Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

I haven't been very good at replying to you guys. When you take the time to read my vulnerability and get back to me. I am sorry about that, but please know that I am thinking about you all and wondering how you are all doing. I am not in a place where I can read other people's journals right now. I need to be more stable for that.

Dear San,
I have tried the lists before..they don't really help me much, they tend to end up as brainstorming and it just gets me started.

I know I sound like I am on the verge of a mini-manic phase. But I am not convinced that that's where I am headed. It's too soon to tell I guess. I don't feel high on the world or think I am grandiose in any sense. Tbh, I don't think I am much of anything.

As for the Trust with the Lady T. It's exactly as you ask. Because he was in her workspace neighborhood. It doesn't take much to get my paranoia spinning. But because he was there I can't guarantee that he's not been to see her, and she can't tell me due to patient confidentiality. I don't think she'd breach that, but that doesn't mean he can't talk about me and influence her. And I know that it's stupid. I feel so rotten for thinking these thoughts because she had done nothing but been on my side these past (soon) three years that I have known her. It feels much longer tbh.

Jazzy: I found the name of the Roman who wrote that journal it was Marcus Aurelius. I haven't read more about him or about stoicism, I haven't had the time.

I agree with you, during manic phases everything feels great. Flooded by positive hormones. I miss that feeling, but I don't miss the consequences that tends to come afterwards. I'm not bipolar, so I don't get big highs. I've only had one tbh, and it was what they call a- I forget the word. I seem to be losing words alot today. But like a mini manic.

I haven't talked to Lady T yet. She's supposed to call me sometime this week to let me know when my next appointment is. I will have to figure out what I feel about her by then.

...

The weekend went fine. I slept less than I normally do. I think maybe around 4-5 hours a night. It's too little for me, as long as it doesn't last I will be fine. I finished the down jacket. It was a pain, I wouldn't recommend anyone opening up a down jacket to downsize it. Down everywhere. I also finished fixing my knitted sweater, started on the fancy trousers and a dress. I went on two leisurely bike rides. Cuddled the dogs alot. Read my book, sun bathed, made art.

Monday I went to work knowing I would have to face my new supervisor that I am still on the fence of. And my new co-workers...or rather one of them that I can't place. The new supervisor ended up being very helpful and taught me stuff and helped me troubleshoot some stuff. It was a very productive day. So I am warning up to her. She is okay, but I don't think I will connect with her. I found a way to avoid my new co-workers too. I can choose to do printmaking on Mondays. She's not there during Tuesdays. So then I get my room on my own again. I am considering changing from Thursday to Fridays. Then I will have peace too.  But Lady T would challenge me on this and say I am avoiding and Mr T would tell me I am being unfair and judge to fast. And they would both be right... I am not sure if Right Now is the time where I should or want to work on that particular bit though. It's not... I feel... A priority.

Mr T and I had a lengthy conversation today about paranoia and my increased suspiciousness. It was an interesting conversation, he is pushing me and my assumptions. I told him last session he could and he really went for it today. There will be a day when I regret this. He told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was. But he also said he finds it really interesting to talk to me. I asked him why (I have learned to sometimes ask why when people compliment me and I don't understand where it's coming from). He said it's because eventhough I get on the defensive and have all the answers ready he can also see that I am thinking and considering the things he says to me.

He also asked me about how suspicious am I of new people. I told him I don't know. How can I know if my carefulness is just that or if it is suspiciousness? It's automatic, it happens too quickly for me to always realize what I am doing.  But it got me thinking... What is normal level of suspiciousness? I guess it's cultural differences too. There are places where I can't just wander about without inciting suspicion in why I am there, even if all I do is paint or draw. And that makes sense. So when does it not make sense?

He asked me if my paranoia is genetic or if it isn't. I told him I don't know. I didn't (during the conversation) remember feeling paranoid before my involvement with "The Cult".  But I was. When I was 19-22or somewhere around there I would frequently believe that people were out to get me. For no good reason. But at those times I was under so much pressure I was in a psychotic episode. I kept hearing and seeing the shadows of attack dogs outside the buildings I was in. I kept feeling the buildings were going to crumble and fall ontop of me, I could hear the sirens of the police looking for me. I never knew why. I wasn't anyone special..I hadn't done anything. But those things doesn't matter at all in those moments. It's a breach of reality. It's The Truth, even if it's not actually happening. Even if doesn't make sense.
I had forgotten about those times. I haven't been thinking about those for years and years. Somehow it feels like someone elses life, not mine. But it was mine. And it is just 10 years ago. Not 20 like it feels like. I don't have a well defined sense of time. It confuses me and stress me out.

In two days I am going to be a hostess for 5 people coming from abroad. I am not prepared. It's not good timing, but they are coming and I will try to make the best out of it. Maybe it is a break that I do need.. maybe it'll break me further down. Well know by next week I suppose.

[Not Alone]

As for the Trust with the Lady T. It's exactly as you ask. Because he was in her workspace neighborhood. It doesn't take much to get my paranoia spinning. But because he was there I can't guarantee that he's not been to see her, and she can't tell me due to patient confidentiality. I don't think she'd breach that, but that doesn't mean he can't talk about me and influence her. And I know that it's stupid. I feel so rotten for thinking these thoughts because she had done nothing but been on my side these past (soon) three years that I have known her. It feels much longer tbh.

Sceal, what you are going through sounds horrible. Glad you are posting here and talking to Mr. T.

I know that you feel like you shouldn't have those thoughts about Lady T, but you do. Your fears are rooted in past reality, so understandable. My guess is that Lady T would understand that and not take your gap in trust personally. Also, if you do tell her what is going on with you, it is up to her to determine what she can or can't tell you. She might be able to give you reassurance without breaking patient/therapist confidentiality.

[sanmagic7]

i agree all the way with notalone.  i'm very sorry this is happening, these terrible suspicions and how they're hurting you.  i hope they settle down and give you some peace quickly.

sending love and a hug full of caring and comfort.   

[Jazzy]

Thank you for the name. I made a note of that. I hope it goes well with your visitors. Take care!

[Three Roses]

He told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was.

I've heard this before, too, when I wasn't feeling defensive. I think defensiveness is kind of my default when dealing with people. I've been misunderstood so much in my life (as all of us here have been) that it sends to be my go-to for interaction. 😞

[Sceal]

I know that you feel like you shouldn't have those thoughts about Lady T, but you do. Your fears are rooted in past reality, so understandable. My guess is that Lady T would understand that and not take your gap in trust personally. Also, if you do tell her what is going on with you, it is up to her to determine what she can or can't tell you. She might be able to give you reassurance without breaking patient/therapist confidentiality.

I got so desperate today I ended up calling my GP to get an appointment, luckily she was available today. And we talked about it. She said alot of the same things you're telling me, she also thinks it'd be good practice for me to tell her I mistrust her slightly now and I don't actually want to mistrust her.  All of me kind of just want to ignore this whole bit and move on. my GP said I could do that, but she thinks that'd make my therapy more ineffective. She might be right, and I dislike that

Thank you San and Jazzy. hug!

He told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was.

I've heard this before, too, when I wasn't feeling defensive. I think defensiveness is kind of my default when dealing with people. I've been misunderstood so much in my life (as all of us here have been) that it sends to be my go-to for interaction. 😞

Did you figure out what it is you're doing that makes it seem like you're on the defensive?

---
I went and checked who's been in my journal again. I ended up reading parts of my own patient journal. It's never a good read. It's hard. I read parts of my journal where they were debating various diagnoses on me. at one point they wrote they think I fit under several of them, but they chose to label me as cPTSD and Mixed PD.  I don't know what to think of it, made me feel quite sucky. I try so hard, I realize, to belong in the normal world. with normal healthy folks. I think I just fail all the time.

Good thing though, I went on a hike today and it was nice. lovely nature, peaceful. it was nice stretching the legs.
tomorrow im going to be a hostess for half a week. I'm suddenly nervous. i have managed to prepare almost everything. almost. the rest will just have to go as it goes. it's just friends anyway.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

i remember when you got that diagnosis thing going. the thing with c-ptsd is that it can present in so many different ways, and clinicians want their diagnoses to be neat and tidy.  i was originally diagnosed with anxiety disorder, then it went to bi-polar, major dep. - all over the map, really.  insurance companies want to know about diagnoses so they can determine how much help they'll pay for.  there's so much bull going on in a bureaucratic way with this stuff.  clinicians do the best they can, but they don't always know exactly what to do.

what i'm saying is that you are so much more than your diagnoses, sweetie.  honestly, you are, we are.  you are so individual, so sweet, so caring, and have been mightily wounded.  those wounds and neg. messages you've gotten about yourself, well, they are what you are working to heal from.  i'm ok with the label of c-ptsd for myself because it really is so broad, it leaves lots of room for what has happened, how i've responded to it, and what i want to do to heal from it. 

being a hostess with the mostess for several days (and several friends) seems like a pretty 'normal' type of thing to do.  you do those kinds of things a lot, and you're successful at them. 

maybe you don't want to hear this, but as a t myself, i agree with your GP about telling lady T how you feel.  since you know she's been in your corner for 3 yrs., you also know that your relationship with her has been working through both pos. and neg. times.  she sounds like she is on your side and would want to know how you're feeling.  i think it's so much harder struggling with these kinds of things alone.  whatever you choose to do, tho, i totally support you.

sending love and a hug filled with a good time w/ your friends.   

[Sceal]

Hey San 
The strange part is that I don't remember these times when I was re-diagnosed. It says it my journal that I was involved in discussing my diagnosis. I have no recollection of being suggested schizotyp affective disorder. That of course doesn't mean it didn't happen, I was probably too distanced from that time that it got stored in my long term memory. I hope that their final conclusion is the right one and that I actually don't have schizotyp.

You're right,  I don't want to hear it, but I also do want to hear it. 😝 I know I need to talk to her, but I am terrified that it will create a conflict, a wedge or that I would end up hurting/disappointing/offending Lady T... When she most likely hasn't even done anything.. she might possibly just have been in the vicinity of him. And that's not fair... But then... There is that small chance that he is trying to poison her against me. And it feel SO ridiculous to say that out loud. I just want to get rid of this feeling.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal,

i hope you don't have that particular malady, either.  i just remember you writing about your diagnoses, and you were quite upset at the time.  i can't say for sure, cuz i don't know you face to face, but a lot of symptoms for personality disorders are also symptoms for c-ptsd, which is only lately getting the attention it deserves.

i get it that it's scary to tell lady t your real feelings.  as a t, i honestly would want to hear about it, because all a client's feelings, thoughts, perceptions, etc. are important to the process of healing.  if i don't know what's going on, i can't help my client work thru it and get beyond it.  and, therapists can have a lot of different kinds of these scenarios between them and their clients - it's part of the therapeutic process.  you may feel ridiculous, but the trigger of your feelings is not ridiculous.  you suffered so much w/ that cult, it's not ridiculous that extreme feelings might come up.  again, tho, i support whichever way you want to go.

sending love, sceal, and a hug filled with strength.   

[Sceal]

I'm still hosting, but wanted to pop by. It is wonderful to have them all visiting. So many good conversations without them being super deep, complicated or with tricky themes. But fun, nerdy stuff from various ages with people who doesn't judge.

One of my friends here I have known for 15 years now. And I have always know if that I a fiercely loyal to him, and also protective. Although he has never needed either, not from me. And that might be why. Or part of it. It's great getting hugs from him and I wish I would dare to ask for more of them. But I am worried it would send the wrong message.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for dropping in and letting us know it's going great.     i never had a doubt - you do this kind of thing really well.  love and hugs, sweet sceal,

[Sceal]

The weekend went beyond expectations.
I miss them already. Actually I missed them when they left.

I was going to write about the week-end and the surprising emotions around it and discoveries thereabouts. But instead I ended up in yet another huge fight.
I don't think I've ever raised my voice this loudly before. I yelled the big word. the R* word I've not been able to even pronounce or even write before. It just came out. I wasn't even filled with rage. I'd just had enough. Enough prodding and prodding and prodding. "why did we break up" over and over and over again. How many "#)&#/¤&"=! do I have to answer this * awful question and be reminded over and over and "#%( over again.
I feel disgusting. I didn't mean to blow up. I didn't mean to make him cry like a baby with an anxiety attack. I did that. I don't like that I did that. And yet I feel empty. Which also disgusts me.

I hope that this emptyness really do mean that I am done and that it's not a temporary thing. I can't keep trying to save someone or a friendship who doesn't want to listen to me. This really sucks because I had such beautiful good days.

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad the weekend went so well, and sorry to hear about the fight.  maybe you needed to get it all out and that's the way it finally happened.  at any rate, sending love and a hug full of the fun memories from your weekend.   

[Sceal]

No, I don't want it out. It's my story to tell, not to be backed up in a corner and yell it because I feel there's no way out.
I never intended on telling him.

[sanmagic7]

oh dear, i'm very sorry it didn't go the way you wanted, sceal.  also sorry if my words were incorrect or insensitive.  i didn't mean them to be.  sending love and hugs