Hi everyone - TW just in case

[Neko]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, hoping to find people with similar experiences who i can relate to. I am sweating profusely as I write this as even just writing about it brings alot of anxiety.
My first "trauma" began at about 4 when my country fell into war - leaving was quite difficult and most of our family stayed behind. I saw and experienced things no child, or even person, should experience. This whole experience left me with an innate fear of violence and abandonment. This was only made worse by the fact that this trauma was never addressed - to the point that my mother would tell me that my nightmares (flashbacks) were just that, nightmares. It was only when I was in my teens that she acknowledged that these thibgs i was remembering were real.
Fast forward a few years, we moved to a new country and my mom re-married. My original trauma was then compounded by years of sexual abuse at the hands of this man. Whenever I, as a child, reached out for help - i was turned away. I told my mom (as a child) - she told me she could leave him and we could go back to having nothing if thats what I wanted. The morning he tried forcing himself inside me, i told me sister - she happily ate the Mcdonalds breakfast he said was a treat because I "had been such a good girl". I asked my doctor for a therapist, she told me to look in the phone book. I asked a councelor for help - she told me to just move in with my dad.
I have recently stopped all contact with him (my mom is still married to him) as a mother of three in my thirties I just had my first girl- and this brought up all kinds of different feelings.
Generally I feel like I have done alot of good work to get my past my trauma and not put it on my kids. But i still have so many days where i just feel so sad, so hopeless, so alone - even though I am not - I love my partner and my children - without them I would be completely lost. Hoping that I have finally found people who can understand me through similar experiences. Thank you for reading.

[Cascade]

Hi Neko,
Welcome!  I'm so glad you found us.  Thanks for joining and going through the anxiety of creating such a heartfelt introduction.  It sounds like you have, indeed, already made so much progress to grow into a responsible and loving adult after such horrible experiences.

TW (sexual abuse)
I'll share that the "treat" my own father gave me was driving me to Krispy Kreme early one morning when it was still dark.  I was about 5 years old.  Sitting in the car before we went inside, he taught me to give him oral sex.  Then he went inside and got a dozen doughnuts, which sat on my lap the whole ride home.  All I wanted to do was throw them out the window.

I hear your pain and look forward to healing together,
   -Cascade

[Papa Coco]

Neko

Welcome to the forum. I respect the anxiety you felt while writing your introduction. From what you've disclosed I think you have every right to be anxious and sweating as you write. My heart absolutely goes out to you for all you've seen and been through, and I am very impressed by your resilience and the courage and strength it has taken so far to keep moving forward, and to open up and share what you've shared. Remember, that courage is not the absence of fear, but the determination to continue on during the fear.

I have great respect for you just from what you've shared here today.

I'm also happy to hear that you have a partner and children who make you feel loved and safe today.

This forum has proven to me to be a place filled with kindness and empathy. Nobody here has had it easy, so we all give each other the respect we each deserve as we each share what we feel comfortable sharing. The days of being told to just be quiet and deal with it are gone here. We welcome people who have stories to tell. We believe each other.

I'm very glad you found your way here.

Welcome!!!!

[Little2Nothing]

Welcome, Neko. I am truly sorry for the bad things that happened in your life. You are among friends here. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Niko.  You are among friends here and we do understand so post away when you feel comfortable doing so.