Hope66's Journal

[Blueberry]

I'm thinking of you Hope. I think you're dealing really well with all that's going on with your sister, including taking a step back. Keep looking after you 

[Hope66]

Thanks Blueberry, I missed you whilst you were away, and it's great that you're back - and thanks for your support and kind words.  I appreciate them.   

Journal Entry for 2nd November 2017

Not much to say today except that I have been productive this morning, and that feels good.  This afternoon is ok too.  I'm not putting any pressure on myself to 'do any particular thing' - because I want to 'stand back' and think about what I want to do - rather than what I feel I should be doing - if that makes sense.

So that feels good in itself - I would normally be considering things in a less rational way - and standing back a bit is helping me to consider what I really would like to do in terms of approaching things.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

makes perfect sense to me.  i believe those 'shoulds' are the voices of other people, and are not necessarily true to our 'self'.  i'm really glad you're looking at what it is you want to do.  that's the best.  sending a hug filled with love and caring.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
Yes, I often hear the 'shoulds' and I recognise them to be from my FOO rather than from myself, and so trying to think about what I 'want to do' is something I am really trying to focus on.  Thanks for your validation and also for the hug  - your love and caring eminates strongly - and is much appreciated - thank you.   

Journal entry for 3rd November 2017

Over the weekend, I hope to focus on what I 'want to do' in relation to going forward - I've been reading in different parts of the forum - and I am sure that I will find things I'd like to post about - somehow I'm feeling a bit stronger in myself - at least today - not sure why.  But part of it could be that I've taken a 'step back' from feeling I have to act/respond/do anything in relation to my sister - I am just trying to consider 'what' to do. 

However, interesting that having a week where I've not communicated with her, somehow I feel 'freer' and 'less restricted' - and that is interesting to realise that it was quite a heavy communication. 

I've also been thinking more about some past memories - and I think I'd like to try to get back to documenting some of my memories - I had bought a colour coded pad to do that - but then I hadn't done any more - it's like I'm full of 'good intentions' but then I procrastinate.  Other things come along that somehow 'need doing' - and so I focus on those. 

So I really want to focus myself - and so I'll try to do some planning for the weekend - write some lists - and see what I can do.  This is my 'intention' and I just hope that I will 'act' on those intentions - but you know - I am feeling 'stronger' in myself today - I like that feeling! 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i like that feeling for you, hope.  sounds like progress to me. 

i think those intentions will materialize when you're ready.  i don't think you need to get down on yourself for not following thru all the time.  they will happen when they're supposed to.

in the meantime, i think you're doing great with the sister stuff.  freer, indeed!   warm hug being sent to you filled with a smile of happiness for you.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
I think it is progress - feeling stronger - and I also think you're right that intentions will materialise when I'm ready.  They will happen when they're supposed to - the brain has a good way to ensure we don't overdo things, and I'm all for listening to my body and trying to ensure I don't over-stress it.  Thank you so much for saying that, it is really validating. 

Journal entry for 4th November 2017 (Potentially triggering *** Mentioning Cults ***)

I have been thinking back to this time last year, and how I 'fell out' with my sister back then, and am doing so again this year - and I have re-read the communications I sent to her both last year and this year, and I think that I did phrase things really sensitively - I asked a couple of close friends what they thought too, and they confirmed that they thought I was sensitive. 

I haven't replied to my sister - it's been a whole week - and I feel sure that if I don't reply to her, then she won't contact me.  I could be wrong, but this is what I think will be the case.

I've been considering how things have been between us over the past year - and I am feeling as if it sucks the energy out of me to continue with any communication.  I feel drained by it.  When I'm not communicating, then I feel freer.  Yet I feel horrible for not being able to maintain a relationship - but then I tell myself - how could you - there is a very fragile and almost non-existent relationship between you - our FOO didn't allow us to bond as sisters - we were separated for most of our early childhoods, and for the brief periods of time that we were in the same house, we weren't allowed to play together, or interact beyond the briefest of interactions.  So it's hardly surprising that we have no bond.

What has been valuable to me, and I hope to her too, is that when we re-connected (after I searched for her and an organisation found her), we were able to share our experiences and 'talk to each other' about those - and I think we both validated each other's experiences.

But to be honest, I feel as if my sister wants to talk about herself and her life and that she's not interested in my opinions or my thoughts and feelings about things - she is wrapped up in her own life and it's a very unusual set of perspectives on life.

I have been looking in the 'Cult' area of the forum - and there wasn't really anything there which was like my sister's views - she believes in a whole load of quite unusual things (at least I think so) - and whilst I did try to respect the fact she has different views, she ended up pushing her views in my face and wanting me to 'see the light' - there have been things she's said to me that make me think that she believes I am stupid not to see the things she 'knows' - and I haven't told her how I feel, not properly, because I don't want to upset her.  But even the slightest suggestion that I am not going along with what she thinks, means she has been hostile about it.

I guess I needed to say those things here - to 'get it out' - I had been happy to find her - but also upset that she never 'looked' or 'searched' for me - I was very easy to find as my name is the same as it was when she knew me - whereas it was really hard to find her, as her name has changed as she got married.  When I asked her why she never looked for me, she said that 'The spirits told me it wasn't the right time' - and somehow I don't feel satisfied with that reply - I feel like she just didn't want to find me.

I feel bad for expressing anger about this - because I know that she had a difficult childhood - but at the same time, I think she knew our FOO were not looking after us well - and surely she could have checked on me to find out how I was.  Rescued me. 

Even as I say this, I think it must have been very hard for her - she was only a child herself - neither of us could have protected ourselves against our experiences - she fought and got out of the family - I was too scared and I didn't understand what had happened to her - she could even have been dead, I wouldn't have known - noone spoke about what happened to her.

I feel a lot of emotion right now.  I thought I was calm, but of course, writing about it - I realise I have a LOT of emotion bubbling under the surface.

Anyway, I have been feeling stronger in myself this last couple of days, and I am pacing myself - and I will try to keep grounded and focus on getting through another week in a balanced and hopefully positive way.

I am ever grateful for this forum - everyone is so supportive, caring and understanding. 

My sister told me she is 'much loved' within her family of choice - she has a husband, and a son, plus a daughter (although she is estranged from her daughter) - estrangement has gone through several generations of our FOO.  A repeating theme.   She also has another FOC  - relating to the cultish group she is part of - and she told me she is a head of this - working across the world.  I know she feels safe within that group - but they frighten me in that they seem to want to control people and might be trying to get money out of them. 

When I first started writing to her, we wrote almost every day, and I felt over-whelmed, and then when I started to want space and wanted to reduce contact to once or twice a week, she told me that if I was her 'spiritual sister' I would want to write daily - that was a warning bell to me that she was possibly controlling.  I think she is. 

I really can't cope with being enmeshed in another controlling relationship - and I think what I want to do is break free from that.  Hence for the moment, I am considering being VLC or possibly NC depending on what happens - I don't think she will contact me again, if I don't reply - but I don't know.

If anyone is reading this, then thank you - because it must sound very long-winded, but I feel 'torn' about this in some ways, but at the same time, the stronger part of myself is telling me that I need to preserve my own mental health - I need to live my own life - and with a FOC (family of choice) rather than a family that wants to envelop me.  I hope that makes sense.

I think I should write 'trigger warning' at the start of this post, as I think I triggered myself - wasn't expecting that...

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

  You are doing incredible well looking after yourself in such a tough situation.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i think you already know what you need to do.  just take your time, which it seems that you are really doing a good job with. 

i've been estranged from my sister for nearly 30 yrs.  for a long time it bothered me, but there were many of the same qualities of which you speak.  it was her way or the highway, to put it in a nutshell.   i, too, feel freer without her in my life.  it's too bad, but self-care is most important.  no more energy into saying and doing things 'just right' that wouldn't upset her.

sending you a hug filled with warmth and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope, I'm new here.

I don't really know about this stuff but I guess hugs make it better.

[Hope66]

Just to say that I feel so supported by all your replies - thank you so much, they have all really helped me - thank you.   

[Hope66]

Journal Entry on 8th November 2017

So far so good this week - I'm doing ok.  I haven't had any further communications from my sister, and I'm not anticipating any - she wrote quite an aggressive and defensive E-mail to me, and I didn't reply.  I think the stress of that was wondering what to do - and I found it so helpful to write here in my Journal, and receiving so much support back - it really helped.

Anyway, I'm trying to be kind to myself this week - just getting through things that need doing, and not putting too many 'demands' on myself - as I feel I can't cope with them.  But the things I am doing, I am coping - so that feels ok.

I've ordered a book - which was one that ThreeRoses mentioned a few times, and I found that there's a new edition of it (January 2016) so I've ordered that one - and it will arrive by the weekend hopefully.  It's by Steven Farmer and it's called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have been Physically, Sexually or Emotionally Abused." - and I think it will be helpful to me.  I love the words 'Healing program' - they sound positive. 

I've been having thoughts relating to past events more often recently -and I think I need to write more about those - so I hope to do that when I feel I can.  But I'm going to pace myself - and take my time - because I think that way I can hopefully cope and get through the processing of things.

My partner has told me that I've been disturbed in my sleep - i.e. he told me that I seemed quite distressed and my heart was 'beating ten to the dozen' - and yet, I have no memory of that.  But I know it's suggesting I am processing things at night, and I really hope that I can experience more peaceful sleep, so that I don't disturb my partner's sleep.  He said it didn't last too long.  So that was good.

I hope to start reading my new book on the weekend, and I will take it slowly.

Hope 

[Sceal]

So good that you are taking time to do those tasks that you feel you can cope with. Its part of self-care, is it not? Not overdoing it.

Its also good that you are processing at night. Maybe its a form of deeper processing?

I hope you have a continued good day!

[sanmagic7]

i'm with sceal in wishing you well with all this, and i do think you're doing a good job already.  well done, hope.   big hug!

[Hope66]

Thanks Sceal & SanMagic 

Journal Entry for 9th November 2017

I feel more reflective today - I've been reading through some of the past E-mail communications with my sister.  Processing things she said - making sense of pieces of the jig-saw of my life that her narrative has enabled me to 'fill in' - but recognising at the same time that she has her own perspectives on that time, just as I have mine. 

I've also been doing various tasks and chores that I need to do - some have been things I've 'put off' - so actually getting round to 'doing them' feels positive.  Somehow there feels like there's more 'space' for me to do that currently.  I am thankful, as it feels good when I accomplish something.

Hope