Hi

[violaishealing]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and thought I'd introduce myself. My inner teenager is called Viola. I divorced my ExH about five years ago because he was a bully. Since then, I've been trying to co-parent with him, but he continues to bully me through our children, so we are in and out of court, and CPS is involved and the children were acting out and aggressive. I don't have much of a circle of friends and live in a foreign country, so I've been pretty isolated. And, my isolation became worse with all the lock downs and quarantines over the past couple of years. Therapy wasn't helping and I just became more and more depressed. I was anxious and starting to have panic attacks. And, I couldn't understand how I had gotten into such an awful marriage to a bully and felt like a victim even though I couldn't explain why. After all, no one can see the emotional wounds.

Trigger warning

Well, about a year and a half ago, I started with a new T, who helped me see the dysfunctional patterns from my childhood. I had thought my childhood had been alright and had forgotten how miserable I was growing up. I see now that my dad was alcoholic with lots of other additions like gambling and sex. He was also violent, although I can't remember him being violent towards me or my brother or mother (although she still defends him even though he's been dead for 20+ years). He was always fighting some guy or another and carried illegal and loaded guns that were always within reach of him, as well as within reach of me and my brother as kids. I think he might have sexually abused me when I was little, and possibly also a couple of steps sisters and daughters of his various girlfriends. My memories are hard to come by, but I can't say that he didn't. My mom was present physically when I was growing up, but not emotionally. Feelings and emotions were non existent to her. She denies most of the dysfunction - especially her role in it. And, my step dad was passive aggressive. Quite a triad!

Anyway, I started processing this stuff about a year and a half ago. Started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, started meditating, started journaling and running. Went to a retreat for CSA and started attending meetings of adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. And, now I've joined this board. :-) I'm very determined to be on my healing journey. I get sidelined a lot because of my ExH's BS and my fear of the courts, but I'm doing a lot better at handling that. I'm trying to find the strength and the courage to process and heal from my own childhood baggage. I'm also trying hard to help my children. Sadly, my T moved away and cut back his hours, so now I recently started with a new one. He says I have CPTSD. I'm scared that my troubles are more than that and I'm actually a pwBPD.   

I think what I'm hoping for on this board is understanding and perspective from people - even anonymous peeps - who "get it".

Thank you for listening/reading.

[Papa Coco]

HI Violashealing

Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum. I'm sorry to hear that your therapist moved away and that you have to start a new relationship with another one.

I remember reading about pwBPD a few years back, and believing maybe I had it too. But by reading about it, I didn't understand what it was. I was reading the bullet list of their symptoms, but I was grossly misinterpreting them. My therapist quickly stopped me from following that route. BPD is not the type of condition that seeks help. He compared me to my older sister, who truly is BPD. She is cruel, and mean, and dangerous to anyone that gets near her. She has NO conscience, no remorse, no connection to the truth. She is grandiose, believing she's the greatest person on earth, even though she's a miserable loner who has a long history of dating only married men so she could contact their wives and rub it in their faces. She's in her 70s now and has lived a life of shoplifting, thievery, and has been fired from every job she's ever had because she was such an office-B***h. She lashes out, blames everyone for her sins and has absolutely no ability to love anyone at all. So that's what pwBPD actually look like. What I am is a Victim OF a nasty narcissistic person who really does have Borderline Personality Disorder.

For me, having been gaslighted my entire life by a family who was cold and who allowed the BPD person to continually drive lies and rumors and gossip and lies and lies and lies for decades, had me thinking that I was the enemy. But that's what Gaslighting, narcissistic, BPD bullies do to their victims. They make us feel like WE are the bad people and they are the victims.

It sends shivers down my spine now that I realize how my bullies twisted my brain the way they did.

I hope you find some comfort here on the forum, and find some good books to help. Pete Walker's book; Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, is a great book to start with. It seems like most people on this forum have found it to be one of the most helpful starting points as we work through our understanding of how CPTSD has molded us into the beautiful, but challenged souls we are.

I've learned to view us, the C-PTSD survivors of abusive narcissism, as the victims of narcisists, BPDs, sociopaths and toxic bullies. I see us now as those who've internalized our pain and who took ownership of it as if their bad behavior was our fault. We did that because we're good, kind souls who just want everyone to get along.

Welcome to the forum. There's a lot of empathy and kindness here. It's been a godsend for me.

[Armee]

Welcome to the forum, Viola.

I agree with Papa Coco that often when someone reads a description of the cluster B personality disorders (narcissim, Borderline, etc) and thinks "oh my God! Is that me???" it almost always is not you.

There can be overlap between CPTSD symptoms and BPD. Some people have both. Some practitioners think they are synonymous. Having grown up with a mom who was unambiguously afflicted with Borderline PD...I think I can say they are not the same. And if you are thinking you have Borderline PD, you likely don't.

But if you DO have Borderline PD...then you are one of the self aware people seeking help and that is the difference between people with BPD who heal and repair damage and people with BPD who inflict massive damage on the people around them their entire lives.

I think I would trust the therapist who is saying you have cPTSD and work on healing, because that will likely help with any Borderline issues too. You can revisit BPD in a year or two as needed. If you have trauma and it sounds like you do, you deserve to heal. Part of healing is learning to love and accept yourself as difficult as that is. I don't know if you can heal if you are trying to label yourself.

I am truly sorry for all you are going through with your ex and your kidd and CPS and your therapist moving. That's a lot. Hang on.

[Kizzie]

Papa wrote

BPD is not the type of condition that seeks help.

Like Armee I agree with Papa, you would not be here if you had BDP, at least your post would not look the same. There is some overlap but there are also big differences.  For example those with BPD tend to have a long series of chaotic relationships whereas those with CPTSD tend to shy away from relationships.  There are a few threads/posts about the differences, I'll see if I can find them and give you the links.

In the meantime, a warm welcome to OOTS 

[Kizzie]

Here's the link about the difference between CPTSD and BPD Viola  - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=3725.0

[violaishealing]

Thanks for your messages Papa Coco, Armee and Lizzie. And for your reassurances, the book recommendation, and the link. I will read the link and talk to my T about the differences. My former T didn't give diagnoses because we worked only online. He did tell me he didn't think I have a PD, but I do show some BPD tendencies. At the time, I was so overwhelmed by my ExH and his bullying and the courts and CPS and such that I was near collapse and an emotional basket case. I'm doing a lot better now at dealing with all that. My past is checkered with lots of short-term, unstable relationships - both friends and romantically. I thought I had found stability with my ExH when we first met. It was only after we'd been married for a few years and had children that I began to realise how controlling and passive aggressive and increasingly angry he was.

When I look forward, I get overwhelmed at how much more healing I want and need to do. When I look backward (recent past), I see how far I've come. I still go around in circles telling myself things weren't that bad, or trying to believe that they were and believe myself about stuff that happened.

I'm glad to know that others understand. It's not schadenfreude, but more of a feeling that I'm not alone. I wouldn't wish this emotional turmoil on my worst enemy. And, I want more than anything to become whole again myself so that I give my children a warm, loving and hopefully healthy childhood. 

[Kizzie]

I wouldn't wish this emotional turmoil on my worst enemy.

Amen sister, amen.

[Kizzie]

I just received an abstract from a research site I subscribe to and the data confirm the distinction between BPD and CPTSD once again:

Whether complex posttraumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) diagnoses differ substantially enough to warrant separate diagnostic classifications has been a subject of controversy for years. To contribute to the nomological network of cumulative evidence, the main goal of the present study was to explore, using network analysis, how the symptoms of ICD-11 PTSD and disturbances in self-organization (DSO) are interconnected with BPD in a clinical sample of polytraumatized individuals (N = 330). Participants completed measures of life events, CPTSD, and BPD. Overall, our study suggests that BPD and CPTSD are largely separated. The bridges between BPD and CPTSD symptom clusters were scarce, with "Affective Dysregulation" items being the only items related to BPD. The present study contributes to the growing literature on discriminant validity of CPTSD and supports its distinctiveness from BPD. Implications for treatment are discussed.

[Hope67]

Welcome Violashealing. 
Hope 

[violaishealing]

I just received an abstract from a research site I subscribe to and the data confirm the distinction between BPD and CPTSD once again:

THanks Kizzie. This looks interesting.

[violaishealing]

Welcome Violashealing. 
Hope 

Hi Hope

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome, Violaishealing. 

[violaishealing]

Hi Not Alone