looking for relief

[Armee]

 

I'm so proud of you and impressed by your tenacity and ingenuity!

[sanmagic7]

notalone, lovelovelove your support for me w/ this.  thank you so.

armee, your kind words and generosity w/ them never fail to make my heart smile.  thanks.

pretty worn out today.  our holiday weekend was lovely in some ways, but marred by my D not feeling good.  it just breaks my heart that she's going thru this.  as we know, tho, that when either of us get down time from chaos and crisis, we melt down.  she's had migraines for 3 days, i had anxiety attacks last nite.  can't wait to get  back to my own little routine.

in my NN, i realized i need my F to say something about how pretty i was as a little girl.  that's something i didn't hear from either parent,and subsequently i never knew it about myself, but i needed it from him the most cuz he stuck me in that non-girlie mode w/ this incident.  to tired and beat to work on this anymore.  gotta go shopping. 

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so sorry, not to be told that you are pretty is such a deep wound. My parents always said how pretty my sister was but compared to her I was always the "ugly duckling" and it hurt more than most people can imagine. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't care about it that much (after all it's just appearance) and yet the truth is that it really did sting a lot and it still bothers me today, so I understand that you might be finding it difficult to deal with this.
I hope you can manage to work with this somehow and heal the pain this has caused you

[Papa Coco]

I'm so sorry to hear all this.

When the cruelty comes from our own parents, well, there is NO forgiveness in my heart for those parents. It's 100% intolerable, and in every situation. NO exceptions!

What the * is wrong with our parents? How could they not see that THEY are the villains in these situations? Since they treated our siblings better than us, then that means they knew HOW to be kind, and as far as I'm concerned, that means they knew what they were doing to the one they chose to abuse.

I think you all are beautiful souls, your kindness, which you extend to each other and to myself, is unmatched anywhere.

You are all, truly, "the Beautiful people" in this world.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs! Hopefully you can get back to your routine and feel a little better. I resonate with what you said. I don't recall my F ever saying anything positive about how I looked. I agree with Papa Coco; we may not post pics here, but we are beautiful people. We may struggle, but we still shine.

[sanmagic7]

M&H, thanks, yes, i agree it's been a deep wound.  my girly-ness was sabotaged from the get-go, giving me a hole in my being where it belonged.  what it might have done for my confidence as an adult . . . well, i can only imagine.  i hear my D talk about how she's always known she was pretty and it gave her an extra piece of who she was.  that's what i was lacking.  and i'm sorry you were left believing you were an ugly duckling.  i have no doubt you are not nor ever have been.   

PC, being told i was pretty would have gone a long way to establishing that it was ok to be a girl, to not be ashamed of my womanly attributes when they showed themselves, and to have more confidence rather than confusion when i was around boys/men.  it was very important to me.  when i asked my mom about it in later years, she said she didn't want to sound like she was bragging - a big deal for her.  and, i agree, everyone here is beautiful, people have beautiful souls, and w/ a beautiful personality (i've seen this happen both ways) people can become more physically beautiful as well.  thanks.

hey, CF, sorry you didn't get that affirmation from your F either.  it's hard to go out into the world thinking you're unattractive.  and, yes, i agree, we still shine no matter what.  thanks

very sick the past 2 days, stress flu, so it'll take me a while to recover.  talked this over w/ my T, told her my system is so overloaded w/ stress already that any kind, pos. or neg. (i've always loved the holidays, decorating, wrapping gifts, etc.) will overtake me and bring me down.  that's where i am now.  just a bit better than yesterday, but this will take a week to recover from. 

[Armee]

 

System overload sucks but also important to recognize it like you do and accept and adapt.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, san.  Hoping you feel better soon and that immune system perks back up. *shares warm socks and warm drinks*

[Blueberry]

   san. iirc you had a pile of blankets over on the Healing Porch? I'm getting one out for you now. It's warm and soft and it magically produces hot drinks w/o you having to get out of bed to make your own.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you as you rest.

[Snowdrop]

 

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you are okay and wish you much rest and recuperation, and hope that you get some lovely moments - restful ones, and whatever you need at this time.  Maybe some honey and lovely warming drinks.  Calm, rest and recovery - wishing all of those things for you. 

Also, sending you a gentle hug 

Wishing  you the best for 2023. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

armee, CF, blueberry, rainy, snowdrop, hope - thank you all for your comfort and care.

besides being stress sick, i am now heartsick as well, grieving a past relationship from 40 yrs. ago as well as my D1.  finally feeling the pain, the hurt, the loss.  2 very important relationships i thought would be so different for my life, my entire life.  i put them here, hoping to finally get over them both because they've been crowding my mind the past several days.  feeling now what i should have felt all those years ago - NC w/ D1 8 yrs. ago next month, and a life i thought would be my dream w/ both her and him.

i'm so out of sorts right now, it's difficult to be in my being.  my world was rocked both times, w/ both breakups, and i'm finally recognizing and feeling the pain and all the rest of it, and it's difficult to cope, to retain my sanity.  i wish i didn't have to bear this.

i wish i could trade all this for some light and bright, but the darkness continues to overwhelm me.

[rainydiary]

San, I am thinking of you and reflecting on how non-linear grieving is.  I hope these experiences and feelings lead to ease and peace.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  your words were comforting.

beginning to feel better.  i did some grieving/sobbing and i think that helped.  i know grieving is a messy time, and that's exactly what i felt like - a mess.  i think/hope at least some of it is taken care of now. 

i'm looking forward to continuing my NN.  still formulating what i'd need my parents to do for the next incident of crushing my girl spirit.  that had been reiterated several times in my life while still at home.  one christmas we got underwear, but the undershirts were actually for boys.  my dad slushed that off by saying 'well, they act like boys anyway'.  meaning me and my sister.  no gesture of returning/replacing them, nothing from my mom. 

enabling is so many things under the guise of nothing.  the enabler sits back and allows things to happen.  'not my fault, i didn't do anything'.  exactly.

whew, little new year's bitterness just popped out there.  as much as my F set things up for me, my M allowed it and is now taking a bigger place in my NN than i first thought about.

wishing everyone a less painful and distressing new year.  we've all been thru so much.   hoping for light and bright.