Messages

I know I have fleas. I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self. I also make mistakes. So clearly, I am an N, a terrible person, shallow, manipulative, and selfish.

I have a confession, while I'm on the topic: I manipulated my Nmom. I manipulated her into leaving my brother and sister alone by fighting with her and going NC. I not-so-gently reminded her that CPS is a thing. I also threw my contact with my older sis in there for good measure. It's not manipulation without a good guilt trip. I did all of this knowingly and willingly.

I can't think of a joke. And even if I could, I have a very 'black sense of humor' (is that even English?), so it would have to go with a trigger alert.

But I have what may be an inspirational quote for you:

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

You're here, and you're owning up.
Is your mom?

I actually really enjoy black humor (yes, that is what it's called). I'm not a fan of vulgarity for vulgarity's sake, but I like a reminder now and again that even when it's pitch black, there's always humor. I can't believe English isn't your native language. You're amazing at writing in it!

I am very inspired by that quote. In fact, I'd like to write a short song about it when I have the time.

Is my mom owning up? Well, the short answer is no, I suppose. But she always finds something or another to justify her actions, and if you don't look too hard, her explanation seems plausible.

You matter.  The actions you took to protect your younger siblings matter.  Being on your own side in this situation is tough sledding but you sound like you are getting there.  Dr. JDog prescribes self compassion and plenty of it.

Take two big doses and write back in the morning.

Thank you, Jdog. I think that taking my own side in matters takes a lot of self-confidence, which is something I don't really have much of. I consistently think that I'm not good enough at anything. Thank you for the reminder to be compassionate to myself. I feel a lot better. I used to feel really guilty about having EFs. Now I'm looking back at it as something that happens in my life. I'm working on catching and fielding them. I can't be expected to be perfect right off the bat, but I'm certainly putting effort in.

Hello Widdi,

I hope that today looks different for you. In dealing with family, our "moral code" and our own needs, things get complicated rather quickly. Whose needs are more important? What about this? What about that? There's always one more perspective out there. It's crowded!

You seem to have a good grasp on your own behavior and motivations, a real plus!  You also seem to be in a corner, where it's tough to find your way out. Could you make room for just yourself? Maybe sit quietly and imagine your own inner child, or even yourself as you are now, and just be there with her? Block out all the others, and just focus on you. No need to "do" anything, just appreciate your strength and your compassion. IF you can get to savoring, that would be ideal. If not, just get comfy and get to know what it feels like to be there in that place.

Thank you. I'm going to take some time to do that right now, in fact. It really does feel like I'm cornered emotionally. Once my mindfulness slips, and I break into an EF, it's like I'm stuck that way. I've found that going to sleep helps me reset myself emotionally. I hope that, in time, I can find other ways to hit the reset button that aren't as intrusive and time-consuming.

My inner child and I are going to go practice our martial arts. That always makes both of us feel better.

I feel like I just don't want to subject my inner child to that dark, dark place I go during EFs. It's terrifying for us.

It seems like being tired makes it so much easier to slip into this state of mind. I've worked and worried myself into a mess over whether I am a narcissist. I know I have fleas. I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self. I also make mistakes. So clearly, I am an N, a terrible person, shallow, manipulative, and selfish.

I have a confession, while I'm on the topic: I manipulated my Nmom. I manipulated her into leaving my brother and sister alone by fighting with her and going NC. I not-so-gently reminded her that CPS is a thing. I also threw my contact with my older sis in there for good measure. It's not manipulation without a good guilt trip. I did all of this knowingly and willingly.

If I look at it a different way, though, I broke my moral code to try and keep my brother and sister safe. I went against my values, my feelings, and gave up what little sense of self I had to protect some kids. It doesn't sound so bad from a different perspective.

I need to stop taking my mother's side. I've said before, the dissonance is killing me. I have to be on my side. Something to work on, but now I'm going to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel better.

I'm happy for you! I'm glad you feel like you're getting somewhere. There are hills and valleys in any learning experience. Sometimes, you don't feel like you're making progress, but you always are. Keep it up!

Hey, how are you?

I think that you should talk about this with your therapist. You're really brave for going to therapy when you don't feel like it. I hope that further sessions bring you peace eventually.

I definitely understand where you're coming from as far as not believing anyone understands. That was the mantra of my life for a while. But when I started to let people in, to let them know how I actually felt, I realized that, even if they didn't understand completely, they could still offer support and peace. In fact, I don't want anyone to completely understand what I've been through, because I love everyone on some level, and I don't want them to have to go through that sort of pain.

What hysperger said also rings true with me. When I felt suffering, I always assumed it was because I was inadequate. But if I were faced with someone who went through the same things I did, I wouldn't try to make them feel inadequate for being in pain. I would try my best to ease their pain. I would let them know that the dark doesn't last forever, that even in the happiest moments there is still sorrow, and vice versa. Posting on this site, and practicing this kind of compassion for others, helps me know what to say to myself when I'm feeling down.

I've been really big on the whole self-care thing lately, because I think that it serves as a really important reminder that even though we're suffering, there are moments of joy. Eating what you like, and when you'd like it is a good way to get started. Maybe, when you're stuck in bed like that, instead of bullying yourself about it, try to make your stay in bed more enjoyable. Accept the fact that you're going to be in bed today, and make the most out of it. A big part of connecting with the child inside you is figuring out what she likes to do to have fun.

Wishing you all the best as you go through tough times. 

Wow! I'm glad to hear that this has had such a profound impact on your life! I'm glad you're feeling better in such a big way. I can't imagine mundane chores ever feeling pleasant. If they did, maybe my house would be clean! 

I like your chicken and egg question. In my family, I can point to a probable beginning to its troubles. My great-grandfather on grandmother's side was a survivor of the Armenian genocide back in the early 1900s. From what my M told me, he had some issues that most likely stemmed from that. My grandmother wasn't allowed to be home a lot of the time that he was, and so she had to raise herself. She became pregnant when she was a teen, and barely raised my M, who became pregnant when she was a teen. I can at least point and say that my troubles stem from ethnocentrism and teenage pregnancy, two issues that are generally acknowledged as problems. I think this makes it easier for me to conceptualize because the ill effects of these issues have been known for a much longer time than the consequences of emotional abuse.

Good to hear you had a nice laugh! May you have many more. 

I don't laugh aloud very often, or when I do, it's very subdued and controlled. My M used to say I had a cute little giggle when I was a small child, but it changed, and I've been self-conscious about the way I laugh ever since. Of course, I'm self-conscious about everything, down to the way I breathe when I'm around people. 

I tend to get lost in my thoughts and feelings a lot, and stop paying attention to the world around me. This helps a lot as far as emotional processing and awareness, but I tend to lack observational skills. I have run directly into objects because I was lost in thought! 

Something I'm working on is staying present. I think it might have to do with being overwhelmed. If I can't process an event while it's happening, I get stuck on it, and mull it over until I have processed it thoroughly.

Best of luck with it. I hope your employer is understanding.

I'm pondering awareness, both of the self, and others. I've always consciously tried to be a very self-aware person, but not so much aware of my surroundings. One thing at a time, I guess. How can we be fully aware of the world around us, and how we fit in, if we are not aware of ourselves first? I don't think this sort of self-study is inherently narcissistic, although we've been taught that to think about yourself for too long is. In fact, as long as your intent is pure, I think that self-study has quite the opposite effect.

When we dream, when we meditate, when we reach into the furthest corners of our minds and explore every inch, I think, is when we finally know how we fit into this world. Buddhist ideology seems to describe how I feel about this subject very well.

My T says it's not impossible. We can change the way we think and feel, and gain new coping mechanisms. As far as I've read, EMDR sounds like it has the potential to be retraumatizing. So to me, the layman, it sounds like using that process before establishing healthy coping skills might be counterproductive.

I think that seeking a counselor at the VA might go really well. When I was looking for a T, I made sure to look at ones that deal with PTSD and trauma survivors. As an added bonus, my counselor also takes patients with borderline PD, so I know she's good at handling tough cases. I've read that BPD is nigh-indescribably hard to treat.

My Mother's Day treat to myself. There are a dozen, and each one bloomed beautifully.  Hmmmm, just noticed the same color appears in my avatar. Funny thing about that!

(The 128KB restriction is awful!)

They're so beautiful! I'm glad you got to treat yourself to them.

I understand how you feel. I've gone through entire 12-hour periods when I don't know what I was doing, the dissociation was so intense. It's really scary, and life-ruining, and it makes me angry that we were forced to engage such a coping mechanism when we were younger.

Something I try to do when I notice myself dissociating is to look around me, and find, say, three items that are yellow. I repeat this with every color I can think of. If I'm driving, I use signs. Or shapes. Anything that keeps my mind focused on the present, so I don't cause an accident.

I lost my wallet this way a couple months ago. It was terrifying.

I haven't been asked to take any, but if I were, I would probably turn down the chance to take any psychiatric medication. It doesn't make sense, given that I've experimented with illicit drugs and alcohol, but with those, I've always made sure their lasting effects are minimal. Psychiatric meds alter brain chemistry waaay too much for me to want to mess with them. In fact, I think that if I were to start anti-anxiety medication, my anxiety might worsen for having to take them!

Anyone else feel the same way? Are my fears founded or unfounded in your experience?

Happy belated birthday to everyone here!

It's not my birthday today, but Recovery had an idea to make this thread for all of the people who would like to celebrate their birthdays with our community. For a lot of us, birthdays are triggering, and filled with bad memories, and so they aren't celebrated properly. I wanted to make sure that we have a safe and happy place to come and celebrate making it through another year. I know it's not easy!

Being cynical and negative at a time like this is to be expected. It's normal, and good for you to let the negative emotions flow without bottling them up. I think you're doing just fine, considering. And a lot of consideration is due. I really feel for the pain you're in. It's hard, but it will pass. Until then, we're here for you. You're a really strong person to continue pushing yourself through all of this pain.