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I'm pretty open about it; I've told many people, even wrote a Facebook status about going to a psychiatric hospital, but I think the reality of it has only hit a very small amount of people in my life.

I did write that I have CPTSD on an application form that asked about my health for an acting gig, and then began to question whether or not this was the reason I was rejected (I gave an excellent audition).

I have a feeling saying the words isn't stigmatised as much as showing the symptoms, but I may be wrong. It's also quite normal for people to speak openly about their psychopathology in some art circles.

Hi beelady,

I'm not sure how this fits with CPTSD, or whether anyone on this site is capable of providing you with help. That said, I can offer you a little perspective:

If it were me, I would not have stayed in either of these relationships.

For B, I wouldn't tolerate the lack of trust; if someone loves me, they need to love and respect the values I live by without demanding proof. I don't believe you are responsible for B's fate in any way whatsoever; he clearly had issues that required professional help; this is something totally out of your depths and you are not to blame.

As for T's accusations and demands, I wouldn't tolerate any of that. He didn't support you during a difficult time, and so he is not worth your time.

This doesn't seem like a matter of whether or not you're providing enough love; you simply haven't been shown the kind of love you deserve.

On the mention of personality disorders... Personality disorders do not have good inter-rater reliability. That is to say, mental healthcare professionals have a very tough time coming to an agreement over who does and does not have a personality disorder, and if so, what type of personality disorder it is. Jumping to the notion that a personality is pathological can be a quick fix, but things tend not to be that simple.

Based on what you have written, I can only speculate that you could use a bit of help learning to assert yourself, and that jumping into relationships quickly hasn't served you well. You could use some professional help from a psychologist. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you; I think you've had some crappy relationships and traumatic experiences and could use some guidance. It may also be useful to talk to a lawyer about the financial demands T is making, and if T is making you feel unsafe, it may be worth considering calling the police.

Like I said, I'm just offering a fresh perspective; I'm not a professional.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

Today I am grateful for my parents, my boyfriend, and a lovely bunch of artists. I am grateful for the space and time and freedom I have been given in order to recover. I am grateful to have opportunities and contacts and people that have faith in me. I am grateful for my mind, despite all its flaws. Most of all, I am grateful that I'm not criticising myself for taking the day off.

Through your acting/drama have you come across the Alexander Technique?
I've had a few individual lessons in it, but I think that my CPTSD symptoms are largely responsible for my poor 'use' of myself, particularly in the relationship between my head and neck.

I was wondering if this is something you can relate to?
Or maybe you don't have a clue what I'm going on about LOL.

Thanks for the reply PunchDrunk; I'm not familiar with the Alexander Technique, but I'm guessing symptoms can add to physical tension, particularly in the head and neck. The physical manifestation of my psychological state is more about fidgeting (including dermatillomania). It can be quite hard to take command over the body with CPTSD; I try to congratulate myself for even the smallest of triumphs, which I think helps a little.

And Kizzie, thank you very much for the warm welcome and reading material.

Hi pepsinutt,

Welcome to the forum. I've been abused by my peers too. People can be cruel.

I think it's great you're looking for answers; I was much more of a mess before my diagnosis. Some psychiatrist I dated speculated that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I also had some pretty extreme instances of hypervigilance; at the time I thought it was paranoia. I thought I was losing my mind and so figured the highly stressful experience at drama school that left me with shingles must have triggered the onset of some psychiatric illness. I thought it was bipolar or schizoaffective disorder, particularly as I study psychology and it turns out the Medical Students' Disorder also applies to psychology students. In hindsight I think my reasoning was coloured by the feeling that BPD doesn't describe the person that I am and I wanted to find a diagnosis that resonated with me. I was eventually admitted to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with CPTSD (although the psychiatrist agreed that I may also have Bipolar II and that we didn't have enough information available to confirm or rule out the disorder; that's for the future to reveal).

What I hope you take from my story is the importance of a thorough diagnosis by a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. While you are the absolute best judge of what trauma and injury you have sustained in your life, the actual diagnosis can be tricky. I think your next step would be to consult a psychiatrist. Even if you end up with a different diagnosis, or no diagnosis at all, if your experience of the world resemble that of a CPTSD patient, please continue to feel welcome in this forum if you find it helpful.

I'm glad you have a counsellor you are comfortable talking things through with and I hope you continue to seek support and work towards minimising distress.

All the best

Dear Flutterbye,

Congratulations on finding yoga; I'm sure your hippocampus is pleased. I also enjoy learning about the brain; I find it calming to strip away the murky subjective stuff and think about the biological side of things.

I also compare myself to people without CPTSD; there is much I envy. It's hard. I try to remind myself that although I can't do as they do, I'm an incredibly interesting person. I bet you are too

All the best

Hi,

I have joined this site as I have been failing to find the right psychologist and I'm starting to question whether I will ever feel safe in therapy (I'm studying psychology and feel extremely unsafe when I notice even the smallest of inaccuracies). Perhaps a little camaraderie is in order.

I'm not really sure what to write; at this point I don't feel safe describing my CPTSD. I've been coping by writing scripts. I wrote a play with a strong autobiographical element, and next week a group of actors will be reading the script for the first time. It's terrifying, but necessary for my humanitarian cause (an attempt to put bad experiences to good use so that they weren't completely meaningless).

Although my grades have been excellent, I've been struggling to study. I miss the performing arts, and although writing is therapeutic, it feels a little wrong not to focus on my acting. That said, it was drama school that sent me to the mental hospital, so I suppose it's fair to not rush back into it.

Thanks for reading.