I feel the need to write to you, FOO, and tell you some of the things that are upsetting me about the way you treated me when I was a child. Writing about my 'timeline' and some of my memories in my diary have brought up some pretty strong feelings, and I just want to 'let them out' - I think it will help my recovery to process them in this way - but I would like to say, there are 'Trigger Warnings'. Certainly, I have felt triggered by recalling these things, but I really want to 'get them out' and process them, and I do welcome anyone's replies/comments/feedback - which is why I'm sharing them in this thread.
So, I address this to my FOO - my parents (mother and father) - and I talk to you 'collectively' as if you are one unit, because I feel you both colluded in your behaviour.
You never told me the truth about things - you expected me to 'forget' and 'bury' any memories I had. You expected me to play the dutiful and obedient daughter. Meet your needs and deny my own. That wasn't fair of you. That wasn't right.
Did you know how 'alone' I felt at times in my childhood - to the extent that I ended up as a very young child having thread worms in my vagina - and feeling unable to tell you about them - because I didn't understand what they were or why I had them - but they were alive and wriggling, and made me feel uncomfortable, and yet I felt guilty if I killed any of them. This whole memory makes me feel so ashamed.
This whole memory has been intrusive sometimes, and has come back to me, and it mortifies me that I had to cope with that. That it even happened. I wish I could erase it.
I can't feel comfortable in my choice of clothes - because I don't feel able to wear skirts and dresses, because you abused my space and my sexual confidence when I was a child, a teenager and a young woman in my 20's. Here I am in my early 50's - and wish that someone had noticed and helped me to break away from you.
I feel toxically shamed whilst writing this - it hangs heavy on me, but I want to begin to 'talk about' this and express it, and 'get it out of my system' and hopefully leave all that disgust and shame behind. Because you know, I didn't do anything wrong - I trusted you - but I realise that you abused my trust, and you made me feel so alone and uncared for.
I was scared of you - I felt stifled and controlled by you. I felt like I was constantly 'walking on egg-shells' and trying to 'appease' you.
Trying to do what I thought you wanted me to do, and be who I thought you wanted me to be. But 'who was that'??? I don't know. The goal-posts changed, depending on your mood - how could I possibly keep up with that? It was an impossible task.
Each time I made friends in school - you broke those friendships up, by moving me to a new school - many times - you isolated me in that way - so I couldn't ever get too close to anyone - so I couldn't feel brave to ask for help. I never did, I kept things to myself, and pretended everything was fine.
I enjoyed writing my stories as a child, I think they were about Princes and Princesses and adventures like that, and my teachers praised me. So did you (M), but D burned my stories, and said it was an accident - but I wish I could read those stories now, to see what themes I might have been communicating within them - maybe I was expressing the trauma I was experiencing and maybe that was too risky for you. I don't know. Maybe it was just an accident, but I felt violated - and upset, and it wasn't right.
I feel upset, I feel angry, I feel traumatised - I feel so many things.
But I don't show those feelings - I live life and stay 'contained' and I don't think anyone knew - certainly noone came to rescue me, noone showed me compassion. So I felt alone.
Neglected, and abandoned. A sense of loss.
Interesting to reflect that as I write this, I have changed from feeling deeply affected - i.e. felt tearful, felt angry, but now I feel like I'm floating and dissociating from it. But I am glad I have written it - made some kind of start, as I really want to communicate these things, and share them with this forum, because I really feel the forum is a safe place to contain and validate things. So thank you, if you've read this far.
I don't think I can say more right now, but I feel ok for having written about this.
Hope :)
So pleased you could share Hope.
And for all of those younger you's.... :bighug:
Your FOO were unable to appreciate you.... which is waste of someone beautiful.... its time to be appreciated now....as you are here :hug:
Carry on with this if you can...
Thank you so much, Clarity. :hug:
I also had those little critters when I was about 8! Things like that were always dealt with as if
I was an embarrassment
I was a nuisance
I should somehow have avoided it/known better
This wether it was a physical or emotional problem. They made everything a problem! When really it was just life being life.
:hug:
Thanks for sharing that you also experienced those 'little critters' when you were small as well, Clarity.
I wanted to reflect on some of the intense emotions I felt after writing this yesterday - I got intense 'heat' and felt a host of 'inner critics' rising up to 'tell me off' for writing about my feelings - but you know, over time, their intensity lessened and fresh perspectives came out - i.e. that it's ok to express feelings, that having the validation of others helps - knowing I wasn't alone - even though I felt alone at the time.
I am feeling better today. So far so good.
I had been triggered quite badly by something else that had happened in the day - something someone had said. I wanted to write about it, but at the same time, I didn't feel able to - and I was sitting with uncomfortable feelings relating to that - and in the end I decided to write about my earlier experiences, because at least I could write about some of those.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel ok about what I shared. It felt great to hear someone validate it - and thank you again, Clarity - :hug: again to you. :)
Clarity, you are a beautiful human being, and I am glad you're here.
Hope :)
Its so great when we start to really see those small changes in ourselves... I am so pleased you are noticing them Hope :cheer:
Thankyou for the lovely words... and the hug. This can be a lonely journey and sharing here makes such an enormous difference!
Hope, I'm so sorry, can't write more now. :bighug:
Thank you Blueberry - I feel better for having written my letter to FOO - even though it caused me more emotion and angst during the process, I feel I've processed things better and made a small move forward. I feel better today. So far. :-)
I just wanted to try to communicate with 'clarity' - you had sent me a PM, and I wanted to reply, but couldn't see how to do that, and now I've checked your profile, I see you're a 'guest' so maybe that is why I couldn't send you a message...?
Anyway, clarity, I wanted to thank you very much for the PM, which I only saw today - you sent it on 22nd July - and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you! I wish I could reply to you, but I can't seem to be able to.
Hope :)