My story. Maintain contact?

[MaryPoppins]

Hi all, new here.
Diagnosed with cptsd just a few weeks ago and I've been processing through this new info.
As I've read and researched this disorder my experience makes so much sense to me now.
However, the hard part for me is I'm still somewhat in denial and tend to minimize my experiences. The extra challenge is that my parents' abuse was so subtle and covert, purely in the psychological and emotional realm apart from the frequent spankings as a child.
I've done much recovery work on my own prior to diagnosis and therapy without even knowing what I was doing. I'm a persistent person when I want to be, so that has worked in my favor.
Now that I'm faced with the diagnosis I'm confronted with what to do with my relationship with my parents? I had finally arrived at a somewhat functional relationship with them after many years of awful EFs whenever speaking with them. I finally felt that I had my boundaries clearly in place and they were actually starting to learn how to deal with those boundaries. And then... Wham! I'm diagnosed with cptsd and its like getting the validation I never got that this abuse was real and horrible and has completely affected my entire life. My therapist wants me to experience my emotions. Guess what emotion is popping up for me? Anger!
I want to throw a big toddler tantrum and know my parents will still love me. But I know the real outcome would be this: they would become extremely offended and require me to grovel and apologize profusely that I'm in the wrong.
So now I'm stuck. I can't express this anger without big consequences. And I feel like I'm back where I used to be emotionally when I lived with them.
So, I guess what I'm wrestling with is that I feel like I'm not being true to myself or making my voice heard if I don't tell them about my diagnosis and express this anger and tell them I need time away. But I know that if I do that things will get increasingly complicated. Just looking for encouragement or similar experiences and j sight!

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome! We're glad you're here. I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered but you've certainly found a group of people who can relate and empathize.

Many of us express ourselves in writing - recovery journals (some post them here), letters that aren't sent, poetry, etc.

Although I'm probably much older than you, at almost 60, there was a time that I needed to distance myself from my parents. (This was before email, Messenger, and all the ways people can find you these days!) The "broken record" technique helped me to not get drawn back into their pain and drama; no matter what they said I wouldn't respond with anything but,  "yes, I understand, but I need to distance myself" (what we now call LC or NC). If you truly need time away from them, take it; be the protector to your IC that you never had. There are ways to block people on your phone and email; if that's what it takes, that's what I would do.

If you're anything like the rest of us, minimizing has helped you survive and get this far. It's a helpful survival technique for a helpless, trapped child.  But it's doing you no favors now. Do a little research on it and you'll see exactly why you did it. But chances are, it really is as bad - or worse - as you remember.

Researchers have found that *just* suffering verbal/psychological abuse results in the same physical alterations to our brains as physical trauma.

We hope you get a lot from this community and get the validation and support you need!

[MaryPoppins]

Three Roses,

Thank tou so much for your response. It is very validating.

One thing I thought I had going for me was the fact that I journaled extensively from the time I was 8 years old until I was about 19.

It was always too painful for me to read the journals, but I kept them in a box at my parents' house since they were important to me.

When I was about 20, and had been out of their house for a couple years, my mother mentioned that she had read some of them and thought they were funny and "cute". I was mortified. These were my most personal thoughts, the only place where I was safe from her objectification.

When I returned home at Christmas that year I threw away nearly 20 (half?) of the journals- especially the ones detailing my feelings from their neglect and abuse. I never regretted it until I received this diagnosis.

I've started going through the ones I saved and they are rife with denial as I have clear memories of how I FELT at the time, but foggy memories of how things actually were.

There are a few desperate and honest entries peppered throughout each journal.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi MaryPoppins  and welcome to OOTS. 

I had finally arrived at a somewhat functional relationship with them after many years of awful EFs whenever speaking with them. I finally felt that I had my boundaries clearly in place and they were actually starting to learn how to deal with those boundaries. And then... Wham! I'm diagnosed with cptsd and its like getting the validation I never got that this abuse was real and horrible and has completely affected my entire life. My therapist wants me to experience my emotions. Guess what emotion is popping up for me? Anger!

No Contact, Low Contact, and how to go about each of them: these are questions many of us have asked themselves and/or continue to ask themselves. The same applies to re-establishing contact after No Contact or Low Contact.

There is no panacea to any of these questions, it's a personal decision. And a decision that can change at any time.

If you feel OK with the current Contact you have with your parents, that's perfectly fine. Though I must say the phrase "a somewhat functional relationship" appears to indicate all is not well. Yet.
Your anger does not necessarily have to be directed at your parents in person. Though it might. Releasing your anger by proxy (journals, verbalizing out loud at the beach, shouting into a heavy wind/storm etc as I have done for long now) might help in a way.

For me personally, I have decided to go No Contact, and it's been agonizing. Both internally, as well as having to face the constant attempts by them to re-establish contact, and their attempts to draw other parties in their efforts. (of which I only learn when these third parties actually do become my abuser's advocate)

I think it's valuable to figure out/experience where you are at this point regarding your current contact with your parents. And you have a T to speak about this. I suppose you could start by talking about the emotions you experience considering these various choices you are contemplating.

Welcome again,
Dutch Uncle.

[Sandstone]

I was diagnosed about 2 months ago. I then felt i had to text both parents and say i needed some time alone, that i hadnt fallen out with them but i was going through some stuff and wanted to be left alone. My mum said ok fine and dad didnt reply. i really needed to time out to process the cptsd and everything it involved and certainly couldnt do it aroumd them. Thing is we are/were a very enmeshed family and all live very close and some form of contact was usually daily. So of course after two weeks i felt guilty and slowly got in touch. I have to say they are not in my face as much so far and my mum wanted to know what was going on and so i arranged for us to discuss some things. Im one of the lucky ones as  she validated the things i told her. Now its a matter of making and keeping boundaries

Good luck whatever you decide to do xx

[MidnightOwl]

Hi MaryPoppins,

When I first learned about CPTSD my life felt whole again, what a gamer changer, such enlightenment

One exciting thing to read in your post is that your anger in appearing AND it's being directed in the correct direction, your parents. It sounds like you crave acceptance of your whole emotional pallet, which is totally reasonable and a basic human need. You can decide the best way to go about finding your own internal acceptance/non judgement of your strong emotions but it can be a challenge to get caretakers who previously were quite repressive of negative emotion to suddenly be accepting.

But as our parents age they too can change.

Have you explored Pete Walker's CPTSD text? When you mention anticipating groveling, it makes me think of the fawn response to trauma...which sounds like an emotional flashback.

Personally, I've gone low-contact with my own parents because in my mind, no contact would bring about far more cray cray. I use the grey rock technique, giving them very little information about my life, not celebrating new jobs, education accomplishments...basically I pretend to be quite boring. I also reduced phone calls with them from 1x a week to 1x every 2-3 weeks and try to ask them questions about their life and minimize questions about mine.

It's not perfect, I still get hit with EFs from the desire to connect with my family but I realize that I crave a familial closeness that never existed.

Best of luck on your journey

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, MidnightOwl! We're glad to have you with us.

Please take a look around and make yourself at home - Def check out our member guidelines (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.msg10035#msg10035) - we really want this place to be safe for you and everyone.

Glad you've added your voice to the mix

[MaryPoppins]

MidnightOwl,

Thank you, your reply is very insightful. You are correct that I crave acceptance of my entire emotional pallet, which is a great way to describe it.

A little update on all of this: I have told my mother about my diagnosis and she responded pretty well. Now my task is continuing to figure out what I need and want. I've never considered that I have choices in this relationship, so it's new territory.

The "boring" technique is probably the safest bet for the next little while so I can take time to see if and how she has changed and respond accordingly.

I've decided I do want to maintain contact for now, but I can't resume the longing for the kind of relationship I used to want with her. I had come to peace with that and accepted who she is. I'm realizing that recovery doesn't necessitate opening up that futile longing again.

I wonder why she wants a relationship with me, as I don't believe she really loves me. She thinks she does, but it is conditional. I'm still convinced of that until I learn otherwise.

I have very little feelings toward her. Some of the trouble in moving forward in this relationship is that we have nothing in common and I don't really like her very much. I maintain contact because she's my mom and does things for me sometimes, which I know it is not good for her that I "use" her that way. But maybe it makes her feel needed a little bit, since I haven't really needed her for quite some time. That ship sailed when I was about 15.

I just feel numb toward her. I wonder what it's like to have love and good feelings when thinking about one's mother?