Thanks for checking in on me, I think that really shows that you care, and it's awesome that even know you don't know my face, you still remember me. Thank you. I'm touched.
One of the non-affiliate rotations fell through, so I scheduled another one in New York, where I am living, but my landlord unfortunately found other people to live in my home next month, so I have to say goodbye to my peaceful home by the sea and move into another person's apartment as a sublet for a month. This person's place is very pretty and artistic, I really like the design, but I hate Brooklyn. I mean I love visiting it, it's so full of life and culture and art. But I hate crowded spaces, I am just full of stress and I get claustrophobic. I am a mountain woman! I love the crowds when I know it's temporary. So I'm trying to pretend like it's a vacation even though it absolutely is not. Urgh.
I unfortunately failed my latest board exam and must immediately work on retaking it in the hopes the new score will show up on my residency application as soon as possible. So far, I really don't look like a great candidate on paper, even though I know that if I got to the interview stage I would totally kill it. I never look that great on paper. I'm actually not that stressed out about failing, I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be. I think I've dealt with enough failure at this point, or maybe I'm too exhausted to care. Who knows. Either way, I just have to get back on the horse and do it again. Supposedly they like to see that you are determined, just as much as they like to see you be successful, and determined I most certainly am. Resilient, I'm not so sure about that. But determined, yes.
Lately I've been so stressed that I spend my days off mostly staring at the TV and then getting out to stare at the beach waves when the day gets cooler. I honestly hate the summer. I hate heat. I'm a temperate climate sort of person and enjoy the cool air of the mountains, the fresh pine smell. I ache when I see pictures of the Rocky mountains. Literally ache. When I found out I failed my boards my first thought was, * all of this, I'm packing up my stuff and going to the mountains. I will get odd jobs and be there. But then I thought, I have too much debt, I'm in too deep now. So optimistic, aren't I? Good god.
I'm honestly hoping my xanax will help me make it through the worst of times but I also try to process my feelings on my own as best I can. But some days, a little extra help to calm down makes a big difference, makes it less scary for next time. It's great when I care just a little bit less and everyone wonders why I'm so even keel and laid back. I really hope I don't need it someday, and that I can go back to being the happy and adventurous person I was just before medical school. It was a laid back time when I was just a daycare teacher enjoying life, with a small apartment, going on lots of camping, rafting, climbing trips. I realized I need to be near nature to be happy. Which makes living in New York a challenge. But I do my best.
Country road... take me home...
One of the non-affiliate rotations fell through, so I scheduled another one in New York, where I am living, but my landlord unfortunately found other people to live in my home next month, so I have to say goodbye to my peaceful home by the sea and move into another person's apartment as a sublet for a month. This person's place is very pretty and artistic, I really like the design, but I hate Brooklyn. I mean I love visiting it, it's so full of life and culture and art. But I hate crowded spaces, I am just full of stress and I get claustrophobic. I am a mountain woman! I love the crowds when I know it's temporary. So I'm trying to pretend like it's a vacation even though it absolutely is not. Urgh.
I unfortunately failed my latest board exam and must immediately work on retaking it in the hopes the new score will show up on my residency application as soon as possible. So far, I really don't look like a great candidate on paper, even though I know that if I got to the interview stage I would totally kill it. I never look that great on paper. I'm actually not that stressed out about failing, I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be. I think I've dealt with enough failure at this point, or maybe I'm too exhausted to care. Who knows. Either way, I just have to get back on the horse and do it again. Supposedly they like to see that you are determined, just as much as they like to see you be successful, and determined I most certainly am. Resilient, I'm not so sure about that. But determined, yes.
Lately I've been so stressed that I spend my days off mostly staring at the TV and then getting out to stare at the beach waves when the day gets cooler. I honestly hate the summer. I hate heat. I'm a temperate climate sort of person and enjoy the cool air of the mountains, the fresh pine smell. I ache when I see pictures of the Rocky mountains. Literally ache. When I found out I failed my boards my first thought was, * all of this, I'm packing up my stuff and going to the mountains. I will get odd jobs and be there. But then I thought, I have too much debt, I'm in too deep now. So optimistic, aren't I? Good god.
I'm honestly hoping my xanax will help me make it through the worst of times but I also try to process my feelings on my own as best I can. But some days, a little extra help to calm down makes a big difference, makes it less scary for next time. It's great when I care just a little bit less and everyone wonders why I'm so even keel and laid back. I really hope I don't need it someday, and that I can go back to being the happy and adventurous person I was just before medical school. It was a laid back time when I was just a daycare teacher enjoying life, with a small apartment, going on lots of camping, rafting, climbing trips. I realized I need to be near nature to be happy. Which makes living in New York a challenge. But I do my best.
Country road... take me home...