Sceal's third journal

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to reach out to Lady T. Sending you a if that helps.

[Tee]

  Sceal you're important and loved and I so appreciate you checking on me.  I wish there was more I could do for you. But I'm here sending you good vibes.  And know exactly how you feel when your down with no one to turn to.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal
Sounds like you have had a rough time lately, I really empathise with a lot of your words, and was thinking of the exhibition you were talking of, I hardly ever let anyone see my art, and find it difficult to judge how good it is, though some art I've seen in galleries is not so crash hot, not knowing what your work is like.  Anyway it is a courageous step and you should be proud of your courage instead of worried about the quality. Although I do understand that as I don't have the courage to show my work at all, sorry I think I'm rambling
I just wanted to say it's brave

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal,
Just sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
I also want to send you some good vibes.
Hope 

[Sceal]

I am sorry I haven't responded to anyone. I will try and remember to do that tomorrow when I am on the pc and I can read and reply without scrolling, like I have to on my phone.

Alot is going on. Or it feels like it. It also feels that there keeps popping up new things and I can't deal with it all at once. And I don't know which end to start or which to leave to the last...
It's overwhelming.

I started dissociating again today. It's been over 6 months since last time, at least that I have been aware of.

The beginning of the day was nice actually. I woke up on my own. No alarm. I had breakfast, then a little while later I worked out. Sweat was dripping. I worked out so hard even I could smell that I smelled bad. It's not often you manage to smell yourself without trying to sniff yourself, if you know what I mean. I got in the shower and when I got out of it the sun was still shining and I felt like going for a hike. I knew I would have plenty of time before my session with Lady T.  I finished my hike and drove up to mom's to have a cup of coffee and a change of clothes. I had a nice day dress on. Tights and a very comfy indoor jacket. I felt kind of cute.  Wednesday is my day off from work, from art from everything "shoulds" because it's therapy day. well every second Wednesday is therapy day... so, Drove off to my therapy session.
And as I pulled up to the department I saw someone from my past walking down and away.
Someone not nice. Someone from the "cult". Someone I never wanted to ever see again. Except for the fact that he was jealous of me and didn't like me. He never hurt me, just made things difficult. I feel I should say he was not an abuser. But... That doesn't matter much to PTSD.  He is a trigger. He is now making my therapy very difficult.
I went into freezd-panic mode. I could barely walk, let alone look at Lady T when she came to get me.
"Does she know who he is? Does he work for her? Does he work here? Does he work in the care facility next door? Is he a patient? Did he just came from a hike from the forest behind? Will I see him again? Does he have access to my patient journal? Can I trust Lady T, truly? Has he read my journal? Will he rapport seeing me to the "cult"? Did he notice me? Will they be observing me again? Am I safe? Does he live in the area now? Can I go out and about? Or will I run into him? Will I see him on the bus?...."

I couldn't bring up the topic I really needed to talk about today. I was too consumed. I still am.

Am I safe enough?

[sanmagic7]

i hate when those triggers pop up out of nowhere - they can knock us off our foundation, for sure!  i know you're safe, but that doesn't count - you have to know it.  i hope you can talk to lady t about this, maybe get some reassurance about him. 

my sweet sceal, i'm just sorry you're so overwhelmed.  sending you love and a hug full of reassurance and strength.   

[Three Roses]

That would have made me want to run away! You're brave to have gone to that appointment anyway. I believe you are safe, but I hope you can bring this up with Lady T.

[Snowdrop]

I think I would have reacted in a similar way. I hope you're feeling safer today and that you can speak to Lady T about it.

[Sceal]

Lady T found me shivering and hyperventilating outside the toilets yesterday. She made me confront my anxiety alot yesterday. I knew in a way I was safer inside because the doors are locked after 1530. We talked about the anxiety. I didn't tell her I am having trust issues with her now. Because I desperately want those thoughts to go away..I desperately need to trust her.  Besides, how could I tell her I don't trust her, she's been there for me for the past 3 years.

I read her journal entry today. Apparently she considers me to be on the borders of a paranoid psychosis. Dunno what to think or feel about that just yet. So I am going to ignore that bit.

I am however going to figure out if he works in the building near by. And I am going to petition the health department to find out who has been in my patient journal.

  i know you're safe, but that doesn't count - you have to know it.

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this! So much!

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope that you're able to find out more about this guy, and I hope that your petition to the health department is helpful too.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you, Hope. I am going to give it a few days before I send the petition in.

Thank you too, Three Roses and Snowdrop for reading and giving me words of support.
if it is okay.

It really bothers me. It bothers me that I am now questioning Lady T. Is she trustworthy? I wouldn't have questioned her if I hadn't seen him there. But that doesn't mean she would have been trustworthy just because I didn't question it, I just wouldn't have known to question it. And now, a part of me feel it is unfair to judge her like this. She has done nothing by fight for me and support me.

I am noticing I am reading more into people too now. And keeping my emotional and physical distance. It's not good. My head, Shoulders, lower back and stomach hurts. I think it's just physical attributions to what I am feeling, but I've distanced myself from emotions. I feel physical pain and tiredness, but I don't really feel much emotions.
Man I wish it wasn't Friday tomorrow.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you had the run-in which upset you so. I hope you feel better soon, and don't have anymore unwanted episodes like this. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thank you Jazzy.
I was listening to this podcast yesterday, I think it was, and someone said that one of the big generals of the roman empire wrote a daily journal about what he would do if he'd meet * people, and how he'd handle the situation. not in a way to complain, or worship dark thoughts, or to get stuck in a rut of negativity. But to prepare himself should the shittyness arrive. His journal wasn't meant for the public, but I guess that's what happens when you become an historic person.

Anyway, I thought that was a good way to deal with it. And I'm wondering if I can find a way to do the same thing, and therefore be prepared when the * does happen. Then I do have a plan, rather than being taken aback and get forced into panic and hopelessness. I've no idea how to go about this, if I should write a journal, or if I should make a cheat sheet. I'll have to think a little bit more on how I think this could work to my benefit rather than destruction.

I am also noticing a pattern.
I am sleeping less because my thoughts are spinning. Not on destructive, paranoid, fear based *. No. On new projects, new ideas, new things to do. Which  I then intend to do. I start research mode, and I start reaching out to people and organizations saying I'm doing this thing and looking for advice/their thoughts. Which is things I don't normally do, normally I don't reach out to strangers and ask for things. I also normally don't start making new projects and planning them when I am about to go to sleep. This is something I've done in the past when things are really too hard for me, instead of dealing with the things that bothers me I bury the emotions and I pile on more tasks and stress.

I'm not a seamstress, yet somehow I decided that this week-end I'm going to fix two dresses, one fancy trouser, one down-winter coat (any idea how annoying it is to have down flying everywhere?), a t-shirt, a nightie, and a knitted sweater. When I should be preparing to be hostess next week, and be preparing for my two upcoming gallery shows that are so far behind schedule I don't know what to do. And then of course it's the emotionality around my roomate, my future, my economy, my trust in my therapist, my own mental and physical health.

I signed up for a boxing gym. I've never boxed in my entire life. I am a pacifist.

I know this is happening, I can see them happening. And yet, I'm not at a stage where I think these things are actually a legitimate problem. I still honestly believe I have everything under control.
So I am writing all of this down, semi-publicly, in hopes that when I do go to bed soon, or tomorrow. I will realize that the only thing I will accomplish this week-end is finishing that jacket, go for a hike and start dialing down on project planning. Hopefully.
If it doesn't work,
I will attempt to hold my self accountable with Mr T on Tuesday, or potentially even call my GP. Those two still doesn't have a trust issue claim against them. So right now they are still safe.

* I really need to get rid of this trust-issue towards Lady T!.

[sanmagic7]

wow!  you're dealing with so much inside your head.  i think it might be helpful to somehow get it out of you on paper, in words, doodles, whatever works for you.  i know people who make lists before they go to bed so they know they won't have to think about them while they're trying to sleep, and it seems helpful for them.  my d does something similar, but her list is in the morning.  it's helped her a lot with the stress of it.

i'm not trying to diagnose or anything, but are you running a little manic right now?  i've had times like that, when it seems like everything has the same priority, and i want to do all of it, even tho it's not possible.

sceal, i don't understand the trust issue w/ lady t.  is it because she didn't let you know that guy was in the vicinity?  would that be someone she'd know?  or know how he affects you?  i guess i'm a bit confused.  you don't have to explain, i don't have to know.  just curious.

anyway, i hope you can get thru some of this to your satisfaction.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support.   

[Jazzy]

That journal sounds pretty interesting. I'd love to read it; hopefully it has some good ideas.

I was thinking what sanmagic said, it sounds like a manic phase. Not to say that is bad either, I love my manic phases... its just important to be aware and manage expectations of yourself, but it sounds like you've already got that done (writing it all out), so that's great.

I really hope you work things out with your Lady T. It sounds like she has been very good for you so far.

Take care Sceal