Why is College So Hard for Me?

[Spirals]

Is learning hard for everyone with CPTSD, or just me?

I swear college has been such a struggle. Although I like it most of the time, it's hard to get the grades I like unless I go part-time. But then even if I go part-time, I'm fatigued all the time and can barely remember anything I study anyways.

It's like I have no working memory. I've had issues with this since childhood  but I'm sick of overcoming things and putting a positive spin on it. It sucks. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot while other people study for five minutes and remember.

I want a STEM degree but I feel like I don't have the brain for it. But I don't want to switch to a different degree. I want something with the option of research.

Plus, it's like a personal thing. I want to be good at math. I know I'm never going to be Einstein, but I'm tired of being bad at it. And I want to be able to do cool things with it. I feel like I missed out on so much science-y stuff because I didn't understand it.

The worse part is, I know I'm not stupid but I feel like I'm never going to be able to prove it to anyone but myself. But I just can't memorize things as fast as everyone else. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

[Contessa]

I found uni excruciatingly difficult, yes. Oh boy yes. Part-time, fatigue, memory... the fact that a task takes five times longer than it should to complete one fifth of the total expected output... brain block, constant headaches, tears...

I can say that cptsd has severely affected my academic capabilities, and have felt exactly the same as what you express:

I'm sick of overcoming things and putting a positive spin on it.

Having experienced repeated traumas as an adult both just prior to and during my third degree (having successfully completed my first and working in the industry while working also on a postgraduate at nights with very good marks)... yes I can say cptsd makes learning very hard for all the reasons you describe.

My calling is to research and academia, so I continue to plough forward.

Did you know that Einstein in fact failed mathematics?

[joyful]

Hi Spirals
I wish I had some great advice to give you, but all I've got is just to say that college is super hard for me too. I struggle to focus and pay attention, and a lot of times I struggle to even care...
College seems like a terrible time to be dealing with cptsd...

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, yes learning is pretty much impossible, I'm now even finding it difficult to remember conversations I've just had or who with and constantly saying to people what did they just say, it seems quite common with cptsd when you read other people's stories- unfortunately!

[Wife#2]

At my age, I can now 'play it off' as a function of age. But, I had struggles since high school and college also.

I could retain a lot, but that was pure luck of the genetic draw - I have a quick mind. However, if it didn't get lodged into long-term memory correctly, it didn't exist in there! I can remember sitting in class NOW better than 20 years ago! I can see my professors, but not hear a word they're saying.

I would suggest recording classes in whatever way the teacher allows (audio, video). It doesn't fix all of it, but it will give you one more shot to hear the professors and maybe retain just a bit more.

I wish I had answers that would actually help. At least I'm one more voice saying that you are not alone. 

[Spirals]

Thanks, people I think I kind of just need to vent.

I was feeling down and upset about failing another quiz. My math professor has been quizzing us on what we learn each week Thursday and I've been reminded of how bad my memory is. Plus, whatever I do remember usually is fractured and needs to be reorganizated before I can use it. And that's if the info is even relevant to the problem!

So I'm embarrassed I'm turning in disorganized, incorrect answers. It's like I'm overwhelmed by the information and basically drowning in it.   If I do understand the problems and what I need to do, it's frustrating to be unable to remember the prerequisite formulas and rules that I need to solve it.

And it seems like trying to pull the memory out harder (like struggle to remember it), just makes the memory harder to retrieve or it seems to disorganize other memories that have been retrieved. Like my working memory temporarily goes offline if I get too stressed.

It's really frustrating to have these memory problems. I don't really remember things in a conscious, exact way. It's like it gets put in my subconscious, in a generalized way. So it's definitely there, but I have to practice reassembling it a few times before it will be consciously useful.

It is nice to know I'm not alone. Most of the other students are memorizing things fine so I feel like I don't belong there or something. I'm tired of being a lifelong underachiever. I think normal people have to practice the material they learn, but I feel like I have to do it 2x as much.

I'm so tired all the time, too. It's like I don't relax or sleep deeply enough to really refresh my brain. It's actually gotten worse the longer I've been in school.

It's depressing. I even have major problems learning stuff on the job, as well. It's actually worse in the workplace because so much info is given verbally. It's demoralizing to run into this issue again and again; plus, people tend to make a snap decision that I'm stupid from witnessing it (I've forgotten how to open doors, multiply, etc).

To make matters worse, my life feels like a joke to me. I'm in my mid twenties and I've basically accomplished nothing tangible. While people I've gone to HS have babies, husbands, degrees, or real jobs. I'm worried I'll reach thirty and be no better off than I was at twenty-five. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm lazy or not trying hard enough.

[Three Roses]

 

[Spirals]

     

Lol, the cycle of my emotions.

[Contessa]

Haha
Every lecture and seminar
them:
me:

The head explosion was a regular. Are there any moments of good output and productivity?

[Contessa]

This just fell into my lap. Tania Windegger talks about Cptsd, and has a series of videos sharing strategies that helped her through to her PhD.

I have only just started to watch this myself, so cannot comment with great depth, but looking forward to seeing what has helped her succeed. Thought I'd share the link immediately for part one on the topic of study and concentration xo

https://youtu.be/foCgWkRCTOU

[Spirals]

Hi, Contessa

I do have good moments of productivity. It seems to be the initial parts of learning I tend to struggle with. I'm in precalculus so they are introducing a lot of new trigonometry stuff that I'm having to memorize (ouch, lol). The first half of precalc was fairly easy so I'm hoping my brain just needs to warm up, lol.

It seems that info takes longer to sink in. Once I have a foundation, I seem to build on it as well as other people. Its the mental fatigue that is frustrating to deal with, and the pace of the classes can be hard for me to keep up because I'm usually groggy.

I think I start going to yoga again. That seemed to help a lot when I did Stats.

Thanks for the link!

[Contessa]

Great news, glad there are moments of relative 'ease' then.

If it helps I eventually, I suppose, could learn as well as anyone for short spurts of time. But I put that down to skills from previous tertiary experience, because I could not hold a conversation about the content we were learning. I wrote words on a page, but could make no connections beyond the scope of the assignment.

The grogginess I eventually realised was a side effect of the medication I was on. My performance and memory retention improved with a change there. Even more so with therapy.

Keep in touch Spirals, will be keen to see how you progress

[Spirals]

Hi, Contessa

Well, I had a precalc quiz today and I think it went well     I at least was able to work the problems out, and I think some of them were correct, lol. The last two quizzes, I was unable to remember stuff clearly enough to use it to work problems out, and I knew they were all wrong.

It's interesting you mention being unable to have a conversation about the content. I seem to have something similar when I'm learning. If I'm learning something "dense" like math or science, I tend to be almost nonverbal to absorb the information. Sort of mentally blank, too.

People will ask me questions but I'm often unable to answer or need it repeated as my brain switches back into social mode, lol. And I don't understand the content until I go home and try to do the homework. I also write things down, and have no comprehension (especially if someone is talking while I'm taking notes)   

I kind of think it may be an alternative  learning style from the norm, or maybe learning disability related. I have a lot of LD signs. It's interesting you mention you didn't always have these learning issues. I remember having some of these issues since childhood, but I've always wondered if some LD's might be trauma-related.

I don't know if my fatigue is medication-related, but I know it's stressed-related. I want to see a doctor because I think it may be a medical issue. I have a lot of joint pain and stuff, too. I definitely want to try therapy, I wonder if some of the fatigue is more about a backlog of emotions that need to be processed.

I liked the video link. I think I'm going to watch more of Tania Windigger's videos 

[Contessa]

That's awesome Spirals must feel like a good step forward. Although a small one, the potential for more is there.

Indeed. I never could. Didn't comprehend anything, was barely focused or immersed in anything. Oddly though, and I still can't fathom how this happened, I received a prize for my outstanding performance above all others in my major... there was no capacity for recall at all. Anyway, moving on.

That is a very good point about alternative learning styles Spiral. Every person does has their own combination of strengths that make up their own particular style.  I think you also make a valid point about LD's resulting from trauma. I never had any as far as I was aware until the trauma.

I'm on the improve now though, and am concentrating like I was before the trauma which therapy, reduced stress and the change of medication have contributed to. If you are motivated to, its a good idea checking it out with a medical professional It beats dealing with it all on your own.

Great! I like her too. She's so positive, looking forward to some more wisdom from her.

You sound quite positive yourself Spirals, that quiz must have been something really worth celebrating

[Tekes]

Hi Spirals,  I would definitely recommend talking to doctor and getting a referral for Learning Disability Testing.  Like you, I struggled with memory problems and fatigue throughout my undergraduate studies and barely graduated.  During graduate school I paid for my own LD testing.  With the results of testing I was able to get accommodations from the school.  These can include note takers (they will pay another student to take notes for you), extended time, alternate test locations (quiet booth), and recorders.  You can also be provided a quiet room if you live in a dormitory.  These accommodations made school much easier.

I found it also helped to go to find alternate textbooks for the subject I was studying.  The way the book was written seemed to have a big impact on my understanding and retention.  Also, it helped me to think about exams as a point maximization problem instead of trying to answer all parts of every question fully.

I wouldn't give up on STEM studies just yet.  I completed two degrees in mathematics and a degree in electrical engineering without even knowing I had CPTSD.