Hello,
I have been working on my healing and recovery for 30 years. A month ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD. The diagnosis has helped to clarify a great deal – especially why my recovery has been such a long and complex process – and I am still not "there."
"There" for me is the tipping point in my recovery when life feels like it is "worth" living, i.e. less suffering and despair and more peace, joy, happiness and connection. I don't remember having a will to live, but I am willing to live and curious just how far I can take my recovery and if I can actually get "there."
My stats are: mother BPD with Narcissistic features, dad Schizoid PD with Narcissistic features. The "social skills" I was "taught" were atrocious. I was the most hated kid in school – elementary through junior high. The summer before high school I started smoking pot and when I got to high school the stoners let me "party" with them; it was an immense relief. (I was a stoner for 17 years)
First husband was a Sociopath, the second a Narcissist (left him after 2 months). My third husband is a good man who has Asperger's. We were married 18 years. The lack of warmth, empathy and emotional availability was traumatizing for me throughout the marriage. We ended our marriage 3 years ago. It was devastating and tragic because we were great together in so many ways and he was willing to get help, but alas at his age his Asperger's prevented the necessary changes. I was physically ill my entire marriage (I have a somatitization disorder). Staying with him was literally killing me. I divorced a good man who I love to save my life. So now I find myself single at 55.
I have struggled financially my whole life. I have been trying to recover for 30 years. But I have only been able to afford therapy about 12 of those years. I chewed the leather a lot when I was in desperate need of help but could not afford it. I went through Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming" on my own about 23 years ago and it was the beginning of true self-acceptance, self-love and self-care. That part of my recovery has been successful. But I am still a deeply traumatized person. I get triggered daily in small ways and often in significant ways. I need a lot of down time to rest my nervous system and avoid stimuli. My financial situation has recently stabilized a bit and that helps – financial trauma has been profound in my life.
The biggest piece for me right now is the need for deeper, more resonant connection with others. I have friends, good-hearted people every one. But they do not really understand what it's like to live life as a traumatized person. I hope that being a part of this forum will help me to address this need.
Thank you for reading my intro – it's sad and complex but well intentioned – like me :)
Hello Rr,
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I am hopeful that you will find comfort and support here like I am finding. Your sharing of your experiences I know will be beneficial to others as well as myself. Thank you.
:)
Hi and welcome to Out of the Storm Recovery ;D
Like so many of us your road to recovery has been long so I am glad you found your way here. I am 58 and was only diagnosed with CPTSD recently too, I think because CPTSD is a relative newcomer as a diagnosis.
The diagnosis definitely clarifies why recovery is a long gradual process; until we have all the pieces of the puzzle it's hard to move out of the storm that is CPTSD and into a more positive space. I know what you mean about explaining this disorder to others, but here we "get it" and I think you will find that connection you are looking for. I don't know if you've read any of Pete Walker's articles or books (http://pete%20walker's%20articles%20or%20books) but he suggests that there is a silver lining to CPTSD; as we recover we feel more deeply and live more authentically than most people. And, we give that out to the world and it comes back to us so there is light on the horizon.
Again, welcome and I hope you find the information, support and encouragement here that you need to heal.
We are all on the same script. Your story is our story.
Thank you all so much for your deeply encouraging responses! I'm experiencing a lot of ups and downs in the wake of my diagnosis - clarity :) - OMG I really see how pervasive and intractable this is :'( Through all of this I feel very lonely - my normal friends are good people with the typically busy lives of non-traumatized people - so they are rarely available. Thank God for TV. I live a small life but am aware of the potential inside me for a full rich life and it's difficult. I say all this to emphasize how deeply meaningful and hopeful it is to have found this place and to receive your acknowledgement, encouragement and understanding :)
:bighug: to you, Rr.
So much hurt in our recovery from various harms in the past.
Thank you Rain. 2 PD parents is so traumatizing. Sorry for your suffering. Glad we have found this place of understanding and belonging.
Thanks, Rr. :hug:
Hello and welcome. I was sad to hear that not only was your home life difficult, but your time at school made things even worse. I agree about the bullying - teachers just turn a blind eye, everyone does. It's bizarre how much damage one can be dealt without anyone bothering to notice. If this were a movie, people would complain that it's too gritty and unrealistically bleak.
Thank you Rain and S'sC. I'm making my way through Walker's Cptsd and am struck by his belief that emotional abandonment is at the core of Cptsd. Being hated and excluded at school felt like on-going utter emotional abandonment - that's the most biting and painful part of the experience for me. For many years it was the stand-out as far as childhood trauma. I will say that the teachers participated in "actively disliking me." I do well socially now but can be triggered by innocuous situations like standing alone for a few minutes when others around me are all paired-up and talking to each other. It was "nobody's fault" - I was too f'd up to help it and my peers were just kids responding to a socially inept peer. Well, I guess the teachers participated and did not protect me. But I can't help but let them off the hook too - they were just responding to an "unlikable" kid. I just feel very grateful that I was able to unlearn all the horrible social habits and learn healthy ones. It feels good to be liked and included now. I feel very fortunate indeed to have had the resources to change this.
Thanks all for the warm welcome ;D
Hi rRecovery! I was thinking about you earlier this morning. Yup. The abandonment we went through ...likely in the very first days of life and onwards. I love Pete's book second book (I'm going to start his first one soon).
That is a super point about the abandonment with bullies. I knew at the time that they were troubled kids taking it out on me, but it still left me hurting and alone.
These days, I also have those very same moments of two people talking and I am left standing. It triggers me. What do you do these days when you find you are triggered in social situations like this, Rr?
Glad you are here!! :party:
Hi Rain :wave:
I realize that I'm having an emotional flashback (such a powerful tool!) and then give myself permission to do whatever feels best - I may leave, or go to the bathroom and consult and nurture my inner-child. How bout you?
Rr
Hi Rr :wave:
Depending on the situation, I may join the conversation. I may dig out my phone and call a friend. I may simply leave and go find a nurturing place to be like a Starbucks break. Like you say, head to the bathroom, nurture the Inner Kid.
Big thing these days for me is comforting my body, which IS my Inner Kid. I can give a hug to myself even in public, and it can just look like I'm addressing a muscle cramp or something.
Say Rr, how have you resolved all that bullying at school you went through?
Sorry to barge in... but how do you two feel about the onlookers? My main bully asked for forgiveness ages ago, and we're good, it's okay. She was troubled, too. But the onlookers who saw and witnessed and did nothing? Forgiving them is still a bit of a work in progress.
Hi Cat.
As I've read, they were afraid to get involved as they could be the next target. I understand, but they did contribute to the abuse also. Do I forgive the onlookers? I have.
Hm, maybe forgiving is a step to be thought of later. I'm saying this because I discovered that first of all I have to be properly angry at them, and to grieve the betrayal that was often involved. Those people did leave me in the lurch, after all. It's just so easy to overlook this particular pain because it's not about something that happened, it's about something that should've happened but didn't.
Hi Rain and Cat,
For me the bullying stopped at the beginning of H.S. because I had become a stoner and was accepted into that group. So the bullying was in elementary and Jr. High. I don't blame them for disliking and excluding me because I was a socially toxic person back then. I don't expect kids that young to do better under the circumstances. I was angry for a long time about it. My inner-child deserved my outrage on her behalf. Eventually I made it to the acceptance stage. An interesting note: I actually went to my 30th class reunion as a way of facing my past and reclaiming my dignity among those people. Everyone was polite. But... I only recognized about 5 people out of about 100! I might as well have gone to someone else's class reunion! The stoner bunch didn't attend and I was too disassociated during those years to be able to recognize my "peers." It was an exceedingly uncomfortable evening. But I did feel like I reclaimed my dignity by going head held high, a success in my profession (photo and description posted in a mini class book that was done).
Rain: thanks for sharing your strategy - especially the body scan and care - could be really helpful for me. I'm glad you're doing soooooo much better :cheer: Me too :wave:
Hi Rr, what a Journey you have had. I have learned quite a bit from you. I've will have to do that also on attending the next H.S. class reunion. Reclaiming your dignity with it, even though it was uncomfortable. Impressive, Rr!
And, I smiled with what you wrote ..."your success in my profession" Excellent, Rr!!
As to the body scan, I am grateful to Peter Levine on his books on that and others gifts I learned there. Yes, I'm glad I am doing better, and that you are doing better, too Rr!!! We celebrate ... day by day ...a little better, even with the steps backwards here and there.
:party:
Hi Rrecovery, glad to hear that you were able to do that. It sounds like it gave you some closure. :waveline:
I went to such a class reunion too, and it wasn't a fun evening at all, but it was still good to see how bland and boring those people seemed, like if it happened today, I could totally take them on and have a fair chance of winning. In my memories, they were always so impossibly cool and strong and glamorous.
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on September 30, 2014, 07:38:06 PM
Hm, maybe forgiving is a step to be thought of later. I'm saying this because I discovered that first of all I have to be properly angry at them, and to grieve the betrayal that was often involved. Those people did leave me in the lurch, after all. It's just so easy to overlook this particular pain because it's not about something that happened, it's about something that should've happened but didn't.
Cat I agree - bypassing the anger stage short circuits the healing process IMO.
Quote from: schrödinger's cat on October 01, 2014, 04:37:50 PM
Hi Rrecovery, glad to hear that you were able to do that. It sounds like it gave you some closure. :waveline:
I went to such a class reunion too, and it wasn't a fun evening at all, but it was still good to see how bland and boring those people seemed, like if it happened today, I could totally take them on and have a fair chance of winning. In my memories, they were always so impossibly cool and strong and glamorous.
Great! Yay!!! Here's an interesting story - I went on a date with someone from a dating site. His stated age was 5 years younger than me (go girl!). As we talked we discovered we went to the same H.S. and that he had LIED about his age - we were in the same class! I didn't recognize him but when I heard his last name it sounded familiar. He didn't recognize me or my name. He was one of the popular people. He spent the entire date reminiscing fondly about all the great H.S. years - I was triggered the whole time - trying not to let on about my place in that culture. I found him to be lost and superficial. Then I put together that the town I grew up in was white bread red neck suburbia - not my type of people at all! Even if I had been normal, I wouldn't have fit in. I guess the whole deal was a double whammy for me. He wanted to see me again! Obviously I said no thank you. I actually felt sorry for him that he is still stuck in that (for me) empty "culture."
That was quite the experience! An up front and personal look at the past in the present and a cure for old fears - brilliant!
It speaks volumes about your recovery that you were able to see things so clearly now. You might have bought into his view of things and wondered why you had a problem. But you didn't - kudos :applause:
Thank you :wave:
:waveline:
:hug:
Reading the posts here makes me wonder...where is a good place to find out information about BULLYING? I was also Bullied for most of My school age.. :sadno:
Hi BeHealthy :wave:
Thank you!!! Your post helped me expand my view of a full life. Does it mean living like a Hollywood celebrity or a sports legend? It's easy to buy into this view unconsciously and then see your life as small. Thank you for the beautiful reframe :applause: