Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I am also sending little you and grown-up you some love and support - it's a challenging situation - but I very much hope you can negotiate a way through it that will mean you can still do the play - but without having the discomfort of those triggering sound effects - I can't think of anything else to suggest - but I hope you're able to cope with whatever happens.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

No wonder you are being panicky about this play. If be terrified..
I don't have any good advice for you as I would pull out and refuse to listen to it. 
Big hug. 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet San,
Thanks so much for helping me breathe.  I've made a decision and I'm going to ask for a different sound effect to be used.  It isn't just the crack of one that is triggering but also the sight of one.  So yeah I'm going to ask it to be changed.

Jdog,
Thanks for the hug.  Both grown me and my little really needed it.  Deep breath too.

Hope,
Thanks for the support.  Just knowing that you are in my corner and supporting me makes me feel less alone and that you can help me pick up the pieces if things go awry.

Sceal,
Thanks.  to you too
——————————————————
Talked to my T today about the play.  She seems ok with me asking for a different sound effect.

On the other hand she is worried about how interconnected army triggers have become.  One seems to connect to another.  I was triggered by a rake that had ice on it and just resembled a hockey stick.

Now it's not a particular model of car but the emblem, all models.  I get it.  She's right. 

We will probably get back into exposure therapy but not with the belt trigger yet.

So yeah... I'm exhausted but still trying to fight here

[sanmagic7]

you're a warrior woman, sweetie.  good for you for making a decision.  that takes a lot, i know.  but, you did it, and i'm glad for you.  i hope even doing that gives some relief.

exposure therapy can work well - it sounds like you've done it before.  perhaps now, knowing you've got all of us in your corner, you might not be so shaky as you're doing it.  can you imagine all of us standing around you, protecting you from those fears that might be encroaching when you begin?  we won't let them get you - you won't be alone and helpless this time like when the abuse happened. 

you're different now, stronger.  it took you a while to start a journal, and look at how much you've progressed.  at one time you were afraid to write about this stuff, but now, well, you've come leaps and bounds.  i have no doubt the same will be true in therapy. 

hang tough, sweetie.  you've got guts.  sending love and a hug full of protection for you against what you fear.

[Wattlebird]

Hey db
I agree with San, warrior women sounds like you to me, you seem so strong in a way I admire, I know you don't think so but when you told me you tell your therapist to "bite me" I admired you all the more, I am such a scared, timid people pleaser that I admire people who can show annoyance like that, im sorry if this annoys you as I know you were ashamed of that experience, but I wanted you to know I loved it.
Change the sound effect, it's an unnecessary problem to have, if they are willing of course.

[Deep Blue]

perhaps now, knowing you've got all of us in your corner, you might not be so shaky as you're doing it.  can you imagine all of us standing around you, protecting you from those fears that might be encroaching when you begin?  we won't let them get you - you won't be alone and helpless this time like when the abuse happened. 

you're different now, stronger.  it took you a while to start a journal, and look at how much you've progressed.

San,
Thanks so much.  I will imagine you will me.  The idea of having you all with me eases my fears.  Thanks thanks 

Wattlebird,
You don't annoy me! Ha ha, yep I'm pretty sure I told my T to bite me a couple times in therapy yesterday.  Yesterday she said, I think you may need to expose yourself and I said, No! You expose yourself! Then I laughed cuz of the idea of 2 women "exposing ourselves" ha ha. 
——————————————————-
Still had nightmares last night but then I read your responses and am feeling a bit better.  The idea of not being alone this time is comforting.  It's like a warm blanket of reassurance wrapped around me.  I'm so grateful for your support and care 

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you can get some comfort from that thought, db.  when i left mexico, crossing the border, i was picturing everyone here walking across at the same time our car was going across, and it was extremely powerful.  it really gave me a lot of strength to be able to talk to the border patrol person without completely falling apart.  i hope that picture does the same for you.

hopefully, you'll have no problem with getting the sound thing changed.  sending lots of love and a warm, caring hug.

[Deep Blue]

Grrrr hopping back on to rant! My husband didn't go to work today cuz he said he was up all night sick.

So he stayed home all day and did nothing. I mean nothing! Didn't bring in trash, didn't get mail, didn't put his * dishes in the sink!!!!

So now he's been asleep on the couch for 3 hours since I got home! His stupid plate and bowl are sitting on the couch and he's been snoring it up.  If he slept all day, why's he still sleeping now?

Not to mention he still wants to go play sports tomorrow even though he's been too "sick" to do anything today. 

Sorry, this stuff just gets to me 

[sanmagic7]

go for it!  that's what your journal is for - to get it out.  i'm glad you have a place to do that.

how frustrating.  i always hated that kind of thing.   grrrr is right.

still love you, tho, even when you're mad.   

[Three Roses]

Grrr! 

[Deep Blue]

I love this place.  Honestly after ranting last night, it burned off that anger and I feel much better this morning.

San,
You are so sweet to me.  Thanks for loving the many shades of me.  Back at you darling 

Three Roses,
Ha! I laughed when I saw your response this morning.  Thanks for always coming to my rescue on the husband front.  I adore you.

[Jdog]

Hi, Deep Blue-
I would have written sooner but fatigue got the better of me yesterday.  I, too, am standing in that circle around you.  I support your words and actions as you work to keep yourself safe.  You are very much the warrior woman.  Raw courage, a beautiful heart, and great integrity are all yours.

Love you, Blue!

[Sceal]

  All I can say, is that I understand that frustration ALL TOO MUCH. It is so infuriating! How hard can it be, right?!

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog,
Hope you are doing well.  We are in the home stretch before exams and the semester ends.

Thanks Sceal,
Yeah, my H can be quite lazy about certain things

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I just caught your mention that you're in the home stretch before exams and the semester ends, and I hope that you can get through that ok.  Sending you a big hug, if that's ok.   
Hope