Out of the Storm

5th January 2022
So I'm starting my new Journal today, and it's already the 5th January.  I hope to continue to get to know the different parts of myself that I've been discovering over the last few years, and I hope to continue on a path towards feeling more comfortable within myself as a whole. 

So it's a start to the journal, and I hope to write regularly.  I also hope to be more open with my communications, and see how it goes. 

Hope  :)

here's hoping you can accomplish what you feel is important for you in this new journal and in your life this year.  right beside you, hope. :hug:

Happy new year and new journaling space.  I have always enjoyed writing and notice I have different spaces for writing in different ways.  I hope you find a way and timing of expression that supports you. 

Happy new year  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Rainydiary and Owl,
Thank you so much for your comments, and good wishes, I appreciate them all.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

13th January 2022
I have found the last few days quite tough in that I've been frequently experiencing EF's and some of those have lasted for a long period of time.  I had one yesterday that lasted through till most of today. 

I am in touch with parts of myself, and feel as if I understand more what is going on, and why I feel certain things, and actually I am 'feeling' more things, and dissociating (sometimes) less. 

I am also more aware of the things that have been triggering me, and I'm fascinated by some of the things I've felt in response to those triggers. 

I am keen to try to express myself more over this coming year, and try to process some thoughts and feelings more. 

Got to go now.

Hope  :)

wow, hope, what a lot of self-realization you've got going on!  sounds like a lot of progress happening.  sorry about the EF's, tho.  those are never fun.  sending love and a hug filled with baskets to put those triggers in and keep them contained. :hug:

 :hug:

 ;)

 :hug:

I'm sorry you are going through a lot of long lasting EFs right now. However you are able to express yourself I'm glad you are here, sharing what you can, and giving much support and warmth.

Thank you Larry and Armee   :hug: :hug:

Hope  :)

23rd January 2022
I came to write something, but now I'm here, I can't write anything.  But I'll come back another day, and hope to write something then.   
Hope  :)

Hi! You wrote something! Small steps. I hope you are doing OK and sending acceptance of just where you are at right now.

Hi hope,  sending warm and positive vibes !

Thinking of you, Hope.

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say I hope you find the space to say what you need to in the journal. We're here to support you.

dolly

Thinking of you Hope.  :wave:

Hi Armee, Larry, Not Alone, dollyvee and Blueberry,    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you each for writing.   

************
30th January 2022

I'm currently doing a lot of processing of things, and whilst I've wanted to write about things here, I've not been able to, as whenever I've come here to write, somehow part of me has resisted, and I've not felt able to write. 

It's happening again - I've been considering what I feel ok to write about, and what I don't feel I can write about, and as a result, I'm not writing anything.  I need to consider how to proceed with this dilemma.  I need to find a way to feel more comfortable to be more open. 

I do know that I ended up in what I think was a dissociated state last week, when I got in touch with intense anger, and I acted on that anger, and did some things as a result that I wouldn't have normally done.  I don't regret it, but it surprised me a lot.  But it has meant that I've begun to re-appraise past things that I've done, and considered that I might have been in a dissociated state when I did certain things in the past.  It was most likely.  Just thinking about this, and recognising it, is I think quite a positive step. 

I think I'll try to do more free-flowing writing, here in my journal, over the coming days, and maybe my various parts will feel ok about that, and I can express some things more openly. 

I'll see how it goes.

Hope  :)

3rd February 2022
I couldn't get in here (to the forum) for a while, and I wanted to thank Kizzie for helping me. 

I also wanted to reflect on the fact that not being able to access the forum caused me to infact realise that I can listen to my various parts, and hear them discuss scenarios, and that is quite a big leap for me, as before I had been listening to them, and taking account of things they say, and how they feel, but having a situation where I was unable to access this very important resource (i.e. a community where I feel like people understand me and what I'm going through) - it was interesting to hear the perspectives of my different parts about it.

I'll try to be braver and share their perspectives -

When initially I couldn't get in here, there was a part that said things like 'Well, that's ok, you don't need that place anyway' - and similar words.  That part told me I would be 'ok' and maybe I don't need to come back here.

There was another part who was very upset, and distraught about it, and wanted me to come back.  Wanted me to find a way to get back.

There was another part that feared that it wouldn't be possible to get back, and infact that part thought that there was some kind of hacking situation, something unsafe going on.

Another part wondered if I should try to come back under a new name, because then I'd be safer, as she was worried about the fact that Hope has shared so many things here in the past, and the paranoid or worried aspect of being recognised by FOO was a potential, and therefore scary.

There was a part who missed the people here whom I've grown to think of as 'friends' - yes, in a virtual sense, rather than face to face friendships, but friendships nevertheless.

**********
I've had a difficult few days also because I've been through the anniversary of when I think my FOO (relative) died.  Again, it's like different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about it.  It's complicated, and there are many different feelings I have about it.  There's part of me that feels upset for the way my relationship has been with that person.  There is part of me that is angry.  There is part of me that is disappointed.  There is part of me who feels nothing about it, who feels numb about it. 

Unfortunately the date of the death coincides with a celebration date of another family member (an 'in-law' kind of family member) and that has made it even more bizarre and weird to experience - because I've put on a 'happy face' for the celebration, but at the same time kept the wall up to hide the other more complex feelings relating to the bereavement.  Yet I can do that.  The walls can be put up, it's that dissociated state of 'being' but 'not being' - I can't probably do justice to it in words.

I've been comfort eating more - and I comfort ate in response to the date where the 'death date' and the 'celebratory date' happened.  I have gained weight in recent weeks, and I really want to do something about that.

I didn't tell my partner about the 'death date anniversary' - at least not until I'd got through the day and helped him to celebrate the 'celebratory occasion' with his relative.  I had basically began crying on our way back home, after the celebration.  I did then explain the reason why, and I think part of me was a bit exasperated with him that he should somehow 'know' about what I'd been through, and known what was going on.  But I also acknowledged that that wasn't realistic, and really, unless I communicated with him, how could I know or remember.  I realised that was a part of me that was upset about having to deal with such things. 

Anyway, I am hoping that things will be a bit better in the coming weeks, as that anniversary is past.  I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it.  Whether to do some kind of ritual thing - but then what kind of thing, because there are so many contrasting thoughts and feelings, most of which I've not really looked at or attempted to process.  I was grateful to SharpandBlunt for mentioning 'complicated grief' - I think it's an apt term, and I've heard of that, and I think there are people who write about it.  Maybe I should find the sources of those things, and have a look.

I'm grateful for all parts of myself, and the fact that they each contribute things to my life each and every day.  I'm getting to know them, and I'm beginning to interact with them - rather than just listening, I've begun to try to empathise with them, and respond to them.  I was too scared to do that before, or at least there was resistance from a stronger part of me, previously.  But I think that has reduced now, so there has been able to be this kind of change.

Anyway, I'm grateful for it.

I feel better for having written these things just now.  I feel ok about writing what I have written, and I am very glad to have been able to re-access this community to write, and I hope that I'll be able to catch up with other people in their journals sometime soon - but right now, I'm tired, it's been draining to get through these days.  But I'm ok.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate all that you shared. I haven't explored parts as a way of explaining stuff I am dealing with.  You are inspiring me to consider that as we can carry such conflicting things inside.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort. 

Hi Hope,

That sounds like it might be helpful to you to look at the source of grief and try to process it in a way that feels right for you. Rituals can be a good way to help let things go.

I'm glad you're feeling safer and more comfortable with your parts   :cheer:

dolly

I think it's great that you could recognize all those different parts and realize how they felt. If it's something you think might work for you, rituals also can give our brains a sense of closure we might not otherwise have had. And they don't have to be elaborate to work. Wishing you peace.

Hi Rainydiary, Dollyvee & CactusFlower,
Thank you all for what you each said.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

*************
8th February 2022
I wanted to read something slightly lighter - because I know I tend to read many self-help books, and this time I chose a book from my local library, and it is called 'Eleonor Oliphant is Completely Fine' or something like that - and I have to say that I found it was a really poignant book, and that I related a lot to her character, and her traumas and her relationship with her mother.  I hadn't realised it was going to be a book that would be infact so apt.  It caused me to cry a couple of times.  It was paced in a way that seemed helpful to me - and I liked the fact there was a therapist that she saw, and therefore I could hear the therapists words and approach, and I felt like I 'fed-off' that experience - like it was something I also benefited from.

I think I've spelled Eleanor wrong above.  But I'll leave it like that.  I am trying not to edit myself.  Literally, not editing myself.

I feel slightly 'high' - as if I'm a bit hyper.  But I don't think I really am, it's just the sense I feel, and notice in my writing here.

Trigger warning (mentioning CSA):

I have also been reading a much heavier book, subject wise.  I hope to write about it in coming days, but not sure if I can process it or make sense of it - big resistance to writing about it yet.  It's a  CSA related book. 

I think I'll put the title here - it's 'Treating the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Psychoanalytic Perspective.'
That book is really good, in my opinion.  It's quite complicated to read - especially as I dissociate a lot whilst trying to read it, but I am finding it is really well written, and really well researched, and although it's written in the 1990's, it seems like it's really pertinent to now.  The authors are Jody Messler Davies and Mary Gail Frawley.  The year of publication is 1994.

I do want to copy this part, which I found particularly helpful:
p.199 of the book
"The adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse is a victim of chronic trauma that varies only by degree and is subject to all the long-term sequelae we have come to associate with PTSD and delayed PTSD, such as dissociation, sudden regression, disorganization of thought processes, visual and somatic representations of as-yet unformulated memory."

I feel spaced out now, and know that just writing that has caused me to drift away, but I wanted to write that here.

Hope  :)

I appreciate your update Hope.  I hope that the reading and experiences you are having are supportive in your journey.

Hi Rainydiary,
Thanks so much  :hug:
Hope  :)

12th February 2022
I have been dreaming a lot this past few days, and the dreams have been really realistic.  I am also experiencing some body pains - and I think those are related to a combination of getting more tense generally, and possibly moving around in my sleep and jerking my neck and other parts of my body, as a result.  I am sore and my body hurts. 

There have been lots of things going on in the past few weeks, and I have been annoyed that I haven't felt able to be open about what those things are.  But I am literally stomped by a part of myself who worries that things I write might be recognised by FOO members.  Hence, I don't write about things as openly as I'd like to.

I have been experiencing some feelings of grief now and then.  Sometimes it is very intense, and othertimes it's as it I'm not affected or touched at all by any emotions - so going between feeling emotions strongly, and then feeling numb.

Trigger warning, mentioning CSA, but nothing graphic

I finished the book I'd been reading most recently, and as is typical for me, if the content is about CSA, it means that my mind tends to shut down, and I rapidly seem to forget what the content was!  That book was incredibly complicated to read, as it was intended for people who are trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy, and therefore it was like the language of a foreign language, BUT, I did get something out of it, as it wrote quite a bit about dissociation, and I enjoyed reading the vignettes about clients and therapists, and felt I learned and related to a lot of what was written there.  I think it affected my dreams, as I dreamed last night that I was sexually assaulted.  It's made me wonder whether it was something that could have happened or not.  I don't know, as I don't think I'd been to that house in the dream, or that I knew the man involved.  But I couldn't see his face.

What I do think is the case, is that I am better able to think back to past things that happened in my life, and that I realise that I was acting sometimes (actually many times) in a dissociated state of mind.  I am 'aware' of it, and now in my day to day life, I can even feel when different parts of me are driving my bus.  I am far less afraid of those parts, as I feel like I've been getting to know them, and trying to interact with them.

But I don't have interactive conversations yet.  I still fear doing that.  I just listen to them, and I reply to them, and try to reassure them, and sympathise with their feelings and thoughts.    I feel like they are beginning to trust me, and know that I'm looking out for them, and that I'm grateful to them for how they tried to protect me over the course of my life. 

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on February 12, 2022, 07:10:01 PM
What I do think is the case, is that I am better able to think back to past things that happened in my life, and that I realise that I was acting sometimes (actually many times) in a dissociated state of mind.  I am 'aware' of it, and now in my day to day life, I can even feel when different parts of me are driving my bus.  I am far less afraid of those parts, as I feel like I've been getting to know them, and trying to interact with them.

But I don't have interactive conversations yet.  I still fear doing that.  I just listen to them, and I reply to them, and try to reassure them, and sympathise with their feelings and thoughts.    I feel like they are beginning to trust me, and know that I'm looking out for them, and that I'm grateful to them for how they tried to protect me over the course of my life.

Hi, Hope.  I just wanted to tell you that it's good to read about your progress with your parts.  I've also spent much of my life in a dissociated or semi-dissociated state and I've been trying to get to know my parts as you describe here.  Interactions are limited because most of the time my parts really still don't seem to want to deal with me.  Earlier today I got a feeling of a happy little girl in me.  I tried to engage her but she ran and hid.  Still though, it's good to know that she's in there.  I've been trying to find her for years. 

Thank you as always for sharing your journey  :hug:

Hi Hope. Wow! I love that you have been able to write so much here. It's incredible, especially where you intentionally kept yourself from editing a possible misspelling. This makes me smile, that you were able to do this.  :cheer:

It's really hard when things we read are speaking to us but we don't quite have the context to know exactly how it relates. Your body is speaking to you through dissociation and there's a lot of truth if not details in what it says to you. The excerpt you shared...about "as yet unformulated memory" is powerful and scary.

what a lot of progress you've made, hope, in all this writing you're doing, and a lot of courage as well.  kudos to you - you're very special as both a person and a forum member.  thanks for being here.

it's also been good to know i wasn't the only one with the forum problems.  i'm glad they're past and we can be together again.  love and hugs :hug:

 :wave:

Thank you all for your replies - I am intending on writing something to each of you, but will hope to do that later - maybe tomorrow - as today is a day I'm hoping to chill out and maybe read something that is hopefully relaxing.  A magazine or something like that.  Just wanted to pop by and say that I appreciate what you've each written - and I am so thankful of this community space to write and journal in.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Hope, I hope your day was relaxing and that you enjoyed what you did.

Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you, I did enjoy some of that day, and it was relaxing in places.   :hug:

22.02.22
I am so excited to write on a pallendrome day, as they are rare.  That excited me to see that it was one of those days. 

As I write this now, I am aware that I've got a mix of emotions - I've been reading things online and getting a bit anxious about world events, but at the same time, it has made me feel as if I need to make the most of my life, and live my life in as free a way as I can.  So it's a mixture.  I did have some night terror experiences last night, and my partner told me that I sat on the edge of the bed, bolt upright, at one point, but thankfully I didn't do anything further than that.  I do remember that in my sleep, I felt as if I contacted the terrorised part of myself, who I think is a very young part, and saw brief flashes of something graphic, and also felt the terror of a feeling.  It was 'terror'.  But I didn't react to it beyond telling myself that 'A part of myself is triggered' and that helped me to get my brain back online.  I don't know if that actually happened, as it's sketchy and hazy relating to it.

Thank you for commenting in my journal, and I want to respond individually:

Bach  I was so glad to hear that you had some contact with the happy little girl part, and even though she ran and hid, when you tried to make contact with her, at least she is brave enough to show herself to you - I think that's a good contact.  I hope that she will make more contact, and feel safer as time goes on to be with you more.  I am grateful to you too for sharing your experiences with your parts, as it helps me to continue to do the same thing - and I really feel it's a positive thing to try to do that.   :hug:

Armee Thank you for what you said.   :hug: I think you describe things really well, and they make sense to me.  The body speaking through dissociation makes sense, and I try to listen to everything that happens relating to my body.  I have felt so numb and unconnected from it for so many years, but it is definitely beginning to communicate with me, and I am beginning to feel and experience more things relating to my body. 

SanMagic Thank you so much  :hug:  I love and value you, and everything you say.  I am thankful you're here - although of course I wish that none of us had to experience things we've experienced - but maybe that makes us empathise more and have greater depth, I don't know, but it's a way I like to re-frame it.    Yes, it was disconcerting not to be able to access the forum for a while, with the certification issues, but thankfully I think it's fine again now, and Kizzie helped a lot with putting things right. 

Larry Thank you so much for coming by and your cheery wave  :wave:  I appreciated you doing that. 

***************
22.02.22
I couldn't resist putting the date again, I really like it. 

Can't think of anything else to say now, so I'll stop writing now. 

Hope  :)

The date with all the 2s is so special and I like it too.  :)

Happy 2222!

I hope you rest better tonight. Those fleeting hazy things can be disruptive and confusing in their own right. I really like how you talked yourself through it.

Hi Rainydiary & Armee  :hug: :hug:  Thanks for what you wrote. 

************
7th March 2022
I didn't manage to get here for a while, and now I see the date when I last wrote, I didn't realise how long it was.  March now.  I've been overwhelmed by the events in the news, and upset about that.  It triggered a lot for me, far more than I realised it would.  I think that's understandable though, as I see how upset others have been, and realise it's normal to feel that way.  But it has made me think about generational trauma, and how pertinent that is. 

I've been dreaming more, and noticed that I've been having dreams that are very 'out of character' - I mentioned the word 'fantasising' in my reply to Rainydiary (in her journal) and how I rarely do that, but somehow in recent days the content of my dreams has involved things that I wouldn't normally feel or experience.  I don't feel able to mention the content of them, as I feel embarrassed by it.  But I thought also that dreaming/thinking/fantasising isn't 'real life' and therefore it's ok.  I recognise that.  I know that.  Why am I so harsh on myself, or putting myself into boxes where I feel I have to behave or act a certain way.  It's not necessarily very healthy to do that.

I started watching the latest version of 'The Secret Garden' the other day, and realised that it was set in 1947 and was related to historical events, and somehow that had evaded me before.  It was like I couldn't see that side of it.  Now I recognise more the dark impact of those times on the author of that book, and realise why she also wrote about 'The Little Princess' and the themes in that book also.  I felt I was able to see more things in the book this time, it has so many levels to it.

I've been feeling more anger lately too - beginning to process some things from my teenage years and early 20's and actually think about my feelings relating to those things, and acknowledge that I did have feelings of anger - but that the expression of those feelings was just not allowed, and that they were repressed and pushed down.  But I still carry those feelings within, and maybe project them onto things - rather than where they should be. 

I noticed when I was replying to someone's diary that my words began to dry up, and now I can't remember what it was that I was talking about - except that it was mentioning the relationship to food, and I think I wrote about comfort eating.  Then I felt the distance and drying up of my words  and thought.  But I managed to keep writing some things, and I managed to write here, so I'm glad of that.

Hope  :)

QuoteI've been overwhelmed by the events in the news, and upset about that.  It triggered a lot for me, far more than I realised it would.  I think that's understandable though, as I see how upset others have been, and realise it's normal to feel that way.  But it has made me think about generational trauma, and how pertinent that is.

Same here, Hope. You're definitely not alone with that.

I need to watch The Secret Garden some time. Thank you for reminding me. :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on February 03, 2022, 07:34:28 PM
I'm grateful for all parts of myself, and the fact that they each contribute things to my life each and every day.  I'm getting to know them, and I'm beginning to interact with them - rather than just listening, I've begun to try to empathise with them, and respond to them.  I was too scared to do that before, or at least there was resistance from a stronger part of me, previously.  But I think that has reduced now, so there has been able to be this kind of change.

Anyway, I'm grateful for it.

Beautiful.  :grouphug:

world events are also distressing me, hope - you're not alone in that at all.  i'm just grateful for you and everyone here - it's like a feeling of sanity in the midst of chaos. 

i read 'the secret garden' a long time ago, have a lovely velvet-covered edition, but had no idea of the levels you mentioned.  glad you did - i think i might dig it up and read it again. 

best to you with your dreams - i know they can feel embarrassing to admit to.  i've had a few of those kinds myself.  don't know that they have anything to do with reality, except maybe as a safety valve of some kind.  i don't know - that's how i think of mine.  i'm glad, tho, that you're beginning to feel some emotions and that you're recognizing that they may belong elsewhere than where you've projected them at times.  you're doing a lot of great work, my dear.  keep it up.  love and a big hug to protect you. :bighug:

Hi Hope,

it sounds like you're making progress in letting yourself feel things that you wouldn't normally. The news is very difficult to watch for me right now as well and find it really overwhelming. Glad you've found a way to cope with it.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok  :hug:
dolly

Hi Snowdrop - Yes, it's been tough and thank you so much for your supportive words, I appreciate them, and I am so glad to know you're ok and I hope you're recuperating well from your nerve damage.   :hug:

Hi Not Alone - You are lovely to say that, thank you.  I had forgotten I'd written that, and it was a good reminder to me of the process I had been experiencing - it had been taken off to a tangent for a while, with recent events, but I need to continue to be there for the various parts of myself, in that way, and I hope to.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic - Thanks for what you wrote, you are lovely.   I am also very grateful for everyone here, and for you - you are a stabilising and kind and very warm person (in my opinion).      :hug:

I like the sound of your velvet-covered edition of 'The Secret Garden' that sounds gorgeous.  I hope you enjoy re-reading it, should you decide to.   

I think you're right about feeling some emotions - it's definitely happening more now.

Hi Dollyvee - Thank you, I appreciate what you said, and I also definitely appreciate the support and hug, and reciprocate that to you as well  :hug:

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8th March 2022
Woodsgnome - I don't know if you'll read this, but I wanted to say that I love your enthusiasm for 'The Secret Garden' - I saw what you wrote to someone in reply to a mention about it, and part of my 'safe space' kind of meditation kind of things I sometimes do involves thinking about a beautiful garden where many of us here in the forum might be strolling and enjoying the leaves, flowers and sights in that garden, and you and Blueberry, Snowdrop, Armee, Dollyvee, Not Alone, Bach, Kizzie and many many people here that I've not listed are just popping by there from time to time. 

(Interesting that as I'm writing now, I'm feeling as if I'm being led by a part of myself that is very keen to engage with people, and to feel the support and care of other people.  It's a part of myself that is more optimistic and feels like a warm presence.  I don't always feel like that when I'm writing, but I do feel that very strongly right now.  I hope it's not too much for anyone - I feel like another part of myself is cautioning me that I'm being too 'sweet and sickly' with my words.  But I do mean them genuinely. 

Even as I write that, there's a part of myself that feels a sting of upset and wants to cry.  It's like that part reaches out and grabs at my chest as if to pull me backwards and stop me from communicating, but as I write about that, it feels like it's subsided and gone away. 

Now I don't know what to say, it's like my words have dried up. 

I am however glad to have written something here.  I am so grateful for this place.

Hope  :)

This is the sweetest post. Not sweet in a bad way but in a very good way. I'm happy to be part of your mental safe space. I wish I could make one for myself too. One day!

I'm so happy to see you able to say more here.  :grouphug:

hope, i just love you being more open lately, sweeter.  i think being sweet is lovely, and coming from you it sounds sincere.  i hope you don't stop.  it's a kindness, to my mind, and i do believe this world can use more kindness.  you've always been caring and careful not to upset anyone here and it seems like you're adding more depth to that aspect of you lately.  it's absolutely not to much for me.  i'm enjoying it, enjoying the more open hope.  love and hugs  :bighug:

Hope -
I don't think it's sickly sweet at all. I think it's very kind and caring, and shows a beautiful part of you. I am also grateful for this space, and very glad you're a part of it! Thank you for this connection.  :hug:

Yes, indeed, Hope -- I admit to an ongoing passionate enthusiasm for "The Secret Garden", especially the original prescient book and its 1975 TV (now on YouTube) adaptation.

I'd heard vague references to it, but didn't personally encounter it until it was mentioned in this forum a couple years back. So I took a casual look, and felt an instant rapport with my inner garden, shall we say.

Elsewhere I've written that I feel I could teach a graduate level course about it. I virtually based a summer's length of therapy sessions built around how the various elements affected me.

More importantly, let me add my support per what the others have been saying here -- it's always good to see your contributions here, and to admire your willingness to share so much, even when it's a hard pull for you.

:hug:

 ;)

Hope, what a lovely image of the garden and community members from this forum being present.

Hi Armee SanMagic CactusFlower Woodsgnome Larry and Rainydiary  :grouphug: and thank you so much for what you each wrote.  I appreciate you all very much.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

***************
19th March 2020
This week has felt like a tough one, for various reasons, but I've reached the weekend, and I'm ok.  Not looking forward to next weekend though, as it will be Mother's Day and I really don't like that occasion at all.  For some reason this year it's affecting me more than it usually does.   Maybe that's because I am more in touch with anger and some angry feelings, whereas in previous years, I wasn't in touch with those emotions, and therefore numb to them...  Not sure if that's what it is.

Hopefully I'll find a way to get through the coming week and through the weekend when Mother's day is there - maybe I can find a way to get through it that won't drag me down so much. 

The past few weeks I've been reading other things - some fiction rather than self-help literature.  That's been interesting because my choice of books still centres around certain themes.  Relationships in families feature in most fiction books of course.  I suppose that's understandable. 

I was thinking about grief in the past couple of days as well, because I've been sometimes thinking about my F, who died a while ago.  I recognise that different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about him, and different feelings.  So far I'm just listening to whatever thought or feeling comes up - and attempting not to judge it, but to listen to it, and hear the point of view expressed. 

I still don't interact in a questioning way with my parts - I think I listen to them more than anything else.

Dreamwise, I had a dream about some of the members of the group 'Abba' - mainly because I had learned that one of them has some memory difficulties, and then in my dream it was as if I was interacting with them, and that I also had some problems with my own memory!  Strange, but that's how it was.

My partner has also told me that I've been having some night time experiences where I am crying out loud in my sleep and telling him that there are bombs falling - and we need to be careful.  I know that's relating to the things happening in the world news at the moment, and my fear about all of those things.  But I haven't been aware of doing that - it's only that he has told me about it.

I think that I was feeling overwhelmed last week, quite a lot of the time, but somehow I am not too bad today - on the weekend.  I hope that I can have a better week next week, and not feel so overwhelmed perhaps.  I'll see how it goes. 

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate you sharing about your week.  I also am glad you said something about the themes of the types of books you read - I've noticed that in myself too.  My favorite tend to be series books that are often mysteries and center on a character that has experienced a lot of trauma and always feels disconnected from others.  I hope that you find some ease this weekend. 

Quote from: Hope67 on March 19, 2022, 12:34:18 PM
I was thinking about grief in the past couple of days as well, because I've been sometimes thinking about my F, who died a while ago.  I recognise that different parts of myself have different thoughts and feelings about him, and different feelings.  So far I'm just listening to whatever thought or feeling comes up - and attempting not to judge it, but to listen to it, and hear the point of view expressed. 

Being able to listen to thoughts and feelings without judgement is really healthy and kind. Yea for you being able to do that.  :applause:

Quote from: Hope67 on March 19, 2022, 12:34:18 PM
I still don't interact in a questioning way with my parts - I think I listen to them more than anything else.

Listening is a beautiful gift that you bring to your parts.

Hope!  :cheer:

I am so happy to see you able to write so fully here without feeling like you have to erase.  :applause:

Mother's Day can be so difficult for so many different reasons. There are so many along with you who will find it difficult. Maybe it can be a day to just honor all those feelings and to validate them.

I too find myself tending toward books that have a simar theme to what I am dealing with, whether they are trauma self help books or fiction, even when I am trying to give myself a mental break from this stuff I still accidentally do it.

Hugs, Hope, Mother's Day can be tough for lots of reasons. Might it be possible for you to change it into a day where you pamper yourself, as in the mother to yourself or your inner child you really need? Things coming to mind might be coloring, eating fun foods, maybe going somewhere like a park or toy store, or even buying a yourself a small toy? Sometimes changing the framework of an old custom can help with issues around it. Again, just a thought.

The way you listen to your parts without judgement is beautiful, Hope. :hug:

i agree with everyone here, hope.  i hope you find your way thru mother's day in the least stressful way possible.  i'm also very glad for you that you are now writing without censorship.  it is revealing so much more of the lovely person you are, one who is caring, sensitive, and kind, searching for knowledge any way possible.  i think it is a huge accomplishment that you are able to listen to all parts of you without judgment.  what a gift you're giving yourself.  beautiful.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Hi Rainydiary Not Alone Armee CactusFlower Snowdrop and SanMagic - thank you all very much for what you each said here.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

*************
23rd March 2022

I feel as if I was in a series of EF's last week - and that somehow this day I am released from those a bit, and feel lighter.  I do recognise some of the triggers that affected me, and I'm glad that I was able to do that. 

I'm beginning to wonder about the potential of doing some pen and paper journalling - which is something I had considered a couple of years back, but somehow didn't manage to put into practice.  I've seen a technique that CactusFlower mentioned in another thread on 'inner child' work, and I really thought it looked like something I might be able to use. 

That's also reminded me that I sometimes used to type things between my parts, and that I might have done that a bit in this forum - in some place - maybe I can find one of those threads again, and have a look at how that went.  I've not done that for a long time.  But I do remember it was ok at the time. 

I've helped my partner to get some things for his Mum for Mother's Day.  I must admit that I feel 'bad' about doing any celebrations on Mother's Day - like there's guilt there for helping someone else's mother to enjoy the day.  I don't know what is going to happen yet, or what is expected.  I hope it will be just a short visit to have tea and cake, and that nothing more is expected. 

Weirdly I've ended up inviting someone that I know, who is an older woman than me, to have tea and cake later this week - so a couple of days before Mother's Day.  What is that about?  Why did I choose to do that close to Mother's Day?  It makes me think that a younger part of me is wanting to have a situation where I have a mother figure to socialise with and mark out that event in that way.  Maybe that is what it is.  Anyway, I think the timing of that is interesting, and I wonder about it.

Hope  :)

i think the timing is interesting, too, hope.  it doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, tho.  i've actually (in my head) done surrogate family members for myself.  at the time it seemed like there was a hole that needed filling.  we do what we can with what we have.  at any rate, i hope your tea and cake days go smoothly, and are enjoyable.  best to you with this.  love and hugs :hug:

As someone whose chosen family is 1000% better than the FOO, I agree that others can fill our needs just as well. Do you like this older woman and value her company? Maybe a part of you is honoring that in place of a mother? I hope tea and cake goes well, it sounds like a lovely visit to have. hugs

I'll just add a small comment from my own experience with a 'surrogate' family. As an adult, but the roles still played out similarly.

Most of my new 'family' occurred from events in my daily life as an adult. How it happened was interesting, but it dawned on me early that these people (a married couple, plus their daughter; also several people I knew from my days in a performing arts (theatre) group. Altogether this new 'family' (we never lived together) lasted a couple of decades, but everyone has now died except me.

That's probably enough said, it's really more of a thumbs up  :thumbup: to allowing this to happen. Mine didn't come about deliberately, and some might consider the relationships as merely a friendship sort, but to one who had no family to speak of whatsoever, this group was indeed a ''family" that I treasure having been a part of. We never spoke as if we were family, but my internal dialogue labeled it as such.

Hope the tea/cakes meet goes well. 

Hi SanMagic CactusFlower and Woodsgnome

Thank you all very much for what you said.  You all helped me a lot by what you wrote, and I really appreciate it.

Currently I'm focusing on getting through this weekend, as Mother's Day is tomorrow and I know I feel over-whelmed about aspects of that.  Hopefully I will be able to write about my thoughts after it is over, and I also hope to come back to the social event with the older woman I mentioned too - it has happened and it was a good experience. 

I feel as if I want to say more to each of you, SanMagic, CactusFlower and Woodsgnome, but can't currently do that - but I do hope to say more when I next write.  I guess I'm thankful that time is passing and I'm so far ok.

Hope  :)

Sending you support through mothers day weekend and I am so happy that your time with your friend went well. I would love to hear more about that. I have a few of those types of relationships with older adults and they are rewarding and sad, both.

I hope the weekend has gone ok, Hope. I've been thinking of you and sending support your way. :hug:

Sending you warm thoughts, Hope.  :hug:

Hello Armee Snowdrop and Not Alone - Thank you all for what you said.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

*************
12th April 2022

I needed the support of this forum quite a few times in the past few days, and especially over Mother's Day weekend too, and I was able to come here and read things, and feel supported just be doing that.  Unfortunately, whilst I wanted sometimes to write things here, I wasn't able to do so - so I didn't fight that, I just went with it - that's how it was. 

I think I've had more strong EF's in recent days - situations where I've blended with parts of me that hold some really intense feelings - things like abandonment, terror, depression - I've managed to tolerate those feelings, and sit with them more, and actually tried to welcome those parts and communicate in some passive way with them.  I also used advice from Janina Fisher to remind myself that those parts of myself were triggered, and to be curious about the experience, thereby getting my brain online again.  That was helpful,  but I realise how difficult it is when I'm blended with parts.  But separation does happen with continual reminding that I'm triggered and blended.

I had some dreams that were vivid and seemed to be processing things more.  They were about my parents, and their lives, and how they'd kept things from me a secret, at least in terms of never talking about things, and how dysfunctional that felt.  But I also felt as if I was in the dream along with them in an earlier phase of their life, and that I could see some of their challenges that were in their lives in that time, and felt some understanding of those things, and some compassion for those things. 

But I've also felt some anger too.  Anger that they never explained things, and somehow thought I should just put up with how things were.  As if I had no rights, and no ability to challenge the status quo.  Powerless.  Not understanding.  Not a nice feeling.

I've also experienced being blended with a part of myself that feels vulnerable, and feels 'older' than I actually am, although I realise I am getting older.  That part seems to want me to go to see the medical doctor, and have a check-over of a few things.  But, there's another part that is phobic of attempting to see a doctor, and I don't think I'll be able to make myself go.  Therefore, those parts are definitely at odds with each other.  But I feel both their presences in my body, and their thought processes are at odds.

I've started reading a book by Gabor Mate called 'In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts' and it's about addictions, and it's really interesting so far.  I want to quote a couple of things he said:

"When it comes to understanding addiction, the dilemma of NOT SEEING is deep.  Our defences will not allow us to be aware of our own pain and the dysfunctions in which we seek escape from it."  (I really relate to NOT SEEING things for much of my earlier life.  My defences were indeed strong, to stop me from truely appreciating the deception around me, and that hurts that I now see things more clearly, as my defences are being broken down, or changing.

Gabor Mate said "Truth, as we know, brings freedom even as it may evoke pain." - this helps me because I do feel more pain recently, as I am looking more at the truth of things, rather than them being hidden from view via my defences.

Gabor Mate also wrote this:
"Recurring themes emerge in my interviews with addicts:
the drug as emotional anaesthetic
antidote to a frightful feeling of emptiness
tonic against fatigue, boredom, alienation and a sense of personal inadequacy
stress reliever
social lubricant
open the portals of spiritual transcendence.
He goes on to say: "It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug of the addictive behaviour.  Far more than a quest for pleasure, chronic substance use is the addict's attempt to escape distress."

"A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours.  It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic."

I particularly related to this:
"Automatic repression of painful emotion as a helpless child's prime defence mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma that would otherwise be catastrophic."  Consequence = wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.

((Thinking about my fear of doctors - this part resonates a lot - Gabor Mate says: "As an authority figure, the doctor triggers deeply ingrained feelings of childhood powerlessness in many of us." - Perhaps that's why I fear the doctor so much! 

Gabor Mate says "Imprinted in the developing brain circuitry of the child subjugated to abuse or neglect is fear and distrust of powerful people, especially of caregivers.  In time this ingrained wariness is reinforced by negative experiences with authority figures such as teachers, foster parents and members of the legal system or the medical profession."  (Yes, this makes sense to me, I relate to that very much).

A couple of things he said about 'mothers' also resonated in relation to my thoughts about my own mother:

"I have no doubt that if Serena's mother spoke about her life, an equally painful narrative would emerge.  The suffering down here is multigenerational."
Also, he said:
"You have always felt unwanted.  And desperate as you are to offer your baby what you never experienced - a loving welcome into this world - in the end, you'll give her the same message of rejection."

Those sentences meant something to me, when thinking about my mother.  How things pass down generations.  I know I have no children of my own, so I can't pass anything on in that way.  But I also feel sad that I didn't have a child or children.  I feel that now as I write this.  I think I'd defended from that sense of loss and the painful feeling of that realisation.  I've not really felt it so strongly but it makes me feel tearful and stings.

Good to have written some things here today.  Glad to be writing in my Journal again. 

Hope  :)

I read your observations Hope. I appreciate you sharing.

I'm really glad you were able to wrote and related to the excerpts you shared, too. Thank you for that!

Anger is a hard one and it seems like really good progress that you are feeling that about the secrets and powerlessness you were pushed under by as a kid.

i related to the idea of pain being behind all addictions, hope.  i truly believe it is.  we've survived so much pain, more than anyone should have to, and we've all found some kind of survival mechanism to help us cope.  it can just be too much and needs to be numbed at times.  for some of us, 'at times' just isn't enough.

thanks for writing this down, my dear.  i felt it in my heart.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Rainydiary Armee and SanMagic  - thank you for what you wrote.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

*************
16th April 2022
I've just been attempting to say some things in response to some people's journals, but I noticed that I feel as if I am steeped in treacle, with the ability to express what I want to say, and that there's critical parts who tell me I'm not expressing myself well, so I thought I'd come here to my own journal and just write things here for a bit.

I had difficulty getting online earlier, and that was stressful.  I wonder whether it's the traffic on the Easter weekend, and lots of people on the internet at once.  Not sure, but I managed to cope by doing something else and then returning here.

I'm finding the Easter weekend to be quite difficult emotionally - I realise it's triggering me that it's typically viewed as a 'family' kind of time, and so I think that's what is going on - triggering my younger parts.  I am trying to ensure there's things for my younger parts to look forward to - but those seem to be relating to food items.  But I guess that's ok.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I relate to the feelings of Easter weekend.  I hope that the weekend passes smoothly. 

hope, that treacle feeling can be such a downer.  i can relate.  wanting to do something yet not really able to.  sucks.  hope your easter wk.end goes smoothly.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Rainydiary and SanMagic - thanks so much for what you said, and it helps to see that you relate, and I feel glad that the Easter weekend is nearly over.  It's been a tough one!

**********
18th April 2022
I have been much more emotional this Easter weekend - my emotions have been bubbling up to the surface, I've been feeling things more, and I've been expressing things to my partner and talking about things - as I couldn't keep the emotions down, and so he saw them in their naked vulnerableness.  But he is a kind and sensitive and caring man, and he talked to me, and heard me, and listened to me, and I am lucky to have such a lovely person to do that.

I feel more positive about the days ahead somehow, as I've nearly got to the end of this weekend, and although I feel emotionally drained, I also feel as if I can cope a bit better somehow.  As if i've got more strength than I thought I did.  Some resilience. 

I hope that I can keep hold of that sense of optimism, and that it will indeed strengthen me as I go into the coming days.

Hope  :)

i hope you can retain that optimism as well, Hope.  it sounds like a shift has been made and you're now able to allow your emotions and vulnerability.  so very very glad you have a man like that.  it's wonderful, he's wonderful.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope, I've noticed the same in me recently....having slightly more raw emotion showing to my significant other. I see it as nothing but tremendous progress in being able to feel and not shutting down. Feeling safe enough to let go in front of someone you love is huge. I see signs of you healing so much this year.

Hope, I'm glad you have a supportive partner that you can share with.  It is so interesting to me how certain things or events or days bring up so many feelings.  I hope the intensity tones down and gives you a chance to rest. 

hi hope

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you were able to express the things coming up for you and felt some relief from it. That sounds great and that you're able to wprk through some things. I think we come out stronger on the other side when that happens even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

dolly

Hi SanMagic Armee Rainydiary Larry and Dollyvee - Thank you all for what you said, and I appreciate you all  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

***********
27th April 2022
I was concentrating on responding to things in the forum, and finding that my inner critic was in my ear whilst I was doing so, but thankfully I've managed to write what I wanted to write, without overly changing what I was saying - then the phone rang, and my partner answered it - meaning I was then handed the phone unexpectedly - and I had to deal with something quickly - without the ability to plan it, or decide what I was going to say - and I realised how challenging that is (I already know how challenging that is, but I've been more actively paying attention to things lately - so it was exacerbated).  Anyway, I had to say 'no' to a request on the phone, and unfortunately the person who asked me is someone I know personally - shouldn't have been, as the organisation that phoned shouldn't really use people who 'know' each other.  I feel annoyed now.  But I also feel good that I was able to say 'no' - as that was what I wanted to do.

I've been finding Gabor Mate's book about Addiction to be really helpful.  I've been writing lots of notes on it.  I am finding his final chapters of that book to be hopeful as he gives some helpful suggestions that I am considering, and which build on other things I've read before, and approaches that make sense to me.  He talks of 'bare attention' and also uses a step approach that Dr Schwartz created for people with OCD, but which can be applied to issues relating to addiction, including issues of overeating (which I do succumb to).  I'm considering trying that approach to see if it will help me with the comfort eating side of myself.  I already tried to start using it yesterday, but my partner encouraged me to join him for something to eat out - so I ended up eating more than I would have done normally.  So not the best day to start it. 

My partner told me I had some sleep issues last night - talking about things hurting in my body, but he said I'd said 'My thing hurts' - he told me that he'd then gone through the body parts, asking me 'do your legs hurt?' I'd reply 'No' till he got to my hands, and then I'd said 'yes, my hand hurt' and he'd asked me if he could rub them for me and that's when I remember the situation, as I do remember him rubbing my hands, which had been experiencing pins and needles and had gone dead from lack of blood circulation.  I don't remember any of the previous conversation of him asking about my pain.

I've noticed a tendency for myself to avoid talking about things that are painful or describing the horrible feelings I get.  I think I find it hard to do that.  But I feel them.  They come in waves.

I think I will feel a bit sad when the Gabor Mate book comes to an end, and I think I might try to get hold of another of his books.  But maybe I'll read something else, or look for something different.  I sometimes feel as if I might be dependent on the self-help side of literature, but I wonder, is that a bad thing?  It helps me.   I think so.

I'm still feeling bad about the fact I just declined the request on the phone from the person I know.  I felt no sense of control on that situation.  It's like my personal space was intruded on, and I feel violated by it.  But it was a simple request, and I had a right to say no.  But now I worry about what that person will think.  Will they judge me.  Too much thought - if I look with bare attention, it's related to past things that makes me feel that way.  It's not commensurate to the current present situation.  I realise that.  I need to mindfully attend to that.

Actually I realise I don't really know what I'm doing with that step approach.  I really don't.  It's like I was too dissociated to understand/comprehend it, and maybe parts of myself are avoidant or don't want me to. 

There is part of me now that feels very resistant to my writing all of this, and is telling me that I'm 'mad' and 'stupid' and stuff like that.  What will they think of you?  Those kind of thoughts.

My answer to that part is:  Leave her alone, I understand your wish to be cautious, and I thank you for being cautious in the past, but it's not needed now - there's nothing in the present that warrants that level of censor.  Hope wants to live her life and do things that she wants to do.  Allow her some space.  Some opportunity to work out what she wants and needs. 

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things. 

Hope  :)

hope, i'm glad you wrote all this, too.  it's so wonderful to see how you've mostly overcome that inner cr. and have allowed yourself to be you and write what you want.  i give you all credit for that, and respectfully say that your inner cr. is completely wrong about its assessment of you as being stupid or mad.  rather, i see you coming into your own, becoming your own person, climbing to the top of the well where you'd been tossed oh so long ago.  such strength and perseverance, hope.  i admire you.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

I deeply appreciate the real you coming through here. Agree with San, the ic is so very wrong about you. You come across as deeply deeply intelligent and very sane. When people challenge my inner critic though that I am stupid and bad and wrong there's some serious blowback and I feel it a 100x worse.

I am so proud of you for saying no. It wasn't right for them to send you someone on a personal basis either.

Hope, thank you for sharing your experience.  I appreciate your reflections on Gabor Mate - I have been interested in reading their work.  Best wishes navigating the feelings coming up for the boundary you set.

 ;),  sending positive vibes,     you are an amazing person.....

Hope, thank you for what you shared. I might look into the Gabor Mate book to help with my eating issues. I'm not ready to got there yet.

Hi SanMagic, Armee, Rainydiary, Larry, and Not Alone,

I am thankful to all of you for what you said, and am sending you each a hug  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

*************
7th May 2022

I have no idea what I'll write today, but I wanted to touch base here and say something, because I feel that I can share things in my diary and in this place, and even though my inner critic parts sometimes get cross or upset with me for doing so, I know that it helps me to re-read things later, and it also helps to just be able to have a place to write things.

I've been communicating more with a part of myself who feels/experiences some very strong emotions - I think she's a very young part of myself - I don't even know if she can speak or whether she's verbal, but I know she's there, and whatever she experienced was terrifying to her - she sometimes shares those 'feelings' with me when I'm trying to get to sleep at night - and now, I tend to speak to her when I experience that 'dread' - and say things like 'It's ok, I'm here with you, I know you're there' and I often try to remind myself to touch my head in a cradling way, and 'feel' her presence within, and tell her that she's ok.  Sometimes I hug myself, again telling her that she's safe.  It does seem to help, because I feel her respond within me. 

I haven't felt that I can 'talk to her' though - in that, I feel tentative to upset her or scare her off.  I want her to communicate with me, but I guess that I or another part of me is scared about what she might then share with me - because the feelings are so incredibly dark and upsetting. 

I went for a walk today - and was thinking about the article that Armee shared, which was about grief and different kinds of mothering, and it was helpful.  I'm not grieving my M, as she's still alive, but I am grieving the loss of the relationship with a mother - I am grieving my D, as he is dead, but yet oftentimes I don't know that I really feel the reality of that.

There's been a TV programme called 'The Other One' which is about two sisters whose father died, and they didn't know about each other's existence till his funeral - as it was a hidden relationship, and somehow watching that and seeing how those two women are getting to know each other - and how they have been grieving the death of their Dad - it's been interesting too.  They are writing it with humour, and somehow that feels ok.

Whilst I was walking, and thinking about the article I mentioned about mothering and grief, I actually experienced feeling nausea and my throat constricted a bit.  So it was really physical - reacting and thinking about those things.  I found that just breathing and 'allowing the feelings' to wash over me, seemed to be a way to help them pass by, and I tried to focus on things around me - the path, the view and things like that. 

I finished the book by Gabor Mate, and found the last section of it not as helpful to me as the beginning and middle bits - but maybe it was because I don't like any form of endings, and maybe parts of me were resisting the idea that it would end.   I had been trying to focus on eating better, and had been enthusiastic about a technique I'd read about in the book, but I am now aware that already, 'the part that rubs things out' has managed to erase my active following through of that, and infact comfort eating has won - I have over-eaten on quite a few things I regret after the event.  But I enjoyed them at the same time.  I just wish I didn't gain the weight.  I don't like it.

Hope  :)

Reading your thoughtful journal entry, I found myself noticing certain things that popped out for me.

First, I was impressed with the tender care you exhibited about handling your interactions with the very young version of you. As you noted, it seemed apropos as she might even be afraid of you, so you did the gentle things you felt she might relate to better than, for instance, speaking lots of words which might be meaningless to her, and therefore reinforce her shyness about you. This is how I'd hope we all can respond to these sorts of situations, where many of us never really felt anyone's kindness so directly.

So yes, it's new, but even very young nearly non-verbal young people know the difference. The kindness and caring, then, would seem important for showing her you care, even or especially if one else does.

Later, you wondered about the notion of humour finding its way into surprising places, such as those of the two 'unknown' sisters meeting each other. Humour, for me, has helped many situations even when on the surface I find myself in a very non-funny circumstance. Thanks for bringing that to the surface.

The other point you made -- about "allowing" emotions such as grief to just emerge instead of trying to always suppress them, then finding a surprising touch of relief when it is allowed -- yes, exactly how it's happened to me on occasions when I surrender to them. Even if I think I don't want to.

I could go on some more, but perhaps I'll 'end' before I steal any more space from your journal. I just wanted to respond to some very salient points you touched on, all of them fitting into what is commonly called recovery, but where I find the term 'discovery' to be more on point. I have lots of things I'd prefer not to recover, but staying on a course of 'discovery' I find more suitable. Plus, discovery is a term that never needs the regret of a precise outcome. Even 'finished' books can be returned to, and in the re-search of them new findings made.

:hug:

Hope, it's very inspiring to me how you interact with that younger part so warm and cautious at the same time. In your writing it feels like you are coming closer to allowing some of that knowledge to approach you, about what younger you went through, but with some very wise caution and an appropriately slow pace.

I appreciate what you say about your D's death not quite sinking in. I relate to that a lot. I may try to watch that movie. It speaks to me a lot just the little bit you shared.

Your comfort and nurturing the the younger part is beautiful.

I struggle with comfort eating and weight gain too.

Hope, the way you comfort and help that youngest one of you is so lovely and inspiring. Thank you for sharing that with us. Gentle hugs if you want them.

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you for sharing your thoughts, I found it really helpful to read what you wrote, and how you talked about the younger potentially non-verbal part - being shy and potentially scared of me - I think that's why it's taking (what I think is a long time) to make contact - but I'm just going to keep going, and try to stay consistent and present for any of my parts, but especially the very young ones.  I very much appreciate anytime you write things - because I always value what you write and hope you'll continue to do so whenever you feel like it.   :hug:

Hi Armee - Thank you for what you wrote - I do think that I am coming closer to allowing some of the knowledge held by the younger parts to be shared with me - they do show me snippets from time to time, and I feel it is increasing - but like you say, pacing it at an appropriately slow pace, that is important.

Regarding grief, Armee, it wasn't a movie that I watched, it's a series, possibly only on UK TV, but I'm not sure.  It's quite light-hearted, but has issues that I relate to - i.e. families that have lied to one another and kept secrets, and sisters who've met as adults without knowing one another as children, plus the death of a family member too - so those are the aspects I'm relating to - just appreciating seeing events being portrayed and thinking about my own feelings, but at a safe distance protected by the humour balm.    Sending you a hug Armee  :hug:

Hi Not Alone - Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone with the comfort eating and weight gain - I'm sorry that you also struggle with those things.    Thanks also for what you said about my interactions with my younger part.    Sending you a hug too, if that's ok  :hug:

Hi CactusFlower - thanks so much, and I definitely like those gentle hugs too - thank you  :hug: :hug:

************
14th May 2022

I've had a few things to deal with socially this week, and am just glad that they're over now.  What I've realised is that I can cope better if I arrive at a place earlier than the meeting time, and then I can walk around that place, maybe pretend to look at flowers and things in a garden, and think about any thoughts that pop into my head, and try to respond to them with calming replies.  What I found would take me about twenty minutes to feel as if I was present, is now better for the extra preparation time - although I'm aware that having the luxury of that extra time is something that also needs to be worked into the schedule!  But I am finding it to be something that is better.

Feeling 'clunky' as I write this - aware of so many words that feel like they're tripping over each other and not being smooth.  Never mind, keep going.

My partner told me that I physically pushed him away in my sleep one night this week - he said it wasn't too bad, but he had been surprised.  I didn't have any memory of doing that.  He told me that I am responsive now to him when he speaks my name, to calm me, if he thinks I'm having any kind of difficulty in the night - verging on night terrors or bad dreams, and he said it does calm me.  This is much better, and I haven't experienced any night terrors in recent couple of weeks - so this is good.

I have a person who wants me to give my reasons for why I've said 'no' to something, and I really don't want to explain my reasons - I ended up saying 'I have lots of reasons' and she wasn't able to ask me further, due to the situation at the time, but I think she will ask me again next time she gets the opportunity and I already foresee that it will cause a horrible scene if I try to explain things.  I don't want to give my reasons, as I think she will label me in some way, and she won't understand.  I want to say something like - I don't find it very easy to say 'no' - and on occasions when I do, then I don't like to have to give explanations etc, as the very fact of saying no is difficult.  But I do wish to say 'no' to that, and hope you'll accept that decision.  But I still feel she'll insist on wanting to know why.

I've just remembered that I felt as if there was another part of me that I noticed when I woke up this morning, it felt as if my body had been 'well used' by a part of me that had really exhausted me - my limbs felt stiff and as if I'd been doing stuff that was physically really tiring.  I also noticed that I felt as if I was facing some kind of existential crisis, whereby I felt like life just wasn't worth living, and 'what was the point' - and yet I don't feel like that - but I recognise that there IS a part of me that feels just like that.  That feeling/thought stayed with me for a while in the morning, but I was glad to that I was able to unblend from it and that I have been able to get on with things in the day, and feel as if life has purpose and meaning.  So that's good.  But I recognise that part, and wondered whether it's 'grief' that made me feel that way, or something else.

Glad to have written these things, and right at this moment, I feel like my words are flowing faster and more smoothly, that clunking feeling has gone.  I like that.

Hope  :)

i like it for you too, hope, altho i really didn't find anything clunky about the first part of your post.  i like the idea of getting to someplace early, scope it out, get the feel of it and allow yourself to feel more comfortable within the environment.

as far as not giving reasons for a 'no', you have every right to do that.  a couple things i've found helpful is 'i'm not comfortable talking about it' and if they insist further, 'it's personal, and i'm not comfortable talking about it right now.'  if they persist after this, like asking 'when?' a vague 'i'm not sure, but if i ever do i'll let you know'.  usually they give up after that.  this kind of pressure seems unfair to me to put on you. you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable saying, and you don't have to give reasons for your discomfort either.  it's not their business.  sending love and a hug filled with non-explanatory 'no's'.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Your reply was very helpful to me, thank you.  I have those statements in mind for when the likely questioning will happen - I still think it will happen - but being reminded that I have choices about what I can say or not say, and that I have rights to privacy, those things help.  Thank you  :hug:

********
18th May 2022
I'm aware that during the day, I've been thinking of things that I'd like to write here - but somehow when I get here to write them, then my mind is blank, and I can't recall the content of what I wanted to say.  So that's interesting.  Maybe I should jot things down, and then summarise them here.  I wonder if it's resistance.

I was just reading something that Bach had written in someone else's journal, which was about being Self, and driving the bus, and having all the parts on the bus as a happy family - and that being a vision of recovery - and I don't know how to bring that quote over here in the exact words Bach used, but I really really loved what Bach wrote - and it's my vision of recovery too.  I wouldn't want my parts to integrate and blend/disappear - I'd like them each to be able to enjoy living on the same bus (in the same body/space) and all feel comfortable to live and breathe and enjoy future life.  I hope that's possible.  I think it is.

I've been thinking about Blueberry, and wondering how she's doing.  I miss you Blueberry!  I also wonder how ThreeRoses is. 

For some reason, as I sit here and think - I get the vision of a wide open rooftop, and it's as if I'm sitting there, and feeling as if I can't find a way down, or a way to know what steps to take next.  Maybe that's why I've not been reading much self-help literature lately - how I've not been looking at any of the various courses I'd paid for and not finished watching.  I've had quite a few things to deal with lately, and little time to focus on reading, so maybe that's also part of it. 

Anyway, I think it's interesting that the vision is in an open space, under the sky, rather than being in a room in the dark.  I can see things beyond that roofspace, and maybe that's a positive thing.

I have no idea now, why I'm writing this, but I'll leave it there, as I don't want to censor what's come out. 

Hope  :)

well done on not censoring yourself, hope.  you're showing more progress with each post. 

i'm missing members of this forum as well this past week.  i hope they're doing well.

sometimes when i write, i just let the words flow, not always understanding why.  however, on several occasions, they've sparked something previously hidden in my mind, bringing it up to consciousness.  i think there's always some kind of reason, even if we don't always know it right away.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hope, you have the right to say "no" without giving reasons. I hope the possible responses that San gave you are helpful. 

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say that I like your vision of being on a sunny rooftop and being able to see far and wide. It does sound a little isolating and maybe that's something that helps you feel safe which isn't necessarily bad. It's also interesting that in Dzogchen there is a practice called skygazing which helps you connect to something larger than you. You become limitless (the nature of mind) when you are the sky and maybe the way down is just an illusion?

I also remember reading in Jay Earley's book about procrastination and when you find yourself not being able to do the exercises in the book, to do an IFS on why you couldn't complete them and what comes up when you try to. If you feel stuck maybe an IFS on why you're feeling stuck might be helpful.

Sending you support for the things you're having to deal with right now  :hug:
dolly

Hi SanMagic, thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Not Alone - thanks for reminding me of those things, because it helps me to think I had rights to say 'no' and that I shouldn't need to explain my reasons.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee - That is very helpful - I will consider trying the IFS route to looking for reasons why I couldn't do it - infact there's a couple of things I could do with investigating in that way - I must try to remind myself to really 'do' this - rather than just think about it (again, that might be a stuck aspect too).  Interesting also to hear about the Sky gazing - I like that concept.   Thanks Dollyvee  :hug:

*********
23rd May 2022
I've been doing quite a lot of investigating online, looking at old photos of the 1970's and of school photos from schools I actually attended in those years and trying to find old pupils from those times - I noticed there were reunions at some of the schools but not in the years that I attended, so I didn't recognise any names at all.  But just seeing photos of the uniforms, the children, how old they were and how old they looked at those times made me realise that my memories of those years of my life are different - i.e. I wasn't aware of how young I actually was.  What the concept of being a particular age is. 

I also looked at other photos from the 1970's, things like toys, and foods and decor and wallpaper, and it was very stimulating for my mind.  I am sure it's evoked quite a lot of things.  It's like I'm processing things as a result of having done that.  Like it's a hook to hang a memory on, kind of thing.

I read an article today by Dr Arielle Schwartz about Interoception - I put a link to it in the 'articles' part of the forum.  I found it interesting, because I struggle very much with knowing how I'm feeling, and I struggle with sensing things like temperature and things like that.  But I have been trying to be more mindful and recognise different feelings and physical sensations.

I've just remembered that last night, I was in touch with some very dark feelings and thoughts, very much as if I was really in the depths of being bleakly down - but I am thankful that in the light of day, I was feeling more optimistic, and those heavy dark feelings weren't with me anymore.  But I felt in touch with a very dark and existential crisis kind of part of myself in the night. 

Wanted to write more, but can't think of anything more to say right now, so I'll stop.

Hope  :)

I like what you wrote about the rooftop, Hope. That is a good way for me to think about where I am right now. I feel like I've just sat down and stopped everything and now I'm just taking in the view and waiting for clarity. I like imagining I'm on that rooftop while I do that.

hi hope,

being in the midst of a dark place w/in yourself can be frightening.  i'm glad you were able to be rid of it at the light of day.

i think looking into your past like that was quite courageous, especially for the memories it might bring up.   love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hi Hope,

That's brave of you to go to those places especially when the nights can be difficult for you. Sometimes when I'm there I forget that Self is there too. I've been trying to remember Self sometimes when I'm feeling off or have anxiety about something but it's not easy.

Sending you support  :grouphug:
dolly

Hi Armee SanMagic and Dollyvee

Thanks so much for what you said  :hug: :hug: :hug: - I appreciate all your support.  It means a lot. 

**********
4th June 2022
It is a while since I was able to come here to write anything - I have been coming here to read things that people have been writing, and I felt connected to the forum in that way.  But somehow I was unable to write anything - so I waited till I was able to, and I've written some things today.   That feels ok.  I'm glad to be writing, as it does feel freeing to write.

I watched a film yesterday which was very triggering, it was 'Cider House Rules' and I've never seen that film, nor realised the subject content of the book or film - but it was a powerful film, and triggered me in many ways.  There were many themes in there - I think I managed to stay with the film, and it actually helped me to process some things in different ways.  I think it's progress that I was able to stay with the themes, and not dissociate - I am sure I did dissociate though, but I felt like I was 'there' more than being somewhere else.  It was a really well acted film - Michael Caine was in it, and it was back in the 1990's I think that it was made.  So seeing some actors when they were younger, that was interesting too.  Charlise Theron was there as a young woman.

As I sit here, wondering what I am going to write, I am aware that I've felt annoyed at myself (that's weird, because I didn't have a thought then, and ended up typing 'annoyed at myself' without really knowing why I wrote it).  Perhaps I should try out what I used to do here - writing more uncensored, seeing what comes up.

I'll try it:
Ridiculous. 

Why don't you write about what you really feel? 
Because it's painful, because it's upsetting

(I feel a constriction in my throat)

I feel the tears that want to come.  They feel heavy, but they don't fall.

(My stomach hurts now)

Now I feel just far away.  Like I'm not really here.

********
Oh well, now I just feel a bit dizzy.

I'm ok though.  It was interesting to try that, but not really much came up.  Except I am clearly holding some emotions beneath the physical feelings - I realise that.  Maybe I might try writing some poetry or a 'letter to' again - to see if that will help loosen me up to express things. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing what came up for you. I heard what you were saying and it is difficult to talk about this stuff. Maybe there is a part that is protecting you from those feelings coming up by dissociating? When I realized it was happening to me once, I asked that part to come forward and we had a chat. It was good to meet her.

Thanks for your recommendation about the Cider House Rules. I watched it a long time ago but may have to watch it again. I've been watching a few things that I really like right now. Hacks is funny but I like how flawed the main characters are they're allowed to be that way. They can fail and nothing "bad" happens to them like I've always feared. Gaslit with Julia Roberts and Sean Penn is also really good. I can relate to that and how frustrated Toni Colette is in The Staircase, doing everything for everybody.

Sending you support  :hug:
dolly

I just want to give you a safe virtual hug, Hope. When it's time you'll slowly be able to start writing more.  :grouphug:

Hi Hope, I appreciate you sharing as it resonates with things I've been experiencing of late in my journey.  I hope that you find ways to express or explore or notice what is supportive. 

Hope ... maybe you're putting conditions on yourself, about expressing what can't be put into words? I know that feeling, as so often I've done the same sort of trying, but find I just can't.

Sure, some would want to label this as dissociation. Words again, yet perhaps dissociation is the signal that language will never come close to fulfilling the dire difficulty of letting those sorts of things that once dominated our every movement, thought, and we vowed never to have to go there again -- to the feelings (or non-feelings; numbness) that made us feel so creepy.

Dissociating isn't always a. problem. Perhaps the only option to not judge dissociation as a failure  is to acknowledge one's tears (inner and outer), even if they're unable to fully carry any of the hurt away. Tears might just teeter on the edge of coming, but even that closeness is a sign, one's way to express a secret grief that no amount of well-crafted words could ever express..

We've learned to be careful with speech, as no words have ever been able to feel whole; and we're always scared to share, as that used to lead to so much harsh judgement about us. So it's perhaps the tears (or even the near-tears) that provide the most honest form of expressing the ineffable. I've been there, too; felt on the verge of a flood that never quite emerged. Those tearing-up moments seem to take the place of outright speech. Far from dissociating, they're a message from the heart of our being. Sometimes it's all we have, yet it can be our most honest emotion.

Thank you for sharing whatever feels right.

 

Hi Dollyvee - Thanks for what you wrote, and for sharing what you did when a part was protecting you via dissociation - it was good to hear that you were able to chat with that part, when you asked her about herself.  I tend to find that I am 'talking to' my parts, rather than hearing anything directly back from them - although I do hear their voices/thoughts/feelings.  But in terms of two-way interaction, it's not really something I've experienced yet.  (Although even as I say that, I can think of some instances where I did feel a two-way thing - so maybe I'm not correct in saying what I just said).  Anyway, I found it helpful in terms of what you said.  Thank you.   :hug:

Hi Armee - Thanks so much  :hug:  I think the key thing that resonated to me, when I read what you wrote, is that aspect of "when it's time" - that's a theme I'm considering a lot at the moment - I might be able to write more about it - I hope so.   Thanks for the hug. 

Hi Rainydiary - I think that I am beginning to find ways to express and explore and notice what is supportive, and your writing those words was helpful - thank you.   :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome - I think you really pointed out something that rang very true for me - when you said "Maybe you're putting conditions on yourself, about expressing what can't be put into words" - this really resonates a lot.  I think it's true.  It lead me to think about times in the past - when I couldn't express any words about a particular subject without crying.  There weren't words to express it, just tears at the time.  I never knew quite why I was crying so much about it either, it didn't make sense - but it was raw emotion, and the words weren't with the emotion.

Woodsgnome, I also like what you said about dissociation.  "A secret grief that no amount of well-crafted words could ever express" - that is poignant, and expresses so much.  You have a way with words that is special and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts in such wise ways.

Tears are an honest emotion.  I like that too.  I shall welcome those feelings/thoughts/imagines - whatever comes into my realm of knowing, and will hope to treat it carefully and with empathy.

***********
13th June 2022
I read something that Rainydiary had written about difficulty in feeling like an adult, and I had tried to write something about it - I am going to copy and paste what I wrote here - because I want to see what it looks like in my diary, before possibly sharing it in the other part of the forum:

Being An Adult

"I relate very much to this issue, in terms of sometimes feeling as if I am a child, and not an adult.  This can happen in the forum, as well as in day to day interactions and relationships.  I can feel small and powerless, and I can feel as if others are discussing things rationally with their adult heads on, and I don't feel the same. 
When I think back to my childhood, I was literally the smallest being in the household – I used to sit on a tiny foot stool a lot of the time and everyone made decisions around me, as if I didn't really have any say in the matter.  Although they did claim to include me in decisions, but I didn't really think it through that they would be able to make the deciding action happen, as they could always outvote me, or talk me out of something.
I think that being dissociated might mean I've not been able to keep up with things that other adults might be interested in – for example I rarely paid attention to world events in my teens and twenties and even thirties.  I do pay more attention to those things now, and I am impacted by what is going on – realising how horrific some situations are currently, and wishing for world peace and harmony.  I do care about these things more now, whereas before maybe I was just distracted and unable to focus. 
I do many of the things that are adult things, but I suspect that never being a parent hasn't helped me to feel what it's like to be responsible for another person.  If I'd had children, I think I'd have faced many situations and would know how those things felt. 
Yet even as I consider these things, I wonder whether others feel 'adult-like' in their daily lives – maybe we all just feel quite young and vulnerable inside, and secretly hope that someone will come along and sort things out for us. 
I am mindful of the fact that I have been quite self-reliant whilst I was a child, and that inside my head at that age, I probably felt quite grown-up – as if I was a mini-adult then.  So essentially it's not really a difference for me now – I'm just someone with an older body, bigger now than I was then, and I'm still feeling pretty much the same.
So now I feel a bit confused about it.  But I was glad to think about this for a while today – and glad to have written something."

I think I'll leave that there, rather than write it in the other part of the forum - I feel a bit embarrassed now - not sure why.  But I do.

What other things do I want to write today?
I wanted to mention that I've had a couple of night terrors/incidents last week - but I wasn't aware of them until my partner told me about them - he said I'd said very clearly that I thought I was going to be killed by something, and that I'd responded by saying 'I don't want to die, please don't kill me' - it's interesting that when he tells me about those things, I 'try to remember' and at the same time, I feel distressed inside, but curious at the same time.  He said he thinks it's good that I clearly want to live, and that's a good sign of how I feel about live - I agree with that.

I used the 'dot-to'dot' activity a couple of times to calm myself - successfully - it is a way for me to process things at the same time as having a distracting thing - it really does enable me to process more things in my mind.  Maybe it's a bit like the two and fro of eye movement.  That kind of thing.

Emotionally - I would say I've been 'feeling' many more emotions and just allowing them to flow through my body.  I've felt some intense anger feelings, and I've felt some dread/terror feelings, but also some very nice feelings - warmth and enjoyment.  So I think that's been ok.

Hope  :)

I wrote my bit about 'being an adult' also in the place where Rainydiary opened the thread - thankfully the embarrassment about it has dissipated already - so must have been a part who felt embarrassed at the time - but not enough to stop me from writing it or writing it where I wanted originally to put it.   :)

hi hope,    wishing you a great day. 

Hope, I appreciate you sharing as I felt really awkward for opening up that thread.  I've been avoiding the forum because I didn't want to see that thread.  I appreciate you sharing experience as it helps me. 

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing - it seemed like there was a real clarity and ease coming through for you and that's great to see  :hug:

I think I understand what you mean about speaking to parts and that sometimes it's like it's not real or authentic? I feel that way too sometimes and I wonder if there are other parts that then come in the way. In the Self Therapy book by Earley, he described six protectors that come up -- judgemental, avoiders, intellectualizers, impatient, inadequate, and skeptical parts. Those made a lot of sense to me and I could start to see how I was intellectualizing something or becoming impatient etc. and would ask them to unblend.  But also too, as if there is a mystery force that then gets in the way at times, or I never quite understand what's going on. Maybe that's a part too --that has to understand in order to feel safe.

What Woodsgnome mentioned about preverbal parts also makes sense; that these things come from a place in us that can't communicate or didn't know how to communicate at the time.

Someone also mentioned that their parts also get stuck in a "feedback loop" which I thought was interesting and they use somatic exercise to calm them down. If you're interested, there's a quite active IFS forum on reddit where people talk about their IFS experiences.

https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/comments/vc6h5v/caught_in_a_loop_of_protectors_around/

Sending you support,
dolly

Oh Hope....

I feel badly. I got behind on journals when I was travelling and missed catching up on yours. I remember starting to read and getting interrupted and didn't finish or reply.

I just read what you wrote. I'm really happy that you are feeling emotions flow through. Those have been really powerful eye-opening moments for me when that has happened and opened the door for more healing to happen. I remember actually feeling sad a couple years ago, when my son had a migraine. I felt it through my whole body, instead of just either intellectually, or confused (like...my eyes are watering but having no sad thought or understanding of why I'm sad). It was really helpful to experience that and understand what people mean when they say the "feel" something. I hope the feelings continue to flow through you.

I would also feel curious and terrified by your partner's reports of night terrors. It sounds like you are striking a good balance of acceptance and curiosity and openness along with the fear.

All this along with being able to write more and you're coming a long way, Hope. You've done a lot this year.  :grouphug:

I also really appreciated reading your thoughts on adulthood and how you felt and feel. It gave me a lot to think about. That being dissociated does make it hard to feel like you are functioning as an adult, and the weird paradox that many of us were mature as children but now feel tiny and young. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. It helped me.

i so agree w/ armee - that dichotomy of having had to take on adult roles and responsibility when kids, and now feeling like a kid as adults.  you have come so far!  love and hugs :hug:

29th June 2022
I haven't been able to get here to write over the past few days, although I have come here and read things from time to time.  But just wanted to say thank you to everyone who wrote here in my Journal.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: 

I've been processing things more, and I hope to write more about that, but for now, I'll just say that I'm glad that this place is here, and I'll be hoping to write more in the coming days. 

Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug: to you Hope.

Supportive hugs as you process and try to write

I find words so amazing yet also limiting.  I hope that you find ways of expressing even if it isn't with words.

 :bighug:

hugs, Hope. We're here whenever you are able to join us, for any amount.

Thank you all - I appreciate you very much  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

************
3rd July 2022

I want to start today's journal writing with a note to myself to try to get access to an article that's in the Lancet by Andreas Maercker et. al. entitled 'Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' - as it was recently published and discusses the new diagnosis category of CPTSD.  But I tried to access it and it said I'd need to pay something to read it - and then it would only be readable for 24 hours - so I've not bothered to do that.   

I have had quite a challenging time with the fact that I don't seem to register temperature very well - I stopped drinking milk in my tea and coffee for a while, and ended up burning my mouth quite considerably, but have only just realised this, due to the pain of my gums now!  So I'm drinking milk again in my tea and coffee, so that I don't burn my mouth anymore.  For some reason this shocked me - because I knew I am quite resistant to noticing temperature, but I really hadn't realised the significance of it till this experience.  It's upsetting to part of me. 

I attended some courses a couple of weeks ago, and I am pleased with myself that I managed to cope, because what often puts me off this kind of thing is the fact that people could ask me personal questions, and I'd not know or feel comfortable about how to respond to them.  I usually cope, but it's the fear of the unknown.  Anyway, I do feel happy that I managed to cope, and it feels like a milestone that I achieved that.   :cheer:

I've had more dreams lately that have included aspects of my past work-life - it's almost as if things related to that have only now been able to be present in my dreams, and before it was too painful to even consider things relating to it.  A good friend of mine had helped me to put into perspective some things about the way I think about my work-life - I had been excessively hard on myself in how I'd framed it, and my friend was able to give her perspective, and it really helped me to be less hard on myself.  To see that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that circumstances had happened that I chose to cut loose from.  That was so helpful to hear her perspective and I think it did shift something for me. 

Physically, I've felt pressure and pain in my head, still the left-hand side round the eye socket and in the brain, but it's not as constant as it has been, and the other physical experience I have is when my stomach really churns and makes very loud noises. 

There has been a lot going on in recent months, and I've had to communicate with quite a few people in various different ways, and it's been stressful, but I think I feel stronger for that.  I have coped and it's been ok. 

Glad to have written something today.

Hope  :)

Hope, I'm glad you have written today too.  It seems like you are navigating many things and noticing a lot. 

hope,

https://neurosciencenews.com/

i found this online explaining how the WHO has added the diagnosis of c-ptsd and what it means.  it was free to read.  i'm so glad to see this and hopefully the DSM (the psychology bible) will follow suit.  we've been left in the dark too long with this, have been dismissed and denied by therapists worldwide.  finally we're getting some validation.   :cheer:

thanks for writing - you and what you go through is always interesting and informative.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope. It seems that noticing what's happening in the body is really important to getting control of dissociation and healing so even though I know it is distressing to feel things that you don't know what they are from...at least it can also be a sign of progress along the path to healing.  :hug:

Hope, I just want to drop in and give you a hug.  :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, SanMagic, Armee and Not Alone,

Thank you all so much for what you said.  Sending each of you a hug  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

***********
20th July 2022
Hoping to update a bit - not sure what I'll write, I've wanted to come here and write something a few times in past days, but whenever I've tried, it's not been possible - maybe parts of me weren't happy at the time, but today - I think I can write.

Anyway - I've been processing what I would describe as 'grief' a bit more - in relation to my relationship with my FOO.  One of those members is factually dead and the other is alive but I don't see them due to being estranged.  I have mixed feelings about each of them, and I know that different parts of myself feel very differently about each of them, so it's not an easy thing to try to process grief.  Plus the fact that I don't necessarily feel things - although that does fluctuate.

There has been some anger surfacing, and I have sometimes 'felt' that anger - and find it's being directed towards the FOO member, rather than it being sent off in someone else's direction.  But there have also been times when I've felt 'guilt'. 

Tregger warning - mentioning suicide and depression/anxiety/sexual abuse
Suddenly I remember something that really triggered me this week - I had watched a film with Amanda Seyfreid in it, called "A Mouthful of Air" - this film was made in 2021, and I saw it last week.  I didn't realise what it was about properly, as it had given a trigger saying that if someone had a history of anxiety and/or depression that it could be triggering.  But when I watched that film, I thought - NO, that woman is someone who has been sexually abused by her father, and she is has complex trauma as a result of that, and therefore I related strongly to her narrative, and what shocked me was how powerfully it impacted on her life, and the outcome that she faced in the film - it was very sad, it was upsetting to different parts of me, and I know that I dissociated during moments within the film, but that somehow the shock of the content hit me afterwards, and for a few days after. 

But, I am glad I watched it, because it made me think that I am lucky to have the life I currently have - even though I feel like my FOO wasn't what I wanted - how I couldn't see the dysfunction within it for many years, I was at the same time aware of things - even though they weren't allowed to be felt or acknowleged. 

I feel like there's so much inside that could come out, be expressed, and that maybe there will be the opportunity to begin to do that - hopefully in a safe place/safe way. 

I had so many great intentions when I first came into this forum - I remember previously talking about having systems of folders to put carefully selected pieces of information, and how to maybe think about and look at those things - make sense of them - but when it came to it, I rarely 'did' that.  I jotted down lots of notes though, and kept those notes - but now and again, I tear those things up, and throw them away.  But maybe that's ok.

(Now I feel like my mind has gone blank - it's like all parts of myself have left the room!)  I know this is because I've been thinking in my mind about things that different forum members have said - and then thinking that I want to make notes about those things, and yet, I feel like I can't recall all the things, and therefore where do I start?

I watched one of Carolyn Spring's courses about 'Working with Trauma Memory' and made a few notes on that.  But what happened the day after was that I was aware of a part of myself that was 'angry' and demonstrated that feeling throughout a lot of things I was trying to do in the daytime. 

Carolyn spoke of needing to 'calm and soothe' and a statement she said was 'You can't get through to a sobbing child until they have calmed down."  She spoke of 'deep empathy' and 'understanding' and 'welcoming emotions as they are.'  This is something I appreciated hearing - because I've been using Janina Fisher's exercises and appreciating any communications from different parts, whether through body reactions, thoughts, feelings, etc, and therefore I felt like Carolyn Springer's suggestions were in accordance with those things.  It felt like being on a path that feels right.  So I'll continue to tread that path, albeit cautiously, and see where it goes - but at the same time keeping to a pace that feels safer for my different parts.

I've noticed with the parts that if an upset part or an angry part expresses itself, that I also have a part that laughs too - which is incongruent, but has happened a couple of times - it's like they're both present to such a degree that one's behaviour influences the other, and both express themselves.  I'm hoping someone else relates to this, as I do feel a bit silly writing about it, but I'm also hopeful that other people maybe also experience this.  Thankfully that's only really been heard out loud by my partner, and that in itself is positive, because I think it shows that those parts feel able to be present infront of him, rather than hiding away.  But I have tried to explain to him that on those occasions, I'm not sure what's triggered those reactions, but that they are there.

I have begun to write a time-line of my life and have put that in a computer file, and that way when I have extra memories, thoughts or anything that seems pertinent, I put the date when I thought that, and write what I want to write, as part of the time-line.  I've found that using the internet to look up past schools, any names I recall from past times, places, looking at things online that seem relevant, it's helping to piece together more recollections.  Also thinking about major events - e.g. death of Elvis Presley, time a film was shown and the date that happened, etc etc, those things are helpful in knowing how old I was at particular moments, and making sense of what might have been happening etc.

I'm glad to have written today - and it feels good to have done so.  That's a nice feeling.  I feel it.   :)

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I appreciate you sharing your reflections.

Hugs, Hope, good to see you again.
"'You can't get through to a sobbing child until they have calmed down."   Mmmm, this was very powerful to read. it's so true, and I don't always think of my inner child being like that. Good to try to remember.
I also resonated with your timeline work. I've done similar stuff while writing, and it really does help place things for me and make some things make more sense, especially with moving around so much as a kid.

hope, your healing process is really progressing.  what a lot of revelations you're dealing with.  i know i get triggered often by instances that present themselves in movies or tv shows, too, and it can be very powerful (after i am able to get thru the processing of it) as a way to realize some things about myself and having new feelings come up that weren't available to me before.  you're showing lots of courage here.

so glad you were able to write about what's going on w/ your parts.  i don't find it silly that some parts are grieving while others can laugh.  i think w/in the scheme of my own trauma experiences, while they've been devastating at times, that i'm also able to laugh.  i think it's helped me stay sane.   jimmy buffet wrote about it in his song 'changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes'.  he said something to the effect that if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.  my opinion is that laughter is a survival mechanism for the mind.  just a thought.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope
Thank you for sharing this .... just amazing really.. I also love the "You can't get through to a sobbing child..." quote. That will be something I'll surely remember :)
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like as you navigate all of this.
Hope your day is wonderful  :hug:

Hi Hope. There's lots of material, as usual, that you've covered with great thought and deep reflections. I greatly admire this quality you frequently share.

Something you mentioned, and which Sanmagic followed up on, was the humour/serious balancing act that can sometimes be the only way through much of what was going on. I know it was life-saving for me that I was able to access this inner humour at various times. Rarely did these occur during traumatic experiences, mostly afterwards. That humour reservoir in spite of the dire situations they sprang from saved me from becoming a total mess (but not always).

The first instances, though, this sort of reaction almost scared me, as the abuses had been stark and dangerous while they were occuring. Somehow the utter awfulness was so dire, up popped an entirely 'opposite' reaction; or at least not what one might expect.

This worked, not to eliminate my pain, but in allowing me to realize I had the capacity to move a little beyond what otherwise was utterly devastating.

So much of what happened didn't make any sense to begin with. That alone leads to tears of regret and pain. If it didn't make sense, though, that equates to nonsense -- and what's one's deepest reaction to nonsense? Laughter, for starters. Stretching the humour a bit, I created caricatures (in my mind) of some of my worst abusers. Putting them in a different light also helped lessen the burden. Yes, it all helped me cope -- in that sense the laughter allowed me to create some room to breathe, as it were.

It may seem strange, as there's nothing truly humourous about abuse and trauma. But if we're able to access it, it can be the thing that actually makes the most 'sense', in the end.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2022, 06:35:01 PM
hope, your healing process is really progressing.  what a lot of revelations you're dealing with. 

:yeahthat:

I know and remember how difficult it is for you to write sometimes Hope so it's great you were able to formulate and write so much a couple of days ago.

I have had parts laugh at what seemed inopportune or inappropriate times. I'm not sure that that is what you are experiencing though. But for me it was as if I was standing outside myself, looking in and laughing. FOO did a lot of laughing instead of feeling and I think that might have been a Part acting a bit like FOO. I remember once in group inpatient therapy, a patient said something and everybody spontaneously laughed although it wasn't funny. The T calmly said that sometimes people laugh when really they want to cry. The laughing stopped and everybody was briefly quiet if I remember correctly. Crying would have been more appropriate in that situation.

I don't think it's at all silly to wonder about these actions and emotions, though I do understand feeling silly. I think it's so good that you can express everything like that on here, when your parts allow it. That way everything in you gets a say.

I thank you all for what you said - I've just read what each of you wrote, and must admit to feeling full up of a lot of emotion. 

I feel like the last few days have been quite strong in terms of processing things.   I am so grateful to each of you for what you write here.

Sending you all big hugs - thank you  :hug: :hug: :hug: plus more hugs.

Interesting that I feel so much emotion just now, and then suddenly I feel cavenous hunger!  I will be eating in the next couple of hours, but I feel very hungry right now.

Hope  :)

***Potential trigger warnings, as not sure what I'm going to talk about today in my journal - I am triggered myself today.
26th July 2022
I have been experiencing so many triggers today - and I feel like my system is overloaded with some anxiety and some distress.  I've been able to continue doing the things I want to do but I have felt a bit overwhelmed at times, and close to tears.  I think it's because I watched too many u-tube videos yesterday, which had some triggering content (CSA)  I had felt braver and wanted to gain more information, and I watched things that were by other people who've survived/experienced CSA.  I was pleased to have watched them, because they were helpful to me, but I now realise that it's had an after-effect in terms of making all my parts feel very frightened/upset/scared.

My partner told me that last night I was showing distress in my sleep, and he'd tried to comfort/calm me by saying 'It's OK...(used my name)' and he told me I'd said to him (in my sleep) - 'No, I'm not alright.  It's not alright' - which was interesting that I replied so clearly in that way.  I don't have any recall of that - although I do think that I had some vivid dreams in the night - although I can't remember/recall the content of them.

I had been ok this morning, preparing breakfast - it's a bit like a ritual in that I do the same things, but I noticed that my partner came into the room before I was ready, and that really shook up parts of me that wanted to do the breakfast preparation in my own time.  Maybe that was because I was already triggered.  I don't know. 

I have been heavily triggered by things that my partner has said to me today - and the feeling has been like I'm very small and vulnerable and I don't know how to do adult things in life, so I know it's a small and young part of myself who is very prominent today.  I have been on the verge of tears, although I've not actually cried.

I still feel it now, as I write, but I wanted to come here - because I wanted to communicate about it here - it felt like it would help to share this.  I do feel comforted knowing that people who understand this will read this.  This makes me feel more tearful, but it's in a good way I think.

Interesting that I think I am beginning to feel better - I've been sitting here and breathing gently and calmly, and I really do think I feel somewhat better.  I hope I can hold onto this feeling, as I like the calm feeling and want to preserve it.

It's like I came here and shared this here, and it's helped.  So thank you for listening, if you've read this.  I appreciate this space.  I appreciate you.

Hope  :)

Gentle hugs if you want them, Hope.  you are not alone. You were heard.

I hear you Hope  :hug:

Hi Hope,

I hope you're feeling better. A hug for you if you want it.

dolly.  :hug:

I've had some similar experiences lately -- namely telling myself I'm feeling better about things and then finding that no, I don't feel that way at all.

Perhaps because I feel more bold as I've felt better, that I become less cautious about some things I know might trigger me. One trigger you mentioned was watching the youtube presentations you found interesting, but also disturbing. I did exactly that the other day, cruising around various videos per SA topics thinking I'd be able to handle them better now; then becoming rather unglued afterwards. One pattern I've noticed in the past but ignored now (because I feel better, I tell myself) was watching a couple of these too close to slumber time, then tossing/turning/crashing around afterwards.

It's so tempting, as you indicate, that one still has to be so careful about triggers. Maybe there's one good note for me, in that yes I recognize now what triggered me, but no I'm not going to blame myself for wanting to know more about a topic which, on the other hand, I don't think I can ever resolve. In other words -- acceptance of a shortfall, but not considering that a failure, adding self-blame to the picture. Hard as it can be, maybe self-love is part of the process I'm struggling with.

Hope you can recover more over the next while.  :hug:

Hope, I appreciate you sharing your experience. 

Quote from: Hope67 on July 26, 2022, 01:43:06 PM
I have been heavily triggered by things that my partner has said to me today - and the feeling has been like I'm very small and vulnerable and I don't know how to do adult things in life, so I know it's a small and young part of myself who is very prominent today.  I have been on the verge of tears, although I've not actually cried.

I still feel it now, as I write, but I wanted to come here - because I wanted to communicate about it here - it felt like it would help to share this.  I do feel comforted knowing that people who understand this will read this.  This makes me feel more tearful, but it's in a good way I think.
Hope  :)

I understand.  :grouphug: to all the Parts for whom a hug feels safe and reassuring.

Hi Little Hope. I feel this way a lot. Sometimes adulting is much too much.

Cactusflower, Blueberry, Dollyvee, Woodsgnome, Rainydiary, Not Alone and Armee,
Thank you all so much for what you said, and I appreciate you all  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

**********
10th August 2022
Hoping to write some updates today - to remind myself of what I've been reading lately, and how things have been going.  Now I'm here, and wanting to write, I find I can't remember the names of the things I've been reading!  Also, an inner critic is in my ear telling me a few things that I am not enjoying hearing.  So that's annoying really.  Clearly there's some resistance to sharing the names of the books.  I know this is because I then think that maybe someone I know will read this, and know it's me.  Now I feel like I'm paranoid.

I want to erase that paragraph now - because I feel silly for writing it.  Now I hear my partner moving around, and I think he's going to come in and speak to me - I'll have to go. 

Maybe I'll get chance to write more this afternoon.

Must go.

Hope  :)

10th August 2022
So... I hope I can continue to write, as I want to update and try to keep track of how things have been in recent days.  So great to have a place I can do that, and thankfully I don't feel quite so paranoid this time, as I sit here.  The inner critic seems to have left me for the moment! 

I brought the books I had read in the last few weeks - so I can just write the titles down - I couldn't recall the names when I tried to think of them before.  I read the book 'House of Horrors' by Nigel Cawthorne - that is about the true story of Josef Fritzl, whom they described on the front of that book as 'the father from *' - (part of me is concerned by the fact I am drawn to reading books like this, but the fact is that I relate to the feelings described by the girls who were in these captive situations - I relate to Stockholm kind of syndrome feelings too) - so I really relate to these situations, and what I really found helpful about reading this book was that they gave opinions from various professionals about the situation, and that was very interesting to read about.  So I found the book very helpful. Unfortunately though, because I tend not to be able to retain all that many memories of things I read, I can't bring to mind what exactly was helpful - only that whilst I was reading it, it was helpful.

Then I went on to read something I was drawn to whilst browsing shelves in the library, it is called 'Chakradance' by Nathalie Southgate - and I enjoyed reading it because the author has studied Jungian analysis, and she mentioned Jung and different concepts relating to that throughout her book, as well as explaining the chakras and energies, and using dance to express emotions etc.  I liked some of the visual meditations she suggested, and found that I was able to picture some of these things whilst she described them.  I think it was a book that made me feel positive and some nice feeilngs, so that was good.

The book I'm currently reading now, is 'Breaking Free Workbook' by Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon.  I've picked this book out of the library several times in the past over previous years, and I've attempted to read it, but found I don't take it in - can't actually 'do' the exercises.  But this time, I found that I've been able to read the first chapter and feel as if I have understood it more and can face it more.  I've found a notebook that I intend to use for writing in about my experiences.  But I notice resistance.  But, at least I've begin this time to feel more hopeful that I can stay with it, and maybe 'do' some of the exercises.  What I have noticed is that more memories are surfacing generally. 

This reminds me that I also watched two documentaries called (not sure if I get the name right) but it's 'Return from Neverland'?  It's the accounts by the two young boys (now grown-ups) who alleged CSA by a famous person (M.J).  I found it really powerful to watch those episodes/documentaries - I believed their accounts of what happened.  It was emotional to watch.  It brought up feelings relating to my own feelings.

(Even trying to say that, I realise how 'clunky' that language becomes, and it makes me think that I am choked up/restricted in my ability to express things, because I've not really spoken about, or expressed things properly, and can't make sense of facing my own emotions and feelings.

The Breaking Free Workbook - it has an exercise that says 'How the abuse has affected my life' and already I find that such an enormous thing to contemplate.  Because I think it's hard to know what constitutes abuse, and I think that there are so many strands that I don't understand myself.  Even thinking about it, I wonder will I be able to do it.  Write it.  Think about it.  I notice resistances, urges to eat and overeat, ways to push back feelings/numb myself.  At least I recognise this - that's a good thing I think. 

Good to have felt able to write this today.

Hope  :)

Hope, I hear you about the Breaking Free workbook. I'm using the Courage to Heal Workbook, and those kind of exercises are hard. Answering them without second-guessing or censoring can reveal some stuff that's hard to read. it has given me things to talk about with my T, though. Wishing you energy and peace to get through whatever you need in the workbooks. Gentle hugs if you want them.

Hi CactusFlower,
Thank you  :hug: 
Hope  :)

hope, you've really set some tasks for yourself lately.  so much to ponder, understand, realize. 

i was taken by your thoughts on how abuse can differ, and am realizing that a lot of what i thought was 'normal' in relationships was simply that i was used to being treated as a non-person from early on emotionally and mentally (i didn't have the physical for the most part).  as my T told me, sometimes the non-physical means of abuse leave those hidden wounds, but they are still abuse. 

we just keep learning, don't we!  i admire how you continue to dive into this stuff.  you're an inspiration, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :hug: - yes, it's an ongoing path of learning and attempting to process and so many things, and it's not easy, but we're journeying together, and that's phenomenal.  I appreciate your support on this journey, and I appreciate the love and hugs, and I also send some to you too  :hug: :hug:

******
12th August 2022
Pleased to have got to the weekend, and think that it has been ok.  I have had some nice things happening in the day today - I feel more positive within myself today.  Feeling like I want to write about whatever comes up:

I enjoyed a really great breakfast - out in a cafe with my partner.  Avocado, bacon, egg, toast - delicious!

I'm not ruminating so much about FOO at the moment.  At one time it was almost constant, but it's not as often now.

Working on the 'Breaking Free' workbook - I am taking it in small chunks.  I have started journalling too.  It was soooo emotional to start it, and I felt a lot of resistance, but I have started it, and written things.  What I've noticed is that it has evoked more memories, more things to think about and what is amazing is that I've been able to stay with the thoughts and begin to process some of the feelings.  I think that learning how to stay in the present (via Janina Fisher's help) means I can stay with things more in an adult sense. 

Now I feel like I'm not making sense with what I write.  I don't think I do.

I remember that something triggered me today - on the radio they talked about the talcum powder company stopping their sale of talcum powder because of alleged links to cancer, and it made me think back to my M wanting me to have talcum powder in my personal areas, and that was in her view a good thing - and how some forum members put the thought that maybe she knew something bad had gone on with my F, and she wanted me to be clean (this is my recollection of what was written in the other part of the forum - it might not necessarily have been what was actually written.  I told my partner about this today - and he reacted with a 'Yuk' kind of noise and his face said the same thing - and it was interesting for me to see his emotion and his feeling expressed in that way.  It was like it really made him feel sick. 

I didn't expect to just write that.   I wish I'd put a trigger warning there - but maybe it's nothing bad that I've just said.

I was thinking that I'm in my 'adult part' more currently, but as I've been writing that, I feel very much that I have child parts present, and they make me feel so many things. 

I have had a lot of dreams this past week, but I can't remember what the content was.  I might start keeping a dream journal again, to look at the themes.  I think that would be good to do.

Need to go now.

Hope  :)

What you write makes sense, Hope. And I'm sorry what happened to you. But you do make sense. I'm glad you could write here what you felt like was coming up.

What you wrote made sense. I smiled at the thought of you and your partner enjoying a yummy breakfast at a cafe.

The thought of what your F did and your mother being complicit makes me sick. Yuck and anger at them; tenderness and compassion toward you.

Hugs, Hope.
Your breakfast sounds lovely and I hope the journaling helps. As for the talcum powder, I think those of us over a certain age... a lot of us had our M tell us to put powder in those places. it was just what was done. At least today, they've discovered the harm it can do. and good on teh company for quitting, surprising as that was.

hope, i'm just so sorry you went thru that w/ both your M and F - we've had so much enabling going on in our lives, and it really is sickening, in many senses of the word. 

by the by, you made perfect sense to me.  breakfast sounded yummy - i love cafes.  i also love to see all the progress you've been making, and have really been interested in all you've been sharing lately.  it's so good to see you.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Hi Armee, Not Alone, CactusFlower and SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

********
14th August 2022
I wanted to reflect on today - I had been reading the 'Breaking Free' book this morning, and as is typical for me, I ended up reading through the entire book quite quickly - over the past few days actually, but the pace started off slowly - considering the exercises and making a start in my book I've chosen to write in - but then I ended up mainly reading and considering my responses 'in my head' rather than on paper.  I know I need to really slow this down, because what happened was I ended up really blowing up (i.e. at one point really shrieked at my partner and said some quite angry words to him - and he didn't need that - but it was just that I felt such strong emotions, as a result of considering the things written in the 'Breaking Free' book.  It was over-whelming.  But, having said that, I do feel like I've coped ok, and not been too bad.  I think it's definitely what I need to be doing at the moment - really facing the issues in that book.  I really think it will help me.  I feel ready.

I also watched a video by Dr Arielle Schwartz earlier today, and made some notes about it, which I shared in the forum (in the conference and articles area) and I did her experiential exercise stimulating the vagus nerve.  I found that I ended up what I think was dissociating just shortly after I wrote the words 'ear shaped like the foetus; gentle listening hands' - and I think that was relevant - because I had been considering quite a few things in the morning relating to my parents and how I was treated as a baby and young child - so maybe that was too much to hear those words, and be stimulating my vagus nerve.  I am so grateful for Bach writing that she experienced sometimes greater triggering and more anxiety as a result of sometimes stimulating that nerve, as this made sense to me. 

What happened after I stopped writing the notes was that I then went to the kitchen to meet my partner and think about making some food for our lunch - but I felt as if someone had physically punched me in the stomach area - it was really like it hurt a lot, and I told him that was how it felt - as he asked me what video I'd been listening to, as he'd heard me playing something and wanted to know what I was watching.  I told him what it was and how I felt.  Interesting that he replied that he also felt as if he was 'full up' and 'uncomfortable' in the stomach area.  I told him I felt like mine was as if someone had thumped me in the stomach, but then I said it felt like I had intense wind that needs to come out - that kind of really uncomfortable and painful feeling. 

I thought about Dr Schwartz saying that people should soften their stomach - and I thought - "I can't have managed to do that, it's as if I was stiffening up or tensing, without realising it" - anyway, I am going to keep trying to do some vagus nerve stimulation - I had already started doing it in my face area - plus doing a bit of tapping on the face as well.  I had been doing that in the mornings, and found it quite energising.

I feel a bit 'hyper' right now - although I also feel soooo hot and as if I'm wilting in the heat. 

I know it's because of the 'Breaking Free' book really - so many issues going through my mind having read things in that book - it's as if I'm reading them for the first time, even though I've read that book before - but previously I've not really felt present or able to process and think about things.  Now, I feel like I'm more grounded, and considering things more as an adult, rather than as a child that I often feel like.

I had quite a few body pains in past days - including the left-hand side of my head hurting a lot - in my sleep, it was like it was going to split.  It hurt a lot.  I thought I was going to have some kind of event.  I probably needed water.  I must drink more water.

CactusFlower - I'm grateful to you for mentioning the talc, and your reply was very normalising in terms of the fact that those of us over a certain age would have M's who put powder in those places.  I think I really want to think of it in that way - i.e. a normal motherly thing, but somehow my relationship with my M, and how I think about her currently is that she's become a bit of a monster in my mind - I am truely scared of her.  That is probably a young part of myself, because even as I write that, I think that I know that at another level I feel like she is not scary.  But yet I think she is.  There's a definite blend of quite different feelings there.

I am thinking about things now, and decided I've overdone things today.  Feel too drained and probably overdone it.  I will try to pace myself. 

Regarding Dr Schwartz's course - it's nice that she did a free video, but I know she was promoting her course, and she thinks it's good value - and I think that I wonder whether her book might be an option for me - maybe the exercises will be described in her book, rather than paying a lot of money for a course.  At the moment, I don't have a lot of available money, so I am going to try to look for free resources.  I think there will be some online, and I might order the book from the library!  Great idea.  I think I will try to do that.

I apologise, as I can see I have a much more hyper side of myself here at present.  I am in control of myself, but I feel like I'm overly stimulated! 

This is making me want to laugh.  I think humour is good - I agree with Woodsgnome on that, who mentions about humour and how it can help, and I really think it can. 

Wow, I feel really upset on the other side of this coin - I can feel both emotions clearly - the laughing side, and the upset distressed side.  I really hope that I can ground myself and appear normal - because I do feel like I am too hyper.

I feel like I should erase all of this, but I am not going to - I haven't said anything bad, and it's my journal - so that's ok.

Hope  :)

Hope,

It's good to see you joined for a bit, if even to say you didn't know what to say. 

We're here for you every day.

Take care of yourself. Post again when you feel up to it.

Hope,

I can surely empathize with that double-edged contrasting feeling you mentioned, of humour and discomfort happening almost simultaneously. That visual image is a common theatrical symbol, to have one side showing a laughing jester, while directly opposite or flip side one sees a distressed, sad face. They can overlap and create emotional cross-currents.

Just thought I'd mention that -- being a former theatre person, I've seen that symbol frequently, and think it show how there can be overlap in all of these deep emotions.

If it's alright, I'd like to wish you well with the following symbol, and the thought behind it -----  :hug:

Hope, I appreciate you reflecting on your experiences and that you seek out more information.  In my experience, while I love learning and reading, it often throws me out of balance as I work to integrate or leave the new things I've learned.  I hope that you find the balance that is right for you.

Hope, so glad you joined us. Sounds like you've been working on a lot and paying attention to how your body responds. Fascinating that your partner had a similar reaction! I'll check out this book later after I get through a stack I currently have. Budget is definitely an issue for me, and I am super grateful for a library system.   :grouphug:

dear hope, i do believe in the medicinal power of laughter - it may be a survival mechanism showing itself as you go thru the distressing feelings.  i know it's helped me stay sane even while i've been juggling terrible triggers and memories.  i agree w/ you - this is your journal and you can write whatever you like, however long it may run.  love and hugs :hug:

I'm so happy you can come here and write more of what you are feeling and going through, Hope.

Hi Hope,

You've been processing so much. Going back to a workbook that you once found overwhelming and being able to work through some of the exercises and deal with the things that come up is a big step. I don't think you're reading through it too fast, just at your own pace whether you realize it or not.

The talcum powder story you shared also made me go yuck, but feel for the child Hope that had to go through those things. Yuck in the way that I'm sorry she had to experience that. With reagrds to your mother, I would say to trust your gut. You were a child and felt those things for a reason even if she never explicitly acted in a certain way. I found that a lot of the difficult things I;ve processed, and had a lot of guilt over, were because I couldn't put my finger on something. You know, she said she loved me but then why did I feel like this? It took a lot of unpacking to see that just because someone tells you they love you doesn;t make up for the other ways in which they stifled your anger/voice/right to exist and how I was never allowed to examine those feelings of mistrust that I had or give voice to them; my family wouldn't listen or turn it around and make it about them. That was a bit long and maybe about me, but I hope it also resonated with you.

The vagus nerve is also responsible for your fight or flight, which also governs digestion. I'm wondering if stimulating your vagus nerve put you into fight (with the husband) and flight (that kind of hyper feeling) mode. Maybe it was just waking up residual feelings that hadn't been expressed or "coming back online."

Sending you support  :hug:
dolly

22nd August 2022
Thank you so much to everyone who has written responses to me in my Journal.  I hope to come back more individually to you, but right at this moment, I know I'm experiencing some strong emotions, so just came here to write about them.

I have been doing some of the Vagus nerve stimulation exercises, and am so thankful to Bach for listing these out - I've not tried them all, but I have done some of them.

However, I have just been watching some u-tube videos about Child sexual abuse, and they were about helping families to know what to say to their children and to families about when a child talks about abuse.  But just seeing the situations portrayed, it's really caused me to feel a lot of body feelings - nausea and headache and overwhelm. 

I then read an article - started to read an article about incest, and I know that article is helpful, as it has some useful information in it, but I am feeling sick.  I want to cry too, but actually I'm not actually crying.  I had been watching a programme earlier about the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, and that caused me to cry earlier, as I find that upsetting.

So I know I've over-loaded myself with emotions at the moment, and so that's why I'm feeling like this.

But being able to finally watch and read some articles about CSA - it's something I've tried to do before, and not really felt things - now I'm beginning to realise the truth of my own situation.  That things happened.  That they've impacted on me in different ways.  That it wasn't right.  That's quite a big thing to be realising.  I felt like I couldn't really acknowledge the truth of that before.  Like it didn't really happen - although I knew it did happen. 

I have periods when I don't have memories of things, and I have tendencies to block things out and not remember.  This can happen with lots of things. 

Dollyvee, thank you for what you said about listening to the gut instinct - I think that's important.

I do feel physically sick just now, and I'm going to go and maybe drink some water.  I am breathing and telling myself that I'm ok.  That is helping.  I feel it's good to be writing here.  I wanted to put that article in the CSA area of this forum, because I want to find it again, and was scared to link to it at home and store it.  I will read it again when I feel calmer. 

I think I over-loaded myself today with watching emotive things and then exploring further. 

I'm ok - I feel a bit better now.  I don't feel quite so nauseous.  I am ok. 

Hope  :)

Gentle hugs if you want them, Hope. I'm going to try to read that article. I resonated with what you said about knowing it happened and "Knowing". It's hard to not compartmentalize, to feel it rather than just think it. I'm there with you. Hope the water helps.

 :bighug:

Hope I'm so sorry this happened to you. I believe you. It's a major step to be able to come here and say this.  :grouphug:

Hi Hope,

Sending you gentle hugs if you want them and we're here for you.  :heythere:  :hug:

I started watching Children of the Underground on FX and I'm still trying to comprehend, on a body level I think, that this was how things were in the late 70s/80s and who knows how much later, that children were sent back to people that hurt them and the courts allowed this. I feel so much for the mom who was branded as hysterical for trying to protect her child and no one listened. I'm so sorry for what happened and I'm sure little Hope did everything she could to best protect herself.

dolly

 :grouphug: ... as you find further relief. We're with you.

Hi Cactusflower,
I managed to read more of that article, and I found it helpful.  I hope you will also find it helpful, when you read it.  Thank you so much for what you said, and sending you a hug  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :bighug:

Hi Armee,
Thank you  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
I looked up the series 'Children of the Underground' and I can see what you meant.  That series sounds really interesting.  Thanks also for the gentle hugs  :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome,
Thank you so much  :grouphug:  I felt like you were all with me.  It helped a lot.

********
27th August 2022
Not sure what I'll write today, but wanted to mention some things that come to mind, after what I wrote last time here in my Journal.  I found that I had really evoked the presence of many/several other parts of myself - who were quite vocal and shared feelings of shame, anger, annoyance with me, and made me feel as if I shouldn't have written about things - but I realised that those parts were trying to protect me, and trying to get me to stay more silent about things - similar to how I'd been programmed to be in the past - i.e. not sharing anything, not talking about things, coping by myself.

I have had some quite realistic dreams too - for some reason involving a fair ground kind of situation - with big wheels and lots of buzz and colour.  Not sure why I'd be there, but I do wonder if it's because I've been stimulating my vagus nerve, and that has caused me to feel some nausea sometimes - and that feeling reminds me of what I think it would be like to be on a fast ride at a fairground - and I definitely prefer slow rides, like the ones that little children enjoy - rather than fast ones that teenagers and adults tend to like.  I think that my attendance at the fairground in my dream was a nice experience, but I didn't go near the fast rides.

I am embarrassed by where this has gone already - why am I talking about that.  I don't know.    I've agreed not to edit or change anything I'm writing here.  So it is as it is.

My partner has mentioned a couple of times today that he thinks I'm a bit flat today - maybe a bit depressed.  This is interesting because I don't feel like that at all, but maybe my exterior self looks that way to him.  It's making me wonder which part of myself is prominent today - and why he's noticed such a difference.  I did notice that there was a self-harming kind of part with me whilst I was cooking earlier, and I had to be extra careful with using knives to chop vegetables, because I was getting thoughts of self-harming with the knives.  I also nearly burned myself with some hot water, and again, it felt like I was deliberately hurting myself - although I didn't actually do that.  I purposefully don't hurt myself, but there are thoughts as if I might.  I think that's the presence of a part of myself - a self-harming kind of part, that wants me to hurt myself.  I am however grateful that other parts keep me safe and don't allow this to happen. 

I have experienced some uncertainty regarding whether I am doing the right things to be spending time looking into things like my trauma - like the CSA.  Because the constant ruminating that I used to have regarding my FOO, it now seems like I'm ruminating about loss, grief, and issues relating to the CSA and my experiences - all the secrecy and the effects of everything on aspects of how I've lived my life over the years.  I am beginning to piece together things in a more coherent way, and to process my feelings from past times more.  But it's a long and involved thing, and it takes time and energy, and sometimes I think I should try to be more present and in the 'now' rather than in the past and what happened.

I was trying to be more in the 'now' today - and yet my partner commented that he thinks I'm more depressed than normal, that I'm flat.  That's interesting.  I really don't think I'm low today.  But maybe I've been more authentic, and more in touch with my feelings than normal.  Maybe I am therefore more down looking.

I can't write anything more now, it's like all my thoughts have gone away.  So I'll just stop writing for now.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope...I relate to this all...outside affect both matching inside especially and that is really hard and frustrating and incongruent.
Also relate a lot to the self harm impulses and accidents in the kitchen.. the urges even though we wouldn't and the careless accidental burns.

I think there's a difficult balance that we strive for to deal with the trauma so we can be free without being bogged down by it. It's hard.

Quote from: Armee on August 27, 2022, 05:39:07 PM
Also relate a lot to the self harm impulses and accidents in the kitchen.. the urges even though we wouldn't.

I think there's a difficult balance that we strive for to deal with the trauma so we can be free without being bogged down by it. It's hard.

I relate to those impulses in the kitchen too. Once again I am not alone with something, and nor are you two :'(   I mean it's good to not be alone but sad we all have this problem. I think it's a difficult balance too, the way you say it Armee.

:hug: :hug: to both of you, Hope and Armee

When I read your long post Hope, I have the impression that you are doing a lot of healing work atm, alot of processing and progress :) :hug:

Thanks Blueberry. That touched my heart and I'm sorry you struggle with it too. For the most part the impulses have lightened the past 6 months or so from a peak. I'm thankful my T doesn't overreact to those things. But last week I was cutting avocados and didn't really think...if I believe I have parts I'm not sure I do...but just super impulsively I grabbed the knife up high and went to stab it super fast and carelessly into the pit like I was play stabbing something. But I wasn't thinking at all and the knife missed the pit and stabbed straight through the avocado and into my hand to the bone. Luckily I didn't do any damage other than a deep cut that bled for awhile but I didn't sever any tendons or nerves and didn't get an infection. Normally they are impulses I'm aware of. This one I don't even know what happened.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you thought that series was interesting. It was/is eye opening to see how it was normalized and not talked about for so long, and how it's still really relevant today. It makes me so angry/shocked and I guess on some level we can feel that that is the culture as children that we are not listened to or protected (unless there's a good parent).

IMO I don't think we can really get away from these things and if we try to push them down they will just come up in other ways. It makes me think of the woman in the psychedelic documentary who had an abortion/miscarriage (?) while she was really young and developed cancer later on in life. She was a devout Roman Catholic but decided to try the treatment as a cancer patient and when she did, she went back and dealt with the grief she had buried over that.  I hope you find the way that works for you though.

dolly  :hug:

hey, hope, i've found it interesting how past trauma/s can just bubble up at times and overtake us even when we don't want to be in that space w/ them.  many, many times i've been told to let the past go, be in the 'now', and have told it to myself as well, but it just hasn't worked very well.  our minds, i think, let these memories, etc., free because they need resolution - they won't simply be pushed aside.  and it's an ongoing struggle, messes w/ our lives and perhaps even the way we present ourselves to others.  you've been doing so much reading about this part of your life, it may be a good sign it's presenting itself to you because you're able to now deal w/ it and resolve it, grieve, know the feelings that you weren't able to before.  sending love and a hug filled w/ resolving the past. :bighug:

Hi Armee, Blueberry, Dollyvee and SanMagic, Thank you all so much for what you wrote. 

Armee and Blueberry - I appreciated you sharing that you relate to the impulses/thoughts of self-harm - and it made me feel less alone with that, and also understood.  That's a nice feeling.  Armee - your experience with the avocado cutting, that's an 'ouch' moment, and I am so glad you're ok! 

Dollyvee and SanMagic - thank you for what you said about the impossibility to try to push down thoughts and feelings, and how they want to be expressed in the end, and indeed will be. 

Actually, I was reading in the Breaking Free workbook these words yesterday, which I wanted to make a note of in here, as they are very grounding and helpful to me:

"As a child you were treated as though your feelings did not matter.  The sexual abuse was to satisfy the desires of the abuser; how you felt was not important to him or her.  You are important and it does matter how you feel.  It is important that you take care of yourself whilst you do these exercises, that you move through them at your own pace and that you feel in control of what you are going through."

************
6th September 2022
As I write things today, I am feeling calmer in myself.  I am pleased with how the past few days have been - because I know that they were very emotional at times, and I felt like I was going through ups and downs, and sometimes not knowing how I'd cope, but actually managing 'to' cope.  So that was something that I feel good about - that I managed.

I have been dreaming a lot over past nights, and the content of the dreams has been surprising.  More themes of doing things that I might not necessarily do in my 'real' life. 

I still feel terror at night - those feelings of dread and angst and terror, but I am able to experience it at the time and actually feel aware of it, and allow it to be.  I am able to think that it's a part of me that feels that way, and there's another part of me that can process it too, but in an empathic kind of way.  I really don't think I can explain this easily - but what I do feel is that it's not so frightening or terrorizing as it used to be, and I don't end up flinging myself about or falling out of bed or any of those previous things - I haven't screamed out (according to my partner) in quite some time.  I think this is good, and especially as I've been doing more active reading about CSA and other issues that have been concerning me.

I think I must be pacing myself reasonably well - I am glad about that.

I have however experienced some body feelings that have been painful.  I've had what feels like a migraine kind of pain - the top left hand part of my head has really hurt, I thought I was going to die one night with the pain.  Or have a stroke or something.  But thankfully I was ok.  I thought maybe it was dehydration.  My eyesight was blurry quite a bit too - although I have had a new prescription in recent months.  But literally it was difficult to see properly. 

I noticed that PapaCoco had experienced something involving his eyesight, and then I thought - we read the same article - and he mentioned dissociating after reading it, and I had remembered dissociating whilst reading it too - and then the eyesight and migraine type issues - I think the timing was similar to having read it.  Wow.  That has made me wonder whether it was related to dissocation and having read something that I couldn't process easily.  Interesting to consider this.  But it does make me feel less worried or concerned about the physical pain.   Also, I am feeling quite a bit better today, and don't have any blurry stuff going on.

I have been continuing to use the vagal nerve stimulation exercises that Bach kindly listed, and I have even managed to sort of cope with a bit of a cold shower - our shower takes a while to heat up, and so there's time to have a 'cold' one whilst waiting for it to warm up - and I feel that getting in it whilst it's cold will satisfy the need to stimulate the vagus nerve, but also conserve water from being wasted - but I think it's really hard to do!  Bach, I empathise with you..   I kind of just splash the cold water on me, before judging when it's 'about' to change to warmer, and then launch myself in there.  It makes me laugh though, and that lightens my mood first thing - so really it's a very positive thing!

I have also found a series on Netflix which is called 'Headspace' and it's a guy who was a monk in the Himalayas called 'Andy' and he has done some medications, and I've been doing them each day - trying them out and now trying to do them daily.  I found it challenging that he chooses to also ask people to consider someone with whom there's an altercation or difficult emotion and then channel positive sunny thoughts onto them - but I did do it, and interestingly my M came into my head, and so I tried to channel some positive sunshine towards her.  Somehow it has resulted in me not feeling quite so scared by the thought of her.  Although I do not want to have contact with her.  No.

I have been journalling in a book and trying to do the exercises in the Breaking Free work book.  I realise I've not read the actual 'Breaking Free' normal book - only the shorter 'workbook' - so I wonder if I should try to get hold of it, to read it.  But honestly, the workbook is good, and I feel like I can just re-read it and keep writing things as and when they come up in my journalling.  I didn't normally write things down much at home, as I feared people finding them and reading them.  I even feared that I might die the other night, and a thought was 'Oh no, they'll read my journal and then they'll know.'  But I've told myself, so what if someone did know that you've been abused, it happens to people.  You're not the bad one.  (This has really upset part of me - I feel her wailing inside my head and the emotion whooshes up).

Going to have a cup of tea now.

Hope  :)

Typo in what I wrote above - Andy the guy in the Himalayas was doing 'meditations' not 'medications' - that's made me laugh out loud now too.   ;D

Wow, there is so much emotion mixed up - so many parts of me reacted when I re-read what I wrote.  There's a part that laughed and I genuinely felt that laughter.  But there's another part that is wailing and so upset and distraught - so I see how the different parts react so differently, within me.  I wanted to write it here and now.

Anyway, I am going to have a cup of tea.  I am ok - I am aware of how differently the different parts of me feel - and I am glad for each of them, that they're here and I can at least notice and try to help them. 

Thank you for listening, if you've read these ramblings today - I am glad to have written.  I have been reading other people's journals most days, but haven't written anything there yet, but I want to.  I will do soon, but at the moment I am feeling self-obsessed, in terms of just writing here today. 

Hope  :)

I appreciate what you shared.   :hug:

Hi Hope, it does sound like you've done a lot of work.  I will look for that series on netflix, it sounds interesting.  (and your typo made me laugh too!)  gentle hugs if you want them and a virtual cuppa tea.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts and for the empathy toward me. Too.

Hope your writing is not rambling. You are processing and sharing and teaching us all at the same time. I value your voice(s) here. And you're doing a good job pacing through this work.

Hi Hope,

That's great news that you are sleeping more comfortably  :cheer:

Thanks for sharing what you wrote. Sending you support and a hug to your parts if that's ok  :hug:

dolly

Hope, your writing is not rambling! It seems some part of you thinks that and/or maybe you were often told that in earlier times. I find your posts interesting and informative. And now that I've been told I have Parts and more of a dissociative problem than I hitherto realised, I find your posts even more informative.  :hug: :hug:

Hi Rainydiary - thank you  :hug:

Hi CactusFlower -  :hug:

Hi Armee - I appreciate you saying that, thank you  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee  Thanks  :hug:

Hi Blueberry - Thanks so much, I appreciate what you said.   :hug:

************
10th September 2022
I wanted to start by writing something from my Breaking Free workbook that I've been reading, which says
"You may wish to take a break from the exercises for a while.  Some Survivors come back to the same exercises again and again before they feel they are ready to move on.  If you begin to experience strong emotional or physical reactions allow yourself time and space to understand and process these reactions before continuing with the next exercises."

I recognise that I do need to take a break from doing the Breaking Free exercises - and I have had some quite strong physical reactions lately - very painful headache - left side of head, and today my eyes are stinging - but I think that's because I have cried sometimes and therefore my eyes are sore.  I've been afftected quite a bit by the death of Queen Elizabeth II - the country is in mourning now for 10 days and her funeral will be on Monday 19th September.  Her death has brought up unexpectedly strong emotions, relating to my FOO and I recognise the need to step back from trying to do stuff relating to the Breaking Free Workbook.

I ended up screaming out loud again the past couple of nights in my sleep - my partner told me, but I also heard myself on one occasion - and wondered how I'm able to even make such a loud and high pitched scream.  I don't think I could physically do that, if I tried to - in the light of day.  So it's as if there's another part of me that does that. 

I've been watching a series about a girl who came from a demonic kind of cult, and in discussing things with the woman who has temporarily fostered her, who happens to be a therapist - she talks sometimes with other people about the meaning of symbols within the cult, and how powerful those things are, and bring out conditioning and affect the person. 

It makes me realise how powerful different symbols, triggers might be, and how we don't always know what is affecting us.

My eyes feel as if I've got sun-cream in them, they hurt quite a lot.  I need to go and wash them and try to feel less sore.  I think I might go to bed for a while.  My partner has been worried about me a bit today - he asked me how I am, I said 'ok' but then feel like crying.  The radio is playing sad music all day for the Queen - the TV is talking about her all the time.  It's like it's enforced mourning, rather than there being any lighter moments to process things.  I think that reminds me of my childhood and being 'told how to feel' and feeling lack of space to express and process what I thought and feel about things.

Anyway, just coming here, and writing this, I think I feel a bit better.  So maybe I'll come back sometime soon, and talk some more.  Or maybe I'll just be asleep for a while - but either way, that will be ok. 

Hope  :)

hey, hope,  yeah, your grieving and mourning deserves to be in your own time at your own pace.  i think that was a brilliant realization. 

interesting about the pitch of your scream.  always interesting to see how parts play out, their narrative, their reactions. 

i agree w/ you about the strength and force of symbols and triggers.  i haven't realized any of that myself until i began digging into this work we're doing now.  they can be extremely so from time to time.  sounds like you may be triggered rather forcefully in your dreams.  thanks for sharing.  love and a hug :hug:

hugs, Hope.  There's a lot of grief going around lately. I know it sounds odd, but let a couple teabags cool off, then put them on your closed eyes for a minute or two. Very refreshing.  :grouphug:

Sending hugs to support you as you support the parts that have to scream.  :grouphug:

Taking a break has so much wisdom, and settling before moving on.

Hope,

I agree that letting a little sadness have its time in you is not a bad thing. We all know that mourning losses is an important step. Your recovery workbook is no doubt working you through letting go of a lot of familiar feelings, memories, reactions, etc. So, even if we're getting better, I believe we still need to mourn the parts of us that had to stop in order to let the new parts begin. Also with Queen E. If you're feeling like you need to mourn her, then that's what you need to do.  I sometimes remind myself that sadness is not depression. Sadness is a necessary emotion that helps us properly mourn loss.

I hope you can get some sleep. Rest is good for the soul.

And here's another hug.  :bighug:

I am thinking of you Hope and wishing you find your space to find your way of experiencing the current events

Quote from: Hope67 on September 10, 2022, 12:53:31 PM

My eyes feel as if I've got sun-cream in them, they hurt quite a lot.  I need to go and wash them and try to feel less sore.  I think I might go to bed for a while.  My partner has been worried about me a bit today - he asked me how I am, I said 'ok' but then feel like crying.  The radio is playing sad music all day for the Queen - the TV is talking about her all the time.  It's like it's enforced mourning, rather than there being any lighter moments to process things.  I think that reminds me of my childhood and being 'told how to feel' and feeling lack of space to express and process what I thought and feel about things.

Hi Hope,

Sounds like you are aware of your emotions and what's coming up for you and practising good self care. I think  you can turn off the TV and radio if you want to. I'm also finding it a bit overwhelming too in an enforced way. I think it puts a blanket over the colonial legacy that's still very strongly felt in some countries and the damage it did there, but that's me. I'm only realizing now how much stuff I had to push down because it wasn't "acceptable" to act like that.

I finished an article you posted on CSA and found it interesting the forms that dissociation can take. Apparently, it can distort an individual's sense of self and sensory input through the five senses. Perhaps this accounts for some of the vision issues you've been having? I think whatever the cause, it's helpful to listen to what's going on in the body and do what you feel is necessary.  :hug:

dolly

 :grouphug: to everyone, I appreciate what you've each said here - and really feel glad to be part of this community, it's so supportive and a kind place to be. 

**********
16th September 2022
Glad to have the support and space here - don't feel able to write much today - as holding many things in my head, and can't interpret those things meaningfully into written words  - well, I probably could try, but I am aware I need to keep myself contained at the moment, as a result of quite a few things happening at home today.  Other people around - and difficult to get any space or time to really relax.

Should be quieter over the weekend - and aware that the funeral of Queen Elizabeth nears closer - it has been thought provoking to participate in the period of National mourning - I felt a bit trapped by it at first, and over-whelmed, but I think it's actually been a good thing for me to contemplate issues of bereavement and grief - both in relation to the Queen, but also to other things in my life. 

I have been reading other people's journals here, and I am sorry I've not been over to comment there - or support you - but you are all in my minds, and I hope to re-connect with people next week - as I feel like there'll be more 'room' to do that.  Hope that makes sense. 

Currently I feel like I'm helping each of my 'parts' to get through this week - and spending time with them, and it's going ok, but takes a lot of my 'effort' and my 'thought'.

Surprised myself that I have written more than I thought I could.  I am not good when there's unexpected people in the house - but yet I've been able to come here and write this, so that's quite good.

Hope  :)

Sending warm support as you get through unexpected house guests. I am not good with that either. It sounds like you are doing a really good job taking care of yourself (all parts) during this. It's an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing it. I'm learning from you and others how to take care of myself too amd am very grateful.

I also think you are doing a good job expressing yourself and pacing trauma work.

Wow. A forced mourning period could be really triggering!

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much  :hug:

I think that a mourning period is triggering - I've noticed people writing online about their grief.  I've also noticed how a much younger part/s of myself notice the contrast between seeing the Queen's coffin, and then seeing footage of her life when she was alive, and it's confusing to my younger parts - I am not good with 'goodbyes' - that is triggering to me.  I recognise these things though, and it's good to just notice and reflect on the feelings. 

*********
17th September 2022
I asked my partner if he slept well last night.  He said 'yes'.  He asked me if I did.  I said 'yes'.  He then told me that I had 'sort of screamed out' at one point in the night.  (I hadn't been aware of that).  He told me that he had responded to my screaming by telling me 'It's ok, it's all alright' and apparently I'd said to him 'How do you know it's alright' - but he also said that as I said that I had laughed.  I think that's quite a positive sign that whilst I was interacting with him in my sleep that the humour of the situation came out - it wasn't like terror, it had some humour there.

I see that as a good sign. 

I've been sticking to doing meditation sessions - just short ones about 5 to 10 minutes long - but doing them regularly - once in the morning, then at late morning, and once in the afternoon.  I am just doing breathing meditation and then doing a body scan to relax my body, and I also tell all my inner parts that I am safe and things are ok.  I think it's a good thing, because I do feel like I am getting better at quietening and calming my system. 

I've also been doing the vagus exercises that Bach told me about.

Yesterday I put some music on and ended up really letting some emotion out - I was alone in the house at that time, so I didn't feel self-conscious that anyone would hear me.  It did me some good, and I think I'll do it again when I get a chance.

I took my Breaking Free workbook back to the library.  Somehow I just felt I needed to give myself some space from it for a while, because I want to concentrate on some things I want to get done next week - and so taking a break from the workshop exercises seems the thing I need to do.  But I will continue to journal in my notebook I've started, and get out my feelings that way - as well as coming here too.  The combination of all these things, is helping.

I feel some nice emotions today - as if things might be going to improve in terms of my processing - I do feel like I'm doing ok today.

Hope  :)

I appreciate you sharing about your meditation, vagus, and music experiences.  I hope that they support you reaching where you'd like to go. 

Thank you for sharing your routine, Hope.  May it continue to support and help you. gentle hugs if you want them.

It's great to hear that you felt some nice emotions today Hope :cheer: :hug:

I like hearing that you took that workbook back to the library because of needing to give yourself space. I appreciate hearing that you're feeling more what you need and acting on that feeling. That sounds like progress to me.

Good on you for doing regular exercises - both the meditation and the vagus ones! Regular practice (or regular anything) is something I really struggle with a lot, so admire when someone else can :)

Good luck through the mourning period in the UK (and Commonwealth). I think I would find it very stifling.

I can vouch for the ins/outs/ups/downs you are living with lately. Just when it can seem pointless we often can be nudged into a different feeling about it all.

My own similar experience of late involved what I thought was a great therapy session, coupled with a visit from a long-ago friend; but followed by a crash, complete with an unreasonable self-doubt and self-loathing ("don't deserve goodness," etc). Then a return to the upside today. Go figure? I've never been able to resolve this, other than the old reminders that cptsd is so deeply embedded it's hard to dislodge, especially in short order.

I hope your rebound and new sense of peace builds; maybe it's all like coursing the fields and venturing past new gates leading to a brighter horizon ahead. Hope so.

Hi Rainydiary - thank you for your supportive words, I appreciate them.  :hug:

Hi Cactusflower - I appreciate those gentle hugs, thank you  :hug:

Hi Blueberry - Yes, it was good to experience those positive emotions.  Thanks for your support and hugs  :hug: 

Hi Woodsgnome - Thank you, I appreciate hearing your experiences, and I am sorry that you've had that crash with self-doubt cycle - I don't think you deserve that for any amount of time - you are a very kind and lovely person in my opinion.  I really liked what you wrote about 'coursing like fields and venturing past new gates leading to a brighter horizon ahead' and I'm definitely hoping that is going to be my horizon, and that of many or all of us - we deserve it, I think!   :hug:

**********
19.09.22
I must admit I've been a bit avoidant today - in terms of not really watching much coverage of HRH's funeral.  I have been thinking of her though and I will watch some parts of it later.  I have taken time in the day to walk and contemplate nature, with my partner, and that felt like the right thing to do for us today. 

I realised at the start of the day, when I heard someone talking of today marking a 'final goodbye' - and then realising how triggering I find that word 'goodbye' and all things associated to it.  I couldn't then handle watching the funeral etc, and so I didn't.

I feel quite philosophical this afternoon - we might have another walk later.  Being outside in nature on such days, it's nice. 

Hope  :)

Nature is amazing. I feel so much better outside too. I'm glad you are feeling pretty good and that you listened to yourself and took the book back and turned off the funeral.  :grouphug:

what armee said, hope.  i, too, find myself feeling calmer, more myself in nature.  it sounds like you're doing a lot of self-care and i'm glad for you.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Gentle hugs, hope.  nature herself can be so healing and supportive. Fresh air helps the mood, too. I'm with you.

 :grouphug:  Thank you everyone for what you wrote - I appreciate all of you. 

************
22nd September 2022
Whilst I took the 'Breaking Free' book back to the library, what I hadn't really realised (which makes me wonder how dissociated I might have been when I was in the library) was I brought back several books - I don't want to share the titles of all of them, incase the librarian somehow accesses this forum, and then will know exactly who I am (such is my paranoia about being discovered) - I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's my thought processes about this.

Anyway, I am reading this book now - "#Me Too: You Are Not Alone" by Jyssica Schwartz - which is a compilation of accounts of people's experiences with sexual assault, abuse and harassment.

I am finding it very helpful to read these accounts - although I also notice how much it causes me to think back to my own situations over the years, and at different ages - and literally that I could write quite a lot of things about these things - both as a child and as an adult.  I'm just allowing the thoughts to come and go in my mind - and I keep thinking that there are things people have written that I'd like to keep note of - as they are like gems that I relate to and want to remember.  So I might put a few quoted things here - in my journal - I don't know.  I wished I'd written some things as I had read them this morning, as now I am not sure I'd find them - I could re-read them.

I value having this place to keep stuff like that, because I do from time to time throw away (tear up and throw away) written notes I've made, and I can at least keep these words here - to refer back to - but know that nobody in my home will see them, as they are safe here in the forum.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope67,

Safety first, as you say. Balanced by the desire to cautiously hold on, and utilize certain painful gems, as you call them, from these writings. After all, these recollections about the major bumps along the road to building a new outlook on life. And by achieving that, a little here and there, we do notice steps that help us with our own grief.

I also wade in, but as frequently pull back upon encountering some brutish recollections via reading others' tales. It takes a bit, but if I can endure these aftershocks to my memories, I've noticed at least a little bit of relief slides into my overall pained psyche. I don't want the pain again, yet these slight tracks into the troubles I hoped never to experience again in any form -- they can, even with difficulty; at least be glanced at.

It takes lots, though. So I admire your willingness to give these stories a careful, wary glance. Sometimes it can be jolting, and hopefully we're strong enough to at least wade in a bit. The forever temptation is to avoid it all; yet sometimes it does help to find a collective pull with others who've traveled through and out of the initial pain.

I admire the fortitude it takes to do this. As mentioned -- I try, give up, but usually tip-toe back, finding it's always somehow useful (though painful) to do so. It never seems to fully resolve any of my past hurts -- after all, all abuse is senseless to begin with; yet, as is often apparent on this forum -- we are not alone.

Quote from: Hope67 on September 22, 2022, 03:13:20 PM
... incase the librarian somehow accesses this forum, and then will know exactly who I am (such is my paranoia about being discovered) - I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's my thought processes about this.

This caught my eye. I don't think it's ridiculous at all! I use all sorts of words on here to disguise who I am in case FOO ever read. It's sooo unlikely they would, but you never know. I usually write about my little furbabies w/o saying what type they are and have only just recently mentioned one of my nationalities here on the forum, I don't say where i live etc. I think it's good to be cautious, Hope. We have reason for that, it's not paranoia imho.  :hug: :hug:

Hi Woodsgnome - yes, safety first, that is important.  I am going to look back to gather and utilize the painful gems from the writings - You mentioned wading in, and then pulling back - but enduring through the aftershocks to memories.  But also relief.

I am finding it validating to read other people's experiences - because I realise how I have minimised many of my own experiences - not seeing them for what they have been.  Being unable to in many ways.  But I am beginning to see more clearly now.  Not all the time, but oftentimes.  Clarity does come through.

Sending you a hug Woodsgnome, and thank you for sharing your experiences.  :hug:

(The doorbell just went - now my train of thought is lost a bit...)

Yes, I agree with you Woodsgnome about not being alone anymore, this forum is great in that respect. 

Hi Blueberry - Thank you for sharing that you are also careful about what you write in terms of not wishing to be recognised.  Even as I had written about my fears being ridiculous, part of me said that people here would understand, and wouldn't think it was ridiculous, and you were very kind to say that very thing.  Thank you  :hug:

*********
23rd September 2022
I have no idea what I was going to write about - the doorbell went, and it put me off my train of thought.  So I'll leave it for now, and come back another time. 

Hope  :)

I've found the same to be true Hope about reading others experiences bringing clarity and compassion and understanding of my own. I found Roxanne Gay's book Not That Bad helpful for that too, in case you haven't read it yet. I'll try the book you have now too. Thanks for writing about it here.

Same for me, Hope. Reading other's memoirs in order to write my own has very much pushed home the point that I'm not alone. We're here in this space with you, and gentle hugs if you want them.

Hi Armee - thanks so much for mentioning that book - I recognise the name 'Roxanne Gay' - not sure whether I've read one of her books before, but I'll check out the one you mentioned.  Thank you.   :hug:

Hi CactusFlower - yes, I was inspired by the fact you've written your own memoir and I also appreciate the gentle hugs too -  :hug:  thank you  :)

***********
26th September 2022
I have just been reading some things that others have written in their journals, and I was struck by Armee writing about how she was able to remember more through stopping the defence against remembering - I realise I've probably phrased that wrongly - but it was a sense that I got that things become a bit easier if they aren't defended against.  I relate to that.

Since I took the Breaking Free workbook back to the library, and then just organically gathered a few different books to bring back and read - I've not set myself tasks, but just dipped into different things as and when, and somehow having some space and some freedom to do as and when, it seems to have made things easier to process - or at least to be less upsetting.  More freeing.

I think that meditating for the five minute sessions twice a day have been really good.  I am reminding myself to allow space for all my inner parts and beginning to extend the time to allow me to try communicating with them - I'm still tentative about this, as for some reason whilst I feel like I can talk 'to' them - I am scared to ask them direct questions.  I often say things like 'You can show me what you want me to see' and then I get flashes of things - but they are fragmented and don't make sense.  But they do show me things.

I still get the feeling of dread at night - I think it usually happens around 1pm or so.  I think it is typically around that time.  But I just allow that feeling to 'be' and I don't fight it - I just try to be with it, rather than react.  It doesn't last long, and I think I then sleep.  So this is better than previously. 

Hope  :)

I have experienced the same, that letting upsetting things be there is far less upsetting than fighting them.

I downloaded samples of the me too/we too books but stopped reading then because I don't want to let thay affect what I remember or more like I don't want it to be more cause for me to doubt my experience. One day I'll go back to them.

It sounds like you are making a very safe space for the parts of you who remember to share...those fragments.

I only ever got fragments too and it took a long time for me to see what picture they were painting. I have read about trauma and memory and remember that it would be described as both knowing and not knowing. I always thought that meant that other people KNEW like all the details and KNEW what exactly happened but were choosing to not acknowledge it. I didn't feel like that was me...i knew but didn't know, but it was tentative lowercase knowing. Now I can see how this whole experience is exactly how these things work, exactly how it is described. I knew but I didn't know. I had fragments but didn't understand. Just piece by piece a few each year they added up until I couldn't have any more doubt.

Quote from: Hope67 on September 26, 2022, 06:21:04 PM
I think that meditating for the five minute sessions twice a day have been really good.  I am reminding myself to allow space for all my inner parts and beginning to extend the time to allow me to try communicating with them - I'm still tentative about this, as for some reason whilst I feel like I can talk 'to' them - I am scared to ask them direct questions.  I often say things like 'You can show me what you want me to see' and then I get flashes of things - but they are fragmented and don't make sense.  But they do show me things.

Hi Hope,

It didn't make sense for a while sometimes what my parts showed me. It was a journey as well I guess to find out what it meant and really getting an idea or map of how my internal world is organized. It didn't happen like it was written about in the Jay Earley book. I think perhaps your protectors would step in if they were going to show you something you didn't want to see? Or perhaps you could ask them to step in and not to flood you if so.

Glad you're finding a way through it though that makes you feel safe and heard.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

hey, hope,

i think accepting what we feel or sense can go a long way to making things easier for us.  we use up a lot of energy in that defense mode.  that being said, i'm wondering about accepting your nighttime dread - has it made any difference in your sleep?  i know you've frequently spoken about screaming while asleep.  i certainly hope so - you deserve some decent, restful, peaceful sleep.  i also like your piecemeal way of looking at things.  sounds like you're finding what works for you instead of going down someone else's path.  well done!  love and hugs :hug:

 :grouphug:

 :sunny:

Hi Armee, Dollyvee, SanMagic, Not Alone and Larry,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote -  :grouphug:

********
9th October 2022
I have a horrible tummy ache today - not sure why.  I had it before I ate, and it's not got any better since I ate.  I'm going to try to relax and hope it will go away by tomorrow.

I just mentioned it to my partner, and he says he also has a stomach ache, so now I wonder what it is!    Hopefully we'll both be ok after a bit.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I hope you and your partner both get well soon! :hug:

ditto, hope.  fingers crossed it's only a little bug that will fly away very soon.  love and hugs :hug:

I hope you feel better soon Hope.

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic & Rainydiary,
Thank you so much for your kind care - my tummy bug thankfully only lasted a few hours - I was much better after a sleep overnight, and was relieved about that.  Not sure what it was, maybe just something we ate.

***********
13th October 2022
I just finished listening to a talk by Bessel van der Kolk in a Summit that is going on this week.  I found his talk interesting.  He researches things thoroughly and with care and concern.  He's writing another book, which I think he said will be called 'Come To Your Senses' - and so I will hope to buy that book when it is published.  I hope he finishes it soon. 

He also mentioned a book that he had read which had inspired him to go into psychiatry - it was called 'I Never Promised You a Postcard' - I might try to read that sometime - not sure who wrote it - but wanted to mention it here to remind myself to look it up.

I feel a bit strange right now, as I'm aware that I don't feel quite like myself as I write - and I wonder what part of me is dominating just now.  But I'll just keep writing anyway, and say a few more things.

I think maybe there's some discomfort as I want to write about an episode of 'Doctors' that was aired in the UK yesterday - and they featured a woman patient who had DID.  I thought they portrayed her quite well, as it's a programme that only lasts for about 30 minutes, and to cover a topic in such a short time frame is quite clever.  I was interested that my partner, who also watched it with me, wasn't surprised at all by the topic, and I knew that was down to my talking to him about fragmented personalities, and dissociation, and dissociative identity disorder etc.    I feel like I want to get rid of that whole paragraph now.  I feel embarrassed to have mentioned it.  But I'll leave it there.

I don't think I have DID, I think I have fragmented parts who have their own identities and feelings and thoughts, and they are all within me - and I value them being there, as I've been getting to know them over the past few years now.  But generally I feel like I am in control of myself - in that my 'self' is driving the bus.  Although I can clearly recognise times (particularly in the past as well as the present) when other parts have been prominent and where my voice has spoken their words, or my filter has seen the things that they see and feel.

Yet there isn't a sense of being out of control - because I feel able to see and sense the differences, and thankfully I've been able to sometimes change my behaviour in time for it not to cause some difficulty.

I have continued to have some meditation time - twice a day maximum, and sometimes just once a day - and only for about 10 minutes per session, but having done this for the past week or two, I think I'm getting better at calming and tuning into my internal states, and focusing on my breath, and then doing a body scan and relaxing my body parts - then I imagine a clearing where I invite any parts who might be present to 'be' there - and communicate if they want to.

Actually, I've really only been doing the meditation, body scan and then just a moment or two of the communication with the parts - and somehow I don't do that for long - it's as if I'm scared about what they might say - I recognise that thought comes from a protector kind of part of myself, and maybe that's why I just need to continue for a few more weeks, and then see what comes.  Consistency and being true to myself to 'be there' for all the parts - that's seeming to be a good key to tell them I'm reliable.  That I am there for them, and that I care about them. 

I feel that there's a part of myself that is very upset about something - I feel her presence within me, but can't relate to what it is that makes her feel that way. 

Looking for the trigger, I think it was that I felt like I saw in Bessel van der Kolk his compassion and caring, and that he disliked the monetarisation of people's issues, and I felt humbled by his care for research that can truely help someone.  For some reason that upsets part of me.

Hope  :)

hi Hope :) thank you so much for sharing this
I appreciate you talking about your body scans and communication with your parts.
I've been doing that maybe once or twice a month.. but by saying it out loud here, you're encouraging me to do it more.
It's so overwhelming for me... but maybe I don't need to be afraid of doing it more often.
It was really good for me to read your post.... just how you are so caring to your parts... thank you.
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like  :hug:

I really appreciate what you wrote about fragmentation and DID, Hope, because that is how it is for me too and I don't know where it fits on the spectrum but it's all quite confusing.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're feeling better  :hug:

It's really timely what you wrote about DID. I was doing some reading on Dzogchen (or watching old episodes of Project Runway) and the next day I had a feeling of seeing myself in different times, throughout my life and how I felt like I was such a different person; how did I get to be this person now? I was wondering if these feelings of CPTSD (the hypervigilance, fear, insecurities etc) are the driver and then we wake up and realize that we've driven through all of these landscapes (opportunities, times, places) but we're still in the same car? Once I step outside the feelings of CPTSD, and the "car" they put me in, then I see things differently? I don't know.

Wishing you well with your meditation. I meditated for 20 mins twice a day, everyday for a few years and it helped me focus my mind through a very difficult time. I hope it helps you in a similar way.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

hugs, hope!

I think even those of us who know our Inner Children are certain ages and why they're that age have others within us. Not quite the fracturing of DID, but we're aware of parts that can feel separate sometimes. All we can do is to parent ourself again lovingly.

Hope, just dropping in to say hi.  :hug:

Hi Phil, Armee, Dollyvee, CactusFlower, and Not Alone,   :grouphug:  thank you for what you each said.  I appreciate you!  :-)

**********
17th October 2022
I have had a headache for a couple of days - it was particularly bad last night - when it seemed to be like someone was stabbing my eye-ball (left hand side one) and the front of my head (left-side).  Today it's like a band around the front of my head - I wonder if I'm dehydrated.  I'll try to drink more water.

I have got quite a few things I would like to write about, but maybe I can do that better when I've got rid of the headache. 

Might go and lie-down for a bit.

Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

Rest up and feel better, Hope. Thank you for the healing words you provided me this week.  :grouphug:

Hi Hope,

I hope you feel better and get a chance to say what you want to say even if your headache (a part?) is stepping in and interfering with it.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

gentle hugs, Hope. headaches in that location are so awful. I hope it passes soon for you. I'd be happy to tell you what helps for me, but only if you want me to. I know unsolicited advice can be annoying at times. Wishing you plenty of rest.

Hi Armee  :hug: to you.  Thanks so much.

Hi Dollyvee - I do think that my headache was a 'part' - I have experienced that headache over previous days, and I really do think it's a part.  I appreciate your support and also what you said.   :hug:

Hi CactusFlower - Thank you  :hug:  I would definitely like to know what helps you with headaches in that location - I would value your advice and suggestions, so yes please, any suggestions or thoughts are very welcome.  Thank you. 

***********
Whilst my headache has improved, and I am not experiencing it just now - which is a relief.  It lasted on and off for a few days.  I do think that it was a part - somehow affecting me. 

I've had a part of myself which is like a teenager who is angry and has a lot of angst within her, and she's been accompanying me for periods of time in the day, and seems to be projecting her anger onto some people in my life - who probably don't deserve that angst being put on them, but I have reacted by allowing that part to vent her feelings and thoughts in the background, and NOT acting on the actions she'd like me to do towards those people.  It's been interesting.

I've had some vivid dreams too - one was very pertinent as it involved my sitting next to my M (which normally wouldn't be something I could tolerate, and I'd be wanting to run away/escape - but I was actually trying to talk to her about ways she could handle a situation she wasn't comfortable about - and noticed that I felt some satisfaction that she was struggling - as I know how much she would wish to be in control and not have anyone cause her issues.  But I was also trying to be helpful to her, whilst protecting my own boundary.  So that is a big thing.  Being able to face her in a dream and assert a personal boundary, whilst communicating with her.

I'm writing this quite quickly - so as not to edit myself too much.  Just type out what I want to say, quite quickly.

Some of my friends have been facing some difficult things lately - and I felt a bit blocked/stuck in how to react or how to best help them.  I felt a bit useless really - but I realise I've been over hard on myself, as I did help one of my friends out - and she was grateful to me. 

I find that the more I journal in hand-writing in a book I have, the more I dream.  I wish I'd done that more before, but better late than never.

Hope  :)

21st October 2022
Today was really nice, we did some enjoyable things (my partner and I) - taking time for ourselves, and chilling out.  We also got some nice food to enjoy - it was really good.
Felt like a weekend before a weekend.  Felt carefree, which is a lovely feeling. 
Hope  :)

Ah, the peace that is always there; we don't always recognize it, appreciate it, or think it's lost ... and then, there it is! Hard to describe, and elusive, but when it comes it's fun to share as you've just done so well, Hope.

Thank you!

:grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Hope I have no doubt you have been helping your friends even more than you realize. I can attest that here you have helped me out tremendously.

I wonder what that teenage part has been trying to help you with lately? She must be there for a reason. I love the righteous anger of teens. They are smart and passionate and protective.

Your recent day with your significant other sounds lovely and like more of those would do you good.

Hugs, Hope! glad you had a good time, I hope it continued through this weekend. :)

I am so intrigued by being carefree.  I find it sometimes but it feels so rare.  I'm glad that you found that this weekend.

 :hug:

 :grouphug: Thank you for what you each said.   :hug: to each of you. 

**********
11th November 2022
I've not felt able to come here much to write anything, although I did come here to read and touch base in that way.  It's been a while since I wrote anything here of any substance, but that's been because it's been hard to do so.  Parts haven't felt comfortable, for whatever reason.  BUT - I'm here today, and I think that I will be able to write more as the days progress. 

I've felt a bit like I've been undergoing some changes within - like a chrysalis transforming - and that's been painful and difficult to negotiate, but I think that the changes have been positive.  But it's painful to change.  Painful to feel.  Difficult to describe.  Hence the defence from parts about sharing the changes, sharing the pain, describing any of it in any meaningful way.

I experienced feeling as if I was very small, and like a child, and as if you were all adults talking here, and I felt like I couldn't join in.  Like I couldn't express things.  That was how it felt sometimes.  I felt like I wanted to 'run away' - shield myself from difficult feelings and thoughts, and hide.

I was reading some things that famous people had written in magazines, and how they struggle with their emotions and feelings.  I related to things they said.  I thought - we're all human, and sensitive, and vulnerable - regardless of how things 'look' on the outside.  How things appear - it's not how it necessarily is inside.

Interesting that as I write these things, I'm surprised that I'm writing so much - having said I can't write anything - but is it meaningful - maybe.

Already I feel like I've stirred up parts within myself who feel upset that I've come here and that I'm writing.  I need to tell them, it's ok.  It's safe here, I can write things, and it's ok.

Can't write more now, but glad to have written some things.  Hope to re-connect with people's journals sometime soon - I've been reading things people write, but not feeling able to say much/contribute anything - but I do care.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope.  :sunny:

I'm glad you could share here today. I miss reading what you have to say and it is always insightful and helpful when you are able to write.

Hi Hope,

Sending a hug to you and your parts if that's ok. Maybe it can be frustrating to not be able to write so much, but your parts have a reason for wanting to keep you safe. I hope you're able to reassure them and give them some comfort about what you're doing.  :hug:

dolly

 :hug: to you Hope  :wave:

gentle hugs if you want them, Hope.  I get not always wanting to write. We know you're with us and we're here with you, writing or not.

Hi Armee and Dollyvee - thank you both so much  :hug: :hug:

Hi Blueberry and CactusFlower - Just saw your replies too, thank you so much .  :hug: :hug:

**********
Trigger warnings - not sure what I'll write today
14th November 2022
I think I've been making more realisations and links about my experiences in life and my trauma.  Therefore it's felt more like a roller coaster of emotions in recent weeks.  What's helped me to process these things has been a discipline of meditation and being present twice a day to calm my nervous system and scan my body, and I have also been using 'dot-to-dots' more often to enable me to think about 'past things' whilst focusing my brain on connecting the dots - and it's enabled me to stay present and not get re-traumatised.  I wrote in my journal (paper journal) "Small things can cause triggers that really hurt/affect my vulnerable parts.  But being able to recognise it, and also continuing to have regular meditation and connection sessions with my parts - that is stabilising and helpful.  I do feel more grounded and stable as a result of that practice."

I've also been using Facebook reunion sites for the various schools I attended in the past (of which there are several schools) and looking for names I recognise or putting names I remember in the search engine.  The weird thing is that I've not been able to find anyone I actually know/remember - this makes me wonder whether the people I knew were kind of 'transient' and didn't stick around with the school.  I've noticed that when I read about the reunions, and hear what the people say who attend them, that I feel a sense of jealousy that they've been able to maintain friendships across the years, and didn't have to leave friends and lose contact.  But I also wonder whether there are many people in that situation - i.e. whether what appears to be 'jolly' is actually that way, or just what people write in social media situations to appear as if they are popular.  So there's a cynical part of that there I guess.

I also looked at year photos - scanning them to see if I could see myself or anyone I knew - and the result of that is to make me realise how young children look at particular ages, and how differently I felt at such an age - not being clear about just how young I was. 

Unfortunately I don't have many photos of myself as a child - so I can't easily look back - there are a few, and I have looked at those, but there's one particular album that I feel sure has been 'misplaced' by 'me' when another part of me might have been 'driving my bus' and making me 'lose' that album.  I wish I knew where it was, as I would like to see it.

I read a book called "The Buddha & The Borderline: A Memoir" by Kiera Van Gelder - I was impressed by her life and her experiences and enjoyed the book.  I found it very positive in the outcome.  Glad I read it.  She described her book on the front cover as 'my recovery from borderline personality disorder through dialectical behaviour therapy, buddhism and online dating'.

I was looking at my journal today, and noticed that I'd written this: "It annoys me that I feel as if I've done something wrong in relation to how things have turned out with my biological family.  I wish I could shake that feeling off and reassure and comfort myself and tell myself that I faced some difficult situations."

I also wrote "Yesterday part of me thought about the fact that my Dad is dead.  He's died.  Sometimes I don't think that reality has really hit me."

I've been able to express some anger in my paper journal - "I feel some anger towards my parents.  They never explained anything to me.  They assumed that I didn't remember things.  They made it taboo to talk about many things.  I feel angry about this."

I've been concerned about gaps in memory - especially regarding any sexual memories with exes.  It's as if there's a part that literally rubs out these memories - won't let me access them.  But, it's dififcult then to know if anything untoward was going on.  I noticed when I wrote this in my paper journal that I literally had stomach pains.  Maybe I hold tension when I think about this. 

(Right now, I'm looking through my paper journal - just writing a few things across - I don't know whether I'll keep the paper journal - I might tear pages up - but for now, I'll just transfer a few things here).

I wrote "I flashback to remembering an issue with my neck, almost like a whip-lash feeling and my Dad holding me down and my struggling against that - wonder was he resonding to a night-terror, or was he the cause of that struggle."

Interesting that I feel some anger as I write this - which I think is directed towards my Dad.

Something else I wrote in my paper journal: "Having to keep secrets and lie to maintain secrets.  Teaching a child to do that - it's not healthy.  Fragmentation happens.  It's protective.  A way to survive."

As I've been writing those things, I've noticed in the back of my mind, that I feel more angry towards my Mum.  I feel sure she must have known things weren't right and she just looked the other way.  Didn't care enough to do anything.  I feel sure she would deny there was anything untoward going on.  She would deny it.

Anyway, I feel ok now.  I wrote the above, and it feels ok that it's in my journal. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,
I am so sorry to hear about all of this, it must feel terrible to be worrying about all these strange memories and wonder what really happened at that time.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have never been sexually abused but there has been quite a lot of physical and emotional abuse in my family, which I am only very slowly coming to terms with. I used to try and make excuses for my parents' behaviors, but recently I have been getting quite angry at them for the way they treated me. It feels terrible to think about all the times my father has physically or emotionally hurt me as a child, but I'm finding it just as difficult to come to terms with the fact that my mother never did anything about it at all. Looking back I am finding it incomprehensible how she never tried to protect me or my sister when we were beaten up, so I completely understand your anger towards your mum and dad.

I think very often in this society anger is seen as something bad that we need to overcome as quickly as possible, but in the case of people like us who suffer from CPTSD I actually believe that it can be very helpful. I guess it is impossible to know exactly what happened in the past, but the truth is that it negatively affected you and that you are feeling traumatised, so you certainly have the right to feel angry and put the blame back on your parents. It's okay to acknowledge how much your parents made you suffer and I hope that this will bring you some peace because you can stop blaming yourself all the time and start understanding that none of this is your fault...

Not sure if that makes sense to you, it's just something I am going through myself at the moment and thought you might be able to relate based on what I have read in your journal so far...
Sorry if this doesn't apply to you

dear hope, what a lot of memory to process, so much feeling and realization.  i think your anger is more than justified - everything you said about lies and secrets being forced into a child's mind, a child's life is so true.  i'm so very glad you were able to write all this out and feel better afterward.  you've come such a long way, hope.  may i encourage you to keep going - you've got a lot of life to live.  love and hugs :hug:

I appreciated reading your reflection.  The journey into memory is interesting- I think I would have that struggle too.  I wish you well on your journey and on integrating thing.

Sending comfort and an open invitation to the blanket fort San helped me set up, as you let yourself know what you know when you are ready.

Safe hugs if they are wanted...

:grouphug:

Gentle hugs, Hope. That's a lot to process, but it sounds like you're making some important discoveries as well. You have every right to be angry and for as long as you feel the need to. I think gathering in a blanket fort sounds like a great idea for us!

Hi Hope,

Want to send you some hugs if you want them. I'm glad that you were able to express anger and that you're able to process a bit where that anger comes from. I also don't think it was fair for your parents to try and limit you, and ask you to keep secrets. It wasn't fair and I understand why you might feel so conflicted about expressing yourself around people. I hope you continue to find a safe place to do so.  :hug:

That's great that your meditation practice is going well  :cheer:

dolly

hi, hope, thinking of you.  sending love and a hug full of care.   :hug:

Hope, you are processing a lot. I want you to know that I care.

 :bighug: to all of you who kindly wrote here, I appreciated what each of you said so much.  Thank you  :hug:
Hope  :)

9th December 2022
I am relieved to be writing here again, as I had really struggled to come here to write in recent days, and then discovered it was weeks!  I don't think I can even try to describe how it's been, but the good thing is I'm here again and able to write.  I am pleased about that.  It feels good to be here again, and I hope to reconnect with people here again.  Catch up with things in people's journals.  Feel like I've been distant.  But it's been difficult to cope with my own turmoils within - although I think much of that is to do with 'feeling more'.  I'm not so used to that.  But I see it as a good thing.  Because feeling things more means all emotions. 

Hope  :)

 :hug:

I'm glad you're here, and if it's helpful to share, that you are able to do that with ease. Feeling all the emotions does feel like ultimately it will be a good thing, but we haven't really built up a tolerance yet. It sure does take practice to know how to feel things that have been shut off for so long.

It's good to see you back Hope  :hug:

Hope,

So good to see that your storm is calming down. That's how I look at our longer term EFs.  A non-believer of PTSD would just call us "choosing to let things bother us."  But I am a believer in the truth about PTSD and I know that you and I don't "choose" any of this.

So when the dark times start to overpower us, (and most people know the Holiday Season brings a lot of darkness to a lot of people), I've personally stopped taking responsibility for "choosing" to be depressed or anxious. I call the weeks of depression, confusion and anxiety, a storm. Storms come when they come. We can't control when they start, how intense they become, nor when they end. For me, the best thing I can do is hunker down and weather the storm. If it takes me off the forum for a while, then so be it. The storm will last for as long as it lasts and then it will mysteriously leave when it does. The caring souls on this forum are always quick to welcome us back.

Your return to the forum, makes me envision your weeks-long storm is ending and I hope very much that you are beginning to feel some relief and rest from having been through it.

I'm so glad to see you back online. Like I'm glad when I see anyone finally getting over the flu, or a hurricane, I feel connected to everyone on the forum and I'm always hoping your storms, along with my own storms, end quickly and safely.

:hug:

glad you made it back, hope.  i agree - having these emotions come up can be daunting, upsetting, and disturbing.  they can knock us off our center.  you're not alone - i go thru periods of distress cuz of emotions also.  i know it's making me more human and more whole to have, like you said, all kinds of emotions.  we'll keep going, shall we?  right beside you, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

I resonate with the more emotions of all kinds that come up as we feel more.  I hope you find ways to support and experience all that is coming up.

Hi Hope,

Sending you a hug :hug: Hope that's ok.

dolly

Glad to see you back! Gentle hugs if you want them and take it at your own pace. We're still here.

Thank you everyone  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

Hi Not Alone,
That is serendipity, I just wrote in your Journal, and then saw your lovely hug here - thank you! :grouphug:
Hope  :)

28th December 2022

I looked back recently at my journal from 2018, and re-read things that I'd written and also responses from people in the forum, and wanted to just summarise a few 'reflections' I've had at the end of this 2022 journal, in preparation for starting my 2023 journal.    I am going to mention the names of the forum members who kindly replied to me – and hope that they don't mind my doing that – but it will help my recollection to have their names alongside the different reflections.

These notes may not make sense to anyone reading them, they are literally for my processing and recollecting.  They are helpful to me in terms of processing and going over things.   My process in writing them was to hand-write some things, and then today I'm re-typing them, and then pasting the result to this journal.  I've made it sound more complicated than it is! 

Anyway, here are my 'notes' and recollections from the previous journal.

I'd been reading about John Bradshaw and he mentioned 'feeling kind of work' - and SanMagic had said "when those feelings come to us at such a visceral level that they're not always readily available to be recognised right away' - I related to this very much.

Janina Fisher's meditation circle was another tool I found (and still find) really helpful – although I don't participate in it as regularly as I would like to – it can be rare, but I do meditate more now and communicate with parts that way too.  But mentioning this 'meditation circle' reminds me to try to include all parts in that more regularly.   

Realisation: Something I also find helpful is to listen to inner critic voices as tools for learning and undertanding, as opposed to previously being scared of those voices and wanting to repress them.

'Goodbyes' or transitions – have always been triggering and emotive for me.  Asserting privacy – felt like an 'alien' thing to do.  Incredibly hard thing to do.

Blueberry mentioned the concept of JADE – don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain – so helpful.  Learning to be empowered.

I noticed in May 2018 that I felt as if I was responsible for other people's feelings – having been tuned into FOO and walking on eggshells for much of my childhood and adulthood.  Prey to their questions.  Feeling as if they want to know all about you... invade your soul...  How can I trust them, when I can't trust my own FOO' - but recognising that as a part of me that doesn't trust, and is from the past, and that maybe there are different ways to be.

Something SanMagic said about having boundaries run over without consent many times, and she mentioned the MidWest culture being one of 'justifying' and the British culture being one of 'explaining' - that made sense to me.  Deep Blue said to me 'Keep setting those boundaries' - and that was such an emotive feeling - I.e. someone CARES.

Sceal mentioned that 'everyone feels out of sorts and not okay when their boundaries have been stepped over or broken down.'  Sceal also helped me realise that my tendency to turn to a 'cup of tea' is helpful in terms of getting me out of a dissociative state and be able to process mixed feelings a little bit further.

Realisation: Boundaries are important, and cups of tea do help.

Parts communicate via 'images' 'thoughts' and 'glimpses of pictures'.

My partner commented in 2018 that my M&F had been 'incredibly toxic' and my partner thinks that I can't get in touch with my anger because they brain-washed and groomed me' - he literally used those words.  Re-reading that now, in 2022, close to 2023 – I realise that I have begun to feel some anger.   

In June 2018 I was thinking of my disorganised early attachment to my M – Carolyn Spring's course about attachment had helped me with this realisation.  I was also using Janina Fisher's suggestions of taking the exiled parts under my wing and caring for them.  I was in the middle of this kind of work, and my partner had said 'Are you re-traumatising yourself today?'  He doesn't tend to say that now (in 2022) because I think maybe seeing me getting more centred and stronger in myself – maybe that shows that these days when it's tougher and less stable, are worth it – to see through to being stronger.

I was writing in 2018 about having protector parts and 'eraser parts'  Also an 'in limbo' part.  Blueberry validated the 'in limbo part' for me – as she related to it.  Deep Blue had commented on the eraser part in terms of putting a 'motherly' protection on it – can't remember the exact words, but it was meaningful to hear that.

Noticed also that I felt never able to 'enjoy' accomplishing things – for a fear that something would go wrong.  I think Blueberry said something like 'part of you feels threatened by feeling' and I related strongly to that.

Realisation: Part of me DOES feel threatened by feeling.

Libby helped with sharing her thoughts that positivity followed by negative feelings was something she also related to.  She spoke of 'childhood conditioning, where everything we did or didn't do, was always absolutely wrong'

Something Blueberry said in July 2018 'If the answer isn't definitely 'Yes' then it's 'No' - she said it was a saying she'd picked up in Healing.  I found that so helpful and still do when considering decisions and decision making.  SanMagic sazid 'We really don't know how any person might react to something we say or do, all we can control is our intent, and if your intent is self-care, which is really important, then you need have no guilt over how she might choose to feel.'  SanMagic also said 'Go slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve' and said 'I would guess it could be difficult terrain at times'

I keep wanting to re-read properly the book by Mary Bratton 'Survivors of Childhood Abuse' - I mention it again here, as it is still something I'd like to do, but part of me is reluctant – and I can't locate where the book is just now – I think part of me hides it.

Sceal reminded me 'Reading fictional books is good! Perhaps you should pick one up more often than you do, to relieve your brain from all of the self-help books.  Entertainment and relaxing is just as an important stage of healing as doing therapy.'

Realisation: Allowing time, to process and rest, and also mix it up – enjoyable things, plus processing difficult things – do both.  Get the balance right.

Noticed that when I write something, I DON'T tend to feel anything, but when I read it back, THEN I feel things!

Sceal helped me with regard to night terrors, when she said 'Night terrors – Research show that it's mostly common not to remember night-terrors, except for perhaps the emotion itself.'

******

I had to take a break as re-reading my written notes brought up some strong emotions – hence I want to write these things, as they feel important.  I was re-reading notes taken from October 2018's journal, and Deep Blue was responding to some things I was saying about my Littles and when I'd tried to do some drawing, and had experienced difficulties with that. 

I noted these comments: 'needy littles lacked love' 'starved of it, so they need some to make up for that now.'  'Littles asking for love and attention now because they didn't get it back then.'

Deep Blue said 'YOu can reassure your Littles that if the drawing gets scary you can stop.'  SanMagic also commented that when she'd tried an inner child exercise that a lot of rebellion had come out, and it had felt non-relaxing.  She mentioned using non-conventional colours, like a blue carrot.  SanMagic said 'Some of your Littles are scared of what might happen if you break the silence so they get upset, even angry' (that really evokes emotion in me, even as I re-type it – so I believe that SanMagic has really pinpointed something meaningful there – thank you SanMagic!)

Deep Blue said this, and I find this SOOOO helpful too 'I think we all have chapters of our book that we don't need to read aloud.  You get to choose what you share with others.  You shouldn't feel guilty about it."

That was as far as I got in going over my 2018 notes in my journal here in the forum – I wrote hand-written notes about a month ago, and today I've just typed up the notes to put in my 2022 journal – hence I'm re-processing these things in this way, and I find that very helpful.  But the only thing is I feel 'behind' as I know I'm in 2022 now.   

That feeling of being 'behind' it's a theme that follows me through my life – it's like there's always something unfinished, undone, unprocessed, etc.  I guess that's the fragmented aspect of trauma.  So many fragments, so many perceptions from different fragmented parts, how to attempt to make anything whole – is it possible?

I'll just take this and paste it into my journal now.  Hope I can do that.  Hope people don't mind that I mentioned some names from the 2018 journal, but I felt that people's input was so helpful to me and wanted to write it as was said.

 :hug:

This is an amazing thing to do Hope. You have shown so much bravery in writing here and I'm inspired to think about doing something similar.  :grouphug:

It's a lot of work, time and emotions, to go over that time period.  :hug:

 :hug:

Hi Armee, Thank you, it's felt like a useful thing to do.   :hug:
Hi Not Alone, Yes, I think it is - more than I realised.   :hug:
Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much  :hug:

********
29th December 2022
I've been doing some sorting through of papers at home, and trying to tidy up and get more organised.  I think I did ok - things look a bit tidier and I found some things I needed.  So that was good.

I tried to do more re-processing of my journal from 2018, but have given up on it for now, as it causes my left eye to hurt quite a bit - like I've got some kind of ocular migraine going on - just the left eye.  I don't like it.  I also feel like I've got a sore throat now as well - so I'm wondering whether I should take a Covid test - or just see how I feel tomorrow.  Maybe I'll do that.  Wait till tomorrow.

I've noticed that I've had more critical parts of myself surfacing, and snapping a bit at my partner - he commented on it today - said I had been narky - actually I've just thought, does that mean he thinks I'm a narc?  Or narcissistic?  I sometimes fear that part of me has narcissistic traits, because that part does like to do things in a very perfectionistic way, and not make mistakes.  I was reading that Papa Coco said he can recognise narcissim very easily, and I fear that maybe he'll see it in me, and think I'm narcissistic - but I think maybe only a small part of me is.

I feel silly now - saying that.  I want to delete it - but I've promised myself not to delete thing I write, just let them be.

I found that I had a really emotional reaction when re-reading something that Deep Blue had said - in my journal in 2018 - she had said that if her little boy had an upset tummy then she would cuddle him and give him peppermint.  I found that such a loving and motherly thing to do, and I felt like it was really lovely that she was such a great mother to her son.  I felt the profound loss/lack of that kind of care for myself as a young child.  I didn't feel that love or care from my own M.

Suddenly I remember a dream I had a couple of nights ago, and I had somehow been asked to look after a young child whilst at a party (in the dream) and somehow the child was wrapped inappropriately in some kind of plastic kind of sack, and then the child couldn't breathe and I feared that she would die.  It was a scary and unsettling and upsetting dream in that respect.  I wondered whose child that was, and why they were featuring in my dream, and why I had taken on the role of trying to look after them.  I clearly didn't do a good job of looking after them, as they nearly died!

I really want to pop into other people's journals in the coming days, and catch up there - because I feel like I've been more self-absorbed this past few days - and trying to get through Christmas and things that I've been doing to prepare for that, and cope with that.  It's felt over-whelming sometimes, but it's been ok! 

I do however think about different people here in the forum, at different points in the day - and so I feel connected to forum people and feel supported by those connections. 

Hope  :)

Im so happy to see you writing first in your journal before going on to others' journals. I notice a lot of times you write a lot first in others journals and then don't get much to your own. And it makes me happy you are taking care of yourself first.

I had the same reaction to watching and reading things about narcissism. When I mentioned that to my T after he sent me a video on gaslighting I worried he really meant I was a gaslighting narcissist. He reassured me that I was not and anyone who thinks they may be a narcissist after watching a video like that definitely is not a narcissist. There is not a single thing you have ever said or done here that would make anyone think you even had a single narcissistic trait, let alone a narcissistic personality disorder. You are kind and gentle. The opposite of a narcissist. I'm sure your husband meant snarky or nippy or something like that.

Gentle hugs if you want them, Hope.  That's a lot to think about. I feel like he actually meant "Snarky"? I certainly can feel the sarcasm increasing when I get snappy and don't feel well. Just a thought.

The dream would have worried me, too. Is there an inner child that is feeling stifled or not allowed space? That imagery would have been scary to me too.

*shares warm blanket and favorite warm beverage*

Quote from: Armee on December 29, 2022, 07:50:02 PM
Im so happy to see you writing first in your journal before going on to others' journals. I notice a lot of times you write a lot first in others journals and then don't get much to your own. And it makes me happy you are taking care of yourself first.

:yeahthat:  :yes: :hug:

I'm responding to others' posts rn so as to avoid doing my own stuff, I admit.

'narky' is British English and means 'bad-tempered' or 'irritable'. I've just looked it up cuz I couldn't quite remember what it means. The usage of it will pre-date all this talk of 'narcs' outside the field of psychiatry, so your partner will definitely not mean that you are - or part of you is - a narc. He'll mean he's noticing you snapping at him a bit, the way you said you had been.
:hug: :grouphug: for you Hope

Hi Hope, I am glad to check in here today.
I appreciate you sharing the various things and various feelings, emotions, reactions.  I hope you find some rest in between all the ebbs and flows.

Hey Hope, hope you're feeling better since your last post!  I always have sickness sneak up on me during holiday breaks.

Your motherhood reflection comment really resonated with me - I find myself thinking quite a lot about how I was treated as a child and comparing that to my own kids (they're a few years older then when I was first PA'd) and I get quite angry - how anyone could choose to treat a child like that is beyond me.  It makes me appreciate other parents and focus on my own parenting as well.

Have a good new year!

 :hug:

 :grouphug: Thank you all for what you said.  The 'narky' term - I realise now it doesn't mean Narc - I think I was taking it too personally in a not good way at the time, probably due to being in an EF or something.  I did talk to my partner about it later in the same day, and it was really useful to talk about it with him.  He did confirm that I had been 'snappy' rather than anything else.  That was a relief!

This time of year is challenging, but I do feel some optimism for the year ahead, and I welcome 2023 - I will most likely start a new journal in the coming days - so this will most likely be my final entry in this particular journal, and I will start' Hope's Journal 2023 in the coming days. 

I know I shall come back to my old journals and re-process and re-read the things written here - and especially want to thank anyone who took the time to pop in here and write things - as I appreciate what is said by each and every person who does that.  Thank you   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hope  :)

Best wishes in the coming year.  I'm glad you were able to talk through the situation with your partner - communication is so important and also so difficult.  I am glad we are in community here together.

hoping the new year is all you want and need, hope, and that the momentum you have keeps carrying you thru.  love and hugs :hug:

Best wishes and even more hugs for the New Year!

Thank you so much  :hug: :hug: :hug:
About to start my new Journal for 2023, so ending this one today.
________________________________xxx______________________________

It's good to see you!  :) :hug: :grouphug:

Thanks Blueberry - good to see you too  :hug: :hug: