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Thanks, Woodgnome and Kizzie 
I had my long assesment today. I felt respected and listened to and affirmed by the staff I interacted with and that felt really good. It was not with my new therapist, and I only very briefly and casually met her. I will start meeting with her online next week.

It sounds like I will be diagnosed with PTSD, which is the first time I have officially been diagnosed with anything other than depression so that feels good. I think once I meet with the actual therapist I can talk to her about CPTSD as well and how that might affect therapy. Does anyone have any suggestions for what might be helpful to bring up as far as differences between PTSD and CPTSD treatment? I am excited and thankful for the opportunity to process my trauma and thought processes. I know my brain has been trying to do that - I've had bad dreams (again) lately as my brain tries to process the grief and trauma.
Thanks all 

Thanks for sharing, notalone  You portrayed raw pain and beautiful hope.

I also like what you wrote, Jazzy. It sounds like a servant leadership role can spring out in those situations. I have felt that before too.

We have some of the skills to be a safe place for others, in ways some people cannot. I really want to be a safe place for others.

Thanks for checking, notalone! Yes, I did and it seemed to go pretty well. I didn't know what to expect and it was just an intake with a case worker. He was pretty kind and so was the receptionist afterwards. I will go back in at the end of next week for about a 2 1/2 hour assesment, the first part with him again and then with the therapist after that. It sounds like they will ask a ton of questions, including about my childhood. So, we'll see how that goes. I feel pretty at peace about it at the moment.

One thing that really helped me to relax and feel more safe was when he asked me what was going on when I had a rough day recently. I started to explain that everything had been going so well and so I got triggered, and I didn't even have to finish my thought. He already understood and chuckled with me. I mentioned that I had starting sabotaging on that day, and he was not surprised. I was relieved by that. It was refreshing to feel like I wasn't the only one.

This isn't totally related, but worth mentioning that I did have a really rough day yesterday. Part of that was probably the sabotage that comes with a success like that first appointment. But I was also triggered (was honestly already triggered by some extended family drama that has come up) by the fact that I had a medical appointment immediately after the intake therapy appointment.  I was expecting the medical appointment to lead toward a resolve but found out that I need to be referred yet again (4th time for this issue in the past several months) to a place 3 hours away. I was mad and frustrated and scared and just threw a fit yesterday with all kinds of obsessions to "cope" (which really doesn't work for actual coping). My husband and I were able to break through it, and today was a better day but still learning to release it all.

Thankfully, we do have healthy family that live nearby the new place I am getting referred, so we can stay with them.

Overall, I feel relief that I may get some quality therapy soon. The receptionist said that the therapist is good and from the way she said it, I believed her. And I need to try to let go of what I can't control. Thanks for the support everyone!

Dreamriver, I can relate to much of what you are saying. I also have been doing better lately, but I got triggered recently and I'm not letting go of it. My inner child is in turmoil. And now I am seeing my husband as the enemy and not fully appreciating the safe things he is doing for me and my family. And this causes him a lot of stress, which is hard for his body with his health issues. So, it causes him a lot of emotional and physical pain when I start sabotaging. And it causes me emotional sorrow when I run from him like that. I also resorted to leaving/escape tendencies as a teenager...

I hear what you are saying, and I am sorry for the struggle and pain. I am hopeful that we can both continue to get better at identifying triggers and dealing with them 

Thank you woodsgnome, Kizzie and Oceanstar  I feel supported! Those are all good thoughts as I head into the appointment. It makes sense that it is a process, just like CPTSD and healing are a longterm process. I hope I can talk to someone who is interested in learning about CPTSD if they aren't already familiar with it. Having resources in mind for that is a good idea.

I have been aware for some time that I will probably need a therapist to help me further along my recovery. I feel like I've gotten to a safe/stable enough place where that is a possibility. And with the support of a friend and my husband, I was able to talk to my physician about starting therapy with someone knowledgeable about trauma. So, she has referred me to a place which seems to deal a lot with people who are dealing with addictions but along with that they also do therapy for trauma. So, I will be going there for a first appointment, I'm assuming for an evaluation, this week. And the receptionist told me that it would take a half an hour at most. I'm not totally sure I believe her, and if that is true that seems really fast 

I have used some of the forums from OOTS and filled them out to take along (they may have a copy of them already since I gave them to my physician too who made a copy). I feel fairly confident about the visit, which reminds me of the healthier me. But realistically, it is a pretty big deal considering that there are a lot of unknowns. I had a bad experience with a counselor in the past. And the article linked in this forum talking about the signs of a bad counselor was very helpful in identifying and solidifying why it was a bad situation. So, hopefully I am a bit more prepared this time.

I am wondering if you have any other suggestions of things I should be looking for or considering or taking with me for the appointment?

My insurance will be able to cover the therapy and I will be able to do much of my therapy appointments online so I won't have to travel in. That is pretty important to me since we live very rural and I watch our kids throughout most of the day.

Thank you dreamriver for your response and thoughts. I can tell that you understand the dynamics and "games" of this type of family dynamic/manipulation. While it almost always surprises me when someone understands, it also saddens me just because I realize that you also are familiar with the pain. And it also amazes me how similar and uninventive these tactics are - they are easy to pin point once you learn to recognize them.

The "tricky" part about accepting the money from them is that they want to send it in a form of a check. And they want a response first to know that we are still receiving mail at that address. So, they will know if we respond and deposit the check. My husband could do the responding and such so I wouldn't need to. His main concern is that it would all be triggering to me. He isn't so concerned about how they choose to react.

I have various fears, such as that they will use a response from us as fuel to further anger my siblings (also NC) about how I can accept money but can't be involved at all in their lives and such... But I don't know what that would honestly truly change. I think my NPs they are too ashamed to slander us to other people...it makes them look bad they think. The other fear of mine is that it will fuel them further to try to contact my husband's family again to get to me, but they have already tried some and it didn't get them anywhere as far as they can tell (it certainly triggered me at the time).

In any case, I think the real battlefield (whether we accept the check or not) is in my mind and I need to guard against being triggered. That is the only real "control" that they have and they are on the losing side. I am getting better.

Today is my father's birthday. It is the second birthday I have not told him "happy birthday", since we went NC. Do I miss him? Sort of... But not really.

I had a dream last night that sums it all up pretty well really. I have a reoccurring character in my dreams occasionally...it's a childhood classmate that I had a crush on, but I have identified "him" as being a representation of my father. Someone I longed affection for but could never attain. At best, I would get teased or scoffed at. The person was very self focused, insecure on the inside and had a fondness for money. That's my dad.

In my dream, the person was aware enough of my surroundings to pull out a check book and write a check for things they needed to see "fixed." Things that would be practical and probably looked bad if they weren't fixed. Something that would make my life easier is the best I could hope for. I was never looked at directly, or if I was it was from a distance. And at the end of the dream, the character set off in a direction that I needed to walk but didn't ask to walk with me. I had something else I wanted to do, and he went abruptly and didn't ask or wait, so I stayed and helped the people around me with something I could help with. I like helping people, and that is part of the path I have chosen, which is different from the heart of my f. He has the appearance of helping but not the humble heart.

And then today, in real life, I was told by my husband that some other FOO are offering to send us money. They contacted us by letter. We haven't been in contact with them for months. They say they want verification of our mailing address (which they have and it is not the same as our home address) to send it the money. I have a suspicion that it is really my NPs trying to send us money through family for the birthdays and the Christmas they have missed...to ease their conscious. This is not a first time occurence. And they are probably trying to gain the control through knowledge and emotional badgering of where our current mailing address is. But this doesn't truly give them any control. They have nothing. We are safe. I have to remind myself of these truths.

The questions that remain - Are we beyond accepting money from them? If my pride speaks here, we're in trouble already because it puts me in their control already because bad pride is a path to being triggered. In reality, the money would be very helpful to us. I also don't want to enable them further. Accepting their money might give them an adrenaline rush, though my h pointed out that they probably already have that from twistedly offering it in the first place. Also, is it my place to judge them or to take responsibility for their own feelings? I can only do what's right for me and my family.

I think I am processing all this better than I have in the past.

Hi Buddy, just stopping by to give my support. I resonate with what you said about snapping at your daughter (I've been there many times) and feeling like I'm failing her, and also feeling the deep self-loathing. The fact that you recognize that you snapped at her and care about her wellbeing shows that you are seeking to not neglect her emotional needs. I think that goes a long way!

You seem like you have strengths in loyalty, caring for others and protectiveness. Those are great qualities! I realize that you may not feel like you are, but it shows. Now you are in the process of figuring out what it looks like to care for yourself. It's a confusing, often painful process. Hang in there!

Thank you Alter-eg0 for the encouragement! You are right, it is a step at a time process. I often feel like I'm not doing really well. I get impatient a lot and I lash out in ways I was taught to by my NPs. But day by day, I am  breaking through those chains.

Just today my husband encouragingly told me that I did something differently from how my NPs would handle the situation, and that was encouraging to me to see that. It's hard to see the positive growth a lot of times.

And the really amazing thing about kids is that they are pretty forgiving, especially if you apologize to them sincerely when you mess up and work toward changing your behavior. They can be your support and encouragement and coaches along the way too. The family unit can grow together 

I shared it with some supportive friends and family 

Thanks for sharing salto! That's a creative way to help explain CPTSD! I like it. Nice work! 

My appointment today went well. I briefly talked to my physician about having CPTSD and that my depression and anxiety are comorbidities of that. I asked her about potential counseling and she said we could do that and she could refer me. I told her that it would need to be someone who knows about gaslighting and PTSD (I don't know how familiar they are with CPTSD). And she said that she had a couple of people in mind and that I could try it. She said not everyone feels counseling is right for them. It's nice not to feel pressured into it. So, I might give that a try.

I had a bad experience with a counselor in the past, so I feel a little bit nervous. I had a decent experience shortly after that time, but we never got to the heart of the issue so it was only so helpful. I was still being abused by my NPs at the time and I didn't understand that or the extent of it.

We are also going to slightly increase my antidepressant and I think that's a good call right now. My husband is with me and helped me process my decision after the fact which I was struggling with mentally and emotionally. He is there for me.

Possible TW
As I was still in the process of writing this I heard a commotion outside, and we realized that a raccoon was getting all of our chickens. None are left. We haven't been in a place to close them into their coop early at night. My h reminded me that was the risk we were taking of not closing them in until so late. I had a flashback to my narcisstic F being so condemning and hateful about my animals. I told my husband about all that which was good.

He also expressed his feelings about life falling apart after we got the chickens and his frustration of not being able to care for them like he'd like to. I tend to get EFs when he shares vulnerabilities with me. I want to be there for him too. I think writing this out helps me process.

It will get better. This will pass. We can make it through. We are still making progress with healing.

Hi notalone and Hope, I'm sorry you're feeling scared and in so much pain. From my own experience, when you've done a lot of courageous processing it can take a lot of upheaval and in stages to know again that you are safe - having to reassure various parts of you who don't always come out for reassurance or to express fear at the same time. I's a gradual process, and it is very exhausting and tumultuous. Hang in there! Sending you a 

Also, I have really enjoyed this song since hearing it this summer, and I thought you might appreciate it too. It is a Christian song and it is not a stereotypical song as the singer is very painfully honest with God about the pain that he feels. It is called Honesty by Jason Gray. The singer had a very difficult childhood and he seems to have some good insights. Of course, only listen to it if you think it might be helpful to you. Hang in there!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6aLj-Cz7aog