Hope's Journal: 2022

[rainydiary]

Hope, what a lovely image of the garden and community members from this forum being present.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee SanMagic CactusFlower Woodsgnome Larry and Rainydiary  and thank you so much for what you each wrote.  I appreciate you all very much.   

***************
19th March 2020
This week has felt like a tough one, for various reasons, but I've reached the weekend, and I'm ok.  Not looking forward to next weekend though, as it will be Mother's Day and I really don't like that occasion at all.  For some reason this year it's affecting me more than it usually does.   Maybe that's because I am more in touch with anger and some angry feelings, whereas in previous years, I wasn't in touch with those emotions, and therefore numb to them...  Not sure if that's what it is.

Hopefully I'll find a way to get through the coming week and through the weekend when Mother's day is there - maybe I can find a way to get through it that won't drag me down so much. 

The past few weeks I've been reading other things - some fiction rather than self-help literature.  That's been interesting because my choice of books still centres around certain themes.  Relationships in families feature in most fiction books of course.  I suppose that's understandable. 

I was thinking about grief in the past couple of days as well, because I've been sometimes thinking about my F, who died a while ago.  I recognise that different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about him, and different feelings.  So far I'm just listening to whatever thought or feeling comes up - and attempting not to judge it, but to listen to it, and hear the point of view expressed. 

I still don't interact in a questioning way with my parts - I think I listen to them more than anything else.

Dreamwise, I had a dream about some of the members of the group 'Abba' - mainly because I had learned that one of them has some memory difficulties, and then in my dream it was as if I was interacting with them, and that I also had some problems with my own memory!  Strange, but that's how it was.

My partner has also told me that I've been having some night time experiences where I am crying out loud in my sleep and telling him that there are bombs falling - and we need to be careful.  I know that's relating to the things happening in the world news at the moment, and my fear about all of those things.  But I haven't been aware of doing that - it's only that he has told me about it.

I think that I was feeling overwhelmed last week, quite a lot of the time, but somehow I am not too bad today - on the weekend.  I hope that I can have a better week next week, and not feel so overwhelmed perhaps.  I'll see how it goes. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing about your week.  I also am glad you said something about the themes of the types of books you read - I've noticed that in myself too.  My favorite tend to be series books that are often mysteries and center on a character that has experienced a lot of trauma and always feels disconnected from others.  I hope that you find some ease this weekend. 

[Not Alone]

I was thinking about grief in the past couple of days as well, because I've been sometimes thinking about my F, who died a while ago.  I recognise that different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about him, and different feelings.  So far I'm just listening to whatever thought or feeling comes up - and attempting not to judge it, but to listen to it, and hear the point of view expressed. 

Being able to listen to thoughts and feelings without judgement is really healthy and kind. Yea for you being able to do that. 

I still don't interact in a questioning way with my parts - I think I listen to them more than anything else.

Listening is a beautiful gift that you bring to your parts.

[Armee]

Hope! 

I am so happy to see you able to write so fully here without feeling like you have to erase. 

Mother's Day can be so difficult for so many different reasons. There are so many along with you who will find it difficult. Maybe it can be a day to just honor all those feelings and to validate them.

I too find myself tending toward books that have a simar theme to what I am dealing with, whether they are trauma self help books or fiction, even when I am trying to give myself a mental break from this stuff I still accidentally do it.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Hope, Mother's Day can be tough for lots of reasons. Might it be possible for you to change it into a day where you pamper yourself, as in the mother to yourself or your inner child you really need? Things coming to mind might be coloring, eating fun foods, maybe going somewhere like a park or toy store, or even buying a yourself a small toy? Sometimes changing the framework of an old custom can help with issues around it. Again, just a thought.

[Snowdrop]

The way you listen to your parts without judgement is beautiful, Hope.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with everyone here, hope.  i hope you find your way thru mother's day in the least stressful way possible.  i'm also very glad for you that you are now writing without censorship.  it is revealing so much more of the lovely person you are, one who is caring, sensitive, and kind, searching for knowledge any way possible.  i think it is a huge accomplishment that you are able to listen to all parts of you without judgment.  what a gift you're giving yourself.  beautiful.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary Not Alone Armee CactusFlower Snowdrop and SanMagic - thank you all very much for what you each said here.   

*************
23rd March 2022

I feel as if I was in a series of EF's last week - and that somehow this day I am released from those a bit, and feel lighter.  I do recognise some of the triggers that affected me, and I'm glad that I was able to do that. 

I'm beginning to wonder about the potential of doing some pen and paper journalling - which is something I had considered a couple of years back, but somehow didn't manage to put into practice.  I've seen a technique that CactusFlower mentioned in another thread on 'inner child' work, and I really thought it looked like something I might be able to use. 

That's also reminded me that I sometimes used to type things between my parts, and that I might have done that a bit in this forum - in some place - maybe I can find one of those threads again, and have a look at how that went.  I've not done that for a long time.  But I do remember it was ok at the time. 

I've helped my partner to get some things for his Mum for Mother's Day.  I must admit that I feel 'bad' about doing any celebrations on Mother's Day - like there's guilt there for helping someone else's mother to enjoy the day.  I don't know what is going to happen yet, or what is expected.  I hope it will be just a short visit to have tea and cake, and that nothing more is expected. 

Weirdly I've ended up inviting someone that I know, who is an older woman than me, to have tea and cake later this week - so a couple of days before Mother's Day.  What is that about?  Why did I choose to do that close to Mother's Day?  It makes me think that a younger part of me is wanting to have a situation where I have a mother figure to socialise with and mark out that event in that way.  Maybe that is what it is.  Anyway, I think the timing of that is interesting, and I wonder about it.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think the timing is interesting, too, hope.  it doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, tho.  i've actually (in my head) done surrogate family members for myself.  at the time it seemed like there was a hole that needed filling.  we do what we can with what we have.  at any rate, i hope your tea and cake days go smoothly, and are enjoyable.  best to you with this.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

As someone whose chosen family is 1000% better than the FOO, I agree that others can fill our needs just as well. Do you like this older woman and value her company? Maybe a part of you is honoring that in place of a mother? I hope tea and cake goes well, it sounds like a lovely visit to have. hugs

[woodsgnome]

I'll just add a small comment from my own experience with a 'surrogate' family. As an adult, but the roles still played out similarly.

Most of my new 'family' occurred from events in my daily life as an adult. How it happened was interesting, but it dawned on me early that these people (a married couple, plus their daughter; also several people I knew from my days in a performing arts (theatre) group. Altogether this new 'family' (we never lived together) lasted a couple of decades, but everyone has now died except me.

That's probably enough said, it's really more of a thumbs up  to allowing this to happen. Mine didn't come about deliberately, and some might consider the relationships as merely a friendship sort, but to one who had no family to speak of whatsoever, this group was indeed a ''family" that I treasure having been a part of. We never spoke as if we were family, but my internal dialogue labeled it as such.

Hope the tea/cakes meet goes well. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic CactusFlower and Woodsgnome

Thank you all very much for what you said.  You all helped me a lot by what you wrote, and I really appreciate it.

Currently I'm focusing on getting through this weekend, as Mother's Day is tomorrow and I know I feel over-whelmed about aspects of that.  Hopefully I will be able to write about my thoughts after it is over, and I also hope to come back to the social event with the older woman I mentioned too - it has happened and it was a good experience. 

I feel as if I want to say more to each of you, SanMagic, CactusFlower and Woodsgnome, but can't currently do that - but I do hope to say more when I next write.  I guess I'm thankful that time is passing and I'm so far ok.

Hope 

[Armee]

Sending you support through mothers day weekend and I am so happy that your time with your friend went well. I would love to hear more about that. I have a few of those types of relationships with older adults and they are rewarding and sad, both.

[Snowdrop]

I hope the weekend has gone ok, Hope. I've been thinking of you and sending support your way.