Hope66's Journal

[sanmagic7]

i gotta go with blueberry on this, a bit of confusion as to why she'd want you to read something that she knows you don't believe in.  it sounds like a manipulation of some sort to me.  something to hook you into conversation with her, or to get a relationship started again, albeit in a neg. way.

i'd be wary of this as well, like your friends.  it doesn't sound healthy at all for you.  just my two cents' worth.  i'm concerned for you.

diplomacy is nice, but i have to admit that i'm not always diplomatic when i think people are attempting to coerce me into something i don't want to be a part of.   my hub always told me that 'no' means 'no', and to certain kinds of people any wavering gives them the idea that you're still willing to consider it.  when they think that, they'll keep coming back, hoping to wear you down.

please be careful.  something doesn't ring right to me.  warm, loving hug to you, hope.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry, Sceal & SanMagic,
Thank you all for your comments regarding my situation regarding my sister's unusual beliefs - I found them all helpful - thank you so much.

Journal Entry for 27th October 2017

I tried to tread very sensitively and carefully in wording my reply to my sister's E-mail.  I was going to leave it a few days, but I felt that an interim solution would be to clarify with her why she wanted to know my views - bearing in mind that we fell out about things this time last year - and I attempted to word an E-mail that conveyed that sensitively - I asked my partner to read it, and also a friend before I sent it, and they both reassured me that it wasn't at all inflammatory and hopefully she would reply in a reasonable way.

However, she didn't.  She replied the same day - and she was ANGRY - she told me she basically doesn't care what I think - she expressed some quite pointed and angry stuff.    Then after she had vented her thoughts and feelings, she concluded by saying "you can either read it or delete it.  It does not bother me at all."  I think she was referring to the blog she'd sent from her friend, rather than her actual E-mail - but I can't be sure!

Anyway, I am definitely 'stepping back' and I'm going to take some time to think about what to do next - my partner thinks that maybe we shouldn't communicate apart from Birthdays and Christmas, but I think back to my therapist saying to me (when I was LC with my FOO (parents)) and was still sending cards - she said to me 'Why are you doing that?' - and I think the same would be true if I went LC with my sister - then in effect, what is the point of communication - but maybe this is the whole point - maybe she is finding it tough to tolerate being in contact with me, just as I am finding it challenging with her.  I do suspect that her sending me the information and asking me to comment, when she knows I don't feel the same as her about things, was a manipulation of some kind - as if she was 'baiting me' to argue with her.

I really tried not to take the bait, and I tried to just ask her why she wanted to know my thoughts - and even that was taken as a cricitism by her, and she expressed anger.  I realise that it can be difficult sometimes to understand the tone and what someone intended when sending an E-mail - but she said quite a few very angry sounding things - almost as if she thinks I am stupid and I'm not 'seeing the light' like she is.

I feel as if my fingers are burned now, and I feel a sense of shock throughout my system, but at another level I am not wholly surprised by this. 

The last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings, but I don't want to roll over and just accept her views and leave them unchallenged, especially if she is asking me specifically what I think - but I suspect she only wants to hear my views if I am agreeing with her, and I don't want a co-dependency with her - I don't want to be controlled by her, and I don't want to enter an unhealthy relationship - and I fear that is what it is turning into.

She actually said in her E-mail "If I talked to you openly you would not understand, like you didn't before, so I watch what I say" - this is a frustrating situation - and I feel hurt by how this is turning out, but I really think that she wanted us to face this issue again - and she pushed for it.

Anyway, I feel a bit better for coming and 'letting this out' in my journal - I have really appreciated the comments that people have made, and it has helped me enormously to cope and have the strength to face these things - and I am being cautious and trying to protect myself.

Ironically I didn't actually tell her what I thought of the information she shared - for the reason that I didn't want to upset her, but somehow just asking her why she wanted to know my thoughts, when she knows we have disagreed in the past, made her very angry - or at least she appeared to be angry and very defensive in response.

Maybe it's like her beliefs are a 'faith' that she can't allow to be challenged in anyway?  Like, she isn't open to even discussing them?  She thinks I am 'blind' to the truth, and therefore I can't understand.

She has already told me that she thinks that education and school represent 'brain-washing' of children and adults, so I suppose that she believes me to be brain-washed.   She minimised my own experiences and education and training by saying 'what you've learned in your little book' - which I thought really told me that she doesn't regard my experience as being at all relevant - she made me feel very small.

Anyway, I realise I feel upset, I feel some anger within myself, and I should try to allow those feelings to settle - work through them, and hopefully become calmer.

I have decided I won't reply till next week - I've made that a rule for myself, to stop myself 'rushing' into a reply until I've thought it through.  So I'll wait and see how I feel as time goes on.  I am not sure what I want to do, but I do intend to reply to her at some point. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

  I am sorry that your sister is being so difficult. It's strange behavior to ask for your opinion and when you try to give a kind one back she blows up in your face. Siblings can be difficult to be around, and I think in your case it's even harder for the two of you to have a connection due to your history.

Taking a step back sounds like a wise move. I hope you'll be able to take care of your own needs and set the boundaries that are important to you.
I wish you the best.

[Three Roses]

I had to tell my sister in law that I wanted a two way relationship of give and take, and not all give on my part. We've since been estranged and are very careful around each other now. I do love her tho it's still a distant relationship. I'd like it to be closer but I am not interested in the sacrifices I feel I'd have to make for us to be closer.

The strange part is, I know she feels the same. I know I've hurt her, too, without meaning to. It's all just misinterpretations, and seeing each other through the clouded filters of our individual expectations.

There is a middle ground for us but we will both have to be willing and able to talk openly, to reach it.

[sanmagic7]

i guess i'm a bit more battle-weary of these kinds of communications than some.  i just don't have a lot of tolerance for people who ask my opinion then blow up at me if i don't give them the one they want.  i see that as game-playing.  and, the fact that her reply was something that made you feel small, hope, flies red flags for me.  i guess i just don't like how's she's treating you.

just my opinion, and i totally support you in what you want to do with this relationship.   again, please be careful.  there are already signs that something's not healthy here for you, at least to my mind.  big hug, hope, filled with concern and clarity.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal, Three Roses & SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your support and helpful replies - you have all helped me - and I am currently taking a step back before I respond to my sister - some breathing space, and chance to think a little before making a reply to her.  I really am thankful for being able to reflect about things in this forum, it is a precious thing.  Thank you all.

Journal entry for 28th October 2017

So, I am taking a step back before replying to my sister, and that feels like the right choice, not only in terms of ensuring I don't respond in too much 'haste' - and also allowing me to process, reflect and think about things.  But at the same time, I want to focus on 'my weekend' - because I have things I need to do - and I'd like to be able to look back on the weekend and think that I've managed to 'do' some things.  I'm hoping to have a mixture of things - some domestic stuff - which I feel has to be done, but also some time for 'me' - a time when I'm not ruminating about FOO issues - and can focus instead on 'being in the moment' and enjoying some peace and some positivity.  I'd also like to read more of Pete Walker's book - as that will be enjoyable to do - so I need to make some time to do that as well. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Just popping in here again - I've been reading and 'researching' the person my sister told me about - and the more I read the stuff by that person, the more worried I become about my sister's beliefs.  I really think it's incredibly 'out there' 'conspiracy theory' stuff, and I've also read about other people she seems to idolise and follow, and I am similarly convinced the more I read that she is actually surrounding herself with some truely weird stuff.  I always thought I was 'open-minded' but this has challenged my acceptance of things - I don't feel I can accept the things I've been reading about.  It's completely different to anything I've ever thought or considered. 

I feel a multitude of emotions when I think about all of this - because I had hoped for my relationship with her to sustain and grow, but I realise that we've lived separately for over 4 decades, we don't know one another - and we are very different.

I'm so glad that I have given myself time - and taken a step back - because it's good to try to process these things.  I am thankful that I don't think I've said anything disrespectful or upsetting to my sister - I have always phrased what I've written to her in as sensitive a way as I can, and I've checked that out with my partner and occasionally my close friends - but even when I've tried to tread as carefully as I can, she cannot tolerate any challenges - even very small - and that's difficult.

I'm going to try to distract myself from focusing on this now for the remainder of the weekend, as it's really triggering me emotionally - I just wanted to write about this - and it has helped.  I think I'll go and watch some TV and relax that way. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 29th October 2017

I can't believe the number of times I've dropped things today - it's like gravity is working against me - I've dropped berries all over the floor, numerous kitchen implements, I've dropped a glass (thankfully plastic), but I managed to break it!  I've cut myself by accident with a knife.  It reminds me of numerous 'accidents' that would befall me in the past, and how I think my sub-conscious mind used to scupper me, and I would end up hurting myself.  Lately, I've been more 'careful' - 'more considerate of my self' - but today it was like a 'rewind button' had been struck, and I am determined to try to ensure that tomorrow I return to being more careful again.

I know it's due to feeling stuck regarding my sister - I have been trying not to let it get to me, but of course it has been affecting me in many ways.  I've ended up in tears and feeling as if I can't cope - and I nearly backed out of a social meeting today - but thankfully was able to cope sufficiently to attend it.  I was relieved about that.  But it took a lot of strength to pull myself together to face the outside world.

I think it's been good to get the emotion out - and to let myself cry - I say 'let myself' - I really couldn't stop myself from crying - it just happened, as I felt the frustration of everything surfacing.  What I'm realising is that my sister's behaviour towards me is very reminiscent of my FOO's treatment of me - there are definite similarities, and whilst she assured me when we got back in contact that she 'wasn't like them' - I think there are some definite similarities.  She has ended up believing that she heads up a cult-like organisation - that she is the top person in that hierarchy, and that reminds me of narcissistic behaviour - wanting to control and 'head up' something.  She won't tolerate even a slight query about her beliefs - and infact, when she knows we think differently, she has actually pushed her beliefs my way again, but wanting me to comment on the writings of one of her 'friends' - I think he is someone who is manipulating people for money and material gain, and I dislike that - it's like they are preying on potentially vulnerable people. 

I re-read her E-mail to me today, and thought that her words suggest that she was pushing a tirade of aggressive reaction towards me.  See, I'm even tying myself up with my language here - I can hardly formulate what I want to say.  I feel shocked by it.   I realise that my anger has surfaced, and to be honest, I don't feel angry very often - it's a trait I tend to repress, as I wasn't allowed to show that when I was a child, but I know it was there - and it is still there in me as an adult, but I don't access it very often.  I've usually been passive, more codependent and looked to serve other people's needs. 

But I know there is a strength in me, because if there wasn't, I would never have been able to go NC with my FOO - and I would never have felt the strength to seek out my sister, and find her after 4 decades of separation.  I didn't know what I would find, and I've been communicating with her for over a year now - nearly 2 years I think.  But it's becoming evident to me that our contact isn't really doing either of us any good - at least that is how it feels - but it's tough - it's tough to know how best to proceed, and what to 'do'. 

I am 'stepping back' and I am waiting to see how I feel after time passes.  I think I'll wait at least a week.

I feel really sad, because I think that part of me wanted a positive and happy ending, but the thing is that my FOO is extremely dysfunctional, and both of us (my sister and I) have come out of our upbringing with issues that are hard to address, and trying to establish a relationship is proving difficult - I think it is difficult for both of us.



That about says how my head has felt at points today.  And part of me feels like  this  (how apt for Halloween approaching... my attempt at a joke there ha ha).

I actually think this is good that I'm getting some emotion 'out' - so I think this is progress.  I am sure I will feel better for it, and maybe tomorrow will be a positive and better day - and I won't be dropping things, and having accidents - that's my bad day over - I really hope so. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

It's good to see that you are processing your thoughts and emotions. It can be nothing short of difficult and challenging to be in the situation you are with your sister now. Deciding how to move forward and such.

I can relate to not allowing anger to surface. I can argue with my roomie, but no one else. It took me years to learn how to fight with him. To stand in the anger when it comes. But anger relating to other things doesn't surface. It's so hard to know what to do with it. But I've learned that we all feel anger, and it's a fundemental emotion that serves a purpose. I hope in the long run, we can both feel healthy doses of anger again.

[sanmagic7]

i don't doubt your mind is filled with thoughts about your sister, so it would make sense that doing everyday chores could be challenging.  hard to be mindful of what you're doing in the 'now' when your mind is battling somewhere else. 

still standing with you as you make these decisions.  sending warm and supportive hugs.

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for what you said, I really find it validating that you talked about expressing anger - it is definitely something that I struggle with - but I have definitely found some surfaced over the weekend.  After anger, came tears, and I think it did me good to get that 'out'.  I do feel better today - I should do more of that - processing those emotions that I repress and push aside normally. 

Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you for the warm and supportive hugs - they mean a lot, and also for standing with me - I do feel you alongside me, and it makes me feel stronger.    You're right, my mind has been battling somewhere else, and focusing on my sister, and also all the issues surrounding my sister, and my FOO in general - and I'm aware that it's felt a bit over-whelming, but that essentially I've got through the weekend, and processing things and letting out some emotion has been good for me.

Journal Entry for 30th October 2017
I am continuing to 'take a break' from responding to my sister - trying to balance my thoughts and feelings, and processing my emotions.  Trying also to concentrate on chores I need to do, things that I need to concentrate on - and trying my best to achieve those things.  I've managed.

I wandered through the 'healing porch' last night, and it felt very emotional to do that - tears were streaming down my face, but I was thinking - 'This place is so special - such a great place - even though I haven't ever commented in that place yet, I've visited it a few times, and read what people write there - and somehow it triggers a very intense feeling inside me - I can't name that feeling, but it's powerful.  Maybe it's too visceral to describe.  I don't know.

I've been able to read more of Pete Walker's book "Homesteading" and it's a very interesting read so far.  I feel like I'm learning and understanding more about Pete's life and there are parts of the book that I relate to.  I may write about some of those things at some point, but for now, I'm just enjoying reading the book.

I feel better in myself today - I found the weekend tough - but I know I needed to sit with my feelings and process them, and it was only that way that I could feel and process my anger and reach my tears.  I think it did me good.  But I didn't enjoy it at the time - it was hard. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!
I am glad I could help you a little!

I haven't had the will or energy to read anything outside my curriculum these past months, but I miss reading for just the sake of exploring. It's good to hear you're enjoying Pete Walker's book. I haven't read any of his yet. It's good to allow yourself to just enjoy something. Keep it up!
I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling better today. Processing feelings are such a hard job, but you did it! A big step forward! A friendly hug your way, if you want one

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal,
I very much hope that you are able to read something for your own enjoyment at some point soon, as that is what you have enjoyed doing in the past.  You sound very busy with your curriculum - that must be tough to try to do that alongside processing stuff.

Journal Entry for 31st October 2017

I feel more anxious generally - I feel less able to focus and process things calmly - I guess I feel more 'angst' inside but at the same time, I think that's normal in the circumstances - i.e. battling with what to do in relation to responding to my sister.

I spoke to my partner today, and that was helpful - we talked things through, and he was very supportive to me - which he always is.  We talked about the fact that today I thought I saw my F in a supermarket - literally a man who looked 'just like him' - it could have been him, but I've not seen him for a few years now, and I was scared to see him there, wondering if it was actually him - but then I realised I was being hypervigilant to people who look 'like him' and I noticed many more men walking around who looked similarly to him.  But it was uncanny how much he looked like him.

I am pretty sure it wasn't him though!  His stance and behaviour in the shop was different to what I would expect from my F. 

What I was pleased about was the fact that if I had suspected he was there in the past, I would have really frozen, and 'run away' to escape out of the supermarket - and I didn't - I hid behind something, but I didn't rush off and escape the shop - I stayed and finished my shopping.  That is progress - because I reached a stage when I was very anxious and would avoid and run away.

I have just been re-reading my 'recovery letters' that I wrote - the one to my sister, and the one to my FOO and to my M.  It was helpful to do that.  At the moment, my anxiety levels are higher, but I can see by my letters that I have been making progress with things - I have been sharing things in the forum, and people's responses have been so validating and helpful.

I feel stronger for having this supportive place to come and off-load - and I feel like I want to venture out into other parts of the forum again, and interact more - because I know I will get a lot out of it if I do - I just need to feel brave enough and hopefully be able to write what I want to say. 

I often feel 'tongue-tied' and yet when I read back things I've written, I am 'impressed' that it appears fluent and articulate - and yet I didn't feel like that at the time I often write things.  Sometimes I feel like I can't speak.

I'm glad I've written something today, as I wasn't sure I was going to write anything - but I came here, and now I have! 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, you're such a sweetheart.  i can feel that vibe off you thru the screen. 

i think you're doing wonderfully well with all that you've got on your mind.  and now thinking that you might start venturing out to other parts of the forum.  good for you!  that's a step forward in itself.

the intensity of your feelings at visiting the healing porch - it is a magical place and full to overflowing with caring, support, comfort, and soothing gestures to others.  really, it has everything we've ever needed and didn't get.   i've shed tears many times because of what i've discovered there. 

i'll be there tonight.  if you decide to visit, and you'd like some gentle company, i'd be happy to just sit with you and look around, enjoy who and what's there.  i'm thinking of carving a pumpkin for halloween there, set it on the railing.  a little bit of fun.  big hug to you, hope. 

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
I read your reply to me last night, just before I went to bed, and I want you to know that your words meant a LOT to me - I felt emotional reading them.  You are a lovely person - I hope you know that!   
I'm still trying to process why I feel so emotional about just 'walking around' that Healing Porch in a virtual sense - it makes me feel so tearful when I do - because I guess it makes me realise all the mothering qualities that I've missed in my life - it highlights my grief for those things - and makes me feel extra sensitive and emotional.  I was thinking about it today - and that is what came to mind.  It is deeply touching at an emotional level - but also evokes a deep and intense feeling.  Highlights my feelings of vulnerability too.
But I did pop over to the Healing porch - again in a virtual sense, and just knowing you were there with that lovely Carved Pumpkin - it was really comforting and I feel sure I slept better last night as a result of knowing that.  So thank you.   

Journal Entry for 1st November 2017
I have had a more productive day today - that has felt good.  I've done things I wanted to do, a mixture of things, and feel I coped quite well with them.  I am relieved, because I had felt out of control over the weekend, and clumsy and making mistakes and having small accidents.  Thankfully I was calmer today.   

Hope