Thank you both for the validation.
NarcKiddo, you raise an interesting point about neurodivergence being conflated with trauma. Having read many first-hand accounts and some diagnostic criteria related to neurodivergence (mostly autism, but also ADHD), the core topics seem to overlap heavily with C-PTSD. For example, "deficits in social communication" vs. "interpersonal hardship"; "sensory issues" vs. "hyper/hypo-arousal"; "restricted/repetitive behaviours vs. "avoidance" and "re-experiencing"; and "rejection sensitive dysphoria" vs. "negative self-concept". I have also read some speculation that "diagnosable" neurodivergence is, by definition, a by-product of trauma; people with neurodivergent traits cannot be diagnosed unless they experience clinically significant impairments. So my conceptualization at this point is that everyone has their own individual realm of tolerance, beyond which they become traumatized, and people identifying as neurodivergent tend to have more reactive and sensitive brains that facilitate trauma responses. But then, could such a brain not be forged by early life trauma?
I should clarify: No-one else is identifying my memories as traumatic. It is more that I go back and forth on whether I think something was traumatic based on how emotionally connected I feel to that moment. I simultaneously remember and forget events such that there really isn't much of a story to tell -- it's more like, oh, someone said something to me and I can't remember exactly what it was or why they said it, but sometimes I can revisit that moment and identify dysregulated emotions in hindsight. But also other times I try to visit that exact same moment it feels distant and inconsequential.
I can rationalize that trauma memories do operate like this. You might have seen some other posts of mine where I really express feelings, and then others (like the post above) are rather impersonal. Hence, I am left to wonder what is "the truth". But there isn't just one. I have literally countless happy and loving memories which I am very lucky to have, but I also get into states where those same memories feel like confinement, and I end up seeking comfort in remembering times I was alone or autonomous. I know that I was loved and that the person who raised me did her best, and at the same time she had to raise me by herself from a young age with her own unresolved trauma on board which is a very stacked set of circumstances. So even logic humbly suggests that something might have been missed.
Still, it's strange that I would find myself here. It's strange that I would insert myself into this space and wax poetic about myself to people who (if I may use your exemplary quote, Slashy) "have been through every kind of child abuse you can imagine". I am grateful for the acceptance I have received thus far but wonder if it comes as a direct result of misleading people about the nature/magnitude of my circumstances simply by being here. If I could articulate things accurately, would I still receive empathy? And how do I accomplish such an endeavour without implicitly self-deprecating and validation-seeking to a community who has more than enough of their own healing to do?
Anyhow, I've been looking for something to ease the intrusive thoughts so they don't start manifesting with intent, and part of me remembers the little relief cries that used to happen when reading these forums, so I thought coming back might be helpful.
Thank you for your input, and I hope to return the favour at some point
NarcKiddo, you raise an interesting point about neurodivergence being conflated with trauma. Having read many first-hand accounts and some diagnostic criteria related to neurodivergence (mostly autism, but also ADHD), the core topics seem to overlap heavily with C-PTSD. For example, "deficits in social communication" vs. "interpersonal hardship"; "sensory issues" vs. "hyper/hypo-arousal"; "restricted/repetitive behaviours vs. "avoidance" and "re-experiencing"; and "rejection sensitive dysphoria" vs. "negative self-concept". I have also read some speculation that "diagnosable" neurodivergence is, by definition, a by-product of trauma; people with neurodivergent traits cannot be diagnosed unless they experience clinically significant impairments. So my conceptualization at this point is that everyone has their own individual realm of tolerance, beyond which they become traumatized, and people identifying as neurodivergent tend to have more reactive and sensitive brains that facilitate trauma responses. But then, could such a brain not be forged by early life trauma?
Quote from: GoSlash27 on April 15, 2024, 12:00:28 PMThe fact that the memories you hold would be regarded as traumatic by others but not yourself means nothing more than you have dissociated them.
I should clarify: No-one else is identifying my memories as traumatic. It is more that I go back and forth on whether I think something was traumatic based on how emotionally connected I feel to that moment. I simultaneously remember and forget events such that there really isn't much of a story to tell -- it's more like, oh, someone said something to me and I can't remember exactly what it was or why they said it, but sometimes I can revisit that moment and identify dysregulated emotions in hindsight. But also other times I try to visit that exact same moment it feels distant and inconsequential.
I can rationalize that trauma memories do operate like this. You might have seen some other posts of mine where I really express feelings, and then others (like the post above) are rather impersonal. Hence, I am left to wonder what is "the truth". But there isn't just one. I have literally countless happy and loving memories which I am very lucky to have, but I also get into states where those same memories feel like confinement, and I end up seeking comfort in remembering times I was alone or autonomous. I know that I was loved and that the person who raised me did her best, and at the same time she had to raise me by herself from a young age with her own unresolved trauma on board which is a very stacked set of circumstances. So even logic humbly suggests that something might have been missed.
Still, it's strange that I would find myself here. It's strange that I would insert myself into this space and wax poetic about myself to people who (if I may use your exemplary quote, Slashy) "have been through every kind of child abuse you can imagine". I am grateful for the acceptance I have received thus far but wonder if it comes as a direct result of misleading people about the nature/magnitude of my circumstances simply by being here. If I could articulate things accurately, would I still receive empathy? And how do I accomplish such an endeavour without implicitly self-deprecating and validation-seeking to a community who has more than enough of their own healing to do?
Anyhow, I've been looking for something to ease the intrusive thoughts so they don't start manifesting with intent, and part of me remembers the little relief cries that used to happen when reading these forums, so I thought coming back might be helpful.
Thank you for your input, and I hope to return the favour at some point