My story, TRIGGER WARNINGS of abuse of all kinds.

[Eyessoblue]

Today is one of those days where I feel completely 'blah' and am feeling very sorry for myself. My therapist is on holiday for 3 weeks and being left to fight this alone is really hard.
I feel like I want to share a little about my story as I 'need' to get it off my chest today.
I grew up with a family of alcoholics where every day was a challenge, I felt like I was never a child and had to be an adult at a very young age. My dad and his parents had bipolar and borderline personality disorder, my mum was just an emotional wreck and never around when I needed her.
Every day I suffered violence/torture at the hands of my dad and my mum sat there doing nothing.
I was sexually abused by him at a young age
I was sexually abused by my uncle at age 7 and this went on for about a year.
I had bulimia at age 11 to 15, was constantly told by family how fat and ugly I was.
Started hair pulling and skin mutilation age 11 and still do this today
I never fitted in anywhere was always the outsider, I disassociate so much that I lose whole conversations, people think I'm weird.
I just don't feel I'll ever get over this, yes I'm in counselling, having emdr, emi, Cbt etc etc but I can't let go of the pain I feel inside.
Not knowing how or what I feel makes it worse, I can't express my emotions at all. Writing is therapeutic to me I think that is the real release I get.
Each day I wake up and feel here I go again, knowing what lays ahead and how I'll feel all day. I'm on 2 lots of medication but not really sure how that's helping, my anxiety is so bad, I shake non stop all day long, feel physically sick inside yet numb to so much.
My life has no purpose and I'm no good to anyone, my memory is poor, I can't concentrate, have lost any confidence I did have, just don't know how I can move forwards in a positive direction.
Thanks for listening, just felt I needed to get this out today.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
I also find writing to be helpful to release things, and I just wanted you to know that I've read what you wrote, and although I can't formulate words to say exactly what I want to say, I just want to say to you that I 'hear' you and that I am glad you're in this community - but I am sad that you've had to endure so much in your life.  I relate to what you're saying about feeling like an 'adult child' - and having to take on so much with such young shoulders.  It's not fair that people abuse others - it's like an injustice, and I want to say that I stand with you - and hope that you have some positive things today - take care.
Hope 

[Libby183]

I hear you too, eyesofblue. Your life story sounds absolutely awful - such a range of abuse and betrayals from so many people.  No wonder you are suffering. 

What I relate to especially, is the feeling of being an outsider,  of never belonging. If we don't feel connected to people, I wonder if and how we can accept help to heal. 

I wish I had more to offer,  but I just wanted to say that I am with you, and very much hope that this is just one of those rubbish days that come along regularly and that your really low mood will pass soon.

Take care.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both, means a lot.x

[Dee]

I'm sorry you went through that.

It's hard when a therapist is gone.  For me, at times, I feel mine is my only tangible support. 

I've been doing therapy with art.  I can now draw my emotions.  At first it was something that helped conversation, which was great.  I would bring in my drawing and she asked questions.  It let me say things I could't verbalize.  Then I started using color.  Yesterday, it was more than a conversation piece, for the first time I really felt my drawing and not just the story behind it.  I got it out on paper and looked at it and cried.  Probably, long overdue.

I for one are glad you are here.  You belong and are a valuable member of this community.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you Dee.

[sanmagic7]

standing right beside you, sweetie.  so very sorry you've gone thru all that.  glad you were able to get so much out of you.  big hug to you.