False Memories?

[gcj07a]

I find it curious that I never forgot the physical and emotional abuse I suffered as a child, but I have only in the last three years recovered memories of sexual abuse. In my career I am an academic (though not in psychology, I have quite a bit of social science training) so I started researching the phenomenon of repressed memories and found that there is a divide in the academic literature between clinicians on the one hand who largely accept some version of repressed memory (probably more like motivated forgetting and/or dissociative amnesia than the repressed memory theory of Freud) and memory researchers on the other hand who discount the whole idea that one could forget something so traumatic.

The first time I remembered my sexual abuse was during an EMDR session on a memory of emotional abuse. That memory morphed into one of SA. So I have to wonder, am I creating false memories? Is there a danger of that? Why would I create false memories? It is not like I enjoy thinking about these things!

The memories certainly seem very real (though I recognize that to some degree I am consolidating similar memories and I often don't have a lot of details), but are they real?

[DD]

I have wondered about the same. But found my peace in that. I can't just now find the link I wanted to share about how children don't make this up but quite the opposite.

https://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/trusting-your-memories-of-sexual-abuse

For me the truth is in my body and mind. There was months that I fought acceptance and most of that with just this question. What if I am just making it up. But think of the evidence.

What are your symptoms? Your triggers? Things you know about your life?

For me I've always dissociated at the sight of an erect penis if it was unexpected. I don't want anything near my face. I couldn't eat sushi at first because it was too big in my mouth. I can dissociate in sex so far that I'm 100% vulnerable to what the other wants. My sibling was also victim. I have DDNos and C-PTSD.

I am not saying you have to have these. What I am saying is look at your life. Look past the disbelief that, for me, tried to shield me from the truth. And look. There may be little pieces of evidence scattered around all over your life that suddenly make sense.

Keep talking to here. I believe you. I have been in a similar situation not long ago. As in a few weeks ago. Now I am just profoundly sad and at times boilingly mad.

The details are not, for me, so important. Sometimes a barin combines memories. But 100% accuracy here is not needed I think. For healing the level necessary is to accept bad things happened here and a top level idea of what happened so you can heal. The little details 100% correct, i don't even want those.

Also be kind to yourself. This is a lot to handle. It takes time to accept. I still, at times, struggle with that. Trust yourself to heal at a pace that suits you. You've been through so very much. Be kind. If you need to push it away a bit for a time with these thoughts, that's ok. Just remember, there's a reason the memories come up.

I'm learning to stop punishing myself and start caring for myself.

[gcj07a]

DD,

Super helpful. Thank you. I go through phases where I am certain and then wonder if I made it all up. My T has always been really good about validating my experience and also telling me that whether or not these specific memories happened in the way I remember, the emotional and somatic memories cannot be denied. I certainly feel a certain way and those feelings are connected to these memories.

I found the article you shared to be fantastic. I have also read The Body Keeps the Score, which discusses some of this. Thanks for the support!

[Armee]

Hi GC,

I believe you. It's horrific and I wish it weren't true, but I don't doubt you at all.

I doubted myself for a LONG time. What I learned along the way was how painful the doubt is and how much it really kept me stuck and unable to heal. Once I was able to accept it and believe it (which was not a simple matter of just deciding to, it's a whole journey unto itself) - THAT was when I was able to start healing. It wasn't instantaneous healing, but that was when it started moving in the direction toward healing.

A couple months ago I actually got to the point where I believed myself enough to do a podcast interview, with my real name attached to it, with a former police detective who is a survivor himself and now trains other detectives and prosecutors on how to do trauma-informed interviews of victims. I talk at length about that doubt and how difficult it made it to heal. I want to share with you the notes he wrote up to go with the episode, because he talks about trauma and memory and it might be validating for you to read, too. Trigger warning of course, given the subject, but the notes only contain mention of the event and no description.

Good luck in your journey. It's painful but it does get better. Yours will take time and patience because of the level of betrayal involved. Give yourself the respect you deserve for everything you are going through and went through. This is quite real, and when you start to come to grips with what happened that beginning phase is exactly as if it JUST happened. Like yesterday. So be gentle.
___

Rape trauma is an incredibly distressing experience that can have profound effects on a person's memory, emotional well-being, and overall sense of self. One of the common consequences of such trauma is memory loss, where survivors may struggle to remember specific details of the assault due to the brain's natural defense mechanism of dissociation. Bessel van der Kolk, a renowned trauma researcher and psychiatrist, has extensively studied the profound impact of trauma on individuals, including the severe consequences of rape trauma. His research has shed light on the phenomenon of memory loss in survivors of sexual assault, where the trauma can be so severe that it leads to a total loss of memory regarding the rape itself.

Such was the case of this week's guest, ______. Now in her 40's, _____ was gang raped at age 19. The impact of that heinous act was so devastating to _____, that for the next 25 years, _____ had only fragmentary memories of the summer events that happened after the rape, and intrusive flashbacks that made her question what really happened. Van der Kolk's research emphasizes that memory loss in rape survivors should not be interpreted as evidence of fabrication or falsehood. Instead, it highlights the complex and adaptive nature of the brain's response to trauma. The memory loss is a manifestation of the brain's attempt to shield the individual from the overwhelming pain and distress associated with the traumatic event. It was through counseling, for unrelated personal issues, that _____ started having flashback memories of the horrific experience she suffered. This, in turn, led to her eventual piecing together some of the puzzle that she is now working through to discover healing and a new perspective on life.

Understanding the mechanisms behind memory loss in rape trauma is crucial for validating survivors' experiences and dispelling misconceptions. Van der Kolk's research contributes to a broader understanding of the psychological impact of sexual assault and underscores the need for trauma-informed approaches to support survivors, like _____, in their healing journey. By recognizing the complexity of trauma and memory, we can foster empathy, provide appropriate care, and empower survivors like _____ to reclaim their lives. And this story is a prime example of why we should all Start by Believing.

Give _____'s episode your close attention; it may have keys to unlocking some of your questions about the devastation of rape and sexual assault.

Please share this episode with everyone you know. And also, please do your part to help bring justice to victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault.

davemarkel@gmail.com

https://markel-consulting.com

https://startbybelieving.org

https://thejanbrobergfoundation.org

[JRose]

*Trigger Warning
Thank you so much for writing on this topic. The main memory of my childhood was "our family is somehow not ok". The main A took place in Italy, when I was 6-12 years old. We lived there for 6 years before returning to the States. The A did not end there but I do remember the times after Italy better since I was 12 years and older.
My memories from Italy were mostly of neglect, only a few uncomfortable SA memories. I am now 67 years old and it wasn't until I was in a training course for counseling that I realized I was being triggered by subjects on T.  That was in 2010, and I soon began searching for help in T. It was then that I began to discuss disturbing dreams from over the years with my T and then uncovering lots of SA "pictures" when I began to look deeper.
In my work with that T from 2013 to 2017 I identified a number of Ps, also from FOO. Along this time I contacted some siblings (11 children in our FOO) and received some confirmation. But for me it was still a big struggle to believe myself! I must say, it still is that way. But it is true for me that the evidence in my life and in my family speak strongly for it, and is what I rely on most of the time.

[Papa Coco]

GC and all. After reading The Body Keeps the Score, and working with my therapist on the topic, I have come to realize that if a well-meaning therapist had seeded false memories into my brain, only my brain would believe they were true. And that's not the case with me. My body remembers more than my brain does. Seeding a person with false memories cannot biologically produce body memories.

TRIGGER WARNING: One Very Graphic Body Memory:
My body memories are so intense that when I have those moments when I remember flashes of the abuse, I actually bleed rectally. No pain. Just, suddenly, my clothing is saturated. And it's bad. I have to change clothes and wear protective garments for a few hours until it stops.  Add to this phenomenon and, even just writing about this, sends me into freezing chills. I'm shivering right now. My office is warm, but I'm freezing as if I'm naked in a cold room. As soon as I stop thinking about this, I become warm again.

No seeded false memory can do that. The brain has its memories--which can be altered or argued with. The body has its own memories--which cannot be altered or dismissed. The reason I'll never be able to chronologically align my memories into stories, and will never be able to recover the full memory of each event, is because my little brain went totally OFF LINE while the abuse was happening when I was 5 -7 years old. My brain can only remember what it was there to witness. But since the brain was offline, all it documented was a few snapshots and faces and places. My body fills in the rest with it's detailed memories of what the abuse felt like.

I can feel the weight of my abusers on me. I can smell the linen of their clothing. I can feel the dark body hair they were covered in. I can feel the unnaturally hot body temperature of the adult abuser. I can taste the lips of the older boy that was involved also. I can hear words. But my brain can't remember anything but these snippets and sensations.

What my brain does remember, is the confusion of "waking up" in my 2nd grade classroom sometime during the last half of the day. I assumed it was me being a bad boy who didn't "pay attention" to the teacher for two hours and I certainly would never tell anyone of those lost time voids. On those days, I very clearly do remember waking up in class, and having absolutely, positively no memory of any part of the past hour or two. And not like I just couldn't remember where I was, but like I blinked my eyes and 2 hours passed in a split second. Much like waking up from sedation after a dental or surgical procedure.

I have a lot of colonoscopies because of my symptoms. I keep coming up as healthy. But because it keeps happening, my doc sends me off for another one a couple of years later. I hate the five days prior when I can't eat any good food, but I like the day of the procedure because I love being sedated. The nurses tell me, "Okay we're ready to get started" and then I blink, and they tell me, "You did great." I absolutely love that. Somehow I see lost time as a friend. I like waking up, having no idea what they'd just done to me. It feels like how I used to wake up in the classroom. I was never afraid of the lost time. I was confused by it, but somehow, I felt like it was a good thing that I'd somehow skipped over something.

Seeded memories from a guided imagery can't do that to a human being. They can only tell a story that the brain thinks might be true. They can't make me bleed, or fall to the floor crying, as I sometimes also do when I'm reminded of those days.

My therapist has vehemently agreed that if my memories had been seeded by a former therapist, that I would have no body memories to accompany the brain memories. All I'd have is a story in my head that I think might have been true. Like I'd watched a movie that I later thought I was a character in. All intellectual memory but with no accompanying physical sensations.

For me, I see the general rule as being that memories, dreams, movies, guided imageries, novels, things like that, cannot bring on trauma. Only living through the experiences can rewire the amygdala and set into motion residual trauma. Fake memories don't traumatize us. Only real events can create trauma.

I came to these conclusions while reading The Body Keeps the Score. Up until then, I was always slightly afraid that I was making up the whole story and that my previous therapist had seeded the memories into my brain. I now feel 100% confident that what I feel is very, very real.

[Armee]

 

100% agree PapaC

[DD]

Trigger warning ———



I have my own body memories. I was also about 5-6 maybe when it started. Waist height of an adult. Conveniently so. I can feel the hand at the back of my head. I can feel my jaw hurt from being forced so open. I can feel the absolute terror. Of trying to breathe. Of chocking. I know it happened repeatedly because I know The feeling of knowing it's going to happen again and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But of the event, the guilty one, or anything like that, i remember nothing. But it was at my grand parents place. Because when hearing those voices of people there again after decades brought me the terror of is he here.

For me there's no denying it. And yes, it is as Armee said for me as well. Remembering it is just as if it just happened. Except the body memories can go on and on so it is in a way feeling like it is ongoing and there's no escape from it.

But remembering it didn't start like this. It started with nightmares. With a feeling that "something happened". Continued with looking at my sexual history and seeing the re-traumatixing situations and reactions. And no, we didn't talk about this in therapy then. We're just starting to talk about it.

And I think it is worse than what I remember now. There's still worse to come up. I can't explain why or how I know it and I surely don't want it. But it feels true.

Right now I am especially fighting with my belief (thanks mom) that men have their needs that have to be fulfilled whether we want to or not, because that's our responsibility as women. Talk about toxic.

And in a sexual situation I can suddenly start having image flashbacks. I seriously don't know if there's something past this. If I will ever heal. There was never a before in a way because I was so young. So seeing an after is really hard.