Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

thank you guys.
I lied to him and said no, i havent told anyone. he hasn't responded to me yet. I feel sick to my core when I think of  it. its not in my value to outright lie to someone, even if I do it for Good reasons. what if later he finds out about it and gets lasting trust issues, I mean more than he already has. then that is on me. I know how awful it is to walk around and not be sure if I can trust people or not.

I went to the SA support centre yesterday and I talked to one of the staff people there. she said that I did the right thing, I didn't do it out of spite or to harm him. but to care for him and for myself. and that now I need to listen to what I need to make choices that is right for my life, not his. I need to do what is best for me. she also told me that when she got divorced it took about a year for it to not hurt so much. but they had a small child together so there was always a reminder for her that her child would celebrate things without her father. so the hurt took longer.

so I am now practicing not being taken by the snowballing effect of thoughts and emotions of guilt and shame. I really do feel like I have let him down. I do feel like I am not really allowed to stand up for myself. that I am supposed to suffer in silence in a bad environment. its not that he is bad or abusive, its just not healthy for us to stay together. I am not Good for him, and he suffocates me with the constant need for me to fix everything.

I am trying my best to be strong. trying my best to distract myself, but I am so exhausted I could barely get out of bed today. I did though, three times. and I walked the dogs and cuddled them a little. but I just feel like going back under the blanket and dissappear from the world.

[Not Alone]

Good job of getting support for yourself at the SA centre. Also  walking the dogs. Sometimes that is a big accomplishment.

"Not healthy to stay together" is enough reason to leave. No he is not bad or abusive, but the relationship is not good for you. I know this is really hard. In the long run, I think, it is probably better for him too, although it is 100% okay to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I know your heart is really hurting.

[Sceal]

Thank you notalone, those words means alot for me to hear coming from someone else.
Somehow when they come from me, they don't feel quite... allowed or meaningful. Like I am lying to myself.

I still don't believe I am worthy of much, or of anything really. Which has always bothered me because I am constantly trying to do things that would make it seem like I do believe I am worthy. Taking place in the world. I've always dreamt about doing something that mattered, something important. But who am I, to do that? When I have no worth? It's a paradox.

I've been utterly exhausted the last few days. I haven't had any contact with him, I assume he is still angry with me. Still pondering in his world whom he can trust and who he can't. I know that loneliness all too well, but right now, in this moment (this will change) I can say that I do believe he needs to make the changes of his own violition. It doesn't matter if I make him, or if his mother makes him make the changes, or take any desicion. It wont last for long if he isn't doing it of his own will. But he just needs a kick to get started. And someone to hold his hand I think.

Today I was fearful that staying with my parents would flare up my allergies to such a degree that I will be in a constant mindfog and heavy body that I wont be able to get out of it until I move out of here. But it started to lift after dinner time, so I think although my allergies are probably having a party of their own.. This exhaustion is purely emotional and stress induced.
I have been listening to Brene Brown alot the last few days, and been trying to convince myself to do some introspection, and look for answers and clarity within myself. I haven't gotten the hang of actually sitting down and doing the work to do it. But I hope that by listening to youtube clips of her is a step in the right direction, it's a start.
She said something in one of the videos I watched that got to me. Which is "I will determine what is right for me. You will not", It is paraquoting, as I don't remember the second half all that well. But it is about having boundaries to choosing what is right for oneself.

Due to my PF, I think I often revert to others opinions of me to decide whether I shall go through with something or not. If it's too conflicting in a negative way I wont pursue it, but if it'll put me in a positive light in some way: the chances are much higher that I will go through with it.  But I often will need "social permission", I need others to tell me it's okay to do this or that. To think this or that, to feel this or that.
I am working on allowing myself not to ask others for permission in this. It is a hard habit to crack though, especially since there are so many other habits I need to kick at the same time. and like my old psychology professor said "you wont be able to make more than 1 change at a time, the brain needs all the energy to maintain the willpower to not revert back into old habits".
I think that's very much true.  And which is why I'm not moving forward at the speed I'd like to. Because I'm trying to change and deal with too much at once. It's always been like this. It's like it's never good enough to deal with one thing at a time, and that it's not good enough to repeat the learning process for the same thing over an extended period of time until it sits beneath your skin... Because everything has to happen now, now,now. But preferably Yesterday.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I am popping over to give you a hug, if that's ok    I really appreciated you doing that in my Journal, and I just wanted to make sure you knew how much it meant - thank you. 

I haven't heard Brene Brown talk before, but I have read one of her books, and I thought she has some really positive things to say, and I'm glad you're finding her talks helpful.  I might have a look for some too. 

I related so much to what you wrote in the second paragraph of  your journal entry - and I agree it's a paradox to feel that way.    It touched me emotionally to read those words, and I want to say that I feel you have a lot of worth, and that you are worthy of so much - and yet, I know how difficult it is to feel that within oneself, it's very emotive to consider that.

I really like what you said (quoting Brene) about having boundaries and choosing what is right for oneself.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

my dear sweet sceal,

the idea of taking care of another adult is something we've often been taught is our responsibility (and i'm not talking about someone who is physically infirm) but he is grown and able - if he chooses - to take care of himself.  honestly, too many times people leech onto others they see as strong so they don't have to do the work.  i've had too many of them in my life, and this pattern seems familiar.

you've done what you could do for him, and i commend you for that.  now, it's up to him to reach out to others in his life, or if he needs a stick, they're the ones who can wield it.  it's ok for you to be done with him and his life.  you've done more than enough - you've shown him through your own behaviors that it's ok to ask for help, how to get help, how and why to do the work to help yourself.  he will remain a child emotionally if he's treated like one.  it's not your job anymore to hold his hand while he crosses the street.

the other thing is that you've given him plenty of notice that you were leaving, so it's not like this was a shock to him.  he knew it was coming, and he could've started doing something different with his life to fill in that hole.  he chose not to.  his anger at being 'found out' is his own shame or guilt (in my opinion only) for not doing what he needs to do to help himself.  his trust issues were already there, so that's not on you, either. 

i agree w/ the counselor who told you it's time to start looking at your life, your wants and needs now.  believe me, i do understand how difficult this can be - i've had to do it before, and it's no easy task.  when we're used to taking care of someone, trying to show them the way, encouraging them to do what they need to do, it's hard to give up that role.  it leaves a hole in our own lives.  i believe that hole now needs to be filled w/ you, sceal, your wishes, values, enjoyments, pleasures, what's helpful to you to continue in your healing.

he's either going to pick himself up by his bootstraps, or he will sit in his own puddle of dismay, but that's not on you.  you do not have to answer to him anymore.  i think you lied to him to take care of yourself in that moment, at the same time you were trying to make it as easy as possible for him.  it's ok for you to be focused on yourself now - which may be an alien concept.  i get that.  and grieving.  unfortunately, it just wasn't a healthy relationship, and i think you deserve a lot of credit for recognizing that and taking care of yourself, no matter how much this separation hurts.

forgive my longwindedness.  i feel very badly for you, what you've gone thru with this, what you're going thru now.  i care very much for you and your wellbeing.  i hope you continue to talk to others about this.  i think you did absolutely the right thing for the right reasons.  love and a hug filled w/ angel wings to enfold you as you go thru this difficult time.

[Sceal]

Hope and San: I will respond to you a little later.

---
Just came out from my session with Lady T. She had my letter with her. She said it was a valid and we'll composed and well thought out letter.
She didn't have alot of answers for me though, but she agrees with me that we haven't been following the goal of trauma therapy the last year. Especially not after last summer. That we have touched upon it but then derails.
She's not sure if it's her mistake that this happened. I said I suspect it is me. Not being able to actually use the words and talk about the things I need to talk about. I don't have the guts or the vocabulary to do it.
She said she isn't sure, but she thinks that what I need is stability and more experience in mastering of things. Feeling that I too can achieve thing. That it leads to a genuine sense of mastery and feeling of trust within me. And I told her that I don't disagree with her on this. I do need more stability and feelings of mastery and practice navigating relationships.
She's not wrong.
But she also feels that trauma therapy isn't what's going to be helpful for me for now. She's not sure it ever really will be. She can't say one way or either for sure. I might just not be strong enough to go through the trauma therapy (my words not hers). This saddens me.
If that is the case then... There really isn't much hope.
She also is unsure whether the help that I need for now is by a psychologist. Or even by her. Shes unsure if she is able to continue to help me. That it has any effect.

It hasn't fully sunk in yet. We spent some time talking about roomie too. And the fact that I might be in the middle of a burnout.

I am cold. I don't feel like I want to do anything. Nothing is interesting or important. I am just going through the motions when I have to.
I am so tired. I wake up in the mornings and then I remain awake for 2-3 hours before I need a nap. Caffein doesnt help.

[sanmagic7]

sceal,

i do want you to know that i read what you posted twice, and have thought a lot about it.  i've looked at it from both a forum friend's perspective, and the perspective of a professional.

as a friend, i'm sorry for how bad you're feeling.  i also agree that you may be suffering from burnout, given the circumstances.  moving out is a huge thing to deal with all on its own.  moving on from a relationship is another huge thing to deal with.  moving to a place where your space is much more limited - huge.  and, the news that Lady T dropped on you during all this, while you were dealing w/ these huge things would rock anyone's boat on its own.  it's timing, however, was significant as to the size and depth of it. 

you've been dealing with all these things at the same time, and still trying to put into place a plan for your roomie to get help and support.  sceal, can you see, as i do, how much work you've been doing, physically, mentally, and emotionally in a very short time?  anyone could be burned out from this.  this has been a tremendous amount of work you've been tackling.  now you have a chance to rest for a bit, and that can absolutely cause you to feel like you've crashed.

please, take care of yourself as best you can, ok?  you deserve some tender loving care right now, and i'm sending a hug filled with it.

as a professional, i don't necessarily agree with Lady t's assessment of you, your strength, and your progress.  what you've just been wrestling with has taken enormous strength, and you got thru it.  i don't know why she didn't point this out to you.  i don't think your case is hopeless.  it may just be that she doesn't have the tools, knowledge, and wisdom needed to take you further.  that happens with t's and clients.  sometimes we outgrow our t's, and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong or weak or hopeless about us when it happens. 

i think it was her duty to keep your therapy on track for you.  there are ways to help clients who don't always have the right words at the exact time they're asked about something.  trauma is all about fear, so being afraid to talk about something seems pretty natural to me.  of course, i don't know you as well as you know you - i only know you from what you've written here.  what i've seen, tho, is someone who continues to persevere, who has overcome quite a few obstacles already, manages situations differently than she used to, and is learning from her experiences with relationships.  the idea that you knew you had to move on from the relationship w/ your roomie is proof of that.

practice with all this stuff comes with time.  you've made some giant steps, which amounts to a great deal of practice.  you'll now be able to assess relationships a little easier, keep boundaries, know what's good for you and what isn't, what you want from another person, how to continue making decisions that are in your own best interest.  i already see you doing these things, even if little by little.  it all counts, and i think you've been doing a really good job for yourself, even if you can't see it.  the practice is what helps instill it, whatever 'it' is,  in yourself.  much love to you.

[Not Alone]

 

[Sceal]

Dear san, I will attempt to answer both of your well thoughtout and written replies.ni <m sorry it has taken me this long to get back to you.
Mr. T told me today that whenever i am talking sbout my ex it sounds as if I became his second mother and not his girlfriend. that he then used me in that capacity. he didnt have to deal with things because I did it for him. Still, after I moved out I was the one calling the GP for an appointment. soon he will be forced to learn this on his own. I suspect learning thus as an adult is really going to make it all the more difficult for him. and also, since he unintentionally gave me a "mother" identity role it is harder to lose me, as mothers arent supposed to leave.
i cant make up my mind though if this is something he does intentionally or if he is unaware of what he is doing. or that his lack of actions have consequences for other people than himself. if it is the first option; then he is an A#!&6: if it is the second, then he has a much bigger problem.
I do have a really hard time not helping out friends and people I care about who struggle if they ask for it, or if I think my help is useful. my core values is about helping others. but i think that i have been helping others at the expense of my own health and wellbeing far too much in my life, that it is now too difficult to break out of this habit. i still believe that i need to be punished for leaving him. for leaving him in such a bad place. although, if i examine that a bit further; I gave him plenty of warning. he has had plenty of time to figure things out or ask for help elsewhere.  I agree with you that if he is never given the chance to grow up, then he wont. I just hate that I am the one who has to be "responsible" for giving him this chance. that it affects me.
For selfish reasons i wish he would move back to his family. that way he would have a support system. although he might never grow up that way...  but, there would be no chance of me running into him in public.. I wouldnt have to deal with him anymore

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, sceal.  i've made the same mistake myself in relationships, but have also refused to take a mother role with men, and i have lost relationships because of that.  some men really do want someone who will mother them - i'm not saying that's what your roomie did, but it is a possibility.  i've seen this more than once, even with their partner shopping for their clothes, telling them what to wear, what not to wear, laying out their clothes for the day, making their meals cuz 'otherwise he won't eat'.  making appointments for them, calling in sick for them - the list goes on.  all things that an adult does for themselves, but they like to have someone else do it for them.

as helpers, it's very easy to fall into that role.  i've also bent over backwards to help people when i think it would be helpful, but i've gotten caught in that 'caretaker' role more than once.  they weren't taking care of themselves, so i'd step in to 'help' them (gender didn't matter - i'd do it for most everyone).  it ended up with me getting sick, breaking down, feeling like i'm going crazy in my own mind, frustrated, even angry at them cuz they weren't doing what needed to be done for themselves. 

it's a terrible cycle to be stuck in.  one thing that helped me was realizing that it wasn't my job to do for another adult what that adult could do for themselves.  we do need to take care of children, but consequences of us taking care of adults in the same way usually blow back and bite us on the butt!  we end up getting sick mentally, emotionally, and physically because of all the energy and time we've expended on them.  if they turn it back on you, try to make you feel guilty or sorry for them, then they're manipulating you.  and healthy relationships aren't built on manipulations.

if i may add a different perspective here, i think you are giving him a gift by allowing him to be an adult man, figuring out his problems and what he needs to do about them.  yes, it affects you because you've been trained so well to be a helper to whoever asks for help, or looks helpless.  i think this is an opportunity for you to take a look at boundaries, respect for the individuality and autonomy of him and others, and make different decisions about what is actually your problem and what problems belong to the other person.

don't get me wrong - this is tough stuff.  our training has included guilt and shame at not being everything to everybody, but i do believe that training was for the advantage of someone else, and wasn't in our own best interest.  so, we have to deal with the fallout in situations like you describe and do the hard work of changing our own dynamic, our own perspective, and our own behaviors.   

as always, this is only my opinion.  if it doesn't fit for you, please feel free to ignore it.  and, no apologies necessary.  this is very rough terrain you're walking through.    sending love and a hug filled with self-compassion

[Sceal]

Dear San,
I agree that I have doing favours for him for too long that hasn't been... Well favourable. As they are just keeping him in not making choices for himself. I do think that I am painting a very harsh painting of him though. I just want to point out that there is more to him than all that I have recently written about.

I hope that down the line he will see it as a good thing that we moved apart. That he had to start learning to do certain things on his own, not least to ask for help.

---
I am still utterly exhausted. I spend all day trying to get enough energy to go work out. Because it is the only thing right now that gives me joy, and after my workout I get such a rush of joy and energy. And I long for more of that. I think that is the only thing that is preventing me from really go crazy. I am proud of myself and impressed that I am doing this despite being so exhausted. I aren't able to take the dogs for walks, I just let then out in the garden or take them up to the mailbox. It's not enough, but it is all that I can do. I am going to ask my GP for a sickleave tomorrow.

I saw ex-roomie today. I needed his signature. He had some potential good news. And he looked a fraction better than last I saw him. I wasn't left with feeling utterly awful. So there is hope there too.

I am worried about the covid19 thing. Trying not to think too much about it.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i never thought of him as a bad guy, never.  i understand the dynamic.  i didn't think you painted a harsh picture of him at all.  it was simply that the two of you were caught in such a dynamic - that doesn't necessarily have to do w/ either person being bad.  i also hope he will see the benefit for himself and his life.

congrats on going to work out!   you've been dealing with so much, i'm not surprised you're exhausted.  i'm glad ex roomie looked a little better.  that's good news.

i think that coronavirus thing is on most everyone's mind right now.  we're washing hands and using alcohol  as a sanitizer like never before.  just stay cautious.  love and hugs, sceal.

[Sceal]

  Thank you San.

--

I am not doing so well today. I realize I haven't been doing so well for a while really. But sometimes I go into this "survival mode" - where I don't pay attention to how I am really feeling. I guess I stop feeling so much, because I just have to go through the motions. I get thoughts, scary thoughts and worries and I talk about them - I don't talk about my emotions.
But I also realised that I only talk about some of my thoughts, and I always try to defend myself while talking about my thoughts. I rarely ever just "purge" my emotions and my thoughts.  I don't really know who to do that too... Who'd listen without give advice? Who would listen and just give me a hug and hold my hand for a bit.  That's not what Lady T is for. And Mr. T will just ask a lot of questions and challenge my thoughts - which is good, but it prevents me from feeling much. It makes me defensieve.

Yesterday when I went to the gym to workout, everything was fine until I got off the public transport and I had a panic attack. I didn't really realize that was what was happening. I kept thinking I'd left the house with the stove on, and I had boiled potatoes before I left and I knew i'd taken the water out of the pan and left the potatoes in it, so I could have my dinner when I got home. But then I started panicking that the house was burning down and that the dogs would be killed and it would be all my fault. I called my sister, and I told her about it. She didn't really help out, and when I told her she was just making my fears grow stronger she decided to drive to my home to make sure everything was in order. Everything was in order. I thanked her profusely. It would have taken me 45 minutes to get home, for her it was 20 min. And I wouldn't have been in any state to drive a car.  I am very thankful she helped out. Usually when these kinds of panic attack occurs something is happening within me. I'm denying something, I'm ignoring something. I just.. I can't find out what it is, I can't connect with it. I don't know what's going on.

Right now, I am feeling sad.  I think. I think it is sadness. Since I just collapsed on the floor ugly crying. I just don't know why.  I think I am also scared, but I'm not entirely sure what I am scared of. I wish I knew what it was, so I could figure out a way to face it. But being scared without knowing why, it's something else.
I mean I could list up all the things that I've been doing lately. Exhibition, moving, the emotional stuff with my ex, the worry, Lady T leaving, Covid-19.. And it should be enough, more than enough. It just.. I'm not sure that's it.

[Not Alone]

I mean I could list up all the things that I've been doing lately. Exhibition, moving, the emotional stuff with my ex, the worry, Lady T leaving, Covid-19.. And it should be enough, more than enough. It just.. I'm not sure that's it.

Before I got to this last paragraph I was thinking about all the huge changes and issues you have dealt with lately. Just one of those is a lot. . . all of those things. . . . You didn't even add the therapy/trauma that you are dealing with. Maybe there is something else going on, but don't minimize the impact of what you named.

[Sceal]

You might be right, and I'm not discounting it for my burnout/depression. But why the panic attacks now, now that some of it is soon coming to an end?