Hello Everyone (short intro - *trigger warning*)

[glumrice]

Hi All - 26 yo female from California here (I included a trigger warning in the subject for descriptions of intense emotions/trauma, so please stop here if you're in a bad place and don't want to read something that might trigger you.)

It is really nice to come to this forum after going through a traumatic relationship with my ex boyfriend and having nowhere to turn to, feeling crazy and like I was crazy to leave him, but leave him I did, and it was the best decision for my sanity and my mental health. While we barely dated a year, he began showing extreme signs of both some form of personality disorder and also C-PTSD. We are in our 20s (me 26 and him 23) and we met while in grad school and at first, he seemed like the most charming, intellectually brilliant, caring and sensitive individual, someone who felt like my 'soulmate'. I was attracted to him because he was an extraordinary individual who was doing admirable things for the campus community and seemed well-intentioned in our growing friendship/relationship. We became serious quickly, (almost too quickly), and towards the middle and tail-end of our time together, he had slowly revealed himself to be incredibly immature, emotionally underdeveloped, and selfish with undercurrents of narcissism and sense of entitlement. It was like I was dating a facade or false identity the entire time -- an empty shell that had no stable sense of identity or core values. Looking back, it wasn't 'soulmate' vibes I was getting from him; he was merely mirroring my actions, my personality, my values, and my interests to get the love the only way he knew how, because he was an empty black hole who never felt worthy enough of anyone's love and could not accept or recognize how much I had loved him at the time. It makes sense because he came from an abusive childhood, had been bullied when he was young, and I was totally swept away by his other stories/narratives about his difficult upbringing and particularly his negative relationship history (with two previous exes, who were both painted black, which should have also been a warning sign that something was not right). Yes, maybe it's true he went through those horrible things, but it never justified him using those things as a weapon against me and my family members, nor as an excuse for him to feel helpless and victimized all the time. He would dump all of his stress and anxiety and problems onto me and I became so traumatized that I no longer knew what was good and what was bad for me; I couldn't say what was on my mind and we were all walking on eggshells because he was so emotionally frail and every single thing we did was like stepping in a minefield -- my family and therapist saw it early on and they were the ones to finally help me make the decision to cut things off for good.

We devolved quickly into a mother/therapist/parent-child dynamic, and I was almost drained dry by his emotional antics, his panic attacks, physical collapses (along with real & imagined ailments like asthma, allergies, breathing problems, headaches, stomachaches from binge-eating, always feeling like we were attacking him when we were only trying to help, and everything in between), and eventually it became suicide/self-harm threats where he would throw things across the room and lie on the bed for hours at a time (a pattern which curiously seemed to correspond perfectly with the times that I disagreed with or tried to stand up to his lavish spending habits or impulsive lifestyle -- by graduation, he would have been over $200k in student loan debt, yet he had set his monthly expenses at $5,000 because he 'needed' the vacations, various forms of entertainment and other unhealthy/band-aid methods of coping with stress, and in case of 'emergencies' -- this contradictory lifestyle in itself was enough for me to finally rip the bandaid off and stop my trainwreck of self-delusion). I should not have dumped all that time and energy into his fits and tantrums, and I feel like so much of it was wasted on deaf ears because he wouldn't seek help when I suggested it, and he seemed dead-set on stewing in his own mess until he brought all of us down with him. Any sane woman with any sense of boundaries would have run away in an instant. Yet I still hung on for that long. All in all, it was one of the most emotionally abusive and emotionally draining time of my life, my boundaries and self-worth were worn down to the bone, and the worst part was that after physically removing myself from that situation and gaining some perspective, I realized how most of the time, he was not even conscious/aware of just how much his behavior had negatively affected my life, how much his 'acting out' and anxiety/depression had traumatized me to the point that I had to delay my own graduation, triggered my own relapse into depression, and also negatively impacted the lives of the people I loved. The crisis which ultimately prompted our separation was basically a situation where he had sent me messages that he was threatening his own life, he told me he could not function or go on anymore (he was parked in his car on a random street near our university), and I was forced to call a trusted family doctor/therapist to help guide me out of the situation and to get him the mental help he needed with a different therapist. Thankfully he is now in serious therapy since then, has and he has recognized what he did to me through feedback from his therapist and claims he is doing the hard work of taking responsibility and accountability for his actions. I see my own therapist/family doctor nowadays, and she has been really great at shielding me from him and his family when they keep trying to probe into my life -- I actually referred him to his current therapist, whom I saw many years ago but could not continue seeing due to obstacles in my medical insurance, and he has also validated my current situation and decision to separate from my ex boyfriend. I'm very glad he is in good hands since many of our other close friends also see this doctor.

It has been nearly a month since I officially broke things off with him and I have almost gotten to a semblance of peace where I recognize how much harm he had brought to my life and know that this is not what I want in a life partner; I am now at a place where I know I need to be on my own for a while to heal from the emotional trauma, to regain my center and become stronger, and focus on my academics and getting my degree. It was so hard to even initiate 'no contact' with him, between my several attempts to break things off with him, my own confused mental state (FOG), his sincere apologies and expressions of remorse (which I couldn't even trust anymore) -- it felt like I was a drug addict going through withdrawals (the extreme highs and lows of our relationship had hijacked my brain into thinking I still needed him to be happy and it was a constant fight within myself to stick by my decision to break up and enforce physical/mental boundaries to protect myself). But with the help and perspective of my own therapist, I gradually gathered the strength of will to stop obsessing over him (even shortly after breaking up with him, I would still keep up with his social media/calendar activities) and to delete him from various avenues of communication to help the healing process -- for the longest time my heart and mind had been convinced that I was only 'checking up' on him because I cared deeply for him (and still do, to some extent). I even decided to block his mother (who I now realize was equally as immature, entitled, and selfish as him - she kept trying to text me with excuses for her son's behavior and kept trying to suck me back in with declarations of 'he has changed' and 'you will never find another *true love* like him' -- which were clearly desperate attempts at trying to maneuver me back into his life. Thank goodness my rational brain called B.S. on this and saw through those manipulative words before my kindhearted side could melt my resolve).

The issue I'm facing is that while he has gained some clarity over his actions and their devastating consequences to my life, he recently sent me an e-mail in response to the break-up letter I sent to him many weeks ago. In it, he repeats the same apologies and goes on about how hurt and pained he is that the relationship had to suffer and be destroyed because of his actions, how it could have been saved if we went to therapy earlier (I doubt so) and how sorry he is to have caused such fear and terror in my life. He kept insisting on wanting to meet with me and my therapist to "understand how my actions have hurt you" and the part that REALLY got my blood boiling and made me want to break something or tear my hair out (like...did he learn NOTHING from this whole crisis!?) was an unabashed INVITATION to my mother and I to attend his Master's thesis presentation and graduation ceremony in June because (wait for it) we played such an "important role" in helping him succeed. It was the most slap-in-the-face, unbelievable request I had ever seen and knowing his nice-guy charms, it's also one of the boldest moves I've seen anyone pull. The nerve of it all, to first of all send an e-mail (breaking my request for no-contact), secondly to ask that I go physically to attend HIS graduation ceremony (whereas I am unable to attend my own), and thirdly to expose myself to the trauma of seeing him in person all over again so that I could get triggered & undo all of the healing I had finally achieved in the time I spent away from him. Just the other day, I was walking around the university village near his apartment to go have lunch with some friends, and automatically, being in that familiar environment sent chills up my body - he and I used to walk up and down the street after late night dinners, and I felt like a hunted animal about to meet a predator at any turn and street corner -- I felt I would jump out of my skin and freak out if I accidentally bumped into him -- and have been having nightmares and poor sleep for every night of the month since I broke up with him. Seeing that message, I didn't know whether to be angry or sad or both. I felt weak all over again, like I SHOULD say yes to seeing him and my therapist, say yes to letting him back in my life, say yes to celebrating *his* graduation, and say yes and completely DENY all the progress I have made thus far in my own healing process. It's like the trauma never stops and my wound keeps getting opened and salt poured in. I should never have opened that e-mail, and felt frustrated that something this small could derail the rest of my day. Right after reading that e-mail I broke down crying and could not go on doing my work.

I took a break from writing this post to go for a swim and feel more clear-minded than ever. I should put my wants, my self-care, my priorities, and my happiness first. He's an honest guy, he was never a bad person (as my therapist continues to affirm to me), and I'm glad I found out about this incompatibility sooner rather than later down the line, but he is also very sick and the only way he can ever recover and become more mature is to do it on his own. I cannot be in his life even if I wanted to, because then he'll just have something to hang onto and become dependent on again. He's grabbing at straws, it pains me to know his messages are sincere, I want to believe in the good of people, but I have to do what's best for me and this e-mail was just more evidence of just how entitled he feels -- to have us at his graduation will only help HIM feel better about what happened (perhaps even go through some grand gesture of apologizing and embarrassing me in front of the whole crowd of people), and I'll just be left in pieces until I can put myself back together for the next couple of weeks. The one thing I'm grateful for is how much this experience taught me about becoming stronger, more mature, and being able to recognize that there are people like him out there, and to be cautious at the next time. What's best for me right now--permanent separation--is also what's best for him. He's a smart guy - I hope he'll understand and finally realize after a while to stop trying.

I guess I've already answered my own question here, and I'm just trying to reaffirm to myself that I made the right decision (I'm learning to listen to my gut and my heart knows deep down what he is trying to do, even if he is not himself aware of how hurtful his actions continue to be)... and I should simply not respond nor react.

Thanks for listening and glad there are supports like this out there...

[California Dreaming]

Welcome glumrise You mention seeing a therapist, but it is unclear whether you are suffering from CPTSD. You mention that your ex-boyfriend may suffer from it, but I didn't see where you mentioned it with regard to yourself. Have you been diagnosed with CPTSD?

[Blueberry]

Welcome glumrice!

This forum is primarily for people who themselves have CPTSD. Sometimes people post in order to better understand or help a family member or friend with CPTSD. I'm not really getting that from your post, but I did only skim-read in order not to be triggered.

Our sister forum Out Of The Fog http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0 might be more what you're looking for. It's for people whose family members, friends, colleagues etc have personality disorders and who are working on relationships with them or going various forms of Low or No Contact.

Many of us here on Out Of The Storm grew up in families where somebody had a personality disorder but our needs in healing are a bit different, that's why there's a separate forum. 

Quite a few members on here have trouble reading long texts. Especially when you are a completely new member, you may find less people answer your post when it's really long, especially with a TW at the top. Also if members here don't resonate with your experiences because they're not typical CPTSD, then you might not get many responses either.

Blueberry