Not sure how to proceed

[Charlotte]

I'm feeling really scared.  (honestly, since I found this support site, I have been feeling both super scared and super relieved too.)

This is hard to say but I feel like my life has been one big flashback.  I have a combo life-threatening physical PTSD and years of emotional abandonment that I've made worse over time too.  I've come a long way and am surprised that I am not on the streets.  Anyway, I'm having a hard time seeing just how my 10 year old will ever have a chance to not be traumatized by me, and then I just start the cycle again. 

I've learned some strategies for raising him (from Peter Levine and others) but I can't tell if anything is helping.  I see him doing things I did as a child and I draw all kinds of horrible conclusions.  The most helpful thing is when I can reinterpret the strategies I developed as a child as strengths, and of course they are.  What signs can I look for that I am not teaching him how to ignore his WIC?

I would love some of your thoughts.  This is a goldmine of genuine, amazing, gracious and loveable people. 

[voicelessagony2]

Charlotte, I wish I could help. I never had kids, and I don't regret it because I'm certain I would have messed them up. The fact that you are aware, and taking it seriously, is a really good sign that you will do a much better job than someone like me who was completely unaware.

Are you both in therapy? CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) is a really good tool for both of you to learn how to deal with feelings.

The best book I would recommend, is CPTSD by Pete Walker. That was the one book that changed everything for me, and got me going in the right direction.

Welcome to OOTS!

[Anamiame]

Hi Charlotte: 

I'm relatively new here as well.  You will find a plethora of loving support while you are going through this journey.  Although I've known of my CPTSD for decades, I am just now realizing how severe it is and beginning to walk this journey. 

I have four children and have been in the profession for 30 years.  Every parent and every child are different.  What worked for one of my kids did not work for another.  So please...take this all into context of both you and your son. 

I chose early on to be honest with my kids about my abusive past.  I would answer their questions age appropriately.  When they were super little, I did a play off of Sesame street and on bad days, I would tell the kids that I was 'Grouch Mommy.'  That always meant their favorite video and popcorn so they were happy. 

At 8 I started talking to them about sex and drugs.  I would take them individually to the store and start the convo in the car where they couldn't get distracted and they would soon engage in the conversation.  This was also a good time for them to talk to me about whatever they wanted.  This usually involved some 'kid' at school and more times than not, it was most likely that such kid had something emotional going on in his/her life.  Being a social worker during this time, my kids were well aware of child abuse.  In addition, when my eldest was 12 and my youngest 7, my estranged spouse physically abused those two kids, with the middle two watching.  (they ended with a case and spouse got help, which was relationally changing for the eldest and him and they are very close today). 

By this time, I would have mentioned something about Grandma being an alcoholic and not a good mommy.  It was here that I had my opening to tell the kids the following:  I want to be the best Mom possible to you--but I cannot give you something I do not possess.  I don't know what it is like to have a good Mom.  This will leave 'gaps' in my parenting of you.  However, I have changed the negatives that damaged me, to positives for the four of you.  As a result, it's a positive spiral upward.  You won't be able to give to your kids, something I lacked; but you WILL be able to give them even more than I gave you and it will grow from there. 

My children are grown now.  The eldest is 23 and married, receiving his masters in Physics tomorrow and continues towards his PhD.  The Youngest in a freshman in pre=med at a top national university, however, she is Junior/second semester in credit standing (having completed all her GE's prior to HS graduation).  She continues to have some issues with her Dad, but is working through them on her own while away from home. 

During the years, I relied heavily on my education in Marriage, Family therapy, to determine what would be the best course of action for each child.  And, I relied on my past as well. 

One thing that stuck out to me from my childhood was a sense of 'injustice.'  I wanted my kids to know I am HUMAN first, and a Parent second.  So this not only meant being transparent with them, but also admitting when I was wrong AND...AND asking for their forgiveness when I did something wrong. 

These two things helped all of us navigate through the life of living with trauma, next generation (and first generation).

A couple other platitudes that became the foundation of our family:
1.  Learn each other's love languages. 
2.  ALWAYS preserve the dignity of the child (don't humiliate them in front of others; give them space after chastising them, so that they can regroup and get their attitude back on track)
3.  The answer is always YES ... UNLESS...UNLESS there is a reason for no.  This was crucial in Teen years as it stopped ALOT of fighting as the kids knew not to ask if there was a reason for no.  I also didn't have to stress if they wanted to have someone over and the house was a mess.  If they wanted to entertain, they wanted to clean first.  LOL  It worked.  Alot. 
4.  Family Team Decision Making Meetings.  I got this from work.  When we had a concern about a family, we would have a meeting with them as they are the experts on THEIR family.  There were rules like every gets to talk, no interrupting, etc.  The meeting always started with what is RIGHT with the family and members love to be praised.  Then would come the concerns and then solutions.  This was a time where my kids could safely confront me or someone else in an appropriate manner.  As teens, they really liked the meetings and called them on their own. 
5.  The pillars of our family are Character; Integrity, Honesty, Respect, and Responsibility.  Infractions on such were considered serious. 
6.  Put a list of disciplines for various crimes inside a pantry door.  This way, the kids know ahead of time what the consequence is and there is no arguing about it.  Put it on the INSIDE so as to preserve the dignity of the child.  Also, come up with these in a team meeting to that the kids have OWNERSHIP to the consequences.  It stops the "That's not fair Mom!" bit. 
7.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Choose with 'hill' you are going to 'die' on.  That means, if I was working on a child's attitude, but he leaves his underwear on the floor, don't worry about the underwear--the attitude is more important for now.  You will have time to deal with underwears later on. 
Overall, I've been blessed with four great kids.  That doesn't mean I don't have a 'problem' child.  I do.  Did.  People think that I am a very lenient parent.  Well...yeah...when you obey the rules and abide by the family pillars.  However, I've kicked an 18 year old out of my house.  Why?  finding weed paraphernalia in the kid's vehicle.  That child got it's act together in six months--2 jobs, A's in all  classes and went on to attend another Nationally top rated University and will graduate with two degrees this June. 

If you discipline harsh over petty stuff, they won't believe you when the big stuff comes along.  This way, when that child got kicked out, ALL of not only MY kids, but their friends as well, realized, DON'T MESS WITH MAMA!!! 

Anyway, I hope that helps.  Just because YOU have issues, doesn't mean you aren't a phenomenal parent...holes and all.  Promise. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Charlotte, I second what both Ana and VA have said.  Just being aware and willing to do what it takes to break the cycle is a huge step toward ensuring your son doesn't end up in the cycle.  If you are concerned, however, some time with a family or child therapist might be an idea as VA suggests.  They are aware of the developmental stages children go through and can likely help identify strategies for you (and him) to keep that natural process going. 

I have a 23 year old son and in spite of (or these days I'm thinking because of) my CPTSD, he is a wonderful, caring, confident young man who knows he is loved.  It wasn't magic - we just knew we loved him and wanted things to be different for him.  Basically my H and I just kept in mind what our parents did (or didn't do) and did the opposite. 

I can totally relate tothe feeling of being super scared and super relieved at the same time by the way 

[Anamiame]

You know, Kizzie, I was thinking that when I was writing my post: 

I *think* parents who were traumatized by THEIR parents are probably much more aware of what trauma does to a child and therefore are much more careful NOT to traumatize their children.  I mean, my mother was no role model at ALL, but she actually taught me what to do as a Mom and what NOT to do:  DO NOT DO ANYTHING SHE DID!!!!   

Okay, that's funny...but only because it's so true for most of us.