Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Actually my upstairs neighbour is beginning her move, by her small car so who knows how long it will take. She's moving out for good and not coming back.

I've just been on my professional forum and lo and behold a colleague (not that I know her) is looking for a native English-speaker lit. translator at the request of her editor. I started writing an email and then just blocked. Practically speaking, it's not a good time but still a good idea to have a chance at contact to the editor. But as I say, I blocked. Maybe later today.

Other things are flowing atm. Yesterday I felt good about the sorting and filing I'm doing. It's a new feeling. I feel fairly grounded in my Adult when doing it.

I was reading some old inpatient report yesterday in which M's (then) current age was mentioned. 59 yo. That's 7 years older than I am now. And it's not old. It's certainly not too old to be doing some work-on-self as we all are here. It's not an age thing, she just doesn't want to have to change anything. I know this is nothing new in itself but it just really hit me seeing her age in the report.

Thank you Armee and CF for your validation and care.

[Blueberry]

This time last week I felt quite good and stable. Now feel very alone, unstable and incapable of moving forward in any way tho I have to.

I hear the benefits of observing not absorbing. But I absorbed and took on what LL wrote in his latest missive - it's a load of blame basically though he has nobody to blame but himself and his own actions for me getting help from Tenant's Rights and also his continued actions in being scarce with the truth. He's bullying me, trying to make me decide between dealing with him alone or having Tenant's Rights deal with him. The latter would sound logical but they aren't always up to date on my internal decision-making process. It's not exactly like your long-term family lawyer's where they get paid tons of money for leading you through by the hand, if that ever happens anyway.

November 1st is a public holiday here so no occupational T. otoh my psycho T has recovered unexpectedly early from Covid so I'll get an appt this coming Thursday.

I know things could be far, far worse. But that's not exactly helping me rn.

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

your own struggles are bad enough for you, blueberry.  sorry about the ongoing LL thing.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all 

I've given LL a couple of suggestions, one yesterday, one today. Yesterday's he turned down. That tells me he'll be putting my rent up once this place is renovated, which means I won't be returning. Changes lead to new opportunities, but losing yard/garden is a big blow to me.

I'm a bit spaced or I suppose dissociated in order to deal with it all.

My suggestions to LL are negotiating under what conditions I would take the apt he's found for me for the interim. Except I know now it won't be the interim but probably a year or two until I can get a spot in social housing. There are long waiting lists and I'm not even on a waiting list yet. I 'should' be of course but I'm not and 'should' doesn't help.

Done a bunch of cowering under the bedclothes today but I did also go out and pick Greens for my furbabies, went for a tiny little cycle, chatted to a couple of people, smelled my rose and gave away / threw out some stuff. But I need to go through way more stuff and throw away / give away.

I feel bad writing on here because ICr is saying I'm not moving on anything rn, just wasting time. But I guess I keep needing downtime in order to then pick myself up again and start moving. I handed in my notice on my office today which is a big and final decision and I'm more in tune with clearing it out than my apt. But it's all back to front because I'll have to move out of my apt first. Yeah so ICr is wrong as usual. 

[sanmagic7]

big moves, big losses - no wonder you want to stay under the covers for a time!  it sounds to me like self-care, so i'm glad you're doing it.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

I agree, inner critic is wrong. You are resting, storing energy for a difficult couple months, and thinking about how to handle this situation. You get stuff done when it needs to be done.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and Armee for understanding and caring

LL hasn't responded to my additional offer. It is a public holiday here today but it wasn't yesterday. Late yesterday I remembered not to start panicking about 'nowhere to go' and ending up homeless because a) LL is merely showing his true colours and b) he is going to have to wait till my next official appt at Tenant's Rights which is in one week. Yup, he's going to have to wait a whole 7 days. I've known about having to move for a mere 2 1/2 weeks tomorrow (which isn't long when you have to be given 3 months' notice for moving in normal circumstances). I've known even less time that I'll have to move everything out of current apt including curtains, light fixtures etc and that I'll be somewhere else for months not weeks. That means the emergency places I found at short notice are all less than ideal. My time and effort wasted by LL.

[Blueberry]

Reminder to self: LL is going to try and pressure me but Tenant's Rights has my back. LL is being unreasonable and so he is going to have to wait. End of.

[sanmagic7]

thank goodness tenants rights has your back, blueberry.  what a pickle to be in.  i understand the anxiety around not knowing where you're going to live, and it's awful.  much care and compassion coming to you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you understand that kind of anxiety too san because that says to me you've been through it. But thank you for saying so. It helps. 

Tenant's rights does have my back, I think anyway, but still waiting for the other shoe to drop - that somehow LL will win out. As I write that B1 and to a lesser extent enF pass by my inner eye. Well, it's useful to know that the fear that somehow LL will win in the end is based on stuff out of my past.

_______
Today a friend was helping me sort papers and look for others. Turned out I don't actually need the 'others' for the moment, oh well. I was pretty spaced most of the time. It was really difficult. At least some stuff is properly filed and other papers in the bin.

I'm going to go and attempt to write a letter to FOO on Recovery letters because it's easier for me to write them on here than on paper. But actually I intend to write this letter in some form or other. Tomorrow I have psycho T so want to take letter and read it there.

[Blueberry]

I'm having a hard time accepting myself today - about my backlog in papers and sorting and getting docs for tax year 2021 to accountant in time or rather not getting them there in time, but I need that tax done so I can apply for subsidised housing. Which I need in about 4 months. However much like 'should' for today or tomorrow or some other future time is not helpful, 'should have' in the past is even less helpful.

[rainydiary]

I'm here with you today in the place of having trouble accepting oneself. 

[Armee]

 

I relate to the backlog BB. And it sounds like you are under enormous stress with FOO and living uncertainty and finances. Cutting yourself slack would probably be reasonable and in the long run more productive. 

A little tiny bit at a time like just putting all the papers in a pile for one day then sorting into piles the next then sorting thru each pile slowly. .or whatever it takes to not be such an overwhelming task. That's how I have to approach that stuff.