Tips on how to deal?

[Blackbird]

Hello all, I'm fairly new, hoping to meet more people here.

So, I'm 30 and living with my mother. I had a psychotic break due to mania from my Bipolar Disorder that is now under control. I lost job, friends, my independence. I'm still recovering, and the devastating wreck my past has been still gives me nightmares to the point where I can't function during the day. I'm currently living and working for my mother, in exchange for meds and therapy and doctors and some pocket money. She emotionally and sometimes physically abused me when I was a child. My father too, but more neglect and overall putting me in distressing situations. He had Bipolar too, but was unmedicated and was an alcoholic.

She has done therapy and is also doing it currently, and has admited her abuses although in her own way, making excuses for it, which never really rang as a truthful apology to me, but it's what I've got. She's better now, although she's still very manipulative and plays the victim card, making me feel guilty for not being more supportive. She has diagnosed depression and I helped her get help, a therapist and a psychiatrist and she's been doing better, more open, sometimes wants to give me a hug, which I find very distressing.

There's a lot to say here, but I'll try to go to the point.

I was just recently, a few days ago, diagnosed with cPTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD before, for abusive relationships and sexual abuse in those relationships. Well, one can say I never really learned how to love and be in a healthy relationship. Never had one, even my friendships are weird, and I'm now disengaging from them until I can meet people who are more down to earth and can have empathy at least.

So, since the rediagnosis that my mind is in turmoil, I've been remembering a lot of stuff that was buried, such as words and small actions of neglect and abuse here and there when I was very little. My teenage years are easier to remember, but I still have gaps of memory from when I was 11 to 15, I can't pinpoint a lot of stuff there.

Sorry for the rambling. I need to find ways to cope and feel the pain, living with her and with her around. I noticed I've barely opened my bedroom curtains or leave my bedroom since monday. I only appear for meals and she's noticing and poking around.

Yesterday I was feeling strong and told her I'm dealing with my childhood in therapy and that my current diagnosis are Bipolar Disorder and cPTSD. She said she figured it would be like that and turned to her computer again.

I'm desperate to feel something more than trying to justify her behavior as a reaction to her past abusive childhood, or the need to get out of here and live on my own again, which is not happening any time soon. I'm in deep debt because of my manic spendings and irresponsibility, and I'm not in a mental place to begin working again. I dissociate a lot and stress can trigger another episode and I would like to avoid that.

Sorry for the long post. If you have any tips on how to handle this, a book to read, anything, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Three Roses]

Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" is an excellent resource and frequently mentioned here. He also has a website, http://pete-walker.com, which has a lot of great info. 

[Blackbird]

Thank you, Three Roses. I will look for it.