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You sound remarkably strong and aware. I am sorry for what you went through. It is extremely common...nearly 100%...of people who post on this forum believe they are not worthy to post here or what happened wasn't bad enough. It's never ever true. So just welcome to you. You'll find community here and support and empathy. Honestly receiving empathy and validation from the people on this forum who have been through so much has been more healing than anything.

Take your time posting in a way that is comfortable and healing to you. And welcome we're glad you are here.

I can't think of a better forum to start on. It's well moderated and very safe and supportive. Welcome again.

I actually start back to work tomorrow after a nearly 3 year break because of the ptsd symptoms. I'm quite anxious because there are a lot of triggers at work. It's a great workplace but just the nature of the traumatic things that happened makes work a huge trigger.

I'm sorry to hear of your roadblocks. Forestry does have a reputation for a sometimes difficult work climate (not meteorologically speaking, though that too)

Welcome.  I like it, your name.

I got a lot, too. I like that term. My parts parts have parts. 

Also in an environmental field with some overlap with forestry.

I think the studies did include people with severe and chronic trauma like child abuse as a substantial part of the cohort studied, not just 1 time trauma, MDMA studies at least. I think of that a bit as a marker of likely cptsd.

I've come to a point where I have tried nearly everything whole heartedly and for a long time...cbt, dbt, mindfulness, somatic, emdr, and ifs. I have 90 min sessions a week sometimes more when needed for 5.5 years, and added an additional therapist 50min a week for about a year. I still have extreme symptoms when triggered that I can't control.

I'm giving it another 6 months and if I'm still in the same boat I'm going to start the process of finding mdma assisted therapy. It won't be a silver bullet but I think it will help soften the barriers and make the emdr and ifs more effective and quicker.
 

 

I'm glad you allowed yourself to write this Hope. It's really important.

I think there's inner wisdom and when it's time to reach out to a therapist you will. You've done a ton of really important work regulating your nervous system and that will really help make great use of your time when you do see a therapist.

And when you do...you don't need to go into the difficult stuff right away or quickly.

That's a lot of stuff to be sifting through Dollyvee. Just wanted to leave a if that's helpful.

I'm so happy you spoke up as I know there were others listening who needed to hear that.

Very understandable to feel wrecked by this dynamic and loss

Maybe just a short "really dad?" Let him know you see his BS. Then whatever you want to do with that relationship go ahead and do it. My sister uses this phrase a lot...it's not my style but I tend to give people more benefit of the doubt than is deserved..."when people show you who they are the first time, believe them"

Oh wow geez that's even worse...you've been no contact for NINE YEARS from her and he sent that? I think I was maybe assuming it was still a pretty new concept to him. Goodness. That is an ungodly amount of denial and gaslighting from him in that case. Geez. And gross...with the situation with his current wife you definitely wouldn't want to make my sarcastic quip about a new mom.

    

 

I'm a sacracstic *** so I'd probably write back "what mom? You mean the one who we talked about being abusive? Nope, not celebrating with that one. Got another mom for me I should know about?"

Or softer: "Dad we talked about my relationship with mom and how harmful it was, remember? Mothers Day is pretty difficult for me and causes a lot of grief and it really hurts that you would ignore that. I wish I had a mom that I could spend the day celebrating with, but I don't. It would help if you would acknowledge the difficult truth here."

I'm sorry he sent that. He is either guilt tripping you or really wants to pretend everything is fine.

Knowing out histories helps so much.

 

You aren't crazy. Badly badly injured. I'm sorry.