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Hi, I managed to get a part time regular job in January, I look after the finances in a small company, the owner has several businesses, he is rarely there. The manager is always there, in the same office, has been there when the previous owners owned it, he has been there for decades, and is a couple of years younger than me. He is a 🍆 .

Yesterday, for some unknown reason (I was focussing on my job so I do not know why he said it) but he said 'I will pay for some kick-boxing classes for Gromit, because she is soft as 💩' I believe it was supposed to be a joke. Maybe a reflection on my approach to getting money out of customers who take a long time to pay.

When I was a kid (about age 9) almost the whole of my class at school started calling me 'Walter the Softy' a character from the Beano (comic). That was the first major bullying, there had been various other bullying before, but not by so many people at once, and it had a major effect on me.

So, I think the comment triggered the stuff from childhood, I had heartburn on and off for the rest of the day.

For context, the manager makes comments about a member of staff who has counselling in works time, and is on pills. Like that is anybody's business at work? He should not be telling everyone. It does not affect the man's work, or how he is with everyone.

I guess I wonder what to do, how to handle it? So far, my default is to freeze and keep quiet, but I have told my family, which is progress. Now I have some up to date work experience I could look for another job but there are bullies everywhere and I like the hours and the flexibility as I have my own business teaching classes.

G

That worked 

Hi, I have not been here for a while, and I found I could not log in on a tablet.I can log in on a PC so I still exist and my password is correct.  is there a known issue or is it me and my device? I tried emailing Kizzie and telling it I forgot mypassword but I do not know if those things worked.

G

I think that is the phrase, probably from a 12th Step group.

Out of the blue my uncle called me, for news of my mother as he could not reach my sister.  It was actually nice talking to him, he sounded lonely.  He is 90, his wife in a home (dementia), and I am one of the few people who actually live in teh area still, aside from one of his daughters.  I thought about calling o him (must have been a crazy brave idea for me) and called his son, the only contact number I have as he is the last cousin I saw, and teat was 20 years ago. His sone responded to my text, saying he would call me the next day. 

This is where the stinking thinking comes into play.  I automatically assumed I would be told not to visit his father, that my mother would have told some lies about me. When he did call he was lovely, advsed me to call first, that uncle is not quick on his feet, often falls asleep and is deaf as a post, refusing to use any aids.

I am not sure whether it is my upbringing, CPTSD, or just my personality that makes me assume the worst.  Yes, I have seen my mother tell lies about me, whilst I was in the room, I know she has told lies to others, my sister, father, but, perhaps her older brother, who she always tried to scare me about is actually ok. Scare me in terms or his work shop, he turns wood, possibly a danegerous place for a child, his wife, forcing her children to eat the food they left the day before.  No idea if any of this stuff is actually true.  I think my mother was jealous of her older brother, who had different treatment from her.

My uncle has apparently tried to convince mymother to do something about our estrangement.  luckily, she has taken no notice.  I think we are both much happier not having anything to do with each other.

I guess I need to use CBT skills on my thinking. Why do I assume the worst?  what proof do I have to back up my thinking?

G

I meant to reply before Blueberry, I understand about the savasana bringing things up, maybe seated is better? Does moving that upper area of the body help?
G

Thanks for bringing this post up Blueberry.

My spouse considers me to be a hoarder, and it is mainly from sentiment, or the, 'this might be useful' idea. Yesterday, he spilt water when watering the plant on my chest, then remarked about the amount of stuff on my chest, as if that was the cause, although it merely annoyed him having to move it to dry up. Later he was sorting through the scrap paper in the kitchen, which I keep for shopping lists. And he discarded all of it.

Interestingly, I recently cleared out the under stairs cupboard because he decided it needed doing and I could not bear to hear him do it. So much stuff, I cleared out,but, of course, then he complained because he could not find what he wanted, something to pack an item he had sold on eBay. There were packing materials but, yes, I had got rid of a lot, and made the others tidy.

He cannot see his own stuff in all this. He has loads of glasses and old mugs which moved house with us but never get used. He will only use certain knives, even the new dog coat, he will only use the old one. Always digs out this old pair of joggers for dirty jobs when he keeps saying he has thrown them out.

My mothers answer to decluttering was to give stuff to me, his mother does the same, cannot get rid of stuff so offers it to me, I have learnt to refuse unless it is something I actually do need. My mother then used to get offended if I didn't still have whatever it was. As if I should never have new stuff, only what had been handed down to me. As if I did not deserve something that I chose, or was new.

A fascinating topic. Hoarding makes it sound negative.

G

 :heythere:Blueberry,
I went on a training day for bringing strength into yoga poses on Saturday. I am not going to suggest those exercises though. I find, as an instructor people will do what they enjoy, are comfortable with and, unless it becomes a habit exercise can be difficult to do regularly.

What I will advocate, if it is amenable is Yoga Nidra, for relaxation. You have probably come across it before but, now, on YouTube you can find examples of many kinds. I find it is fantastic for me when I am tired. It is like having a nap, but in concentrated form. I especially like the examples by The Mindful Movement.
My other thought is that people will often follow a physiotherapist's instructions until whatever issue they have stops hurting, it is helpful to continue past that point. Once you stop, the body is likely to return to previous patterns of movement, which may have caused the issue in the first place.

Obviously, if you are finding yourself unsteady, it maybe worth further investigation by your GP for something new. There may be something that has not been discovered before, something which needs attention.

Sitting on a tennis ball may help, I have tightening, which I thought was my gluteus Maximus but my masseur thinks is my hamstring.

Pain sucks, good luck.

G

I have the same experience whenever I am put 'on the spot', mostly at school, but recently in interviews too.

Some of my trauma comes from school. And from work too come to think of it.

G

It's such a complex web. Biological + trauma + effects of long term stress...

I remember during the pandemic maybe a year in, the New York times ran an article about the effects of longterm stress like the pandemic on brain function. The brain fog. I'll see if I can find it. But people were really mentally feeling the effects of the pandemic in terms of memory loss and executive functioning. The main effect on me was forgetting what I had gone to the store for because it was so different in the store, with things not there because of panic buying

And that is just a tiny fraction of the type and duration of stress we all have lived with often from day 1. I have no doubt I would assess as having ADHD, but I also know that without dealing with the symptoms of cPTSD it actually won't make much difference. It may be cPTSD acting like ADHD or it may be ADHD + cPTSD, but in my case the cPTSD way overrides the ADHD.

My brain was shaped by stress, trauma, and in-utero drug, alcohol, and tobacco  exposure. Further exacerbated by very long term exposure to stress chemicals and chronic dissociation. Untangling this morass will take much more than ADHD treatment. At the moment I have no treatment aside from anti-depressants and I am never offered any treatment.But it actually is starting to happen little bit by little bit.

I don't know if this feels true for everyone here. But for me...well...yeah the thinking problems are very very complex.  ADHD would add a label that might make it easier for people to understand me, but it's just not close to the full picture or even the root cause. Just how it feels for me, personally. It may be really helpful for you to have the assessment and name to put to it. It is easier to talk about and understand. Sure, people do not understand CPTSD, they probably do not understand ADHD either but they have some recognition of it and it is counted as a disability here.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/24/parenting/quarantine-brain-memory.html

- detachment.  This is where the analytical / mathematical thinking comes into play, seeing things as black or white (a variance of all or none thinking) and things should only make sense from a pure data perspective, not acknowledging the feelings or motivations of others that may be involved.

I believe this is where my OH is with his thinking. Black and white, right and wrong. In my mind analytical means to analyse motives, feelings, etc, over thinking in a way, although I do like the 12 step slogan of 'keep it simple' because sometimes things are far more simple than people think.

DD was very upset last night and I found her talking to her dad, my OH about it. Then she wanted to speak to me.

From what I gather she is kind of like me, a head full of too many things, all at once, dwelling on things which happened years ago, replaying conversations, scenarios. Completely normal to me, an over thinker.

It prompted me to ask my OH about his thinking styles, he said he was 'black and white' (obviously not realising how bad that is. Not an 'over thinker' but, analytical. See, I consider myself to be very analytical so I am not sure he understands what it means in the same way that I do. I think he means it in a logical mathematical way, however, I do not think he is logical at all. He says he is perceptive but, I find that there is friction at home because he is unable to 'read the room' and work out when people, myself or DD, do not want to be disturbed, asked questions of etc.

All fascinating to me, although my DD does not seem to understand me, they both act as if I talk nonsense. I am really considering being assessed for ADHD especially after my recent attempts to find another job. From what I have discovered so far it seems a very likely explanation for some of my experiences throughout my life, not just my difficulty with job interviews.

I put this here because I wonder if CPTSD impacts thinking skills, or is it something innate, before trauma? How does it effect our relationships? I do not believe the difference is between sexes but there are differences there as well, as far as I can tell.

I need someone else's input before I ramble into incoherence and delete this.

G

I have a casual bar job, only job I seem to be able to get aside from my self employment. It has been ok, it is just casual, and not what I want to be doing, I am just doing it for experience and to show I can work on my CV.

In my last shift, several times when I had to move down the bar the manager made a comment about me spilling a drink or being in the way.....again. Enough to get on my nerves. I thought maybe I should say something. What came to my mind was, 'do you mind not doing that?' I tested it out with my partner, teenager and they said no, that was too confrontational. I am thinking now I should not say anything.  But, something a therapist said in the past haunts me, 'why do you continue to let people treat you that way?'

As I explained the situation to my partner and teen, they said, well, it is only for experience until you get something  else and, their advice for other interviews was 'tell them what they want to hear'. The problem is, I have no clue what they want to hear. I tell the truth, I try and answer the questions and tell the truth. I am not capable of BS.

G

Thanks Rainydiary, those were the ones I have seen advertised. I asked somewhere else and somebody said they found that sounds became more noticeable when they were not using them, so more intrusive. Simply listening to pod casts may be more useful as a distraction from the triggering sounds. I do have a lot of those I have subscribed to so I am trying to remember to download and listen to them.
Thanks for the replies.
G

I am seeing advertisements for ear plugs which dampen down sounds more often now, thanks algorithms. I first came across them in the summer, someone was using them in the exams I invigilate. I am wondering if they may help me with triggers, like my OH cursing the PC in another room? Has anybody tried them? Any particular brand or type? The ones I have seen are Flare calm and Loop. I am in the U.K.

G

I have told the charity and they say the clinical manager will be in touch.

Oh dear. It's as bad as 'can I see you in my office'

G