Sandstones journal *triggers*

[Sandstone]

I have wanted to journal for a while but just couldn't muster the energy. Didnt really know what to write or my mind will just go blank etc.
I half started another post here with a bit of an outline to things and will finish it later.
Then i had all these thoughts in my head again of past memories.  Made some connection then told myself i should really write this stuff down. Had a bit of a battle with myself as i couldnt be bothered im tired lol.

Anyway long story short-ish    i was noticing recurrent patterns and images around the specific times i remember as a kid. Sooo then i wanted to write it down or id forget it (again)

Wow iv just filled 3 big pages with words haha didnt even realise how long i took (not long) and writing it out has had a powerful impact on me! I used to love writing when i was younger. I used to journal little bits here and there funnily enough.
Seeing the words on paper really does bring it home to you what crap went on. Just pputs a different perspective or even just a perspective on things that have been so jumbled in my head for years 

Its made my heart beat faster while writing and i got a few chest tightening pains which i noted 

So glad iv made a start. Lots more writing to do i just hope i can be bothered to finish it another time. I know what im like lol 

Anyway thank you for listening. First people/place i think of to come to cos i know you guys actually understand

[Sandstone]

Im going in circles. Im struggling today. Had a row with my bf last night and now i feel like my world is crashing down again. Very dramatic arnt i. Every time we argue i feel this way and it is horribe. Today tho im gonna try and work through it instead of full out despairing.  At the moment i feel like a * friend, parent, gf etc etc. I hate that i sound so pityful im sorry. I also know that my head has been in books, thought and internet for the last few weeks totally absorbed in all of this. Am i ironically still avoiding? Is it possible to to that whilst on the subject?

My boyfriend tells me i dont have any fun and im always miserable.  I would feel a bit better if i could talk to him about all this bit he doesnt want to. Its quite a lonely journey isnt it.

I uncovered a layer over the last couple of days and felt ok but today is the fallout. So i need to use some tools.  I need to remember that i wont always feel this way. Im only just noticing how deeply engrained my low self esteem is and my beliefs of not been worthy or good enough. Im my own worst enemy.

On a positive note i am about to enroll in college for a taster course in complimentary therapies. This is huge for me. Its only 2 hours a week lol but its still a big thing for me. Hopefully i will feel better when iv enrolled.

[Sandstone]

All i want or have ever wanted is for someone to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be ok. Is that too much to ask? Iv never had it,  never felt safe.

Feeling a complete failure in all aspects. I cant be bothered even listening to my children. Half of what they say goes in one ear and out the other. Poor kids.

Feel like i have to look and act a certain way for my bf to love me. I dont know if that is true or not because i darent test and find out so im always on the ball. He only has to look at me a certain way and i assume i know what hes thinking and its never anything good.

I feel like im gonna explode/implode. Trying to control everything in my life and not doin a great job. Im constantly miserable.  I dont know where to go or what to do. I feel like running away. Havnt felt like that since i was a teenager.

Iv enrolled for two courses in sept. Complimentary therapies and mindfulness so that should help.

[Sandstone]

Been writing things down again. It is so helpful to get it out of my head and onto paper.
Im trying to make sense of my insecurities.
I started with my bf.
My thoughts...

I want all of his love (there isnt enough to go round)
When he goes anywhere and it makes him happy that means i dont make him happy enough. He wont like/love me anymore. Scared hes going to leave me behind.
I want to feel secure. He cant supply my security,  only i can.

Which then took me the the words iv read lots about but never really related them to me.
Lack of love
Low self worth/self esteem
Insecure
Abandoned
Scared
A/shamed
Hypervigilant.

Then i connected it to my parents.
If i cant make my parents happy then i am worthless.
I dont think my M liked me very much most of the time i was a burden. Unless she was drunk and wanted me to entertain her and her friends. Or to listen to her adult problems. Or to use me as an emotional weapon when her and my dad fought. The only times i remember being hugged and loved was after she had lost her temper and hit me. Then she would bring me downstairs to say sorry. M has abandoned me continuously both physically and emotionally all my life.

As for F, according to him im a stupid /thick c*nt. Nothing was/is ever good enough. Theres usually a look of disdain, disappointment or a smirk on his face. Mocks the things i talk about. Doesnt actively listen to me, never has. Expects upmost respect but never shows any back. If i dont play along and try to assert myself he dismisses me or/and tells me to f**k off. (My bf does that too lol)

So i can now connect where these things come from. I know it should be obvious but its only in writing my thoughts down that it makes any sense to me.
Im not quite sure what this all means at the moment or what im supposed to do with it but its another small step forward surely?

[Dutch Uncle]

So glad iv made a start. Lots more writing to do i just hope i can be bothered to finish it another time. I know what im like lol 

Anyway thank you for listening. First people/place i think of to come to cos i know you guys actually understand

I just want to say to you: congrats on starting this. It's been a very helpful tool for me in my recovery.

Sooo then i wanted to write it down or id forget it (again)

Indeed. We've been made to forget so much, or were taught not to pay attention to it, that's it's hard to keep having access to what really happened, or even happens today.
Congrats again for stepping out of this 'programming' you (and many of us) have received.

You go Girl! 

[Sandstone]

Thanks Dutch Uncle  i was surprised how journaling has helped things to look clearer.

What i keep struggling with is trying to get in touch with my anger. Every time i feel like im about to hand over the blame to my parents for what they have caused, i immediately counter with 'but they had dysfunctional childhoods too' so i understand and yield the blame. Suppose i also like to think that hopefully any mistakes iv made with my kids would also be understood given my background. So i cant get past the understanding, empathy for them to get p**sed off. Or i wonder maybe i dont HAVE to feel/be angry?  Maybe understanding is enough? But that makes me feel like no one is taking the blame for this its gotta land somewhere right? Not sure im explaining correctly my mind wanders 

[Dutch Uncle]

"What i keep struggling with is trying to get in touch with my anger."

Yep, that's a tough one. I struggle with it too.

At this point in my recovery I'm venting a lot of anger.
I don't want to get into to much detail of my own process here, in your journal, but I think it's OK to say here that according to the model of the 5 states of grieving (here is just one (random) link on it: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/ ,) anger is a part of the process to arrive, at some point, at acceptance.
Do note that:

The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance

I did start a thread a while ago on Progress? I guess so. I vented my anger.. But that's dangerously close to drawing attention to myself.
Point being: I do find "anger" and how to deal with it in a way that supports our recovery an interesting and worthwhile subject.

So I will meet you anywhere else on this board on this issue. At the moment I'm reluctant to 'widen the scope' so to speak here.  do not want to take up your space.

[Sandstone]

Thanks Dutch and you're more than welcome to share this space with me 

Also thank you for the links i will reread tonight. I was glad to read that it doesn't have to be in any particular order and that i will probably go back and forth experiencing these stages.

Iv spoken to M about things she dud/didn't do when u was young and she apologised. Then when i dropped her at home i got out of the car to hug her and she said 'do u forgive me?' I was put on the spot and just gave a nod. But i know im not close to forgiveness. 
As for F hmm still not sure whats gonna happen. He is on his best behaviour atm as iv gone LC and he doesnt quite know what to do with it yet.  It will only be a matter of time before he gets frustrated at my 'silly games' and presses my buttons again and then i can see myself telling him so home truths. Which we all never do with F as he likes to stay ignorant,  suits him fine, ur falling apart? Well just dont tell him the details but hey have some money instead to make it all better.
It's a long learning curve thats for sure.

[Sandstone]

Today is not a good day. Iv no more strength,  i feel done in.
I am really trying not to believe im a bad person, trying to rationalise that its my inner critic saying this but its not working because i do feel like a bad person.
I cant seem to connect with my children, i struggle so much with being present.
This hurts as i dont want them to grow up with issues like mine.
I criticise everything, so negative and it just happens so naturally. My bf says i thrive on it. Which makes me think that i could be Npd which scares me as i know it cant be cured.
My son and i clash all the time we are both very headstrong and i really struggled with him until he was about 7. Im ashamed of myself for notbeing able to be a better mum when he was younger.
My daughter shows no emotions she seems to be able to switch them off which she probably gets from me and that worries me. I tell
her she needs to feel them.

I know many others wonder if they have Npd or Cptsd and iv read that if youre worried about being Npd then your probably not. Not sure about that one. I worry that maybe i worry about it just to convince myself that i dont have it.

I feel like i manipulate people. I think it comes from massive insecurity but maybe it doesnt, maybe its part of a Npd. My communication skills are terrible but i am working on it.

I push everyone away. Either through mistrust or lack of participation in friendships.  I see everyone as better than me then i feel jealousy. I hate myself. I can't do anything right and im useless.
Writing this down is making me see how bad iv always felt which is enlightening. 

Iv had a good cry now. Bloody * this whole thing isnt easy it?
I am seeing a lot of traits relating to Cptsd, so heres hoping i can become a better person.

My bf went to the pub with his mate last . He was only supposed to be going to drop his d off but then called for a drink on the way back. He phoned me to tell me.
I was p***ed off. Why cant he just do what he says hes going to do? Why does he have to go one further? At least tell me before he left. See how controlling i am?

Thing is i used to be left alone or with lots of different babysitters growing while parents went drinking. My needs were never considered. They didnt care if i was safe or not. I was abandoned for drink, they loved drink more than they loved me.
Once they took me to the cinema (im guessing around 9 yrs old)  They paid for me to go while they went to the pub. Thing is, they forgot to come back for me. I cant recall how i felt about it at the time but im sure i will have felt a little scared to say the least.
I realise all this tells me is im not important enough,  i dont matter.

So thats probably why i felt so annoyed at bf changing plans on me by goin to the pub. Triggered feelings of not being good enough and abandoned.

I could have wrote this in my book but i wanted to put it here,  i think its cos i have a need to be heard.
My dad used to always tell me to shut up when the news came on tv. I obviously wasnt even as important as the tv lol.
My bf did the same thing the other day. He said he was joking but, ya know....

Ugh so many things to work through. Bet we all wish we could have a fast forward button to get to the good part lol.

Cant believe im only just identifying EFs!  didnt even relate to having them but i seem to be classic textbook 

I also think im part counter dependant. I dont need anyone, i dont ask for help. My one friend tells me i can ring her anytime but i have only done so once. I cry alone, i deal with it alone. What a martyr i am haha!

I am so grateful for this place its my life line.
I know i need to start putting things in place when i get like this. Ill get there.
I hate that my kids dont get a fully functioning mum all because of my parents. Perhaps thats where i may start to feel some anger.
I feel a bit calmer now and will reread what iv wrote later and process it. Im tired.

[Three Roses]

Hang in there, Sandstone!

That all sounds really, painfully familiar. Just remember, you're a beautiful, damaged human being who has good days and bad days; whose best changes from day to day, like everyone else's; who cares deeply about her children and tries her best to overcome limitations to be a better patent than what you experienced.

Be gentle with yourself.   

[Sandstone]

Thank you Three Roses i will try 

[Sandstone]

Its been an interesting weekend.
My bf and i actually managed to meet on common ground to discuss my cptsd  had a few EFs these last few months due to our lack of communication.

This will be the first time iv really authentically opened a tiny crack up in my heart/soul to let him have a peek in 

He has said iv been talking in riddles these last few months and he hasn't had a clue whats been going on with me.
Me obviously assuming he simply must understand what im going through by the odd cryptic sentence i throw his way here and there 
He said hes a simple man and he sometimes needs a neon sign or even a diagram (he was serious bout the diagram) to get things across to him. That if im about to tell him something deep and important,  that i have to make it clear first that its a serious matter. Makes sense i suppose lol.

Dunno bout him but iv had to draw one or two diagrams for myself since being diagnosed!
Story short, i explained how some of his actions trigger a certain response from me. I explained about abandonment, not feeling good enough and the fact that when he goes quiet to avoid an argument it sends me into an EF.

Dont think iv ever been that vunerable before. Cant believe i opened up a little.
And a little is the way to go cos we both agree its a lot to process.

I was so relieved that he handled it so well. We both had a cry.  And the best part was his response.  'Well thats something that i can actively do to help, thats not a problem! '  PHEW!!!!! 

He also rightly said he didnt want to feel he had to walk on eggshells all the time and of course i dont want that either.
I think i can possibly feel a small shift somewhere in me. Im hoping im not jumping the gun here and its only temporary.  Only a small piece but it felt like it slotted into the right inside of me.

Anyway i had to drive to pick my son up today and had a little cry in the car on the way. I then got a bit annoyed and started saying out loud that yes i AM and always was good enough, how could you treat that poor little girl like that?  She does deserve love ! You get the drift. ..  today was the closest iv been to actually believing what i was saying.

The reason i started to cry in the car was because i started to feel sorry for the way im treating my PD parents this last month or so. I havnt been mean or anything but iv gone LC and am not around to be their puppet anymore. (My parents are divorced but still friends)

Iv started to wonder if i really am overreacting.  I feel like im getting nudges and looks as if to say 'come on they are your parents, they werent all bad were they?'  'Youre so mean Sandstone, you're heartless, u cant carry on punishing them like this'

Then thinking  ' but i dont trust either of them so what the h**l am i going to do??

Came back onto this site, read a few posts then headed to OOF.
Now i read the post re 30 affirmations when u have a toxic mum. Not sure thats the exact title but i will go check.
Anyway wow..... a massive light bulb moment! I continued to read emotional abuse and was astounded at all the things that were ringing true of my M. Im so grateful to see someone able to put such an insidious thing into words to describe it perfectly   

Im pretty sure i read all of that stuff when i first joined but dont remember it like i did today wow!
I remember looking at bpd symptoms before, but i was looking for signs in me, i didnt particularly fit it buti could be wrong lol.

Now i had M in mind while i read though it and i just cant believe its her to a tee, what an eye opener!!!

So..... having all the stuff validated has put me back into staying LC with her. No way will i willingly put myself in there now i know it ISNT me. I could quite easy go NC and iv said that for quite some years. But id rather wait until i move away from the area before i do that. Natural progression.

So this weekend iv opened up and was still loved and accepted, grieved, felt some anger, emoted and finally turned the dimmer switch to full  So all in all its been quite productive time and i made a small breakthrough  and did some things for the first time. Im proud of you Sandstone 

[movementforthebetter]

I'm proud of you, too, Sandstone! 

[Sandstone]

Thank you movementforthebetter

[Sandstone]

For the last three days i have made a conscious effort to look after myself better. By this i mean dressing nicely showering every day (no i dont always) doing my hair and nails etc. I have felt really good about myself doin this.

I had my last self esteem group therapy today and at the end we all exchanged numbers to keep in touch. One girl reached out to me about her problems which was nice and also one lady has said she would like to go to yoga sometime with me. It made me feel good. Another massive plus was that the lady who ran the group has spoken to the lady who does emdr and she has agreed to see me for an assessment. Which means i dont have to wait 18months 

I then went to my complimentary therapies course even tho i didnt feel like it, and really enjoyed it and also interacted with others there. I felt so much more confident today than i have in such a long time. Im not sure if its because iv made an effort to look good or if its just a good day but either way ill take it 

Couldnt help but say to myself ' bet it wont last, never does' lol but yeah im happy to have had a good day today.