Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy.  Sometimes, if all we can do if be kind to ourself, that has to be enough.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you checking in.  I also appreciate the image of you nodding along as you read - I often feel that way when reading others' journals and always want to have the "right" thing to say. 
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CF, I appreciate this reminder.   
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Sundays feel so heavy to me.

I can't exactly predict the emotional and mental toll the week will take so my body starts shutting down a bit while mind starts worrying.

In terms of work, I plan to keep letting go of doing things that aren't necessary.  Without those things I do feel as though I am left with not understanding my purpose at all.

I have been feeling very unsettled in my family relationships.  I don't speak to my FOO much.  I carry guilt with that lack of speaking.  I carry the responsibility - it feels like it is my fault.  And yet, they all have my contact information.

That back and forth in relationships is something I struggle with in general.  I feel like I put myself out there a lot...and also try to own the actions of others.  I don't have many mutual relationships and the ones I do sometimes find seem fleeting.

This time of year is so difficult for me as the holidays and long days of darkness begin.  I think I am in some ways grieving that I know will give up the work I am doing now as some point.  I want to work but I need something that doesn't feel so personal. 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. I find with contacting others, I have the guilt too if it's been a while. But exactly as you said, they have my number too. We can't control their actions, so they need to keep up as well.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - specific to my family, I have a lot of confusion as I've tried different ways of communicating over the years and nothing has worked.  I am tired of trying.
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Last night I realized that some of my stress on Sundays is knowing that my work environment is not at all supportive or responsive to me. 

I also struggle to clearly articulate what would support me.  I don't feel heard or believed.  So I tend to stay silent except for with a trusted few.

Today was exhausting.  I also cut my finger with a knife while preparing dinner.  While it hurts, I'm grateful it wasn't the kind of cut that would have required an emergency department visit.

I do need something different.  I can't keep doing what I am doing.  Today I realized it may be hard to explain my reality to others because I am not even really clear on it.  I think I need some internal reflection time. 

[rainydiary]

Something I had meant to mention yesterday in my post but forgot is a meeting I had yesterday after all of my training.

The meeting is one we hold for students to discuss their plan of support at school.  I have a really hard time with these meetings.  They are stressful.  The dynamics with parents can be tough.  The dynamics with teachers can be tough.

The one yesterday was mostly ok.  The teacher did make some comments that really got under my skin and they were the first thing that came to my mind this morning. 

Her comments were that this student doesn't have a way to communicate (which she gave lots of examples contradicting that - people have a very narrow definition of what communication is).  She also made a comment just to me about how passionate the last person in my job was about making sure kids had access to assistive technology devices. 

*sigh* Those comments did hurt me.  I am not any less passionate just handle the situation differently AND I am still relatively new to understanding the way this district handles these situations.  My experience also is that I will do all this work and she won't help implement the system in a way that is meaningful.  The goal isn't a specific object but rather that the student has meaningful interactions. 

I will do my best today but sheesh.  I am so tired of other people.

[rainydiary]

As I was driving to work, I was bothered by a question I had asked myself yesterday- "Why am I able to build relationships with students but struggle with building relationships with other adults?"

This morning I was looking through a file and saw a reminder about my role not being to "fix students".  And it became clear - I enter into interactions with other adults and when they say/do something that I find hurtful, my instinct is to "correct" and "fix it."  I may be coming from a place of wanting them to be better informed, but my intention is to "fix."  All this is to say I think I can approach my work with others adults differently.

Today a student told me he hates school.  I asked him why and he said it is because of his teacher.  I know that she doesn't want him in her class and she makes his life difficult.  I felt grateful he said that, but also really sad for him.  I can tell other people but I don't know that anything will be done.

Today I also had a parent meeting that a previous version of myself would have been so triggered by.  The parent was understandably upset because her child is being bullied at school.  Her body language and words were stressing my brain out - even though she wasn't mad at me, my old self would have assumed she was. 

But I didn't (as far as I know) get too activated by her.  I was able to stay present and hear what she was saying and separate myself.  It made me sad to know that this student I love is being hurt by others. 

This meeting also was the first one like this where I felt respected as a professional by my colleagues and by the parent.  Unlike the meeting yesterday where my colleague was essentially calling me out in front of the family and questioning what I said and what I do.

[Armee]

That seems like a really potentially useful insight, Rainy, that perhaps will help make work a little less mentally draining. I hope it at least helps a bit. Aw those poor kids. Your job can be heartbreaking. It's so important but has to be really draining and sad too.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support Armee. 
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I am exhausted today.

Too many off routine things this week.  Too many new places.  Too many people.  Too much.

I am feeling so low about myself today. 

[sanmagic7]

well, i say pooh! to that teacher!  so narrow-minded and short-sighted!  ooooh,    rainy, i can feel the passion for your kids.  it's there, it's solid, and most importantly of all those students know it, know they can rely on you.  why else would any of them feel safe enough to come to you with such a heartbreaking statement about not liking school cuz of the teacher!

i went thru something similar (so so you know you're not alone in battling the 'traditional way' to deal w/ kids.  my therapeutic skills were out of the norm, yet w/in a year i had kids lined up at my doorway every morning in order to dump any crapola that happened to them the night before in order to have a good school day.  still, my therapy supervisor introduced me to another therapist there as 'this is San, our flaky therapist'. 

did it hurt?  you betcha.  i carried it around w/ me for years.  please, don't lose hope in what you do or how you do it.  your approach is so kind, gentle, and humane - it's no wonder those children respond to you in a special, feeling safe kind of way.

i get it's not easy when people you work w/ aren't supportive.  hang onto you and know you are right.  the rest of them can go jump in a closet, have a time out till they're ready to play nice.  love and hugs, rainy.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I struggle with myself - I know I don't approach things like others di and I berate myself for it.  But if I remember that I am autistic/neurodivergent, it makes sense I would approach differently and connect especially with those students when I do things affirming to them. Every day I have an interaction with a student that I know means a lot.  I continue to feel so lousy in my interactions with other adults though.
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I had a day where several students wanted to express themselves through drawing and I let them.  It helped them express difficult experiences.

I continue to have fundamental differences with the colleague I share caseload with at one of my schools.  I feel so lame in comparison to her.  I don't feel like I do my job "right" compared to her.  And yet in my heart I do what seems right to me.

This week has been exhausting.

[rainydiary]

I am still tired.

Burnout maybe.  Hormones too.  Just tired.

I will be evaluated by my boss soon.  I try to say things she wants to hear.  I know I don't do my job the way others do.  I feel like I shouldn't do this job anymore.

On a bright note there is this young student in a supported classroom that has become very attached to me.  He looks for me everyday and sat by me for a long time while I was in his class.  It is so sweet - we just click.

And yet that doesn't matter to anyone but me.  It also isn't enough to keep me feeling well and safe in my work. 

Tomorrow I am running a 15K event.  I hope to finish and have a nice time.

[Not Alone]

please, don't lose hope in what you do or how you do it.  your approach is so kind, gentle, and humane - it's no wonder those children respond to you in a special, feeling safe kind of way

  Who you are and they way you do your job is very significant in the lives of some of your students. You may be their one light in their days. I'm sorry that work is so hard and stressful and that you are not supported.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone.  I am very conflicted about work and I appreciate your support.
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I finished my run today - it ended up being longer than 15K which annoyed me a bit.  I had misunderstood the availability of snacks and water along the trail and given that it was a longer run than expected, I ran out of food and water.  I was ok, but it felt a bit triggering to be unprepared.

I also ended up with a running buddy.  I noticed a person in front of me that had an orthopedic disability and she seemed unsteady on the hills we were on.  She was also from out of town and felt unsafe on the trails.  I know it isn't my responsibility to take care of another person, but I wasn't going much faster than her generally.  Her daughter ended up finding her for the last part which I am so curious to know how she managed as it scared the heck out of me.  This interaction has left me feeling weird and I wish I had just gone around when she offered.

While running, I began to have memories of all the sports my family forced me into.  I hated it.  I hated every minute of it.  I always felt out of place and it was just another area where my parents' abuse played out.  For me and my siblings.  My parents also always made it seem like it was such an inconvenience to them to show up to my events (of things they insisted I do).  And as I got older, they stopped showing up.  I realized my husband going with me today was triggering that feeling - he went to support me but all I could feel was my parents' disgust with me. 

I enjoy challenging myself for these runs.  The competition aspect of it is difficult for me as I am by no means actually a contender to win.  I do it to have something to work towards, to get myself outside, and to stay active.  My default state is to stay on my couch and live in my head.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do judge myself.

I'm not sure what all of this means.  I am feeling more disconnected from myself than I have for a while.  Which makes me sad and feel like I am slipping back into unhelpful ways of being. 

[sanmagic7]

my dear rainy, hearing about that paradox around sports - your parents insisted, then showed little support (even if they did show up on the benches) was heartbreaking.  those kinds of thing can make us so confused and give us a misshapen sense of our selves.  i know that experience, and i'm very sorry you've had to go thru it.  it makes sense that you feel the way you do simply because your approach is different. 

look to the results, ok?  they tell you that what you're doing, the way you're doing it is just right for the kids.  and it makes sense to me that your perspective on all this is different because of the way your brain is wired (similar here).  however, these work environments, interactions w/ the adults, seem to be taking a great toll on you.  maybe you've got some deeper thinking about it ahead.

congrats on finishing your run.  i'm glad it's something you find helpful for yourself.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

You say that you are feeling disconnected from yourself. It sounds like you had a lot of feelings, memories and insights on you run. Maybe your brain/body needs a little break from all that and is dissociating a bit. Be kind to yourself.