Desperately Need Help

[BrokenMind]

I have been struggling most of my life, I am now 33 and I just came out of an 11 year relationship that was pretty toxic, and abusive. Throughout my life I have found myself in abusive relationships starting in childhood with my parents as the black sheep, through to my best friend at 17 who's dad drugged me, and then finally my ex wife who was very abusive.

I am having all kinds of problems and have been now for a total of around 3 - 4 years. These includes agoraphobia, emotional flash backs, panic attacks, extreme anxiety, hot energy within my body which makes me anxious and almost sends me into a panic attack, it probably is one. I also have delusional thoughts about the world, a fear of evil things and *. Inside my mind I am completely lost, it's a constant dialogue of negativity which not only effects my mind, but has a huge effect on my body, a simple bad dark thought can trigger huge amounts of anxiety, adrenalin and cortisol which plague through my system like a vicious beating.

I am very lost at the moment. I am completely overwhelmed with how to handle this, and even the smallest thing can trigger me. I watched a film recently that contained some new age bits in there and before I knew it I was running to the bathroom with floods of adrenalin and panic. My body and my mind is on constant alert 24 hours a day in a state of fight or flight, and getting my head into the real world forgetting my thoughts and my problems is something that happens for a very short amount of time each day. I am not completely unable to handle stress, I used to be able to work 18 hour days on my business without blinking and my drive and determination got me through, however I find it hard to even concentrate for an hour now, let alone coming to the realisation that as each day passes I am completely struggling to cope, and I find the only thing I look forward to is bed time so I can sleep and escape the pain and torture that lies within me, pulling me down and beating me every minute of every day.

I don't believe in pharmaceutical drugs at all, and I refuse to take them. I know when I don't feel anxious I am a warm caring person with a huge heart and a great sense of humour and I like to try and make people happy when I interact with them, but I am guilty of being a people pleaser and being hugely sensitive not only to the energy people give off but also to the interactions I have with people on any given day. Even a parcel delivery from a rude or obnoxious person can set me back for hours to a point where I feel I almost adopt and take the persons pain and problems on to my self.

This is the first time I have joined a forum, and I have tried numerous things over the years without joy such as therapy, hypnosis, and probably the one thing that has given me any relief currently is EFT. I just want to feel better, the very rare days when I just feel "Ok" are absolute bliss for me and I long to have those days again.

Do I have any hope at all of getting better or am I completely stuck with this to the point where I can't even go further than 1 mile from my house? This is a complete prison for me both psychologically and physically given I am stuck at home, unable to do anything because of the huge amounts of fears, the emotional flashbacks and my body screaming at me to run.

Please help.

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome. I'm sorry you've had such mistreatment and pain. We will listen and validate your feelings, not minimize them. We will believe you. We will hear your pain and understand because we have been there/are there too.

Yes, there is hope! There are many new scientific findings about the brain and trauma. I'm sorry to hear that it sounds as if you did not have a positive experience in therapy before, but I hope you will try again.

Take things slow, keep posting, take your time. Read here and ask questions when you have them. We are here for you!

[bring em all in]

BrokenMind- I can relate to much of what you wrote, and I've been in therapy and on medication for over 20 years. I started EFT Tapping therapy with a new counselor two weeks ago. I actually feel worse because I'm getting to the root of things, and it feels like when my leg falls asleep and wakes up- very tingling and painful.

I suppose it has to sometimes get worse to get better. If that is true, then as bad as I feel now I should be finding relief sometime soon.

One thing that has really helped is my EFT therapist encouraging me to write my own tapping scripts and suggesting that when feelings overwhelm me and I go non-verbal that I just tap the meridians without speaking.

[Kizzie]

Hi Broken Mind and a warm welcome to OOTS      There are lots of us here at our computers around the world who struggle as you do with this disorder so you have a place to come to and talk about your feelings where everyone does understand now.  That can provide some relief from the constant stress you're feeling, at least it does for many of us and I hope this is true for you as well.

You may also want try therapy again, but with a T who has training and experience with trauma related disorders and in particular Complex PTSD (versus PTSD which is different in terms of symptoms and treatment to some extent).  We do have some information sheets and forms under "Resources" and then "Downloads" that may be helpful in finding a suitable T.

I know at the moment you feel broken, but this is a stress disorder that you can recover/heal from.  Perhaps thinking of it in this way will help you find a smidge of hopefulness at a time when you do feel broken.   

[rosemarie]

Hey there,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I have been in a similar state and have also been through loads of therapy and had that hopelessness feeling about it all, still kind of do. But i think it's important to note that it's pretty darn hard to recover while still entrenched in an abusive relationship. So good for you at ending that, 11 years! And of course, like you said, it was pretty much constant. Give yourself a break you have been through * and back and despite how awful you feel you are still here, surviving, and reaching out for help. Bravo! And people here care and understand like few people you will ever meet. You're not alone. I also can particularly relate to panic attacks from new age stuff, I find it can be really victim shaming and not super helpful and I am super into metaphysical stuff and very intuitive and sensitive and whatnot. New agers tend to invalidate negative feelings and that is so beyond unhelpful for trauma survivors and really, anyone! I think it can also influence the no medication stance. I go back and forth on that one myself, and I think sometimes I'm just denying my needs and being driven by an all to justifiable fear if the pharmaceutical industry. But I also found I could compromise and go for say an 'as needed' med for anxiety when none of my new age practices were really helpful or accessible any more without feeling like a total failure. Dunno if you can relate to any of that? It sounds like you are in a crisis. Have you felt like this before? What has helped in the past?

[BrokenMind]

Well...

Not sure where to start really, it's certainly not getting better. I am quite lost in life, I spent 10 years working on my business thinking as soon as I earn that amount, buy that car, or get that house I will be happy, and I have achieved all of those things and I am miserable as sin. I want to set up a charity eventually to help get homeless people off the street and into work but that seems light years away given the fact I can't even function in my own house most days, let alone get further out then a mile a so.

Yes, I have considered medication but it doesn't treat the root cause, and like yourself I have seen so many horror stories, so many lawsuits, it's just not worth the risk for me, at least if I am not on meds I know my body isn't taking anything else apart from stress, anxiety, cortisol and so forth. Really have no idea where to turn at the moment, however I did see a video of a CPTSD therapist that had helped someone recover completely, but like what I have read some people never recover. Sometimes I do wish I had no one around me then I could take my own life and wouldn't hurt anyone in doing so, however I have always been a warrior and fighter and that's not something I would do no matter what, the only refuge for the really dark days is under my covers in bed.

It's terrible to hear people don't get better from this and it worries me a lot. I began to realise that after searching for "truth" in this physical life of ours, the complete "truth" is that we just do not know what the truth is. An anology which I found really insightful is if you take an "ant" he or she is just an ant, they carry out jobs amongst other ants, but that's all they are. We are just human, and that's all we are... to try and understand life completely and the reasons we are here and the reasons we go through things probably isn't possible for our minds to comprehend or even understand, so ultimately I have given up on that. I do know one thing given a completely amazing experience many years ago that cannot be scientifically explained, and that's that I do believe in God, not from a religious stand point but from an intimate relationship with him, and during my darkest moments he has been my refuge, I just wish I could get better!

[sanmagic7]

i, too, am very sorry to hear about your suffering.  i've gone through much the same things over the past 30+ years, have only discovered the ins and outs of c-ptsd recently, and have been a member of this forum since last summer.  i went through a period of time where things did actually feel worse as i was discovering new and more 'things' that were going on with me, and was quite down at the time.

over the years, i've done various things to help me find a way out of what i was feeling, including shrinks, therapy, anti-depressants/meds, lots of visits with docs (my symptoms included a lot of physical maladies), reading to gain information and understanding, and finally, this  forum.  while everything had its time and place (yes, even the meds served a purpose for a time - they helped give my psyche a boost so that i could go after the root problems.  they were like support mechanisms for my mind which was delving into places that were overwhelming at the time).

it was through incorporating everything available that i made progress, eventually finding oots and the support, suggestions, and information pertinent to specific problems i was having.  after getting here, the progress has been moving more rapidly, and i'm beginning to see the light again.  i am now off psych meds (except for sleep), taking better care of myself, and beginning to feel more like me again.  for quite awhile, i really didn't think that would happen.  i have hope now, which had been missing for most of this process.

may i encourage you, brokenmind, to explore every avenue possible as you are able.  i now do believe we can recover from this, at least to the point where we can function again somewhat normally on a regular basis.   i don't think your mind is broken, but it may need some re-wiring.  i give you a lot of credit for posting here.  we hear you, we're listening, you're worth it.  small steps, patience with yourself, and time can do wonders.   you're just out of that relationship, and you may be experiencing some grieving as well that's turning you topsy-turvy.   hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you!

[BrokenMind]

Can I ask you what meds you took sanmagic, and if you had any side affects?

[sanmagic7]

of course you can ask!  unfortunately, i don't remember the names of all the anti-depressants.  i began with paxil, it stopped working after about 1 1/2 yrs., and the shrink added something to help boost it, but i've forgotten what.  this was about 20 yrs. ago.  then i moved, didn't see a shrink again until about 10 yrs. ago.  in the meantime, i tried st. john's wort (didn't help) and other alternative remedies, including seeing a healer, who helped, but only on one level. 

the shrink gave me a different anit-depressant (can't remember) and depakote for mood stability.  i also took some anit-psychotic med cuz i was having hallucinations for awhile, and then another med which was supposed to make my brain/body connection more stable because my legs were beginning to act weird but it actually made my legs go wonky to the point where they let me down, i fell, and broke my wrist, but the shrink wouldn't believe that it was from the medication.  that was when i decided that i was going to tackle my underlying reasons for depression and get off the meds.

i accomplished that within 2 yrs.  some of the side effects were physical (my legs), some were mental (feeling a bit blurry, difficulty concentrating, lethargic).  sorry i can't be more help.  at the time i took the meds, i was in a very bad place and they really helped me get over the hump until i felt ready to tackle the beast.  different meds, tho, often have different effects on people, and it's kind of experimental to see which one(s) work or not for you.  there are so many new and different ones now that i know nothing about.  i was on the meds for about 5 yrs. and only really had neg. side effects (my legs) near the end of that time.

i still take clonazepam before bed to help me sleep (restless leg syndrome) and i know that i'm physically addicted to it, but it's not a psych. addiction.  i.e., i'm not taking it to get high, and i haven't changed the amount i take in 20 yrs.   the docs were worried about the addiction part, but that doesn't bother me.  i'd rather my body depend on it and i can get some sleep, than go sleepless, like i did before.  the rls kept waking me up without me knowing it, but prevented me from getting to a profound, restful place of sleeping for 20 yrs.  it got to the point where i was falling asleep at my desk every afternoon!  so, i guess physical dependency would be a side effect. 

i've now been off the psych meds for about 5 yrs. and, after all the work to get to the root of the depression, it hasn't come back.  i agree that it may not be a long-term solution for everyone, but some people's brains may be more damaged than others, and they need meds for a longer period of time, possibly for the rest of their lives.

yeah, there are horror stories out there, but there are also success stories.  i'm glad i took meds when i needed them, now i'm glad i don't need them anymore.  not everyone is like me, tho, and i understand that.  you don't really know what will happen for you unless you give it a shot.  we're all so different and individual in the ways we react to things.  your choice, of course, and i support whatever choice you make.  it's your body and brain, and most of all it's your recovery.  healing energy coming your way.  thanks for asking.