Self-Sabotage

[Spirals]

Hi, people 

I've been having a reoccurring issue the last few years, and wonder if anyone on here has dealt with the same or similar issue. I seem to sabotage things that are going well in my life but it's sort of a barely conscious level. Most of the sabotaging happens at a critical point when one bad move could ruin the process, rather than early.

Like for example, I generally do well in classes. But I have noticed a sudden down spiral after my competence is noticed, or I'm nearing the completion of a goal.

I've sure this comes from my childhood abuse. My mother would get jealous of me if I was "smarter" than her, or more attractive. My brother dropped out of HS and once beat me (it was more like a bait then restrain type of weird assault) for working on an essay. My dad also ignores any independence or success, but is financially supportive when I fail in some way (he's like this with all my siblings).

He even refused to pay for my straight-A sister's college (by that point she couldn't get any scholarship) saying he had no money, but then two weeks later he paid the deposit and rent  of a rental house for my brother (only recently stopped paying their bills) for the next few years.

So I know in my family there is only room for one success (Dad and/or my brother), and that failure will be rewarded with love and resources. But don't fail too much either! Or you'll be ignored the same way being too successful is ignored. Then there is the problem of outgrowing my screw-up persona, which is probably related.

I stopped doing drugs, removed dysfunctional relationships out of my life, went back to school, and now I still feel out of control and unsatisfied with my life.

Does anybody have any suggestions how to manage impulsive self-sabotage? Or things that worked for them?

[mourningdove]

I don't have any suggestions right now, but just want to say that I'm listening. I'm sorry that you grew up in what sounds like a no win situation.

And I relate to having parents who are envious of their own children's intelligence, success, and beauty.

[sanmagic7]

i think that sometimes we self-sabotage because as we recover and are making a better life for ourselves the lack of abuse/chaos/stress feels uncomfortable, so we make something neg. happen because that's more like what we've been used to.  i don't do this so much now, but i used to do it more often when things were going well or smoothly, like making neg. choices that included something that wasn't good for me.   

how horrible that seems to me to have that competition thing going on with your family.  that could certainly keep you tense and on edge, even at a subconscious level.   i hope you can work through it as you get further into recovery.  best to you with this.

[Spirals]

Thank you, Mourningdove and Sanmagjc7 for your responses 

Mourningdove,
It really sucks having jealous parents. I feel like I can only win love or make them proud by hurting myself in some way, otherwise it's too disappointing to see the weird looks on their face when I am successful. Now I feel like I'm programmed wrong, and everyone else is running a different Success Program where you are supposed to be a little self-protective/caring and I'm still subconsciously stuck running some kind of codependent code that backfires and causes glitches in my life all the time 


Sanmagic7, 
I was thinking that it was like a withdrawal from the chaos, too. I noticed I seem to be more anhedonic since clearing dysfunction from my life and relationships. It's ironic. I can no longer tolerate the high level of stimulation from the negative stress but it seems like I need high stimulation to enjoy things. I didn't really expect that, hah hah.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to get people to reject me or sabotage my progress, though. It's honestly hard to imagine people loving me. I feel uncomfortable when they try to get to know me in the normal way.  I feel like I'm metaphorically trying to get people to dance a dysfunctional dance with me but nobody is taking the bait, but I'm not yet ready to adjust to normal relationships or something.

Maybe it's just a transition period 

[SM]

From what I can tell, speaking for myself... I struggle with this issue too very much in my personal life. When things are starting to feel amazing and wonderful I break... So backwards it seems. the way I am coming to understand it (and believe me, I'm very new to this) is that CPTSD means we have been In survival mode for as long as we can remember. We don't live, we survive. So, that being said, when you are in survival mode and something great happens, we let our guard down for a moment and relish in the wonder of it only to suddenly get that gnawing feeling in the backs of our minds / thoughts and that twisting in our guts saying "hey, whoa, you're too happy, you are off your game and aren't paying attention and this is when something is going to get you because you aren't paying attention to the bad that could attack you while you're too busy being happy". It's all we know. For us the good was always wiped by the bad over and over. Now when something good happens we are still expecting the bad. We don't sabotage on purpose of course... it's just what we have come to understand and the natural reaction to good. Good for us is not good, It's a distraction that could potentially lose us everything. Such a catch though, because that response is what ends up losing us everything in the end.

it's very much like we have been trying to live by looking in the mirror. what's left is right and vise versa... We will get there. We won't always feel this way and we have each other to help identify what is really good.

Hope this helps you... It's the insight I found for myself that makes sense. xo

[Contessa]

Relate to this as I also used to to it. Don't think i've self sabbotaged for years though. I think what did it was having children in my care, it was all about them and not myself which is possibly how successes came. Knowing where and when the negative thoughts or behaviours would start to pop in for me was when I would make sure to promote the positive for them.

I suppose seeing the reward and happiness without any negative repercussions for them meant I could do it for myself too