Hope's Journal: 2022

[Armee]

Sending warm support as you get through unexpected house guests. I am not good with that either. It sounds like you are doing a really good job taking care of yourself (all parts) during this. It's an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing it. I'm learning from you and others how to take care of myself too amd am very grateful.

I also think you are doing a good job expressing yourself and pacing trauma work.

Wow. A forced mourning period could be really triggering!

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much 

I think that a mourning period is triggering - I've noticed people writing online about their grief.  I've also noticed how a much younger part/s of myself notice the contrast between seeing the Queen's coffin, and then seeing footage of her life when she was alive, and it's confusing to my younger parts - I am not good with 'goodbyes' - that is triggering to me.  I recognise these things though, and it's good to just notice and reflect on the feelings. 

*********
17th September 2022
I asked my partner if he slept well last night.  He said 'yes'.  He asked me if I did.  I said 'yes'.  He then told me that I had 'sort of screamed out' at one point in the night.  (I hadn't been aware of that).  He told me that he had responded to my screaming by telling me 'It's ok, it's all alright' and apparently I'd said to him 'How do you know it's alright' - but he also said that as I said that I had laughed.  I think that's quite a positive sign that whilst I was interacting with him in my sleep that the humour of the situation came out - it wasn't like terror, it had some humour there.

I see that as a good sign. 

I've been sticking to doing meditation sessions - just short ones about 5 to 10 minutes long - but doing them regularly - once in the morning, then at late morning, and once in the afternoon.  I am just doing breathing meditation and then doing a body scan to relax my body, and I also tell all my inner parts that I am safe and things are ok.  I think it's a good thing, because I do feel like I am getting better at quietening and calming my system. 

I've also been doing the vagus exercises that Bach told me about.

Yesterday I put some music on and ended up really letting some emotion out - I was alone in the house at that time, so I didn't feel self-conscious that anyone would hear me.  It did me some good, and I think I'll do it again when I get a chance.

I took my Breaking Free workbook back to the library.  Somehow I just felt I needed to give myself some space from it for a while, because I want to concentrate on some things I want to get done next week - and so taking a break from the workshop exercises seems the thing I need to do.  But I will continue to journal in my notebook I've started, and get out my feelings that way - as well as coming here too.  The combination of all these things, is helping.

I feel some nice emotions today - as if things might be going to improve in terms of my processing - I do feel like I'm doing ok today.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about your meditation, vagus, and music experiences.  I hope that they support you reaching where you'd like to go. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you for sharing your routine, Hope.  May it continue to support and help you. gentle hugs if you want them.

[Blueberry]

It's great to hear that you felt some nice emotions today Hope

I like hearing that you took that workbook back to the library because of needing to give yourself space. I appreciate hearing that you're feeling more what you need and acting on that feeling. That sounds like progress to me.

Good on you for doing regular exercises - both the meditation and the vagus ones! Regular practice (or regular anything) is something I really struggle with a lot, so admire when someone else can

Good luck through the mourning period in the UK (and Commonwealth). I think I would find it very stifling.

[woodsgnome]

I can vouch for the ins/outs/ups/downs you are living with lately. Just when it can seem pointless we often can be nudged into a different feeling about it all.

My own similar experience of late involved what I thought was a great therapy session, coupled with a visit from a long-ago friend; but followed by a crash, complete with an unreasonable self-doubt and self-loathing ("don't deserve goodness," etc). Then a return to the upside today. Go figure? I've never been able to resolve this, other than the old reminders that cptsd is so deeply embedded it's hard to dislodge, especially in short order.

I hope your rebound and new sense of peace builds; maybe it's all like coursing the fields and venturing past new gates leading to a brighter horizon ahead. Hope so.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary - thank you for your supportive words, I appreciate them. 

Hi Cactusflower - I appreciate those gentle hugs, thank you 

Hi Blueberry - Yes, it was good to experience those positive emotions.  Thanks for your support and hugs   

Hi Woodsgnome - Thank you, I appreciate hearing your experiences, and I am sorry that you've had that crash with self-doubt cycle - I don't think you deserve that for any amount of time - you are a very kind and lovely person in my opinion.  I really liked what you wrote about 'coursing like fields and venturing past new gates leading to a brighter horizon ahead' and I'm definitely hoping that is going to be my horizon, and that of many or all of us - we deserve it, I think!   

**********
19.09.22
I must admit I've been a bit avoidant today - in terms of not really watching much coverage of HRH's funeral.  I have been thinking of her though and I will watch some parts of it later.  I have taken time in the day to walk and contemplate nature, with my partner, and that felt like the right thing to do for us today. 

I realised at the start of the day, when I heard someone talking of today marking a 'final goodbye' - and then realising how triggering I find that word 'goodbye' and all things associated to it.  I couldn't then handle watching the funeral etc, and so I didn't.

I feel quite philosophical this afternoon - we might have another walk later.  Being outside in nature on such days, it's nice. 

Hope 

[Armee]

Nature is amazing. I feel so much better outside too. I'm glad you are feeling pretty good and that you listened to yourself and took the book back and turned off the funeral. 

[sanmagic7]

what armee said, hope.  i, too, find myself feeling calmer, more myself in nature.  it sounds like you're doing a lot of self-care and i'm glad for you.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, hope.  nature herself can be so healing and supportive. Fresh air helps the mood, too. I'm with you.

[Hope67]

   Thank you everyone for what you wrote - I appreciate all of you. 

************
22nd September 2022
Whilst I took the 'Breaking Free' book back to the library, what I hadn't really realised (which makes me wonder how dissociated I might have been when I was in the library) was I brought back several books - I don't want to share the titles of all of them, incase the librarian somehow accesses this forum, and then will know exactly who I am (such is my paranoia about being discovered) - I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's my thought processes about this.

Anyway, I am reading this book now - "#Me Too: You Are Not Alone" by Jyssica Schwartz - which is a compilation of accounts of people's experiences with sexual assault, abuse and harassment.

I am finding it very helpful to read these accounts - although I also notice how much it causes me to think back to my own situations over the years, and at different ages - and literally that I could write quite a lot of things about these things - both as a child and as an adult.  I'm just allowing the thoughts to come and go in my mind - and I keep thinking that there are things people have written that I'd like to keep note of - as they are like gems that I relate to and want to remember.  So I might put a few quoted things here - in my journal - I don't know.  I wished I'd written some things as I had read them this morning, as now I am not sure I'd find them - I could re-read them.

I value having this place to keep stuff like that, because I do from time to time throw away (tear up and throw away) written notes I've made, and I can at least keep these words here - to refer back to - but know that nobody in my home will see them, as they are safe here in the forum.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Hi Hope67,

Safety first, as you say. Balanced by the desire to cautiously hold on, and utilize certain painful gems, as you call them, from these writings. After all, these recollections about the major bumps along the road to building a new outlook on life. And by achieving that, a little here and there, we do notice steps that help us with our own grief.

I also wade in, but as frequently pull back upon encountering some brutish recollections via reading others' tales. It takes a bit, but if I can endure these aftershocks to my memories, I've noticed at least a little bit of relief slides into my overall pained psyche. I don't want the pain again, yet these slight tracks into the troubles I hoped never to experience again in any form -- they can, even with difficulty; at least be glanced at.

It takes lots, though. So I admire your willingness to give these stories a careful, wary glance. Sometimes it can be jolting, and hopefully we're strong enough to at least wade in a bit. The forever temptation is to avoid it all; yet sometimes it does help to find a collective pull with others who've traveled through and out of the initial pain.

I admire the fortitude it takes to do this. As mentioned -- I try, give up, but usually tip-toe back, finding it's always somehow useful (though painful) to do so. It never seems to fully resolve any of my past hurts -- after all, all abuse is senseless to begin with; yet, as is often apparent on this forum -- we are not alone.

[Blueberry]

... incase the librarian somehow accesses this forum, and then will know exactly who I am (such is my paranoia about being discovered) - I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's my thought processes about this.

This caught my eye. I don't think it's ridiculous at all! I use all sorts of words on here to disguise who I am in case FOO ever read. It's sooo unlikely they would, but you never know. I usually write about my little furbabies w/o saying what type they are and have only just recently mentioned one of my nationalities here on the forum, I don't say where i live etc. I think it's good to be cautious, Hope. We have reason for that, it's not paranoia imho. 

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome - yes, safety first, that is important.  I am going to look back to gather and utilize the painful gems from the writings - You mentioned wading in, and then pulling back - but enduring through the aftershocks to memories.  But also relief.

I am finding it validating to read other people's experiences - because I realise how I have minimised many of my own experiences - not seeing them for what they have been.  Being unable to in many ways.  But I am beginning to see more clearly now.  Not all the time, but oftentimes.  Clarity does come through.

Sending you a hug Woodsgnome, and thank you for sharing your experiences. 

(The doorbell just went - now my train of thought is lost a bit...)

Yes, I agree with you Woodsgnome about not being alone anymore, this forum is great in that respect. 

Hi Blueberry - Thank you for sharing that you are also careful about what you write in terms of not wishing to be recognised.  Even as I had written about my fears being ridiculous, part of me said that people here would understand, and wouldn't think it was ridiculous, and you were very kind to say that very thing.  Thank you 

*********
23rd September 2022
I have no idea what I was going to write about - the doorbell went, and it put me off my train of thought.  So I'll leave it for now, and come back another time. 

Hope 

[Armee]

I've found the same to be true Hope about reading others experiences bringing clarity and compassion and understanding of my own. I found Roxanne Gay's book Not That Bad helpful for that too, in case you haven't read it yet. I'll try the book you have now too. Thanks for writing about it here.