Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

Thank you for your kind words. 
I hope you can find a cappuchino surprise where you live

Sceal

[Sceal]

Looked at alot of old photos today, it made me wish to rewind time 10 years. It wasn't the best time of my life, but it was better than it has been the past few years. Rewinding it, with the chance of changing the outcome the last 5 years. Some of it anyway. I travelled alot more back then. I'm going to resume that.

I also went to an event, a panel-talk with people in the medical industry talking about gut-illnesses and allergies and asthma, well - not so much asthma really. It was interessting enough, at time funny. But the seats were uncomfortable, and it lasted for longer than I could focus on. It was good getting out, but now that I'm home my shoulders, neck and head hurts. I've a feeling I tensed up alot more than I thought I was. My knees were swollen and back was hurting in town.
One of the things they said on the panel is to avoid checkin in with your body too much. And it's a little different than what Lady T is teaching me at the moment, but I can see the value to it later on. Once I've re-learned to listen properly to my body and recognize the signs for what they are.
But there will come a time when I don't need to check in so much at all time and analyze - that will potentially end in fear of something new being wrong or off again.
I've never had fear of poor health, perhaps because I've always been somewhat sickly. Never had fear of doctors or nurses.

[Sceal]

I know, I know! It is impossible to gain so much weight overnight, and I know that it is mostly water-weight, maybe some salt. And maybe a little muscle tension.
but it is so * frustrating when I'm getting back to being more active and eating more regularly, that still I keep gaining weight. I hope the numbers start pointing another way soon, because this is heartbreaking - it really is. Makes me want to lie down and cry. Or alternatively eat all the chocolate in the store.

[Sceal]

Okay, I am still frustrated.
BUT! I avoided buying candy, and chocolate at the store when I went to pick up a parcel before breakfast.
And I did end up going on the treadmill for 20 minutes in fast pace (fast for me). The sweat was literally running down my face and chest as I finished. My lower legs hurt now, they are tense and stiff and probably full of inflammation - or about to be full of inflammation. But if my body would just do as I tell it, and lose weight, there would be less inflammation! Silly body. Stop holding all the water!
I feel better now.
I feel energized, awake and, dare I say it, happy right now. Long live dopamin! It's not pouring down outside anymore, so I think I will go for a minor trail-walk/hike later today before I'm going to socialize!

I also got off the phone with the wellfare people, the people who I have to be in contact with regularliy in order to get money. I send in some documents every 2 weeks, and I talk on the phone with them  every few months or so. I have one person I'm generally having contact with, but this person tends to change. That's why they called me today.  I got a new one, I told her exactly what I thought about keep changing people. 4 new people who are constantly watching my every move for the last 2 years, it's exhausting. It makes me on edge to not know the person who has my case. It's better when they know the cases individually. Anyway, what really surprised me was 1) I managed to tell her that I don't apprechiate it changing all the time, and that I understand that there's alot of changing jobs in and out of the office, but that it's still taxing for me to relate to a new person. I actually managed to say that to a total stranger. Boundary setting oh yeah! (I'm still high on dopamin) 2) my voice was clear, active and alert. I sounded like I was very much present and ready to co-operate and I was friendly. I wasn't shy, timid or scared. On the phone. Wow!  This was also before breakfast when I was still foggy and tired as f*. Just wow!
I'm awesome today.  (wow.. wait a minute, did I just say that? H** yes I did! - oh okay, this dopamin thing is slightly scary).

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
That is great that you were able to say those things - and I think you are awesome  to you. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

  Thank you Hope!
I felt great yesterday afternoon.
I went for a second trail hike with dad, it wasn't a very long one. But I was struggling, trying to keep up, pretending it wasn't hard for me. But at some point I had to say to turn back - because my feet were painful. The new shoes are not a hit. I'll have to try different insoles and see if that helps.
I was playing with the twins again, and then after their bedtime I joined in on boardgame night. It was fun, I've missed playing boardgames. I don't know everyone in that group very well, and I get a little shy and reserved. But it was good.

Today, the scale made me gain alot more weight. The last two days I've gained 2kg, which again, I know is impossible. My calves are hurting, they are hard as rock and they are having some pressure from the inside. I am hoping this just means that my legs are having too much waterweight, and what I need to do today is to drink as much as possible! I'm not good with drinking, I need to approve this.

My mental health is okay these last few days. I feel frustrated and foggy-headed (except for yesterday). But I am okay.
I'm seeing my Lady T after the holiday next friday, and by that time I should finish studying Radical Acceptance, incase she asks about it.
But for now, I need to tidy up and clean up this house. I haven't washed the floor in 2 months, as in summertime I tend to wander in and out with shoes or flipflops when it's sunny. But now it's raining and not likely to happen. So might as well pick up the broom.

[sanmagic7]

you ARE awesome, sceal.  totally!  so glad you could say that about yourself.  dopamine, huh?  maybe you've had a shortage all this time and didn't know it.

i love your body.

glad you've been feeling better lately.  kudos to you for overlooking the candy and chocolate.  well done.  small steps will eventually get us to where we want to go, and you're heading in the right direction.

weight fluctuation - yeah, i've had a lot of experience with that.   just hang tough, ok?  as long as you continue working a healthier lifestyle, the weight will right itself.  sometimes we need to look to the shape of our bodies, how our clothes fit, our stamina levels, things like that, for truer info on how our bodies are doing.   the numbers on the scale may not always tell the entire story.

keep going, sweetie.  love you so, sending a hug full of encouragement to you to keep up what you're doing.

[Sceal]

Thank you San, I don't quite agree today.  But I do recall the enthusiasm and joy I had yesterday. And it was refreshing! It was progress no doubt.

Today is as one can imagine. Not quite good. It's not bad, it's not ok. It just is. I feel nothing much at all, except physical pain. I didn't avoid candy or chips today, I don't feel particularly guilty about it - but I am not happy about it either.
I've done very little productive, infact it's been another one of those days where I've been thinking I should do something but don't find the energy or willpower to actually get up and do it -because once more there's no point to it.

[sanmagic7]

those dang ups and downs, back and forth of recovery.  still, i believe that if we have one of the good days, eventually we'll have another.  hang tough, sweet sceal.  you're not alone.  love and hugs to you.

[Sceal]

I am currently contemplating to take a break from this site, in the sense that I think I will stop reading other people's posts and threads for a while.
And for all of those whom I've followed, I am sorry that I wont follow you for a short while.

But I am in a fragile, good place right now. And I really want to take charge of my life.
I looked alot of old photos while I was transferring them over to an external harddrive,(from 2005-2011) and I realised something. I realized that although life really did suck back then, it was better than it is now. Probably because I felt safe, my abuser had moved away from my city and got married in another city. And too be fair, he was never a threat to me after I moved out and ended that relationship. But in 2013, I think, I met my latest abuser - and he was a different story.  He was a threat after I left, and I still percieve him as a threat. He doesn't live -in- my city, but that's a mere technicality because it'll only take him 30 minutes to get here. And after the last re-traumatization I lost all hope in the sense that I felt I'm never going to get a life free from manipulative, abusive people. I might be "free" for a few years, but I expect to run into another one in a few more years time. After all, they can spot a vulnerable victim at a mile distance.  And I am still vulnerable, I do intend to at some point stop being vulnerable. Stop being so easy to spot. Anyway, so I realized that although I struggled with loneliness, depression, self-hatred, eating disorder, self-injury I kept busy. I had a lot of projects. I took classes and courses and workshops. I travelled. I had alot more connection with friends where I'd fool around and laugh and talk more freely with them. I'd be weird and they loved me for it.
And that's the clue, that's what I want to take charge of.

Several times in my life I've had to leave my entire network behind, to start over. The first time was simply organic, we were getting older, we were starting different schools our daily lives didn't end up connecting anymore. Which was fine. It was natural. The second time was more painful, perhaps because they left me. Not in bulk, but a few at a time. Distance grew, and they got their own friends. Or my original group of friends started hanging out without inviting me, and I was stuck with my abusive ex (not that I understood that at the time) and his friends - which at the time were also my friends. (Not all of them were bad).  And I had one friend who meant the world to me. I would have given everything for her. She left me. She told me she needed a break and then radio silence. It took me 10 years to understand it was probably smart of her and it was probably an advice she'd gotten from her therapist (not because I was so bad, but because both of us were so self-destructive and depressed at the time, and she had feelings for me. And seeing me so self-destructive were destroying her). At least, this is how I choose to see it now.  And then, then I left my abuser. And I lost everyone. All my friends who had previously left me, excluded me weren't there for me. And all the friends I had with him, stayed with him. I knew they would. And so, I had to start over.
At this point I mainly gained internet friends, some of whom I met in real life several times, some not.
I reached out to old friends, of those who I lost organically, and regained contact with them.  And slowly, I built new friends. But then, I suddenly got alot of friends, in this cultish group. And I mean, ALOT of them. And when I walked out, I lost them all. Or I chose to lose them all, because remaining in contact with a few of them, wouldn't be healthy for me. Because I would never be able to trust they wouldn't relay information back to the group.
So here I am now, having to re-build a new network.

I have spent alot more time with the family of the twins the past year, and I know they apprechiate me. And I most certainly apprechiate all of them. I have another friend I've spent alot of time with the past year, although we're running a little stale of topic to talk about at the moment. Perhaps because I haven't been so interessted in talking about mental health lately. It'll come back. I'm connecting better with my sister than I have for many years. And I'm reconnecting with my cousins down south. I'm going for a visit soon, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy being with that part of my family. I do need more people in my immediate vicinity though, and I will continue to work on that, although I am not yet quite sure on how.

I am also going to start travelling more again. Like I used to. I have 3(4) trips planned for the remaining of the year. Which is a good start. This will cost me alot of money, so I need to start resuming my economic mode, and I'll have to find a way to start earning money on my art. I need to define it better, make better art and somehow each an audience who wants to purchase. I'm not entirely certain how that'll turn out to be. I'll have to make a better, clearer plan for that.

I watched a video by accident this morning by Shawn Achor on Ted.com when I was doing my treadmill walk, where he was talking about happiness. I wrote down a few notes from that video I'd like to share here:

The absence of disease is not health.

I thought that was an amazingly important thing to say. When I do recovery from CPTSD (and I say when, because it WILL be a when), I need to make da** sure that I have more things in my life than just the absence of CPTSD.

The current formula of Happiness is Success.  "If I work harder, I'll be more successfull, and if I am more successful thenI'll be happier" - which is a backwards way. Because then everytime I reach success I will change the goalpost of what success looks like: "I got good grades, now I got to get bettergrades". So if happiness gets on the other side of success - we will never get there. Because we keep changing the outlook of success. But our brains work opposite. If I am happy, then I have a higher chance of reaching success, being more creative, being healthier, having a higher resistance for depression and other illnesses etc

Which is good to know, and to remember. Success comes later, I need to work on my inner life before I can find success in my external life. This is true for me, for how I, personally, work. I know there are loads of successful people out there who struggle. And I hope one day they'll get the time to care for their internal life as much as they care for their external one.

Shawn Achor also have a few tips on how to improve happiness. And I am going to attempt them.
- Write down 3 things I am grateful for every day
- Medidate for 2 minutes (for me I think I'll stick with being mindful of the present)
- Journaling at least 1 positive experience that happened within the last 24 hours - by journaling my mind will re-experience it, and thus remember it better.
- Excersise
- Random and concious acts of kindness everyday, such as writing a kind message to someone. Telling them I apprechiate them. That I care. That I notice.

He says to do this for 21 days and see what happens.
My day started out the usual way, not caring, not having any willpower, not wanting to do anything at the same time not wanting to do nothing. After I went on the treadmill and watched his video I found my old "Book of Achievements", and turned it into the "The Book of Gratitude" and wrote down the 3 things I could think of. And now, everytime I go to the toilet I keep thinking of more things and people I am grateful for, and it's giving me a sense of an inner calm.

I do know that journaling down the positive things works, I did that at the beginning of the year, and it really did help lift me up. At some point I stopped doing that, I think because I went down into a deep funk and felt I had nothing to write. And even when I climbed back out I didn't resume the habit. I will try again now. And I hope that by doing atleast those two things daily it'll help strengthen my fragility.

And in order for me to gain strength I need to set boundaries for myself. I am a highly sensitive person, so other people's struggles and problems I take them on my shoulders, and carry them in my heart. And for now, I need a little distance. So I can be stronger, and strong enough to carry them without they drag me down. I do want to stress that it's no one elses fault that I take other people's concerns into my heart, it's just part of who I am, and who I always will be. I'm fond of this part of me, but I need to learn to set boundaries so I can function long term.

Although, all of these plans that I have now, they might fail once I re-start therapy again next friday and I am tossed right back into crippling shame and flashback modes. I will attempt to become stronger by next friday. Bit by bit. Hopefully.

So this is me, taking charge of my life by changing the present - not the future.

[sanmagic7]

you go, sceal.  do what you need to do for you - i absolutely believe that's a wise thing.  we'll be here if/when you get stronger and want to return.  i'll miss you, but more importantly i'm glad you're taking back your power.  i think that's great.

hope you have fun travels, that you continue to do pos. things for yourself, and that you continue to heal, become healthier, and enjoy your self and your life more and more.  love you darling sceal.   

[Sceal]

  Thank you San, your encouragment means alot. It has meant alot for a very long time now.
I wont stop writing here, I still need this place. But I wont be reading other posts than my own journal. Might just last a few days, but I'll try. That's my intent anyhow!

I hope you'll continue to take great care of yourself too, and rest when you need to.

[Sceal]

It's been 3 days of writing down 3 things I'm grateful for, and 3 days of letting people know I apprechiate them. And 3 days not opening the newspaper first thing in the morning.

And to be honest, it's been 3 pretty great days. Today inparticular! Woke up after an awful night with barely any sleep. My knees, hip and leg have been aching so badly that it's kept me awake. Even after painkillers and painkilling-cream. Woke up, bright and wide-awake at 5, decided that was completely uncalled for - so I got a drink and went back to bed. Got up again around 8, and had a calm morning watching an episode of Doctor Who with my breakfast. Then I headed out, needed to return a pair of hiking boots I bought that ended up not really fitting me at all. I was worried that they wouldn't give me my money back - but give me a slip that would allow me to spend the money on something else in the store instead. I had washed the shoes, but not well enough as I found out when I reached the store. But they didn't even look at them, just gave me back my money. Woohoo!
Then I swung by the GP office and asked if they had anything availble soonish - and I got an appointment tomorrow. Wooh! (I probably should wait a few more days before complaining about the pain. I'm not so worried about the pain, as I am worried that it's causing me lack of sleep). Then I headed up to my friend. The kids were happy to see me, and while they were napping we were sipping coffee outside in the warm sun and doing the newspaper quiz and talking about tenting. It was very sweet. After they woke up we played with them, and it was alot of fun.
Then I went visiting my parents who invited me for dinner in the boat - they'd parked it at a place which had the most gorgeous view. I had a nap on the top of the boat in the sun, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner.

And the best part of it all - I have felt GOOD all day. I feel happy. It's insane! But I have. And I am enjoying every moment of it. Tomorrow it'll be another glorious day weather wise before the autumn weather sets in. And I don't know how I'll spend the day - but I wont waste it indoors.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, So great to hear you've had such a GOOD day - and  to you.
Hope 

[Sceal]

  to you too Hope!