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Hi Larry,

I have been reading but not posting (that old fear...).  I just wanted to say your openess and honesty are so brave and inspiring (but I know it probably doesnt feel that way).  I struggle with similar issues too, and I know how hard they are....your writings helped lessen my shame, seeing someone so brave struggle too.  I hope to gain the courage to start my own Recovery Journal soon.

It seems you have had some good days lately.....I hope you are feeling better.  I could see more joy in your words the last few posts and was so happy!  You are working so hard and this is definitely the place to be supported and included.  Things will go up and down, but you will always get support here.  And without knowing it, some of us are encouraged just by your honesty and willingness to keep pushing on.  So thank you for sharing your story.

Finding Peace

It is tough,  and boy can I ever relate to the loneliness.   It sounds like you are really doing some hard work though and "listening" to you, revelations come at the right time, or at least in my experience they helped me see things in a clearer way.

I am so sorry I did not receive your message!  I will try to message you to see if it goes thru.  We are all here with you, sending hugs if ok, if not, disregard.

Sending care and thoughts your way....

Hi Snookiebookie2.  I did tell my employer, actually 2 weeks into the quarantine this year.  I got completely overwhelmed by work and having my daughter e-learning at home.  I was not thrilled that I had to disclose, but my boss did already know.  I needed to take medical leave, so HR had to be made aware of my "PTSD (Complex PTSD isnt in the DSM so we used PTSD for medical leave pay) due to childhood trauma".  I had alot of reservations, but not much of a choice.  After everything, I was able to return to work, 3 days per week instead of 4.  I was off for 2 months.  It was exactly what I needed.  We increased my therapy, and I was able to realize how close I was to a breakdown.  I never slow down, even when I need to.  So this was a necessary wake up call for me.

I hope this helped.   Please let us know how you are doing and what you decide.  We are here in support with however you decide to handle this.

I am so sorry for all you have "known" BJeanGrey.  I can feel the pain of knowing in your words.  I wish you didnt "know" all this, but I want to thank you for writing it.  Your words really resonate with me, there is something comforting knowing you arent the only one.  Sitting with you in this if thats ok....

Hey dreamriver, I have to say I am struggling with some of the same things you are right now.  I have been NC with my family for awhile  but still close with my brother.  He and I (as you know from reading my posts) had another huge blow out and havent spoken in almost 4 weeks.  Here is what I can share....

My mother was the most toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive person in my life.  I went NC after a huge fight with her where I basically couldnt bury my head in the sand re: her cruelty and severe mental illness any longer.  I have stayed strong for almost 3 years now.  It was VERY hard in the beginning.  Self doubt, self blame, anxiety, panic, fear, you name it.  However, my gut would not let me go back.  As each day passed, it got a bit easier,  but I didnt notice that until I was about a few months in.  Now I can see how much more calm and peaceful my life is without her in it.  I consider that my reward.  Not that it doesnt suck, I wish more than anything I had a mom, just not the one I was born to.

As far as the situation with my brother, that I am struggling more with.  Right now, Im trying to choose space for us by not contacting him (he upset me by being disrespectful,  and I LOST IT, so I am to blame here too).  I think this one is harder because although he is severely affected by our upbringing, there has been love and some support there too.   For right now, Im focusing on me, self care, and healing some hurt.  Im also sending love and prayers his way.

Sorry so long,  my point is in my experience, NC has happened for different reasons.  I feel some people need to be removed permanently from my life so I can get healthy, and some may just need to be put on hold for a bit.  It sounds like this is really wearing on you right now (as it did/does for me, and probably everyone else in the same spot).  My advice would be, when it feels "too permanent" or it feels like it is overwhelming you, maybe tell yourself "this doesnt have to be forever, it just has to be for right now".  For me, that takes some pressure off. 

I hope some of this helps or at least makes you feel less alone. 

Feel free to message me personally if you ever want to.  If not, absolutely no worries!  Sending support and a hug if thats ok 

Im so sorry you are struggling with this and all these awful feelings Starkravingsane.  Im no expert, and dont really have any advice, but wanted to let you know I understand what you are going thru.  I was once sober for 6.5 years, then we had our daughter which turned out to be very triggering (ie: how can I protect and nurture this baby to ensure her safety and health?).  Her birth led me down this journey and to my CPTSD diagnosis. 

I know the guilt, shame and pain of "relapsing".  I know these feeling of doing it over and over again.  Im still struggling with drinking, but am better than I was years ago (although I get triggered easier now which causes issues).  So, again, Im sorry, I dont have any good advice.  But I hear you.

One thing I would say, is to try and be kind to yourself.  We are human beings who have faced the awful, awful side of humanity.  You are doing the best you can, and beating yourself up will not undo your drinking.  Its hard, I get it.  Especially when we have spent so much time being beaten up by others.  But please, treat yourself as you would a friend who is struggling with these same issues.  Self compassion has started to help me in many areas....but it is baby steps....

I also wanted to say thank you for being so brave and posting this.  I have wanted to post on this board so many times but have been to scared to.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but I guess it helps to share our experiences.  You helped me, so thank you.  I hope I have heloed you even if it is in the smallest way.  You are not alone.

I second woodsgnome's statements.   What an intelligent take on our suffering.  Thank you so much woodsgnome.  That was so comforting to read.

Something I want people to know about CPTSD is that it is not a sign of weakness.  In fact, its proof of my strength.  Its how I survived everything meant to destroy me.

Hi OceanStar.  I dont know if I would say I "need" the flashbacks....I actually am very scared of remembering.  However, I have been having some creep thru (my trauma therapist said Im so blocked and the abuse happened at such a young age, I may never access most memories).  And when they do, they MAKE SO MUCH SENSE!  I feel like Im not crazy, like things are "clicking into place" if that makes sense.  And Im not super fearful when I do remember, although nothing super graphic has come thru in months.  So I think what you are feeling may very well be normal.  I can definitely see where you are coming from.  Especially if you have been told it didnt happen, or you are "remembering wrong".  I think to have pieces of the puzzle fit after years of confusion,  to me, it would make sense to want more of that.  As much as Im terrified of flashbacks, I end up so relieved (in a weird way) to have remembered something I have suspected.  I guess it feels validating to me.

I know some therapists believe you have to remember to heal and some do not.  I think it depends on the person.  I hope this helps!

Hey Persistant!  Wow, thank you for your kind words....I was hoping to support you and here you are, supporting me!!!  Im grateful for it, you are very wise.  Im looking forward to getting to know you too, you are SPOT ON with how this community is so integral to our healing.  I have been having a tough week (as you know.....some are good and some are bad) and this forum and these people have helped so much!  I absolutely adore how you put it....soul friends.  I dont think it could be described better. 

Im so glad you are here and am really looking forward to getting to know you too.  Its a great place with so many very wise and compassionate people!

I have decided to stay awhile.  I think Im going to sit on the comfy couches on the Porch and maybe sit quietly with some friends here....I hope the dogs and cats are out playing on the lawn, I love to watch them have so much fun....

Hi Persistant (great name btw).  I just saw your first post now and this thread.  I was only diagnosed a little over 2 years ago after searching for what was "wrong" with me for 20 years.  And I signed up here a year and a half ago.  This place and these people are what I have needed my whole life.  I think you will find a "home" here, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry you are considering going NC (not because it is "wrong" but because I know the pain of the idea).  When I first went NC with my mom (almost 3 years ago, because I really had no other choice) it was awful.....because I was trained to be her sole caretaker.  No one could relate.  This was my journey, it may not be yours.  What Im trying to say is, I know the agony, the pain, and the self doubt.  Whatever you do or dont do, whenever you do it, or dont do it, this community will be here with you.  And we are here for any other posts you post, on whatever is burdening you.  Im doing better with the NC (it was necessary for me), but I have many, many other issues, fears, doubts, crises I need help with.  I come here.  It never ceases to amaze me that we all have varied backrounds (abuse, neglect, etc. from our pasts) but everyone gets it.  Everyone cheers you on here.  Or holds your hand.  This place is so supportive and healing.

Sorry for rambling.  Im glad you are here.  You are NOT alone.  Welcome and I hope this forum helps ease your burden a bit as you need.....

This is my first time on the Healing Porch, although I have seen it referenced on other boards here.  Its just what I need....Im coming here today, and Im going to just "be" for awhile.  Someone, maybe it was Notalone, mentioned stuffed animals.  I always wanted one of those HUGE child sized stuffed animals to just curl up into.  Im going to do that for awhile.  And Im going to watch all of my friends sit quietly, play hopscotch, laugh and chat together....all the wonderful, sweet and safe things that happen here.  And I look forward to joining in when I have the energy.  For now, Im just soaking in the safety, peace, and unconditional acceptance of the kindest people I have ever encountered.  Thank you so much for this porch, it really is healing....

Im so sorry EdenJoy1.  I want you to know I read your post and have alot of the same feelings.  I know my childhood trauma changed me and it makes being an adult and navigating life so difficult at times.  I hope you can rest  even if you can just lay your head down and get a little break.  Im sending a cup of tea and sitting with you if thats helpful, please disregard if its not.  You are not alone.

I think you are taking really great care of yourself by stepping back for a bit DreamRiver.  It takes alot of courage to put ourselves first (even tho sometimes its absolutely imperative).  IMO, you have done well by yourself and your FOO, you are right, they may beed this as well.  And if nothing else, you get to focus on the good things you said are currently going on in your life.....big hooray for you!  I hope these good things help ease some of the pain and uncertainty, and give you something happy to focus on.... if thats ok....