New to group (trigger warning)

[Bewildered]

Hi, I have been married for 47 years.  Almost a year ago I found sexually related texts on my husbands phone.  I discovered several years of lies and money sent to women online that he lied to me about.  He claimed he would stop and I tried to move on with life.  However, I caught him a couple more times.  I was in shock.  We have both been very involved in our church.  To add to it.  He sent money to one of the women in Dec. 2019 when I was dealing with my mother' s death.  she died Dec. 3.   Then in Nov.2021, his narcissistic mother came to visit us for a week while my dad was dying.  She had a condo timeshare 45 min away.  All my husband could think of was going to the condo to swim.  I have confronted him about these things, but he doesn't get how much pain he has caused me.  He just says I need to quit bringing it up.  I love him, but I am slowly starting to see the narcissistic traits in him that have always confused me.  I am emotionally and physically drained.  I have found a counselor that I will be starting to see soon.  It isn't easy to leave a 47 year marriage, nor is it easy to stay.  I wish I had understood this years ago when I had the ability to work and take care of myself.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry Bewildered for all that he has put you through and is still doing - I hope a hug is OK     My M suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder as does my B and did my F so I (and many others here) understand what life with an N is like. Do you think you might have developed Complex PTSD?

Unfortunately they do not change but setting boundaries and being very firm about them always can help if you plan on staying. There is a lot of info that may help over at our sister site Out of the FOG - https://outofthefog.website/.

You are welcome here and please feel free to share how you are feeling and your experiences, we do get the trauma of living with an N. There are lots of resources about CPTSD scattered throughout the forum and on the web site.

[Bewildered]

Thanks for the response and the hug.  Yes, hugs are welcome. I really went into shock when I discovered his sexual online activity, the lies and how long he had covered up this nonsense.  The hardest thing was his religious hypocrisy.  It almost gags me now to hear him talk religious.  He has not been diagnosed as narcissistic, but it helps me to cope to be able to put a name to the things he head done to me over the past 47 years.  This isnt the first rodeo.  But, it was the most deceptive.  So, this, plus the way things happened when my parents died plus the loss of my two dogs has left me not really knowing who I am anymore, and I really don't know who he is.  I am presently at his mothers house until next weekend.  That is very difficult.  I was feeling so physically sick I could hardly function.     Then, I downloaded some puzzle apps and started bingeing one puzzle after the other so I didn't have to see or talk to anybody except at meals.  It has actually helped.  I also had my first session with a counselor today.  I'm developing a new addiction, puzzles.

[Bermuda]

Dealing with narcissistic traits is  draining. I think many of us here and relate to people using religion to help them disguise their behaviours. I don't know if you have found the section yet on religious abuse. It's unfortunately more common than it should be. When someone is insecure and so desperate for approval and validation religion can easily fill that void, along with women on the internet. In any case, you were betrayed. You were lied to. You were manipulated. That's not okay.

I also get worn out socially when with my inlaws. I recommend sudoku.   (That was meant to be light sarcasm.)

Welcome to the forum.

[Kizzie]

So sorry you're stuck at his family's house and are triggered. I understand completely binging on puzzles (or TV or books)  to distract yourself.    Sometimes we have to do things like this to get through being around too many triggering people all at once.

[Bewildered]

Thank you everybody for your kind responses.  I am feeling much better today.  Still at mother in law's house, but everything was peaceful today for me.  I took a walk this morning to get out of the house.  Still, bingeing on puzzles and watching videos on codependencyon YouTube.  I found some that really resonated with me.  I had a misunderstanding of codependency, so it's clearer to me now.

[Blueberry]

Hello Bewildered   Welcome to the forum! Happy to hear you're feeling better today and were able to go for a walk.

When I'm in a bad phase, I often have trouble seeing my behaviour as a skill, so I'll harangue myself for roaming around the Internet, reading fiction for hours on end, doing crosswords and sudokus or even for gazing out the window at trees etc instead of 'doing something useful'. Whereas actually these activities are all skills, even gazing out the window onto greenery or water (or even onto other stuff), as I learned just recently during an inpatient stay, and as skills they are useful for distracting us as Kizzie mentioned but also for calming down amygdala response and even for engaging a part of the brain that is not involved in amygdala response. All this to say - it's not bingeing and it's not an addiction imho

[Bewildered]

Hi Blueberry, yes we do have that guilt feeling when we aren't
"doing something useful", especially if we have religious backgrounds.  Sometimes, we just don't have the ability to do what we think we should.  So, if we can do anything to get our mind in a better place, it helps.  Today, started out as a pretty good day, but my mother in law touched on a trigger and my husband and I ended up in a big fight.     Thankfully, I have started seeing a counselor, so I went in and journaled about what had happened, so my counselor will have a heads up.  It helped me so much just to be able to write some of it out and not feel condemned.