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Yesterday mr. T asked me if I planned on losing more weight. I said yes, at least two more kg. He said I shouldn't. I am about to vanish. At the time that made me feel good, but also confused. I am still 10 kg overweight. I am not about to vanish.

Later that day Mum also commented on me looking smaller.

Today my GP asked the same thing.

I guess I have lost some cm, but the scale says otherwise.

The day started okay. I had a checkup with my GP and had some blood drawn. She asked me how my mental health is, and I said it's been alright. Stable, with some bad days Inbetween, but probably more in a normal way like normal people have it.

Work was okay. I was leading a meeting Infront of my boss and one supervisor. And I even managed to express loudly and confidently that it's not okay to be stigmatized as a mentally ill/sick person. That marketing for the workplace needs to be more uplifting and focus on what's important: the art. Not the illnesses.

I did okay with printmaking. I made a bunch of mistakes, got some help in trying to figure it out. And that worked.

Went to the gym. Had my first session and was fairly unfocused. Struggled with turning the body-mind connection on.

The second lesson was much more fun. The guy I've been crushing on has started talking more to me as well. But then I kicked my foot. I didn't notice until the end, until we were doing jump-lunges. It just started hurting. And I knew I wouldn't be able to finish. So I left. Feeling stupid. Miserable. Nauseous and grumpy. Really disappointed in myself. Lunges and jumping are two things I struggle a lot with, and having to do them combined I was both fearing and ready to conquer.. but I couldn't. And I just felt... Useless. Inadequate. I felt like a fool. And the guy followed me out to make sure I was okay, like he kept asking me if I was sure. I just smiled and said of course just minor injury. It happens.
I wanted to cry.
I desperately wanted a hug.

So I closed off.

I packed up the stuff and changed and sat waiting in silence away from people nursing my foot and my emotional pain. I suppose it's s good thing they were all ignoring me. Otherwise I would have started crying and made a bigger fool out of myself.

And it feels so stupid. It feels so stupid to react like this. No one else will care!

Thank you, Tee 

Dear San,
I think we are so often used to think "what if it doesn't go okay?" More than what if it will turn out okay. It is easier to deal with making a contingency plan for failure than for success.. for what do you do when you reach that success? Is that it? Do you chase something else? How will it feel? How will I deal with it? Will I be a poor winner?  And.. what next?

But... What if we just.. try to think that it will be okay, one way or another. It might not be what we thought we wanted, but what if instead we got what we needed?

There's also something in psychology that says that negativity is a lot more contagious than positivity. It is harder to remain positive and upbeat, especially if everyone else is bringing you down. But at the same time.. a smile, a genuine smile, is also contagious. Much like jawning.

I went to a social event yesterday, where my crush was going to be. I am the new girl, I am also the oldest. For some I am 5 years older others I am 12 years older. It doesn't quite feel like it, perhaps because I know I don't look it. And I know they mostly forget.
I got quiet though, I didn't know what to say, so I mostly sat to myself and just observed and listened. I'm not good at parties if I can't dance.
I'd like to dance.  I'm not good at it, but I don't care about that anymore.

I feel okay.

I fixed my hair. I got an early birthday present. I had coffee with a friend.
And I had my martial art.

I have pushed my body hard this week.
I've made stronger connections to some of the gals. My feet hate me for this week though. Blisters on both, and they itch and they burn and they are painful. Even if I am not walking on them.

I don't really know what's happening right now.
Either there's just a lot of positive things around me that I am just embracing. Or I am on my way into another mini-manic state.
I don't think I have been this active for so long without burning out.
In one way I can see the headlights steering right for me, but at the same time I have this crazy thought in my mind: what if... What if those headlights aren't a train about to bulldoze me, but two friends on bikes trying to catch up with me to hang out?

What if... What if everything will be okay?

I am an impatient, stubborn person.
Two qualities that doesn't really work well together. I don't mind the stubbornness so much, it gives me less grief than the impatient. I've been forced to be patient over and over and over and over again. Things keep being delayed and I keep not getting answers.

I want to write more, bit I don't really have much more to say

I just want to pop by and congratulate you on being able to quit smoking.
That can be a hard thing to stop doing, especially during such trying times that you are going through rn.

Sending you thoughts.

Thank you San, and I am sorry you had similar situations throughout your life. I hope they are ovr for you now, as they are for me. And that eventually - we'll become fully recovered.

I am tired, and exhausted. It's been a super long week, and it's only Wednesday. It's not that it's been a bad week. It's been a confusing week. And I'm stressed, beneath the surface I can feel the stress bubbling away.
I know it's unhealthy for the body, and for the mind, but when I don't really understand where the stress is coming from - then how can I deal with it?

Last week I performed badly at everything I did. I didn't give up, I kept going,I tried to slow down and do things anyway, but I had this lingering feeling that I just... couldn't perform. And that's okay. Some weeks are going to be like that. I just have to accept them, but I am terrible with accepting things I don't want to do. I really am.

This week I've done better. I've been more engaged, I've pushed harder even if I've got blisters beneath my feet and bruises on my legs and hands. Yesterday when I got home I could barely walk, I needed help getting undressed. It was rough. I was so certain that I'd be completely crushed today. I haven't been, I'm tired yes. But that's not strange at all. But what I also am, is emotional. Insecure, vulnerable. I don't like it, (who does?) I wish there were things I could do to regulate it better. But that too costs energy.
I have homework to do this week, loads of it. I've started, but I'm not even halfway through. I hope I can get some done tomorrow morning, because otherwise I wont actually be able to finish it on time. And that's... well, that'll be a new experience I guess. But the only one who'll miss out on it, is me. As I will be underprepared, and I wont have learned.

I have a crush, like I think I've mentioned before. It's not as bubbly as it was in the beginning. Perhaps because I am getting so many vague and mixed signals. I can't really read him, and I can't really reach him.  It makes me feel alone so much more. I keep wanting a hug, so desperatedly. Or being held. Or kissed. Or just flirted with. But most of all, god how I miss a hug. I guess I didn't quite realise how much they actually mattered to me, those I got on occasion from friends. How much they kept my loneliness at bay. But now, everytime I lie down, every evening. He and a hug is all I think about.
I wish he'd notice me.
I don't know if he is a good man, or if he is mature enough. Or if we'd even be a good match.
But I do know that having a flirt would be good for me.  The bonus with him is that I know he is equally as busy as me in the evenings most of the week. So it wouldn't be a "demand" to see him all the time. He wouldn't cancel his time for the benefit of me, and neither would I feel like I had to for him. It'd be a relief.

San:
For me, I didn't realise what was happening - when it was happening. Which is why it makes me feel small and stupid. I feel like I should have understood what was going on. I should have reacted to all the red lights. Because there were plenty, I guess they werent bright enough for me to notice them. Or the need to belong to someone was greater than the danger they posed at the time.

Tee:
I wonder if it's part of a coping mechanism. It is easier to blame ourselves, because at least that's something we can control in the situation. We can control how much blame we feel on our own situation?

---

I've been focused a lot on identity lately. It is a topic that is both intriguing intellectually, but also something I have struggled with personally and emotionally.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? What to others think of me? How am I perceived? Am I this person?
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I am getting there.

I was listening to a recording today, of me and my mentor. She records it for me, due to my memory gaps, to help me troubleshoot things.
And I was listening to it. And a few thoughts popped into my mind.
1) I hate listening to myself, but I don't hate it as much as I used to.
2) I sound so un-enthusiastic!  And I think that is due to a) I was very tired and on my period and b) It was late and I don't want my family to overhear our conversations.
3) I sound incredible insecure. I keep bringing up my health, my worries, and my inability to do things. Rather than the things that I can do.
4) I don't speak with conviction. Even when I have figured out something that interests me, I don't talk about it with convictions.

To Notalone,
Thank you. That is a good point. It is easy to judge the little one see, be it both for good or for bad.
And you're right. I have made progress. In more ways than one.

However this week, this week has been emotional. I'm lonely. I keep fantasizing about this guy, but at the same time.. I don't quite know how to talk to him, or if I should even bother. Even if I knew how to talk to him, it's.. I wouldn't know what to say. It feels awkward and transparent.

[TW: cult, identity, abuse]

Thank you Tee and San,
I've read your replies, and I admit I forgot to come back and reply to them. But I need to write about other things today.

--
TW: cult, identity, abuse


I am talking to Mr. T at the centre for sexual abuse about identity these past few weeks. It's a topic that both he and I find very interessting. I've gone through a lot of changes this year, and in many ways I feel a lot stronger. A lot more secure in my self, in who I am. I still don't really know who I am, and what that really means. I don't know what all of my values are. What are the things I truly believe to be true and right, and not just following what others seem to think is the best direction. I have tested a lot of boundary work this year. I've practiced setting boundaries. Over and over again.
I've allowed myself to feel actual, proper anger.
I've lost a lot this year. But not as much as others. It's not a competition, so it doesn't really matter who has lost more or less. Every loss is hard, painful and heartbreaking.

It took me a while to really miss Lady T. But I miss her now. I think she would have been proud of me. Of how far I've come since she saw me last. I think her decision of ending the therapy was the right one, and I think I am now a lot closer to be able to come back to her and do the trauma-therapy that I really do need. I think I am a lot closer to be able to handle that. And that for me, is big.

I've been watching a documentary about a religious cult from a different country. Most of the abuse there was psychological, there was some violent one too. And although my experience in the "cult-like group" I was a part of... was very similar. I could feel that fear these people were talking about in the documentary. I can feel their shame. Although, for some reason, they seem a lot more healed, gathered than I feel I am. Perhaps that was just the few of them who let them selves be interviewed. There were many more involved that didn't interview. Maybe because their damage is too deep, too hard. But sitting there, afterwards, understanding how awful things went, how bad it really was... and wondering "but why didn't I stop it sooner? Why didn't I leave?". I feel those questions.
Why didn't I see?
I know I wasn't capable of. I know I didn't have any other perspective to give. No one was really fighting hard for me to realize it at the time either. But I probably hid the things that happened really well. I didn't have words that they were wrong. I didn't understand they were wrong, because... I didn't think I had the right to say what was right or wrong. I was wrong, so how was I one of authority to say that this is not how to treat someone else. Stop treating me this way.

I am exhausted watching this documentary. I was hoping it would give me some relief, lessen some of the shame that I feel when I think back on all the things I didn't see, all the things I let myself be exposed to. All the times I didn't just leave. I feel to blame for the manipulations, brainwashing and sexual abuse I was a victim of.
And I don't think I will feel differently about this until I get to process this part in therapy with Lady T.

Glad that your T listened to you, San. And that you felt a good connection with her/him.
I hope it'll be a continued positivity in your life.

Sending you warm, happy thoughts. I hope you get some relief soon, some answers.

Hugs to you both!

I don't know what's going on.
I have structure on my life now. I have gym Monday-Thursday. I have work at the workplace 2 times a week. I have a social life.
I have a class once a week with a bunch of homework for that keeps me busy.

I haven't had this steady, positive structure in my life for years.

So why am I nauseous, why am I spacing out and dissociating? Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel so vulnerable and so alone.
Why do I feel so utterly inadequate?

Yesterday was really good. I had good progression at work, and I had did really well at the gym. And I felt amazing after the gym.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. Not really. I finally got dressed around 1. Because I needed to pick up a package. Turns out I have to send it in return.
I ate loads of crap today.  I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't want to work, so I didn't. I wanted to just sleep. But I knew if I did, I'd just stay up all night tonight, and I got to be up early for an appointment.
I went to the gym today. The beginning was good. Chatting away with some people. It felt nice, friendly. Normal. The instructor told me and another gal that if there'll be more and more newbies coming in then she and I might have to wait out - because we're ahead of them, and slightly more advanced I guess.
At the time it felt good. Like we are doing better, we have progression.
But now that I'm home, I feel insecure.
Like I am being pushed aside a little.
I also feel dissapointed in myself. I'm not doing well enough. I'm not able to push harder. I'm not impressive.
and I hate that I crave their validation.
I hate that I crave his validation, his attention.

Thank you San.

Right now, I am struggling.
I noticed today I have swollen lymph nodes. I found out by accident. I was adjusting my scarf because I was cold and accidentally bumped into my lymph nodes in my throat, and they were quite tender. My ears have been bothering me for over a week now.
Not greatly, but enough to be noticed as a nuisance.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday.  But I am impatient.
I want to know if I can still go to the gym, or if I need to take a break.

I am meeting some old colleagues tomorrow for dinner, maybe I can message them and ask if I can pop by their work and take a crp test before we head out to dinner. A doctor friend said I should be careful pushing too hard on workouts if I got an infection that the lymph nodes are working on as it can be sent to the heart. In worst case scenario.
So I am freaking out.

I really don't want to miss a workout.
I kind of want to work out twice a day if I am honest. To try and maximise my progress. I want to be seen, to be validated.

I want to get good. I want to feel good. To feel strong.

But right now.
All I feel is: shame and weakness.
Shame because my body is fat. I'm not skinny and fit - so I worry they don't take me seriously.

Weak because I can't seem to push myself harder at the gym.
I give up too soon.

I don't know if I am having any good progression or not. I'm not really getting any feedback. And I don't know how to ask for it.

I don't have words of comfort today, but I will sit here with you. If you're up for it.

[**Trigger warning: SA**]

I've been feeling exhausted, nauseous, and achy all day. I've also not really wanted to be doing anything.
It took me a while.
But I think I know why. Despite the poor sleep.
It's because of the massive amount of socialization yesterday, and feeling like I didn't fit in properly. That I was stuck in some other body.
And it dawned on me.
I'm exhausted, and feeling *, and doesn't feel like this body belongs to me.. Because I'm stuck in a flashback.


**Trigger warning: SA**

We went to a jaccuzzi last night. I knew I didn't like them, but I'd forgotten why. I had literally forgotten why I hate them. And when we were in it, it was lovely. It was a beautiful sunset, good company, it was relaxing my sore muscles from my workouts.
It wasn't until a lot later, hours later actually, when someone else was talking about her bachelorette's party: and how her friends made her do stuff she really didn't want to and was anxiety filled. And I said out loud that wouldn't have been okay with me. I would have uninvited them to the wedding if they pushed my boundaries too far.
And it just came flooding back to me. The last time I was R*. It was a get-away week-end too. And booze and jaccuzzi was involved. I was terrified that whole week-end, I didn't really understand why I was so scared. I am not fully certain I understood I was scared either. If I were to guess today, I was dissociating in and out a lot. I drank. copious amounts. I didn't know how I was going to get through the night if I didn't. I knew he wouldn't listen, and maybe if I didn't remember then... it wouldn't be so bad?  Problem is.. the body remembers. And part of me remembers. Not in detail. I remember the hands under the bubbles in the jaccuzzi with the others in it. I remember being followed. I remember being served more and more drinks. I remember walking naked through the forest. And I remember waking up the next morning with the biggest bump on my head that I've ever had - without ANY recollection of what had happened. I kept asking people what had happened last night. I couldn't remember. and X came over to me in the end whispering to me that he and I had gone to the forest, and to stop asking questions. X's wife was there too. to me she was a threat as well, equally as dangerous as him - just in a different way.


** end of trigger warning*

So.. it's no wonder that today all I really, kind of want is a safe hug. But there's no one safe to actually hug me.
And there's a new guy at the gym that makes me nervous. I hope he wont be there tomorrow. I need to get this out of the system.
But I can't. I don't know how. I feel very alone.