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RedJenty ... greetings to a place where you can unwind some of the tension, still have doubts, and still feel welcome and OK with yourself.

While that may make us sound uniform, it's hardly the case. Lots of personalities and experiences here; and some might big crashes too.

But know what? We've all somehow wandered back here, too; sometimes it's the last haven of sanity left, where it's even allowed to spit out those overwhelming sad, angry, and unbearable emotions. And -- wonder of wonders -- be understood!

I hope you feel a bit safer to have found this place. Lots of us have been where you're coming from --  Still traveling, hoping, resilient.

Thanks for posting this, Tofu+.

The site tends to stay away from declaring its wide-ranging topics as absolute truth. Rather, it's an interesting assortment veering towards  a range of topics such as different philosophies that speak more to discovery about possibilities instead of promising recovery from one's troubles (they're so individual).

Less prescriptive than many psychological sites tend to be, just make sure your brain is turned on, and as I read somewhere the other day, open your mind but don't let your brain fall out. In other words, discernment helps the ride with whatever rough spots remain or crop up along the journey. As de Botton explains his approach, it starts with accepting that our life isn't perfect, whichh makes it even more worthwhile to explore, be curious, and live from where your heart draws you.

Along this journey, to be able to find your way through to your own peace with awareness and grace has been impressive. Thank you for sharing, with raw frankness, the intensity of what you've gone through.

May you continue to find your way forward.

  

I sometimes have certain songs pop into my thoughts while reading, especially when it involves a strong emotional pull, as this poem has done for me, blue_sky. Thank you for sharing it.

I know it's risky as other people's musical tastes don't always match mine but this tune floated into mind while reading "Sea Waves". Here's the tune -- "Be Like the Sea":

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_--OEYPCLsg&ab_channel=CathieRyan-Topic

For all who've responded so thoughtfully to my post -- a huge Thank You.

Therapy can be tricky in its initial expectations. The results that matter the most are those of ordinary life -- acceptance by another, validation, and support for a fellow human, especially for those of us who've lost almost our entire being at times; those times when we feel close to the edge.

And it's never easy -- my T may be easy-going, but also recognizes how essential it's been for me to find my own way of handling the pain that was/is so prominent in my story. Especially early on, I almost pleaded with my T for an easy, expert answer. With whatever process we worked with, the only true outcomes were those that came from my own soul, my feelings, often based on strengths she saw in me that I didn't.

That's probably more than enough of my rambles  .  I'm just grateful for your responses and hope it may have allowed others some perspective as they navigate the rough seas of our frantic search for a life worth living. 

Hi, Flitzi, you raise some intriguing thoughts about this. This won't be the most thorough answer possible, as one's character can have hundreds of variables, based on lots of disparate events, personalities, etc.

For me, I found myself for years not being able to find anything I liked about the symptoms and habits that grew out of my own bouts with cptsd. That's still there; but I've also noticed a milder attitude settling in about the overall picture too.

While I can never truly feel good about all of what constitutes my tortuous ride with cptsd, I think an apt description for how I view those times involves a 'bittersweet' take on it all.

Yes, it was truly awful, and I'm extremely bitter about it as well. Like you, I find it difficult to fully trust anyone. But I think I'm better at balancing the bitter with some milder takes, too. Growing up surrounded by extremist religious sorts who hid their vile lives behind a screen of sanctity -- yeah, it hurt deeply; AND provided me with a front row seat by which to learn first-hand (not comfortably) about bigotry, hatred, and rank hypocrisy (e.g. we 'love' you as we beat your sinfulness).

The bitter is easy; the sweet comes in learning how they slyly would dump their base view of life on others, and get away with it by calling themselves 'holy'. One advantage for me? Discernment -- I'm not only wary of but find it easier to spot those sorts of people, and not just in religious settings.

Okay, so yes, one's character is gravely affected by much of the cptsd stuff, but if one can catch their breath a wee bit of the sweet just might filter in and turn one's life towards the bittersweet.

Hi, Hope ...

I also know that feeling you're describing. If there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's stooping to violent means of expression. But this emotional/imaginary reaction can happen, and when it does, the after effect feels good. The actual triggering trauma still lies behind the present pain, but the release from allowing one's mind to unleash what was fearfully hiden while not actually harming another does wonders for one's soul.

So Congrats, and thanks for sharing the power of present mind over old wounds. In one sense, they may finally feel more distant, as they should.

What's the best thing you've ever heard from your therapist? It can be about anything, technically; but I'm curious to know how it might have affected you personally.


For myself, at the very first session, by way of introducing her approach, my T  explained: "I don't do therapy. That's what you're [me] doing. I'm here to help you accomplish that as best as I can." I was very relieved to hear it put that way, as I'd burned through several T's who had an agenda or a set methodology with no acceptable variations from their 'program'.

Finding my present T was the first time I'd been invited, allowed, and encouraged to just be myself, and not feel like a round peg being pounded into a square hole. Having survived so many years of trauma, it was ironic that, until finding her, I'd also had to survive so many therapists with whom I couldn't relate.

During a later session she noted: "The best thing about you [me] is that you're authentic." As she explained, upon hearing of my background in acting (and other experiences), she'd first wondered if maybe I was schizophrenic. It became apparent, she explained, how the acting had been one of my outlets away from my old story of  shame and victimhood.

Through the acting I was able to get outside my 'orphan' status and feel free to express myself from another angle. And find something there, and she noted that this played a huge part in my 'coming out' process. And how, in my offstage life I became less afraid to just be myself or, as she put it: "you were working your way to being the authentic person I've come to know. Yet still struggling mightily with the mess you felt trapped from your old story." That validating attitude has made a huge difference despite, as she noted, all the leftover sludge from before. Yes, it still can seem to hurt me, but through the therapeutic interchenge I've noticed I have other options.

 With so much grief and hurt held inside for so long, I realized I'd found a friend/T who could allow my whole BEING as valid and worthwhile;  to begin feeling some deep healing, beginning with fully accepting the deepest parts of my being to finally emerge into the light on trails leading away from my past.  Never as easy or sure as that sounds, but at least I felt encouraged by her caring expertise.

She's also keen to recognize my habit of turning against myself. I recall once when I had to admit that something she had said I must have missed, slipping into dissociation. She was quick to respond that dissociation wasn't a fault, it was quite normal for abuse survivors, and I needn't apologize or feel ashame for. This was new for me, to have this recognition of how I was really doing okay, and not to feel  guilty about these sorts of symptoms. The many other therapists were never this compassionate, could even be very judgemental, as if having symptoms was breaking the rules. Huh?

TRIGGER WARNING NEXT 4 PARAGRAPH

*During the early times of our time together, she deftly handled a deep suicidal ideation that was part of my funk. My plans were there, and I felt like I could tumble the whole way without a lot of prompting; everything had bubbled up to the point of no return.

**Without panic, she chalenged me to give life a chance. Then one day, I slipped a mostly burnt candle into my gear and arrived for therapy ready for some clarity to somehow surface. From her, from me, I didn't really know how the resolution might occur. During the session, I kept grasping the candle stub in my pocket.

***I'll spare you the details, but by session's end, I drew the candle out and requested that we light it there, and I felt drawn to pledge to hold off on any plans for a while (this became a long-term commitment a few sessions later).

****As a folklorist of sorts, later on a further metaphorical 'candle' was lit when I realized that the date of that session -- December 13 (former Solstice date) -- was the long-established observation of St. Lucia's Day in Sweden and elsewhere. The legend tells the tale of how on that day Sancta Lucia, a refugee fleeing persecution and death, shared the light with others. That the therapy session which 'saved' me happened on that day (without prior knowledge; just a feeling to bring a candle) struck me as more than a trivial coincidence.

*****END OF TRIGGER WARNING

There's been many other things she's said, and she's also allowed me to say, that has nourished my journey into this new story. I'm wondering if some others on this forum might also have found something their T has shared about or with you that has created a similar sense of well-being during your up and down struggles to make peace with the leftovers of cptsd's impact on your life.

Thanks for wading through this rather lengthy post. And if you're so inclined, perhaps there's something per your therapist experience -- pro or con -- you might deem worthy of sharing.

Thanks for reading.

These little twists, turns, and even major surprises has often evolved from depths of anger and despair, for instance, to more acceptance (NOT at all the same as approval). Finally removed from so much of the deep sadness I felt trapped by, I've been able to discern navigating my own way out. It can be very slow, but it happens; all of a sudden one's outlook shifts, if one can stay open to its possibility (very hard but worth it).

While I'd never wish any of the things that occurred on anyone, I can see now how I've been able to build bridges to find more comfort for myself. As they say, it's still a work in progress, yet I've often been pleasantly surprised when I realize how far along I've come. Indeed, surprise has been a great teacher for me on this journey, aided by an enormous sense of humour which has been mentioned in a few posts on OOTS recently.

  I've been riding the humour bandwagon ever since I realized that it helped me survive most of the times. I also learned I had to keep it secret from the abusive, grim environment of my youth. Humour was also huge later in life, when I landed in an employment situation with a world-class narcissist.


Much of this fits with a quote I ran across recently from American philosopher/psychologist William James, who lived at the end of the 19th century. He noted that "...the ultimate common sense is a sense of humor."

 

Your title -- "Lost Child" -- really says it perfectly, as does the other points reflected in your heartfelt words.

Yes, there are ups and downs, and lots of platitudes along the way. Yet none of that seems to work, other than in brief nudges maybe. The original wounds never seem to wholly disappear, but some of us are able to find some openings in our broken hearts, too. That it can take so long -- yeah, frustrating.

I'm babbling away now, a sad trait I easily fall into (prob a remnant of all the decades when no one listened, understood, or even wanted to. Thank you for bringing it all back to that strong heart you displayed for us all in this beautiful poem.

 

Good deal, Blueberry!     

I strongly resonated with what you've expressed here. As a practical matter, I somehow discovered that I could (secretly, of course) treat the people (FOO, teachers, clergy) with the buffoons they portrayed on a daily basis.

That inner humour may not have eased entirely the decades of pain and angst from my experiences with them, but I'm so grateful I somehow/someway always found even the tiniest shreds of laughter, even as I had to hide it from them. BUT it was probably the best item in my survival tookit and I feel it was almost the only way I found make sense out of nonsense.

It helped me to accept that, however and why these things ever happened, I and they were riding on the wrong bus. Some of this was extreme -- it was only recently, for instance, that I remembered something about the m that brought an outburst of hilarity on my part. She was the last and only one I could never find anything even vaguely resembling humour, but whatever it was it happened and, as you noted, it felt good to feel that laughter finally emerge.

On the one hand, none of what those folks were about merits humour, as it never made any sense either. It wasn't really funny, but was and is, totally absurd. It was then, and still is. Ah, but absurdity is one of the pillars of honest humour. It can save, if nothing else does. It's also one of the best surprises one can discover for surving. 

Hiya, BeHealthy/Lakelynn.

I fall into the 'vintage' (geezer?) category as well. Though my contributions have tailed off dramatically, I still maintain perusing what's going on with OOTS.

Long story short, I've been blending all that I learned here with ongoing 'formal' therapy and lots of 'Bibliotherapy' (extensive reading). The short story is that I've landed in a different place, starting with a good dose of attitudinal healing.

Except this isn't the place for the long story, so I'll just exit and wish you all the best as you trek back into the wilderness known as OOTS.

 

I go way back on this forum, and originally there were just a tiny handful of journals on here. I had one for a while but I've always had other (paper, then via 'files' kept on PC; quite voluminous, btw). My own prob with an online journal is just the many nuances and special circumstances which might require tedious explanations per the 'why' of some things, esp. events that are very individual.

I've only discussed the presence of the forum to a couple of people (I only know a couple anyway). To my own surprise, little details of my rather unique background could, and did, leak on here whether in the short-lived journal or just in the back-and-forth commentaries of a variety of posts. I'm very careful with info anyway, as I've never gotten away from trust issues with anybody. EXCEPT on here, where the participants have also 'walked the talk', as it were.

I can certainly understand the privacy option, but I also feel it rather defeats the idea of the forum itself. At first I was hesitant to even look others' journals -- it almost felt like prying into someone else's affairs. The counter to that, though, is that the site-forum also exists as a learning platform, from which participating members can and do share and learn from even the unique twists some other people courageously choose to open up about.

Remember, the key seems to involve being coy about one's precise location, as much as possible. It's also why we've all chosen unique idendities for this member's forum. The general public, per my understanding, cannot access anyone's material without 1)becoming a member themselves and 2)knowing your moniker as well. So there's at least that safeguard in place.

Interestingly, at the start the journals were few and far between, and even came with a hint in the guidelines that there may not even be much commentary. As was also noted, even if one was careful, their viewpoints were still evident via the journals content and other items posted by any one of us.

I had the good fortune to literally get away from the early people (FOO and their crowd), albeit I ran into bothersome sorts all along this scary ride called cptsd. Always careful, mind you, but also more and more willing to open up about some of the good things, too. Mine is a story with deep pain, but after many years of therapy as well as this site/forum, I've found the trek less perilous. Finding the 'right' sort of people that seem trustworthy, such as those of you reading this essay -- sorry, I meant to keep it brief but when the words start flowing, ya know what can happen.

One other minor detail per the journals -- as a bit of an information-seeker, there often are nuggets of info (books, conferences, articles, etc) which people include in their journals which I've often found very helpful. There are other categories in which these can be shared, but sometimes they only appear in someone's journal,

These are just a few observations (stop me while you can!) of a vet at perusing this site/forum's incredibly rich materials. The public/private issue here is paramount, though, and I can see the hazards that come with it.

                   

Sometimes we're gung-ho about the next step; then the next step seems to recede further into just a distant mirage. We can't believe we're really good enough, that really venturing forth is only another dream, and we don't deserve the full ride to the new life. Those old stories of unworthiness are hard to eradicate.

So I feel that the key might be self-acceptance, as in accepting ALL of what you've been through, but also realizing that you're not just capable, but presently on the new path, even if you can't discern a grand reason for your change. Sometimes it just flows. Over-thinking it all can also keep us tethered to the old story, forever waiting for the magic leap forward. That might indeed show up, but probably not on a grand explosive moment; but the self-acceptance might help more than it seems it should, as we're not used to that.

These are only thoughts that floated through as I read your post. None of this construes actual advice, but is just a gut reaction which I hope can find some resonance with your freah outlook into the new space which has opened for you (and which you have created).