together. He is confused about his feelings. He has emotional issues, like all people I have relationships with.
We were laying in the dark at night, his back towards me. Pillow talk after I had had an anxiety attack infront of him. Slow and carefully, like he wasn't sure if or how he should tell me. I already knew what he was gonna say, but I wanted to hear it. So I stayed quiet. "This summer I wanted to... I wanted to commit... suicide." He paused. I expected him to say it but I never expected how hard it would hit. How I would feel. The sadness of knowing that he had felt the hopelessness and lonelyness that would make one consider ending ones life. I told him that it made me very sad, and then I started crying uncontrollably. The sadness wasn't the same as during anxiety or pannick attacks. The difference was that I felt better afterwards. Never has anyone in person shared those thoughts with me. It was helpful to hear, even though it hurts knowing how much pain he has felt. It also sucked that he had to comfort me afterwards when I should have comforted him.
I'm not sure what impact on our lives us meeting will have. I just know that it will be important. I'm also sure that we won't stay together for much longer. One of us will leave.
slowly, cooki, one foot in front of the other. we don't know what's around the corner. i hope you can take your time with this. what a very big deal it was that he felt safe enough with you to tell you that. that really speaks to the kind of person you are. i don't doubt he felt comforted in being able to comfort you. you are both sharing very intimate parts of yourselves emotionally.
by the by, one guy i dated, we fell in love within 2 weeks of meeting each other. everything fit together, and we enjoyed the feeling. i hope you and he can do the same. love and hugs, sweetie.
sanmagic7, thank you for your answer. I'm glad you shared that you fell in love with someone within two weeks. Makes me accept my own feelings more.
*Trigger Warning*
I am quite seriously thinking about being admitted to a psychiatric ward. On Monday I will speak to my student counselor about how to end my education. Ending the education also means I will lose my student appartment and I will be forced to move in with my parents. Which I think will worsen my mental health even more. I have nothing to lose. Making the decision to be admitted is probably the first step that I've ever taken based entirely on my own needs and will. I want to be reborn. I want to live.
I wish I could speak about this to my friends. To have someone reassuring me that I am making the right decision, because I am basing it on my own feelings. I have made bad decisions before in my life. I used to think that the right thing to do is to never regret anything. What is done is done and then you move on. I've realised now that regret serves a purpose. Regret helps you realise what you have done wrong and what you need to do different the next time. It is easier not to regret, but it does not lead to change or development.
I regret not studying art during upper secondary school. I let others decide what was best for me and I believed in others more than I believed in myself. However, I do not regret the years at school during that time. I made my first friends, friends that I still have to this day. They taught me that I am worth something, that I am worth getting to know and have fun with. That I am worth being loved and capable of maintaining relationships. They helped me get out of my comfort zone and explore other sides of me, like being comfortable in who I am and who I want to be. Still they teach me things I never learned or knew as a child. For example that it's okay for me to be myself, be selfish and make bad decisions, leaving and disappearing without a word. I did those things, I regret it, even if I at the time needed to leave. When I came back they were still there, willing to forgive me because they valued our friendship. Because I am just as important for them as they are for me. Being admitted would mean leaving them behind again. Maybe they won't wait this time, but it doesn't scare me as much. Hopefully I will come out with the strength of building new and healthy relationships as well.
I regret starting university. I was not ready and I didn't have the right kind of motivation even from the beginning. I applied because I thought it was the correct thing to do at my age and it was what was expected of me. If I had let myself regret my decision during upper secondary school, maybe I wouldn't have made the same mistake again. But still, my decision taught me other things. I was able to afford moving out from my parents. I learned that I am capable of being independent and that I have strength to take care of myself. It also gave me distance to my parents, which has been very valuable. I gained perspective on how dysfunctional my family was and I have since been able to build a healther relationship with them. Even though a lot is still very dysfunctional, I have better understanding of what my responsibilities, thoughts and values are, and which ones are theirs. My parents do not regret, they do not appologize and they do not think about the past. I always said to myself that I will not be like them, and yet that's exactly who I became. But it's time for regret, and with that change and development. Maybe I can learn how to forgive as well.
I have not decided yet if I will let myself be admitted (first I need to know if it's possible). They do not treat or acknowledge c-ptsd in my country, so I'm not sure how to present my issues. I have also never hurt myself physically, something which should be viewed as positive, but in this case it is viewed as mentally stable and not ill enough for help. I have not hurt myself physically because I never understood the point, I hurt enough every day as it is. The mental pain I have felt and still feel is worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. I hate pain and I fear pain. I fear it so much I am able to disconnect from all physical and emotional pain (and feelings in general). I've also always had something to keep me from ending my life, because that's the only reason I would see to hurt myself physically, to end it. But as I said in the beginning of this thread, I have reached the point where I have nothing to lose. I do not feel connected with the world anymore. I have reached a crossing with two options. I want to make the right decision, the one I won't regret.
wow, cooki, such a lot of realizations. so impressive. you're sounding so powerful within yourself to look at what you've done, which of those actions have been because of your own wants, and which have been because of someone else's. very brave of you to do this. i see this as a major step forward for you. well done.
i once was on the brink of going inpatient, but, like you, i wasn't at the point of hurting myself, so it was pretty 'iffy' as to my being able to. i was offered a sort of day treatment program, where i could get picked up every morning, participate in their program, and be taken home every nite. i really did want inpatient, tho, cuz i wanted to get a rest from my world.
as it turned out, i didn't do it, but i can relate to wanting to start over in a new, healing environment. as far as leaving your friends, could you give them notice that you might be out of sight for awhile? it may help, both them and you, to know that you're making a choice to leave, but that you would like to keep them in your life for when you return. i don't know if that sounds like a workable idea for you or not. if not, just ignore it.
at any rate, i'm with you, whatever your decision might be. it takes a very strong person to ask for help, to make changes like this. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs, sweetie.
sanmagic7, I think what it was that I regretted from the time I left my friends, was that I didn't give them any proper notice to why I left. If I do decide to leave I will give them a better explanation to why I am leaving. So I do think it sounds like a workable idea and I'm glad you pointed it out because it is the right thing to do.
---
Today I met with my student counselor. I will take a break from studying but I won't lose the spot in case I regret it. The student counselor at my school is a very bright and helpful woman, I am so grateful for her. However, the 30 minutes meeting was very energy draining and I havn't been able to do anything productive the rest of the day. I have a lot of things on my to do list. Hopefully I can clear it tomorrow.
Taking a break instead of quitting isn't exactly what I had in mind, but it is easier for me to tell people that I'm having a break from school. It's quite common in my country that people take study breaks. It's my parents reaction I worry about the most. When I mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about quitting her response was to tell me the value of having an education on paper and also how much money I would have wasted on my education. Because money and status are more important than my well-being. I don't know, maybe she meant well. She isn't great at empathy. When I told her and my father about my depression a few years back, their way of dealing with it was to send me a check with money. I thought that sh*t only happened in movies.
I also wanted to mention something I never had before, genuine caring.
Me and the guy I am seeing was having a very nice moment last night, I felt good. But what I've noticed lately is when I experience very strong emotions I shut off and go straight into a very strong dissociative state. Now dissociating isn't new, but how sudden it goes from strong emotion to shutting off is new. Usually it's a more slow and mild transgression for me. I told him once that I tend to shut off from any strong emotions. He didn't really say anything and I assumed he didn't think much of it.
So yesterday it happened again, I shut off. I felt light headed, couldn't focus my thoughts and couldn't keep eye contact, I also felt so tired that I decided to just lay down and close my eyes. I didn't say anything. He spoke a bit to me first, but when I had my eyes closed he went quiet. He then started to just gently rub my belly and chest back and forth. I remember he asked if it felt nice and that I said yes, then I don't remember more. I'm not sure if we spoke, if I fell asleep or when I left my dissociative state. The only next thing I remember is that I was sitting up, talking to him and feeling like myself again, like nothing had happened.
It felt like he knew what was going on. That he had listened and remembered when I told him about shutting off my emotions, and he knew exactly how to comfort me out of it. I didn't have to say anything. I think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).
He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.
Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.
Quote from: Cookido on December 10, 2018, 08:35:48 PMI think this is the first time someone has done something for me that is entirely based on my needs and feelings. Atleast I cannot remember any other time in my life where I felt this seen and understood. I don't feel like I deserve this attention. He has an angel inside of him, and he is too good for me (I know this is partly my IC talking, but I am in fact in a state of mind where I cannot care for others as much as I would like. Depression is selfish).
He told me he loves me. But I'm note sure in what way. I think it might be the angel speaking.
Either way, he is making my two road option into a roundabout of directions.
Cookido, recognizing where you are (in depression) and letting yourself be in the presence of this guy, is healthy; the tenderness he is offering is given freely, and you feel it. That is something to build on. Your level of self awareness (knowing your IC) shows the work you have done to be at a roundabout of directions.
You write that you are feeling depressed and unable to reciprocate the care —- sometimes this happens, its ok, real intimacy isn’t about an *even exchange —- but acknowledging where one another is. Do you still feel undeserving of this experience or being with this guy? You let him know what you needed and you told him that it felt nice —- this is respect for what is given and received —- sounds like a deserving experience for both of you.
*the perception of an ‘even’ exchange depends on what the two people value; one may place a higher value on a gesture than another but that doesn’t take away from an exchange that feels balanced —- in fact the exchange itself may change the values once placed, strengthening the connection. I like the word ‘balance’ better, the word ‘even’ can be easily misunderstood.
I read this part of your journal this morning and it made me smile.