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One thing a therapist taught me I found helpful was focusing on the physical senses.

I had to name three things I could see, three things I could touch (and focus on the tactile experience, like soft, smooth, bumpy, rough whatever), three things I could hear, you could do this with smell and taste as well if your in a place where that works. But those three seem to be enough.

Also, focus on your body, like the feeling of your body against the surface supporting it, or feet on the ground, etc. A lot of times with trauma and dissociation parts of our body are numb so that was weird to figure out but interesting.

I also found yoga really helps me get in my body because they teach you to go inward and experience physical sensations. If a yoga movement class feels like too much there is this super neat thing called Yoga Nidra that is a body sensing practice where you are just focusing on different parts of your body and what they feel like. The "iRest program for PTSD" by Richard Miller really helped/helps me and you can download the practices and all you have to do is sit/lay there while he talks. It was made specifically for PTSD and has tons of research behind it too.

You could also look up meditations on youtube for "progressive muscle relaxation" which is similar and free!

Thanks for reminding me what I need to do myself, I was asking myself the same question earlier! (seriously)

So here I go again, the ups and downs of recovery can be exhausting. 2016 was a year full of them. I survived three more malignant narcissists and I'm finding myself triggered and depleted again and in need of some more recovery and understanding and connection. Luckily, it seems like although I get hopeless at times, I can see how each time around it gets a little bit easier to pick myself back up again and I spend a little or a lot less time entrenched in codependent relationships, in other words, I see the signs and escape a lot more quickly than before, even if it keeps happening. At this point, ten years into therapy of all kinds, I can say that my inner critic is much much smaller and has a lot less influence. Even when I regress it seems like it isn't as strong and it doesn't last as long. I'm also seeing the pattern of how I repeat the trauma. Not to blame myself for the abuse but there is a distinct pattern there. I also see how getting stuck as a 'freeze-fawn' hybrid subtype in these relationships I just fall right back into it and dissociate and go into care-taking overdrive like autopilot. And the substance abuse pattern holy-moly. I've pretty much been dating drug dealers to keep a constant supply to deal with the fallout of their abuse (my father, original abuser, was one). It's kind of astounding to see that the same thing, down to the oddest details keeps happening again, despite my ever growing sense of self and awareness.

My biggest concerns and goals right now are 1) how do I keep myself safe when I regress into 'freeze' mode and dissociation pretty much immediately 2) how do I STOP the codependency thing? I really can't handle it anymore and I have to end this cycle and 3) how do I overcome learned helplessness and be stable enough to support myself?

I'm almost 30 and it's hitting me that I'm still really not functioning well with the CPTSD regressions and outbreaks. And regardless of massive efforts towards awareness and education I seem to fall right into abusive and unbalanced relationships over and over again. The level of awareness I have about my trauma, how it affected me, and where I am at now is getting pretty realistic. I mean, I can finally see where I really am at, which isn't great or ideal at all, and tbh how * up I am. It's pretty hard to admit just how much of a poorly adjusted adult trauma has left me as but I guess the up-side is that I have to be able to see it to heal it.  Still sometimes I feel like: and sometimes I get so hopeless I downward spiral.

Right now I'm really realizing how I would rather die than ask for something I need. Right now, for example, I just need to ask my mom for money for gas, and most likely she will say yes, but I feel so much panic about it I just freeze instead and stay in my room. Or, alternately, just do the dishes and make everyone dinner and be perfect again until I'm exhausted, and hope she just offers me money for being a good child. I just want to be invisible, still!

Hey there,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I have been in a similar state and have also been through loads of therapy and had that hopelessness feeling about it all, still kind of do. But i think it's important to note that it's pretty darn hard to recover while still entrenched in an abusive relationship. So good for you at ending that, 11 years! And of course, like you said, it was pretty much constant. Give yourself a break you have been through * and back and despite how awful you feel you are still here, surviving, and reaching out for help. Bravo! And people here care and understand like few people you will ever meet. You're not alone. I also can particularly relate to panic attacks from new age stuff, I find it can be really victim shaming and not super helpful and I am super into metaphysical stuff and very intuitive and sensitive and whatnot. New agers tend to invalidate negative feelings and that is so beyond unhelpful for trauma survivors and really, anyone! I think it can also influence the no medication stance. I go back and forth on that one myself, and I think sometimes I'm just denying my needs and being driven by an all to justifiable fear if the pharmaceutical industry. But I also found I could compromise and go for say an 'as needed' med for anxiety when none of my new age practices were really helpful or accessible any more without feeling like a total failure. Dunno if you can relate to any of that? It sounds like you are in a crisis. Have you felt like this before? What has helped in the past?

Thanks three roses. I'm re-reading Pete Walker's book right now, especially the four F's and codependency. I am so sick of being codependent. I would say I am Flight-Freeze-Fawn. Maybe more like flight dominant with a freeze or fawn subtype, freeze in response to re traumatizing abuse situations like above. I just want it to stop. Today I'm realizing I go into complete emotional flashbacks just having to ask to have a need met, from anyone. It doesn't help I am dependent on my mother who means well at this point and maintains she didn't know I was being abused but never quite met my needs as a child and so my abusive father would come in and 'rescue' me, making me trust her even less. Anyways, just asking for money for gas right now, I feel like the thought of it sends me into panic mode. And if she rejects my needs I totally lose it. I would rather hide, starve, or go without what I need than ask anyone. It's awful!

Trigger warning: sexual/emotional abuse

I've recently extricated myself from another abusive relationship. I was sexually abused as a child by my bio father (not to mention the emotional and psychological aspects...and that he is probably truly BPD, no contact for about six years though he 'found' me last year and I just throw away things he sends). This abuse trauma has been repeated in adolescence quite a few times and adulthood over and over again. I have never had a safe or remotely healthy relationship. Despite lots of therapy (inpatient, outpatient, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc) for the past ten years and now extensive knowledge of these types of narcissists, it happened again. I'm pretty sure I just dissociated most of the time because I finally was able to leave him (hopefully for good this time) a couple of weeks ago and have had little to no contact since (just to get my things back). I currently don't have a therapist and am looking for one in a rural area where possibly none are competent in complex trauma. 

I just feel a need to get some of it out, I don't feel like I can't say it out loud, it's just easier to write it. For the past four months or so I've been living at his place in terrible conditions. He's a drug dealer and had been pressuring me to do cocaine and smoke pot and drink with him. Lots of unsafe characters came through and were inappropriate towards me and when telling him how unsafe I felt he would just turn that around and use it to shame me that I might cheat on him. It was a complete psychic hijacking. He got me to trust him early and tell him about trauma and once he had me trapped he used it all as weapons to demoralize me and keep me under control. If I brought up issues with his behavior, he would tell me I was crazy and gaslight me or tell me it never happened. (Trigger warning) These behaviors included grabbing my private parts in public and laughing, withholding affection then forcing himself sexually and ejaculating in me without my approval (rape) and making me take hormone pills that I have bad reactions to for fear of pregnancy, telling me he was doing it for me, telling me I was a complete nightmare and no one could want me, convincing me I was a narcissist, not letting me sleep/disturbing sleep patterns, controlling food intake/starving me, threatening violence, constant little and big put downs and verbal humiliations, using 'I love you' to get away with bad behavior, to eventually the other night when he was holding me down and kissing me and choking me and not stopping when I told him to, then telling me the next day I made it all up and am insane.

I feel like I just dreamed it all. Like I wasn't really there, so I know I was dissociating. I feel al lot better since getting away from him and not being fed substances all the time or told I'm nuts. But I'm also super triggered at realizing all of the above mentioned things happened because I just pushed them out and went somewhere else, or went into denial. I'm scared to leave the house really. I think every truck I hear on the street is him. I've been either numb, very emotional, or hopeless. Something in me is still fighting but I'm so frightened at how easily this happened to me again. I feel like it's my fault, like I should know better after all of the therapy and research and practice and self love. I feel like I will never be able to have a healthy relationship or intimacy and I can't trust my own judgement cause I am attracted to these psychos. Because part of me knew what he was and just went along with it like, "F-it" mentality, I'm so lonely and starved for love and affection. I feel like I'm addicted to abuse. I don't know what to do anymore. Any support or advice that comes to mind is greatly appreciated. I feel like I could write a book about abuse trauma I know so much at this point, but I'm still not safe...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can definitely relate. In my situation, I feel that my mother abandoned me with my father when they got divorced when I was 9. She got to escape and have a normal life and I was left for him to continue to abuse, which escalated in her absence. She pretends like she had no idea but I was a very depressed kid and even photos of me from that time on make this obvious. So I will probably always feel like she abandoned me, no matter how much work we have done to heal our relationship, which has been years of therapy. She has never really admitted to this and I get super triggered by her still because I am disabled by CPTSD again and dependent on her once more. She like to make it out like she's enabling me by caring for me when I'm disabled, but I truly have nowhere else to go. It took me a long time to realize I was angry with her. If she admitted her part in the neglect and abuse she would have to admit that she failed as a parent, and stop shifting the blame for my mental health issues back to me. I think it's a pretty tough one to heal. I know she really cares about me but I don't feel like I can ever really trust her and I think that's a good thing. She was unable or unwilling both in and out of her relationship with my father to protect me and it really hurts still. Over time, our relationship has improved but I will never feel safe with her. I know she has her own trauma from my father and her own childhood that is totally unresolved and prevents her from really dealing with what happened to me. I feel a lot of resentment towards her but I don't feel that guilty about it anymore. Because I know that if I had children, even though I am bad at protecting myself from narcissists, I would run away to the ends of the earth to protect them. No. Matter. What.

Sorry for the long winded explanation but maybe you can relate to some of this. I just want to say your feelings are so valid and good job at protecting yourself. If we keep sacrificing our own mental health as the family scapegoat to maintain close relationships with those who abandoned and neglected us, I don't really think we can heal those wounds. That's my experience anyways. I mean we have to deal with those triggers eventually I suppose but it's hard to work on the PTSD when you don't feel safe with the people in your life. I can totally relate to feeling guilty for having boundaries with her and asserting your needs. I'm so sorry this is triggering and painful for you.

Thanks everyone for your support and kindness. I really appreciate it. In my life I'm getting people telling me I'm selfish or lazy or childish and that hurts and leads me to further isolation. People are so ignorant, it's exhausting. I at least fed myself tonight.

Hi Lizzie,

Thanks, yes I was in treatment multiple times for complex PTSD in specific trauma based programs. I no longer have he resources for any more of that. I was seeing an emdr therapist who is competent but I feel like she gave up on me as soon as I was a little better just telling me I was 'healed'. Which seems odd. I can of have the sense maybe my case is too much for her and I live in a rural area now where there are no others competent in complex PTSD, I've already done he research. Thanks for the support.

*Triggers*

So, I recently have been badly taken advantage of by two different narcs. One I thought was my friend and the other a sexual partner who is totally malignant. I could go into the details but the first one used me and owes me a bunch of money she will never pay back now that I have cut her off. The second is a scary abuse situation with probably the worst narc I've seen since my father (original trauma). Someone recently brought it to my attention that I need to figure out how to stop giving myself away to these people. That I need to recognize why I do, which is obvious, I was trained to by my father, and if I didn't submit to his abuse the threat was more abuse and/or death, and/or he was going to kill my mother or sister, on and on. Total nightmare. I thought I was at the point where this didn't happen anymore, but I walked right into it all over again and repeated the trauma. I'm super against victim blaming but I feel like at some point I have to figure out what it is I am doing wrong, or what I can do to stop this from happening again. When I realized what was happening I ended contact with these people, but it's too late, my whole life is upside down again.

I feel like in these situations, once I get triggered, I dissociate and just fall back into my old role of give myself away to survive. I'm just so tired of this, and drained, and depleted of resources and even the will to live. I just want it to stop. Does anyone have any advice? I thought I had learned to love and value myself but this suggests otherwise to me. All I can come up with is isolate myself and trust no one...which seems like an awful world to live in. I'm so ashamed this happened again. I'm really down on myself but I don't know what else will motivate me to take my life back.

Thanks for the support, that's a great analogy.

Hi,

***Possible triggers...not graphic

I've been diagnosed complex PTSD for several years after many misdiagnoses. I'm not currently in treatment and suffice it to say I've had nearly every treatment available and spent the past decade in and out of therapy, residential, and inpatient/outpatient trauma programs and doing loads of research to try and survive this. I was actually told after an EMDR session maybe six months ago that I was cured, but here I am again.

I survived a lifetime of sexual abuse trauma and just general abuse trauma as well, repeating the pattern over and over again. I thought I was done repeating it, but apparently I'm just as naive about people and prone to a freeze response as ever cause it just happened again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I lost my job, again. I've isolated myself and its physically painful to leave the house. I can hardly eat or sleep and I'm extremely depressed and feeling like giving up and am using drugs or alcohol to numb myself. But I remembered this place. Most of me feels like giving up.