Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Great to hear that you're figuring out your priorities at the moment, and that you're considering having some more furry little creatures at some point in the future. 
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and also wish you the best for the weekend.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope for commenting  Idea of more furry little creatures makes me smile. I wish you the best for the weekend too. I hope it's not tough on you? 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,

Thanks - and I'm taking it a day at a time - it's not too bad. 
Glad I made you smile - that is quite funny, as I was just writing about you in my diary, and I commented that something you'd said previously had made me smile - so that seems quite synchronicitous (if that word exists).



Hope 

[sanmagic7]

more furries in your life?  possibly?  wow, blueberry. 

that therapeutic singing you mentioned sounds really interesting - fascinating, actually.  and intriguing how it can evolve into self-confidence re: other places to sing.  very cool.

lovin' it, lovin' you.  how's the move going?

[Blueberry]

There's a lot going on internally atm for me. That doesn't translate into active 'external' work that much. In fact, I often get up, switch off alarm and go back to bed. Well, I've been doing that for a few days anyway.

And there's a loooong list of things I, ahem, ought to be doing. Except that 'ought to' and 'should' don't tend to do me much good. Maybe accept that things will start to flow again quite soon but atm I need to lie low a bit and / or do only that for which I feel a definite pull?

Today in church I was singing away, but it wasn't choir. I was just part of the congregation. Probably I was singing out of tune some of the time, but it did me good. I do feel a kind of tug to keep going singing when I notice how much good it does me. But I also know how hard staying motivated and keeping going is for me. Not just doing my singing exercises (which I hardly ever do) but much more mundane things like getting out of bed every morning, washing my hair regularly, keeping my apartment semi-clean and tidy, therapy exercises (whether talking to ICs, doing EFT, or a whole lot of other stuff), and atm regular appointments like choir practice.  Things get to be too much so fast.

[sanmagic7]

you know, yes, they can get to be too much too fast.  if you've got all those possibilities running around your head, maybe it tires you out, wears you out just thinking about it.  i know that's happened to me.   i think it's ok to take your time with all these things cuz i believe when you're ready, you'll just begin doing them.

love and a big hug, blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks san, you're right! I often do start doing when I'm ready. I did finally have a shower and wash my hair. Even that was kind of an effort, but I broke it down into: just a shower and hair wash. Can put all the same clothes back on if I want. i.e. don't have to figure out what to wear for evening church service before I have my shower. That worked. Half clean clothes, half clothes from earlier today/yesterday.

[Blueberry]

I came out of the Easter Night church service partially elated because of the singing and partially with bits of 'aha!' going on.

As I was singing and not feeling too, too self-conscious, B1 dropped by in my thoughts or memories or somewhere. He's dropping by so much atm with my memories of his contemptuous comments and gesturing both about and to me. Not just gesturing either, some of it was a bit more hands-on e.g. slap across the face, minor PA.

In some ways the memories are becoming less overpowering. They drop by but I still manage to keep going what I'm doing and don't feel all that visceral shame and humiliation etc. At least not all the time.

I remember being asked by both parents separately why I listened to them and why I listened to B1 if I knew the things they said weren't true.  What a question. One of the occasions I did send a question straight back "Why did you say it so often if you didn't want me to listen??" And why did I listen in the case of B1? Because my parents didn't give me any kind of alternative to believe. They didn't show me anything different. he probably spoke what they thought out loud, or what he thought they thought and since they rarely corrected the 'narration', well, it was eventually too difficult for me to believe anything else. And also he had a particular kind of power and status in the family. Neither of my parents were in 'boss' role all the time. Sometimes B1 was the powers-that-be.

B1 has an awful lot to answer for. He did apologise twice in living memory but the times he did I myself had no idea of the extent of the damage. That's only coming clear now. That's part of the 'aha'. I knew that stuff from my parents, esp. M,  contributed to my self-consciousness in singing and basically any facial expressions, but I can't remember realising until today how huge B1's role was too. I'm not sure he realises it either. In fact I'm sure he doesn't.

My parents have never apologised for anything. Occasionally they've said something like "Did we do that?" or "Really, we said that so precisely??" (e.g. the precise maximum weight I should have) and then even looked somewhat guilty / abashed, but there's never been an apology from them or open recognition of what they put me through and how destructive it's been for me, my whole life, my whole career, my whole existence, my whole person. I'm not actually expecting it anymore. But 'just saying'.

[DecimalRocket]

It's really something terrible when you're the one who's blamed. Growing up much of the things I did was blamed on me too. No wonder many of us end up blaming ourselves all the time, or thinking we're crazy. I don't fully understand how anyone can be so lacking of self awareness all this time, but I trust that you are, Berry.

Just glad those memories' pain is lifting. I hope singing could help you heal, and I hope things would continue to work out for you too. I remember how you found it ironic that you enjoy singing in a Church even when you're not religious. I'm no longer Christian even though I grew up as one, but I still found those religious hymns pleasant and wonderful to hear. They pour their being and souls into these music, and I admire that about them.

Well take care. 

[Blueberry]

I went to church this morning too. Another long service but good. I remember now, I often spend much of Easter weekend in church because it does me good! Sometimes M breezed through. It was OK. I know she will be in church sometime this morning too. It's OK thinking about that. I'm not reaching out IRL but maybe via God or something. Which just means spiritually. No, I realise as I write. Not the same. Via God is different. God works as a buffer. Somebody to keep me safe, somebody to provide healing energy, light over the whole situation, but particularly a buffer between me and M, a protective energy.

"Spiritually" would be direct between our souls and it's way, way, way too early for that. Never say never, but still it's unlikely to ever happen that way - directly between our souls.

Going to church is something good I got from M. The way she introduced me wasn't especially good, the way she lived it was really not that inspiring, but it's fairly likely I wouldn't have reached out and tried a few churches as an adult if I hadn't been Christened and introduced to the general concept as a child.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your words DR and I'm sorry you were blamed so much too. 

I like Berry as a nickname 

I don't fully understand how anyone can be so lacking of self awareness all this time, but I trust that you are, Berry.

Do you mean here my FOO lacking self-awareness or me? I guess you mean me. It's hard to be aware of your 'real self' if it's never been shown to you, never been reflected back to you. Long ago in my healing process, two different men on different occasions hoped I'd meet the man who could show me who I am (this reflecting back, 'mirroring'), but I never have because that's too difficult for me. Relationships and stuff - that's an area I stay out of for reasons of self-protection. (These men - their wishes for me weren't wrong, they were fellow patients in inpatient treatment, it was good they didn't say "Let's get together, I'll heal you / we'll heal each other" but instead they spoke about a possibility for the future, but I'm not there yet.)   

It's maybe hard to be aware if you seem to have several selves. Ask me my opinion and sometimes I'll have several. The Adult in me thinks one thing and then various Inner Children and inner Teens ahve different ideas. sometimes they're closer to the mark than my Adult.

My Inn.Cr. might be very much at work behind the scenes on my self-awareness so that makes awareness of 'real self' difficult too. Am I seeing myself through my new, somewhat healed eyes?? Or through FOO eyes?

[Blueberry]

more furries in your life?  possibly?  wow, blueberry. 

Today during church service I had an image of a dead Little Furry. My last Little Furry who died. Atm I still can't bear the thought of another Little Furry dying. I have a lot of problem with death. My type of little furry lives about 6-8 years. It has been suggested I progress to Furries that live longer, but no, I'd want my type of little furry again. Possibly something in me still needs to heal? Maybe some pain?

In church today we got an Easter message on a piece of paper to take home. Some of that is about death, overcoming death, resurrection and other things I can't translate rn. The words are missing in my brain. I know them, but they've gone AWOL. I do believe my Little Furries go to some kind of heaven too. Why wouldn't they? But it's a terrible wrenching kind of pain for me when they leave this earth.

Added to that, often the feeling that I failed somehow. There are other people who take better care of their Little Furries. My care isn't bad but sometimes I don't quite live up to the expectations especially the weekly checkup. So then I feel bad if I don't notice something. But part of this wrenching pain is about not being able to save my Little Furries. Even the woman from the Little Furry rescue society didn't think I could have done anything more or better to save last little furry. But this cognitive stuff, it still doesn't really help.

These are useful realisations.

[Blueberry]

I've been reading my posts of the past week or so to write out the salient points and take to T tomorrow.  There's so much going on internally   for me.

[Blueberry]

i'm really tired, that's all I can say. I'm moving forward, asking questions, researching, getting on with things. But tired, oh so tired. 

[Blueberry]

I'm sooooo tired, again. I'm waiting for a client otherwise I'd be  in bed already.

It's certainly time for some self-care in the form of adequate sleep.