Transference

[BigGreenSee123]

I sent a quick text to my T yesterday afternoon. Still no response. I get it, what I'm feeling now is likely a product of transference. And I dint believe she would do this to purposefully harm me. But still, I just feel terrible.

The last appointment I had she said she wasn't abandoning me. And now this. I've been trying so hard to trust her and talk to her and hold on to the belief that she is on my side and cares about me.

But now. Ugh. The sense of solitude and fear and hopelessness. I feel frozen, like I can't possibly continue on with my day. I want to escape. And I just want her to text me back. But I'm not sure that would change things. And I'm mad but I can't be. And this is the dynamic that feels dangerous - I don't feel like I trust anyone but her so I'm always going to want to forgive her, and I can't be mad because then I've got noone.

I've been here before. I recognize what this is and I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for things. But that doesn't make me feel any better.

I just don't feel well today.

[Dyess]

BGS123 sorry you are feeling so bad today. Yes, transference is a terrible thing to have to go through. I wish it wouldn't happen to anyone. I'm so afraid of it happening that I keep myself very closed off to my T and that can't be good. My T gave me some strict boundary guidelines at the first meeting. So I know I can't text her, email her, but I can call her if it's an emergency. Otherwise I just have to wait to the next session to talk to her. Sucks sometimes.

[BigGreenSee123]

Thanks Trace. I ended up reaching out to my T again. Turns out she had never received any message which doesn't surprise me because my phone has been acting weird lately

It is hard. And I am embarrassed by my extreme reaction. And I'd like to believe something like this won't happen again, though it probably will.

But, on the other side of things now I also feel a weird sense of...gratitude? It's taken me a long time to get to this place so it might  not look like it but I think it may be a sign of progress. And the way my T responded to my slight freak out was with understanding and kindness. Maybe I can trust her. Maybe next time I'll be able to handle the situation better. Maybe this experience is worth something.

I wish you the best in your own process. When I started I never expected it to be this hard. I'm holding onto how that it's worth it, though.

[Dyess]

From what I understand they are used to the transference and know how to deal with it. It's very common. Why wouldn't it be? You open up your heart and soul to someone who appears to care and wants to help, what's not to like there? I'm glad things are better for you, really I am.

[BigGreenSee123]

I couldn't agree more. And thank you

[Dyess]

You betcha!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi BigGreenSee123,

I'm glad things have improved for you, and a considerable part of your agony was due to a simple technological glitch. It's weird, no?, how we (cPTSD sufferers especially, but the population at large as well I think) reflect misfortunes as this towards our own failings, or on that of others. For me, in my recovery process, it's been helpful to remind myself of that to help me calm down. The downside is unfortunately that my 'condition' often obfuscates my clarity of mind to access that awareness/knowledge.
I hope and wish you can find some comfort in the fact that, in hindsight, you were spot on with:

And I didn't believe she would do this to purposefully harm me.

I think confidence can be had/gained that through all the muddy, foggy thoughts and feelings you had, you still managed to see the forest for the trees. 

I had to look up 'transference', but now that I have I want to echo the wise words of Trace:

From what I understand they are used to the transference and know how to deal with it. It's very common. Why wouldn't it be? You open up your heart and soul to someone who appears to care and wants to help, what's not to like there?

and well done! You bet this experience is worth something!

[BigGreenSee123]

The downside is unfortunately that my 'condition' often obfuscates my clarity of mind to access that awareness/knowledge.

I agree, Dutch Uncle, very much so. I often feel like I am frequently "re-learning" the same things over and over, things I have only ever "forgotten" because emotion clouds my mind. One of the mostly oddly frustrating parts for me is in experiences like this where the knowledge is there but I can't fully connect to it because the other stories being told by my doubt and fear, etc. feel so much more convincing.

It is movement in the right direction, though, so I'll take what I can get.

[arpy1]

  to you BGS123.

One of the mostly oddly frustrating parts for me is in experiences like this where the knowledge is there but I can't fully connect to it because the other stories being told by my doubt and fear, etc. feel so much more convincing.

exactly. that's the big sting in the tail with emotional flashbacks. no matter how much u try to rationalise, the emotions are just too strong and debilitating.    for me, it helps to remember to tell myself  that it is a flashback that's causing the trouble. then it's not too disheartening. if you're anything like me, it still takes ages to get over it, but at least you've remembered that you eventually will. that helps, when you're stuck right in the middle of it!

[tired]

I am like that all the time very day with therapists and other people that don't matter as much. It's like some kind of reflex that doesn't even mean anything anymore. That might not be the case with you but I'm suggesting that you don't assign meaning to it that it doesn't deserve. It means something, just maybe not something of monumental importance. What I mean is not to minimize it but to put it in the category of what I call mind-stuff.  I use the word stuff because it's like stuff I have all over my bedroom floor. It's not junk, it's not treasure, it's just stuff that I trip over.