Messages

Hey friends,

I've noticed over the past few weeks, since I came to OOTS (I love the new look) that we often seem to regret coming to recovery so late in life.  It makes sense to me that this is common, since healing from the inside out takes time and care.  I am 41 and admit sometimes I feel a wave of panic when I think of all the things I could be doing, could have done, if only my CPTSD hadn't sent me down so many holes. And then I remember...Last Christmas my partners son died of cancer at 19 after a short and vicious illness which ripped time, opportunity and hope from him over the space of four months.  It was an utter nightmare to watch him die and see him have his future suddenly taken away.   Lack of time was one of the most horrifying aspects of the cancer.  Actual, bare bones, lack of time.  No time even to reflect before the coffin was coming down the street and my partner was saying 'He's here.'

When I feel panicky about wasting so much of my life and coming or recovery late, I always, always, now, am brought back to the bare facts of that Illness.  We would all have given everything we had for just one more day for Sam, one without mortal fear and agonizing pain.  How does it help to remember this? I suppose it brings me up sharp.  Whilst it is heartbreaking it also makes me count my blessings which I think we must always try to do if we want to live....celebration of the tiniest things can bring joy.   There are days when I am utterly trapped by myself, my own emotions and reactions and circumstances as I perceive them, but now less than ever.  Since the cancer I have definitely uncovered some deep truths for myself.   It's not a case of just pulling my socks up and hurrying up and getting better....we all know that just isn't possible.  No, it's more of a slow, cultivation of real gratitude for the things we can all have....a conversation with a stranger, a  chink of sunshine in a thundery sky, a warm bath, a nice meal.  For a long time I couldn't allow these things to nourish me.  I was too damaged and intent on perpetuating that damage, unconsciously, in a million different ways.  I am so thankful I can be thankful now if that makes sense.

Life could be over tomorrow, that's what I'm trying to say.  Let's be kind to ourselves and patient with ourselves and love what we have.

Hi Aliyah,

Welcome.  I'm pretty new here too.  I'm the opposite in a way, and chuck myself into my work even on days when I really shouldn't.  I often wonder to myself why I do it!  Still I can totally understand what you are saying.  My suggestion is that you stay kind to yourself, first and foremost, and go at your own pace.   There are very many ways you can apply yourself, be creative, talented, organised...in small, manageable doses, without traumatising yourself with a full on job.  This sounds truly ridiculous but I once, as an adult, took on a paper round...not for the money but for what it gave me, at a time when I couldn't manage anything else.  My question to you is really, would your mum really have won if you go on disability?  It doesn't matter what she thinks.  You must do what you feel is right for you.   

Rx  www.mybeautifulabuser.com. (My blog....feel free to have a read x)

Hey stace,

Really feel for you.  Yes it is exhausting and very lonely.   I spent six months without my partner and however awful the abuse is, it was excruciating to be without him, although not being triggered, like you say.  One thing that has changed for me is that I do make sure now I get out and see other people and do small things that I enjoy, so that the relationship and the emotions don't become all consuming. 

By the way Stacey thanks for your encouragement it really, really heartens me and helps me keep going every time I am reminded that there are thousands of us out there fighting the same battle

Ah steamy I remember that part in Rocky so well it really stuck in my head the last time I saw it.  That's how winning is done!

Hey guys. I clicked on this thread because I'm always feeling like an imposter, like I don't belong, and often find myself trying to squeeze myself into what people want me to be and feeling like they will all find out how much of a terrible, worthless person I am if I don't keep it up. I find in my relationships and also as a mum I am constantly berating myself. If only I had done this or not said that. With the kids it's more that I want to give them the perfect childhood, which is never going to be possible and agony when I fall short. With my partner it is just part of the abuse and he capitalises on it massively, twisting everything into, my fault, my fault, my fault....and of course I believe him.

Stacey, I am a writer, although it's a long time since I sent anything to an editor.  Any Rejection is horrible especially if you have been thoroughly rejected as a child in need of nurture and unconditional love. I wonder what it would feel like to let go of the ideas of success and failure and write simply for the sake of it? The chances are, the less you think about whether it's gonna be 'good' or not, the more real and powerful your unhindered voice will be?  With the blog I find it is saving me from desperate states of mind, so whilst I sometimes read it and think yes I like that sentence or turn of phrase, I am so grateful for the magic of the creative process for giving me a way out that I thankfully don't mind too much how it comes out.

R x       www.mybeautifulabuser.com

I wonder how many of us now care for others in our jobs as well as by being parents.  I work in child protection. Happy new year to all of you....out with the old, in with the new!

R
X

Hey yellow,

Welcome.  I am new too, just a day on here and already I feel so supported.

I have very little memory of my childhood up to adolescence, and no positive memories whatsoever (I am sure I must have had some good times with my mum but can't recall anything at all).

I have a handful of very traumatic memories and that is it....although I do remember good times when alone, or in the presence of a safe person, books I read, music I loved, places....just nothing about my only caregiver and my abuser, my mum.

It's proof to me that childhood abuse definitely affects memory in a big way.  Either that or I'm just bloody forgetful 

Please feel very welcome to read my story at my brand new blog, www.mybeautifulabuser.com, started in an attempt to give myself, my real self, at last, a voice....

Rx

And also just to say, those links on Gaslighting and Boundaries (what boundaries?  I really have a lot of work to do, since I feel that if I set any boundary, my abusive partner will leave and I am desperately and deeply afraid of that, of abandonment....last time he left it was like dragging myself through mud for six months, not able to function, or at least, for much of the time that's how it felt...)

Anyway the links, the links....are just brilliant.

Thanks!

Thankyou so much Dutch Uncle! It's quite overwhelming to feel suddenly supported in my own living room. I will have a look at those links later. For now I'm cleaning out the hamsters! Learned helplessness, yes that certainly sounds like me...in my more difficult moments and definitely when I am faced with abuse.  I seem to go back to a kind of pre verbal state of terror where I am almost incapable of anything that might help myself.  My partner shouted at me this morning and all I could do was shake and cry.

I say almost incapable. I am learning. A lifetimes work and all that,

R
X

I am certain you can reprogram yourself nature girl. I considered myself until a year ago to be irreparably hard wired.  And Even where I see the same habits and thoughts and panics and disasters coming, I have definitely learned that I can program myself to manage those things differently, however terrifying it may feel

X

Hello nature girl,

I am totally new too. Your post brought a tear to my eye.  I stopped smoking today too 

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of better things for me. Life so far has been amazing but terribly painful and frightening too. I'm 41 and just learning new coping strategies after a tragedy forced me to take stock.  Today has been grey and mostly anxious but I write and I feel better, that is all I know.

I'm writing a blog, it is brand new too, an escape, a way to speak.  Feel free to have a look you ll probably be first lol. I wrote about the cycle of abuse this eve.

It's at www.mybeautifulabuser.com

Well done for arriving.

Big warm virtual hugs

R
X

Hey guys, thankyou for being here!  I've found you after beginning a blog a few weeks ago, just out of the blue.  The blog starter site told me to find forums on my blog subject and tell people about it but .I had honestly not thought there would be somany people out there who were struggling just like me.  To be honest at 41 I feel like I am just starting over.  I began writing about domestic abuse as I am in an abusive relationship to give myself at last a voice but of course it has already gone deeper than now, and starts at the beginning, with my childhood and how I now suffer from CPTSD.
Please do reply to me here, I am sure I will need your support and maybe I can help other people as I really feel I have learned some important coping strategies, expression being one.  If you would like to know my story it is being written at www.mybeautifulabuser.com.  I have changed names to stay anonymous and ok.